I had a dream

A pale white man dark-haired man appears alone in a garish set. This is an informercial-type seeting, but with no audience. The man is wearing a garish argyle cape. He laughs and then speaks.

"Hello friends. My name is Vladimir. But unlike the Vladimir who swings a bat, I am famous for turning into a bat. I am here to talk to you about a problem that I have been having lately. You see, I like to think of myself as a pretty healthy guy. I've been on earth for a long time. I get plenty of sleep during the day, and I am active during the night. I make sure to avoid garlic and steaks, and I drink plenty of water, as long as its not holy. But I had been feeling pretty rundown. I felt undead inside. I've been coffin a lot too. Maybe drinking blood just isn't as invigorating as it was 400 years ago. So I've invented a subsitute, a plasma energy drink, if you will. It's called Blood Red Bull. It will instill you with new energy, satisfy your craving for flesh, (no bull, it is made of bull) and most importantly Blood Red Bull will give you wings. Order in the next thirty minutes, and you will receieve a customized gold-plated Magic Bullet. I can't stand Silver Bullets. Make sure to set up an online acCount, as I can ship an order anywhere from Transylvania to Pennsylvania to Great Neck."

An offscreen voice says "This ad will be airing all night, as part of a series of Vampire Weekend Infomercials. Stay tuned for other new products like Nosferatuna - extremely high in mercury! "

Stiller Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

So there's these two guys, and they need to make a porno version of Meet the Fockers. I don't know why, but they want to capitalize on its growing popularity. So they film it, and it basically looks like Meet the Fockers - only pornier. So now all they have to do is think of a porn title. Now porn titles ripping off movies should sound like the movie, only a little bit different. So they think and think, and one guy says "I've got it - it's similar, but more graphic", and he tells the other guy, and the other guy says "That's brilliant, it's almost the same but different".

So the movie comes out and is a big hit, and everyone thanks the guy who came up with "Meat the Fockers". The end.

Writing is hard. I actually posted first on my fake lj before doing this one. I'm dry.

The Imperfect Storm

Geez, I haven't written in so long that all of my previous post's links are dead. I haven't written in so long that when I last posted the Red Sox hadn't won a World Series in almost three years! I haven't written in so long, that the last time I wrote, the Patriots were undefeated. Ummmm, that's the same. But everything else is different. Well, not really.

I know what I am going to do with my life. Needless to say, it was the role that I was born to play. Perhaps I'll talk about it more in the future, and perhaps I won't. It's good. I got an offer to work at Gen Academy over Christmas Break. They still want me to work there? It's good to know that I am still wanted in a job where I couldn't stand commuting. Considering that now I go to almost all corners of the city, and I am still not sick of that....well, talk to me in four months time.

It's funny. I (we) spend all of winter, (November, early December and April included), looking forward to summer. In the meantime, we give ourselves winter highlights to look forward to, (Olympics, Super Bowl, Oscars, Valentine's Day, Sara's Birthday, One Tree Hill season premiere, MLB trades, Groundhog Day, the movie Groundhog Day, ANTM Cycle ten). Okay, perhaps your list is a little bit different. But when summer finally rolls around, all we hear about is hockey playoffs, movies that end in 'three' or 'the third' or 'Ultimatum' that I don't see and reality shows starring washed-up tennis stars. Then we're like, 'we waited six months for this'? Then winter starts again, and we're once again looking forward to summer, or looking back to summer.

Actually, that's a lie. Summer rules. And no, I am not talking about the character on the O.C. because she went from foxy Adam Brody to Hayden not the girl from Heroes. Did I just call Adam Brody foxy? Ugh. Maybe I was thinking that his show was on Fox. Yeah, that must be it. Where was I? Oh yeah, summer rules and winter drools. And even though I want to pretend otherwise, there is no contest. Although it was nice that the bus driver stopped right in front of my street because the stop was overrun with snow. Still, did you see the football stadiums on Sunday? And there are people who look forward to this season? Bah, humbug.

Blah Blah Blog

I want to go back to school, (or should I say 'I went too go back, to school', nah, that's lame.) However, I am having a hard time deciding where to go, and for what. Today, I scratched Centennial College off the list. There is no particular reason why, as Centennial was very helpful and they had a well-maintained website, but I just wasn't getting a good vibe from the whole experience. They might be a wonderful school, and I am missing out, but I am willing to take that risk and explore other things. Really, Centennial, it's not you, it's me.

Also, I am trying to find another job to do in the interim. So basically it's like this - I am right back to square one, (and I don't mean the mall or the children's TV show, look 'em up if you have to). I don't mind being at square one, I just wish that some time soon I can be at square two. Or perhaps even square one point five. I guess that I could say [-] 1.5, but I don't want to. Besides, that looks more like a Rubik's Cube than a square, and really, who digs the decimals? Not me.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Conor sent me a YouTube clip of Alec Baldwin parodying Glengarry Glen Ross on Saturday Night Live. I dug it, and it led me to this one. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z4vpT4UrY1M I normally think that the digital shorts are way overrated, and the ending kind of doesn't support the skit, but it makes me laugh so hard for some reason. Watch it and tell me why. And also, tell me what I should do. Or better yet, suggest lightly what I should do. Would you say that you are the highly suggestible type? Yes, I would say that. It's like poker, and I am looking for tells. William Tells. Telluride. Penn and Tell(er)s. Go Tells it on the Mountain. Tel(l)us.

Return of the Traps

I'm ready to start on a new tangent, but I am not sure that I am ready to make this a baseball blog. So I'm going back to my bread and butter - me. I'll blog about myself, and that's all.

Today's entry - I'm not into fighting with people, even though I was always sure that I was.

Tomorrow's entry - I'm going to taste the Danforth.

Saturday's entry - baseball game?

Sunday's entry - More tasting of the Danforth, even if my students don't come with me.

Monday's entry - We'll see.

Unsexiest Female Celebs #1! - Pamela Anderson

I'm living on the run, and looking out for number one. I guess that there is a theme, so Pamela Anderson doesn't have to feel as though she is alone. I suppose that it could have been any of the Barbie Girls. If you really don't enjoy the Pamela Principle, then how about Jenna Jameson? Or perhaps Anna Nicole Smith, who would have topped the list as the first dead celebrity? Or maybe even Barbie herself, as her proportions have repeatedly been tried to be replicated by real woman, to the effect that they become unreal women. In any case, Pamela Anderson serves to embody the Human Barbie Doll Syndrome, HBDS, as well as anyone else, as she is an excellent choice for number one. Don't believe me, look here: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/tlg/361050593.html

I guess that it's a bunch of things that makes Pamela Anderson the perfect choice. Let's start with her looks. when she was discovered at a B.C. Lions game (!) wearing a Labatt's t-shirt. I don't think that I am necessarily the best judge of this, but a young Pamela Anderson was not bad-looking. Yet, she only became famous when she puffed up her breasts, dyed her dark hair blonde, got a bunch of other plastic surgery, took her clothes off, starred in a sex tape, spoke in a comically high voice and slept with a bunch of celebrities. The last few traits aren't exactly 'Barbie'like, but it confirms that Pamela Anderson is essentially, a human doll, perhaps of the blow-up variety.

Because really, when it comes to actually doing anything, is there anything that Pamela Anderson can be proud of? Home Improvement? She didn't do anything on the show, and still got replaced. Baywatch? Only achieved cult-like status because of the 'Hoff. well, maybe Pam had something to do with it. V.I.P.? N.O. The Nanny? Okay, perhaps. Barb Wire? I'd rather get electrocuted. Stacked? Pamela Anderson working in a bookstore? As if. Apparently, she wrote a book, but I doubt that she ever put pen to page. Scary Movie 3? She played a joke version of herself. And did that badly, too. Borat? Apparently, she was in the joke, but the joke only succeeded because she is such a horrible actress.

I don't know how I got to talking about Pamela Anderson's acting merits. Don't you see? What she actually does for a career is irrelevant. She is only famous for two reasons: Pancho and Lefty. And really, who wants to even look at those anymore? Plus, even her humanitarian work turns me off. How can somebody so famous for being a piece of meat be against people eating meat? It doesn't make sense. Then there's the fact that she got Hepatitis from sharing tattoo needles. Then there's the fact that she has tattoos in the first place, specifically a barb wire tattoo, (now the movie title make sense!) I don't know what is grosser: Hepatitis or tattoos. Probably the latter. Oh yeah, and she married Kid Rock for like, a week. Only God Knows Why.

But the real reason why Pamela Anderson deserves this title is because of the timeliness of this blog post. See, that's why I stretched out this list. I had a plan all along! Tomorrow is Canada Day. It is birthday number 140 for our country. This was Pamela Anderson's first claim to fame. She was born on the Centennial of July 1, 1967, and she was reported to be the first baby born on the Centennial in Canada, (since proven false). That's right, ladies and gentlemen Tomorrow, Pamela Anderson, or what is left of Pamela Anderson turns forty, and she will be the first ever forty-year-old Human Barbie Doll, (Anna Nicole Smith died at thirty-nine, but was five months younger than Pam.) That's right, it is a time of rebirth in our country, (and I guess in America as well, as Pam is now an American citizen). Either Pam continues to embody the desire for fake-looking women, with unreal chests, hair and god knows what else, or we move on to women who actually look like women. The Barbie Doll has been around for almost fifty years, and we still think women who change themselves to look like a three-dimensional plastic doll are sexy. it's time to change the paradigm. Sadly, I am sure that new Human Dolls will come along to take the place of the Human Barbie Dolls, like Human Bratz Dolls or Human Pussycat Dolls. Sadly, this will not be a step forward. Don'tCha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? No, actually I don't. The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll yielded a sassy, (which is a polite word for bitchy) eighteen year old mother, who looked like she was wearing her older sister's clothes. Asia was in all senses of a words, a true pussycat doll.

So that's the list, and as always, if you disagree, make your case, and I'll see if I can fit in a runner-up slot for your choice. But until then, I am going to have to find something else to write about. Have a happy Canada Day / Pamela Anderson's birthday. C'mon Barbie, Let's go party.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - More Runners-Up

The stars of Look Who's Talking - Kirstie Alley makes it on as a natural woman, or at least, what is left of her. It's amazing that she seemed to be more attractive as a fat woman than what she looks like now. She just looks evil. As for John Travolta, well, have you seen the previews for Hairspray? She / He looks awful, and that's enough to qualify him / her as an unsexy female celebrity. At least, it almost qualifies him. To be a man and make the unsexy female celebrities list, you have to be an Italian soccer player.

Harisu - This is an interesting one. Harisu is a transgendered Korean pop singer / model /actress. She changed her name to Harisu because it sounds like 'hot issue'. Everybody at my school thinks that she is absolutely disgusting, (students, administrators, everyone). I think that he / she looks not entirely terrible for a woman who used to be a man, and either I am more liberal than the people that disagree, or this really says something about me. I'll go with the former.

Venus / Serena Williams - Personally I think that they are both pretty gross, with their masculine bodies, but they are actually much better looking than Amelie Mauresmo, a French tennis player, and yes, a lesbian. Somehow I feel wrong for saying this, but it's true. Amelie Mauresmo is in no way sexy, and just because she's a lesbian, I don't think that I should give her a 'let'. Yes, that was a tennis 'joke'. Clearly, I have no 'love' for Amelie Mauresmo, even though she came 'out'. Advantage - Me.

Every WNBA player - I can think of only one arenas where alliteration is the norm- the WNBA, (Lisa Leslie, Sheryl Swoopes, Tina Thompson, Cynthia Cooper to name but a few). The WNBA is filled with giant athletic women, who (surprise!) are not hot. Even Juwanna Mann looked better than these female ballers. I know what you are thinking - Amazonian black and white women grunting and fighting over loose balls, how can that not be awesome? Yet, it somehow isn't. However, I commend Sheryl Swoopes for coming out, basically making her the biggest name athlete in team sports to come out, (at least until Alex Rodriguez decides that he is tired of living a lie).

Maybe I will stop with five(ish) today - boy, do I sense a theme in these posts? maybe I should scrap my whole concept, and instead write philosophical blog posts about the nature of humanity, and what it truly means to be male and female, straight and gay. Or perhaps not.