Unsexiest Female Celebs #1! - Pamela Anderson

I'm living on the run, and looking out for number one. I guess that there is a theme, so Pamela Anderson doesn't have to feel as though she is alone. I suppose that it could have been any of the Barbie Girls. If you really don't enjoy the Pamela Principle, then how about Jenna Jameson? Or perhaps Anna Nicole Smith, who would have topped the list as the first dead celebrity? Or maybe even Barbie herself, as her proportions have repeatedly been tried to be replicated by real woman, to the effect that they become unreal women. In any case, Pamela Anderson serves to embody the Human Barbie Doll Syndrome, HBDS, as well as anyone else, as she is an excellent choice for number one. Don't believe me, look here: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/tlg/361050593.html

I guess that it's a bunch of things that makes Pamela Anderson the perfect choice. Let's start with her looks. when she was discovered at a B.C. Lions game (!) wearing a Labatt's t-shirt. I don't think that I am necessarily the best judge of this, but a young Pamela Anderson was not bad-looking. Yet, she only became famous when she puffed up her breasts, dyed her dark hair blonde, got a bunch of other plastic surgery, took her clothes off, starred in a sex tape, spoke in a comically high voice and slept with a bunch of celebrities. The last few traits aren't exactly 'Barbie'like, but it confirms that Pamela Anderson is essentially, a human doll, perhaps of the blow-up variety.

Because really, when it comes to actually doing anything, is there anything that Pamela Anderson can be proud of? Home Improvement? She didn't do anything on the show, and still got replaced. Baywatch? Only achieved cult-like status because of the 'Hoff. well, maybe Pam had something to do with it. V.I.P.? N.O. The Nanny? Okay, perhaps. Barb Wire? I'd rather get electrocuted. Stacked? Pamela Anderson working in a bookstore? As if. Apparently, she wrote a book, but I doubt that she ever put pen to page. Scary Movie 3? She played a joke version of herself. And did that badly, too. Borat? Apparently, she was in the joke, but the joke only succeeded because she is such a horrible actress.

I don't know how I got to talking about Pamela Anderson's acting merits. Don't you see? What she actually does for a career is irrelevant. She is only famous for two reasons: Pancho and Lefty. And really, who wants to even look at those anymore? Plus, even her humanitarian work turns me off. How can somebody so famous for being a piece of meat be against people eating meat? It doesn't make sense. Then there's the fact that she got Hepatitis from sharing tattoo needles. Then there's the fact that she has tattoos in the first place, specifically a barb wire tattoo, (now the movie title make sense!) I don't know what is grosser: Hepatitis or tattoos. Probably the latter. Oh yeah, and she married Kid Rock for like, a week. Only God Knows Why.

But the real reason why Pamela Anderson deserves this title is because of the timeliness of this blog post. See, that's why I stretched out this list. I had a plan all along! Tomorrow is Canada Day. It is birthday number 140 for our country. This was Pamela Anderson's first claim to fame. She was born on the Centennial of July 1, 1967, and she was reported to be the first baby born on the Centennial in Canada, (since proven false). That's right, ladies and gentlemen Tomorrow, Pamela Anderson, or what is left of Pamela Anderson turns forty, and she will be the first ever forty-year-old Human Barbie Doll, (Anna Nicole Smith died at thirty-nine, but was five months younger than Pam.) That's right, it is a time of rebirth in our country, (and I guess in America as well, as Pam is now an American citizen). Either Pam continues to embody the desire for fake-looking women, with unreal chests, hair and god knows what else, or we move on to women who actually look like women. The Barbie Doll has been around for almost fifty years, and we still think women who change themselves to look like a three-dimensional plastic doll are sexy. it's time to change the paradigm. Sadly, I am sure that new Human Dolls will come along to take the place of the Human Barbie Dolls, like Human Bratz Dolls or Human Pussycat Dolls. Sadly, this will not be a step forward. Don'tCha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? No, actually I don't. The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll yielded a sassy, (which is a polite word for bitchy) eighteen year old mother, who looked like she was wearing her older sister's clothes. Asia was in all senses of a words, a true pussycat doll.

So that's the list, and as always, if you disagree, make your case, and I'll see if I can fit in a runner-up slot for your choice. But until then, I am going to have to find something else to write about. Have a happy Canada Day / Pamela Anderson's birthday. C'mon Barbie, Let's go party.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - More Runners-Up

The stars of Look Who's Talking - Kirstie Alley makes it on as a natural woman, or at least, what is left of her. It's amazing that she seemed to be more attractive as a fat woman than what she looks like now. She just looks evil. As for John Travolta, well, have you seen the previews for Hairspray? She / He looks awful, and that's enough to qualify him / her as an unsexy female celebrity. At least, it almost qualifies him. To be a man and make the unsexy female celebrities list, you have to be an Italian soccer player.

Harisu - This is an interesting one. Harisu is a transgendered Korean pop singer / model /actress. She changed her name to Harisu because it sounds like 'hot issue'. Everybody at my school thinks that she is absolutely disgusting, (students, administrators, everyone). I think that he / she looks not entirely terrible for a woman who used to be a man, and either I am more liberal than the people that disagree, or this really says something about me. I'll go with the former.

Venus / Serena Williams - Personally I think that they are both pretty gross, with their masculine bodies, but they are actually much better looking than Amelie Mauresmo, a French tennis player, and yes, a lesbian. Somehow I feel wrong for saying this, but it's true. Amelie Mauresmo is in no way sexy, and just because she's a lesbian, I don't think that I should give her a 'let'. Yes, that was a tennis 'joke'. Clearly, I have no 'love' for Amelie Mauresmo, even though she came 'out'. Advantage - Me.

Every WNBA player - I can think of only one arenas where alliteration is the norm- the WNBA, (Lisa Leslie, Sheryl Swoopes, Tina Thompson, Cynthia Cooper to name but a few). The WNBA is filled with giant athletic women, who (surprise!) are not hot. Even Juwanna Mann looked better than these female ballers. I know what you are thinking - Amazonian black and white women grunting and fighting over loose balls, how can that not be awesome? Yet, it somehow isn't. However, I commend Sheryl Swoopes for coming out, basically making her the biggest name athlete in team sports to come out, (at least until Alex Rodriguez decides that he is tired of living a lie).

Maybe I will stop with five(ish) today - boy, do I sense a theme in these posts? maybe I should scrap my whole concept, and instead write philosophical blog posts about the nature of humanity, and what it truly means to be male and female, straight and gay. Or perhaps not.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - The Runners-Up

When making a list (and checking it twice), having to count backwards is difficult. So there are many times when I have considered a celebrity for the list, and reconsidered them to be not famous or unsexy enough. There were other times when I forgot a celebrity entirely, and by the time I thought of them, I was already too high to put them in a lofty spot that they didn't deserve. So here is a partial list of unsexy celebs that could have easily made the list but didn't. You know what? I stand by my choices, but if there is anybody you think deserves to be bumped from the list by any of these unlovelies, make your case to me and I might reconsider.

Julia Roberts - Really, isn't that just kicking a woman while she's down. After going through men like they were accessories, she's finally settled down and had some kids. So she's not really in the public eye anymore. Plus, she hasn't been a movie that I can remember since Closer, (and no, Ocean's Twelve doesn't count). However, she is a friend of George Clooney's, but I just picked on him in the Angelina post. Still Julia, I think that your brother Eric is much hotter. Sorry. Where are you going? Don't runaway!

Jennifer Wilbanks - Who the f is she? The real runaway bride! Remember the infamous mugshot? For those who don't remember, Jennifer Wilbanks disappeared before her wedding, and pretended that she was abducted by a Hispanic man. Police realized that she was lying because after reviewing the evidence, they remembered that Hispanic men rock, and white people suck. Oh wait, that just applies to baseball players. Anyways, she lied about being kidnapped to delay her wedding, which is pretty sleazy. But still, I don't want to glorify her celebrity, even if she is unsexy. Pass.

Tyra Banks - I told you long ago that I fear for my life if I ever called Tyra unsexy. Still, she looks like a Pirate. Or Homer Simpson. there, I said it. Please don't hurt me.

Women who look really old (Famke Janssen, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith and Maggie Gyllenhaal) - Let's play guess your age! Famke, you may have just turned 42 on November 5th, (neat birthday, said BoA, Bill Walton, Peter Noone, Art Garfunkel, Ike Turner, Tatum O'Neal, Sam Rockwell, Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams, [I did not make this up!], Jonny Greenwood, Jerry Stackhouse, Javy Lopez, Johnny Damon and a ton of others), but you still look 420. Maybe you can use some of your X-Men powers to make yourself look younger. You are no Dutch Treat. Sorry Kevin Smith, I know that a hot woman likes you, but she seems to be a lot older than 36. Maybe she aged prematurely when you convinced her to name your daughter after a Batman villain, or when you directed her to make out with Dante in Clerks II, or maybe when you got on top. Hey, I'm mean! I like Kevin Smith! But seriously, your wife is 63. Maggie, my dear, I didn't realize that you came from such a noble Swedish family. But there is nothing Sweetish or noble about your appearance. You look sixty, you act sixty, and even your first name is sixty. Plus your political activism doesn't fool me, as I know that you wouldn't actually attend an anti-war demonstration, as your walker would probably get trampled on. Do you want to know what is stranger than fiction? The fact that you get cast as young love interests. Casting you in the Batman movie makes sense, as Batman has always been something of a closet case. Secretary? More like Retirement Party! At the risk of making World Trade Centre jokes, I will say this - Your face collapsed a long time ago. Mona Lisa Smile? More like Mona Lisa frown. Sadly, this means that every single credited star of that movie either made the list or was a runner-up. No wonder they didn't put capital letters on the movie poster.

Winona Ryder - Somebody must have stolen her spot.

Leah Miller - MuchMusic VJ. Does VJ stand for Very Jagged? As in her Jagged face? Check it out, it seems like you would cut yourself on it. Her boyfriend Dallas Green, (and what kind of name is that), is the lead singer of Alexisonfire. It looks like Leah Miller would be more attractive if she was on fire. Literally.

Janet Jackson - ABsolutely disgusting. I would say that the reason Janet Jackson didn't make the list, is that compared to the rest of her family, she looks average. Compared to the rest of the world, though, Miss Jackson is nasty, and not in the good sense. Wardrobe malfunction? Don't forget your face and body malfunction as well. Next!

Sandra Bullock - Mandra Bullock. Even Craig Bullock is sexier than you are, (note - the preceding joke will only be funny to Sara Quinn. And perhaps not even to her.) On a completely unrelated note, I just wanted to write down that Sara Quinn is very attractive. Hot. Whereas Sandra Bullock is Not. The Lake House? More like the Ache House. As in, that movie made me ache, and not just because of the convoluted plot. It was because I had to look at you and Keanu, and it made my eyes ache. And no, this wasn't because it was a Chinatown DVD. Have you ever noticed that so many of Sandra Bullock's movies involve vehicles crashing or people getting run over? The Lake House of course, (whoops! Hope you saw it!), but also While You were Sleeping, Speed, Speed 2: Cruise Control, (I assume) Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, (I hope!), Forces of Nature, (thanks for letting me know, Sara!) and of course, Crash. Add this to the fact that her husband makes motorcycles for a living, and this furthers my speculation that Sandra Bullock will involved in some sort of automobile or similar accident in the next few years. Hey, at least it wouldn't make her look any worse...

So yeah, in conclusion, I am a mean girl. But no Rachel McAdams on this list either. Ryan Gosling will have to be content with the fact that ex-girlfriend Sandra Bullock made the list. What was he, ten and she fifty when they started going out? Sounds like a psychology experiment dealing with sexual peaks. Gross, I just thought about Ryan Gosling and Sandra Bullock in regards to sexual peaks. I am going to runner (over there and throw) up my dinner.

Stay tuned for number one.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #2 Angelina Jolie

How much do I hate Angelina Jolie? Well, let's just say that I am not feeling very jolly about her. In fact, it seems to be the noble lie in society that if anybody is constructing a list of the hottest women, that Angelina Jolie's name has to be on the list. She is loved by straight men, gay women, straight women, and let's assume that gay men like her too. she is universally acknowledged as attractive by almost everyone except for Chas Traps, (and Jennifer Aniston. And Sara Quinn. And I'm guessing George Clooney, more on that later).

What is it about Angelina Jolie that everybody finds so fresh and exciting? Is it the fact that she does not get along with her father? Ooohhhh rebellious! Her thirteen exotic tattoos? Oooohhhh rebellious...and yet rather conformist. Is it the fact that she wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood in a vial? Oooohhhhh disgusting! Or the fact that she had that interview where they admitted that they just had sex on the limo? Oooohhhhh Willy Rob! Is it the fact that she might be bisexual? Oooohhhh experimental! Or is it her towering height? Ooohhhh, she's only 5'8'! Ooooohhhh, let's get away from this Ooohhhh format.

Here are some other reasons why people might consider Angelina Jolie attractive: Her position a as Goodwill Ambassador to the United Nations, (isn't that the same position that Ginger Spice had?), her many adopted children, (is she sexy because she adopted Cambodian and Vietnamese children? That seems strange.) Maybe it is because of her charity work, (did people find Mother Teresa sexy?), or because of her unique appearance, (personally I think that she looks exactly like her brother James, and there is nothing sexy about him. Remember when they made out at the Oscars? Yeah, everybody seems to forget about that now. That was a creepy moment.) Maybe she is sexy because her children have unique names, just like their mother. (Is a strange name sexy? Hey, it worked for Conan!) Perhaps Angelina is sexy because she revealed that she is into S & M. (That works for me. If I saw Angleina Jolie, I would slap her too.)

Wait a minute. Doesn't Angelina Jolie have a real job? Isn't she, you know, like an actress or something, (also a model, but try explaining that to me.) Quick, name three Angelina Jolie movies that didn't suck! Name three Angelina Jolie movies period! I thought so. Alexander?
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider? The Good Shepherd? Those are probably the most famous, but I haven't seen 'em, nor have I ever wanted to see 'em. Also, for somebody so into 'humanitarian' causes, she has been in a lot of movies not fit for humans. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Shark Tale, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Original Sin, and a bunch of others that I've never heard of? This is our most famous living actress? Plus she was in a bunch of other movies I've never heard of, and I don't really want to figure out why. Maybe the movies that she met her boyfriends / husbands were so amazing, that they dwarf all the others. Let's see - Hackers, Pushing Tin, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. No, no and no. Hackers, air traffic controllers and assassins. Oh my!

As far as I can see, there are above all, two reasons why Angelina Jolie is considered attractive: Her lips, and Brad Pitt. But those are both gross reasons.

As for the first one, I get it, she has giant, bee-stung lips, and every women in the world wants to get collagen injections to look like Angelina Jolie. I get it, big lips are sexy. But Canadian Hurdler Perdita Felicien also possesses large lips, (plus she has a unique name, taken from a contestant on The Price is Right. Is she considered to be the height of beauty? I think not. And why is that? Why is something sexy in one case, but not in the other?) I also feel that Angelina Jolie's lips are far too disproportionate, and couple with her angular face, creating a weird looking woman. She is almost witchlike in her appearance. No, I am not bewitched by her.

Oh, and as for Brad Pitt. Well, I think I said it best when I was watching Thelma and Louise. More like Bad Pitt! Yes, it took me forty minutes to come up with that line. It's strange that for somebody who has such a unique appearance, she is famous for her relationship with such a normal, (read, boring) celebrity. Maybe her weirdness and his boringness cancel each other out, and they meet somewhere in the middle. But i can't figure it out. If they are so in love, then why did they deny even being together for so long? Was this to protect Jennifer Aniston's feelings? Or was this as to not offend Brad Pitt's real love interest - George Clooney. I bet that George is really sad about Brad leaving him for another woman, and a political one at that! I bet This love triangle probably made Ocean's 13 bittersweet. At least George still has Matt Damon - sort of. But yeah, Angelina, I preferred William Robert Thornton to William Bradley Pitt. Plus, Angelina, you are only six years older than me, and when did Brad Pitt become seventy? You are going to need those big lips to give him mouth to mouth, after he has a heart attack trying to chase after one of your seven children. This will probably be brought on by Brad screaming 'Shiloh', and the baby won't understand, as Shiloh is not a name. Was that too Shiloh?

So that's Angelina Jolie, who also made it to Number two on the hot list chosen by lesbians. As far as I'm concerned, that's what Angelina Jolie is and will always be. Number two.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #3 Dr. Sue Johanson

I figured that since I previously talked about a sex expert in Paris Hilton, that I should consult a professional. But oh lordy, this sex expert, or 'sexpert', is certainly not sex...y. In fact, you don't have to be an expert to see the unsexiness of Dr. Sue Johanson.

Let's throw a disclaimer out there before I start this post. I am not declaiming Sue Johanson and the work that she does, educating students and adults alike about condom use and safe sex. Good for her! Nor I am going to talk about claims from the gay community that Dr. Sue is 'heterosexist', a term that I don't even understand, because she refers to man's partner as she, and a female's partner as he. As I said, that's fodder for a blog that is far more concerned with 'issues' than this one. I only want to say one thing about Dr. Sue Johanson - she kind of grosses me out.

The concept of an older woman talking about sex is not unique - let's look at Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who I once saw on a New York street corner. For some reason, Dr. Ruth does not gross me out. She looks all small and cute, and doesn't disgust me when she talks about orgasms. Dr Sue, on the other hand, makes me wince when she talks about erections and vibrators, just because she looks and sounds so graphic when she is doing it. There is nothing small and cute about it, it's just so in your face and out there that her discussion of sperm makes me squirm.

For that, I blame the TV show. When she was a radio host, you couldn't put a face to the discussion of the g-spot. But once she got on TV, her image just turned me right off anything that she was saying. And it wasn't just her appearance, but her manner, which grossed me out to the point that I am right now still making a face like I ate some sort of food that I hate, and I am still tasting it. The image of Dr. Sue Johanson discussing STDs has given me PTSD.

Perhaps I would feel more sympathetic towards Dr. Sue if she ever revealed her true age. Wikipedia has her listed as being born in 1946, which I cannot believe. If that is the case, then she looks pretty old for s sixty-two year old. at least if she was older, I would feel a little worse for being so disgusted by her. As it is, I am happy for Sue Johanson for appearing on American talk shows and receiving the order of Canada, but couldn't she have been the been the behind the scenes person, while a younger, hotter, or at least a less physically repulsive person discussed the clitoris?

Sex with Sue? More like sex with Ewwwwwww.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #4 Paris Hilton

Remember when Paris Hilton was famous for being famous? That seems like a long time ago, as she has pretty much conquered every medium imaginable, and been conquered herself by pretty much every medium, small and large imaginable.

Music:

Even though the Stars Are Blind, they aren't tone-deaf. Through some miracle of recording, or perhaps she's just good at things involving her mouth, the Paris Hilton album is actually pretty good. I absolutely mean this. Through some miracle, she sounds good on the album, and created some very fun, poppy songs. Or did she steal them? http://youtube.com/watch?v=gvneOtIK38w

Either way, the songs are still catchy, (much like Paris herself)Except the dance remixes suck. And her cover of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy blows. But everything else, pure pop gold!

Television:

The Simple Life never really appealed to me, because it seemed to be a one-joke show. Paris and Nicole do not know how to handle themselves in any aspect of life, and that's funny, so let's all laugh at them. Surprisingly, Nicole Ritchie seemed to come off as the bigger slut. That's....confusing. Paris just seemed bored, but that's pretty much how she always looks.

Like Lucy Liu, Paris Hilton has guested on an inordinate number of TV shows, such as The O.C. Does anybody want to tell me what she did on that episode? Anyone at all?

Books:

Paris 'wrote' Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose. I haven't read it, but move over Tolstoy, because I am sure that it's the next Anna Karenina.

Business Ventures:

Well, she is a Hilton. So that will pretty much guarantee that she will be a business success when she is handed the reins. But she also designs her own purses, (I hear that they have a lot of room to put your stuff in), jewelry, (pearl necklaces?), perfume, (ever wanted to smell like Paris?) and nightclubs, (I'm sure that there are long lines to get into Club Paris). For some reason , her nightclub is in Orlando, which is like the Etobicoke of Florida. Seriously, Walt Disney World and nightclubs do not mix. Also, she created the Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset, which includes a night vision filter, fake money, losable cell phone, and 16 hits of ecstasy! Yes, I copied and pasted that entire last quote. Jealous?

Modeling:

This is a surprise, as she is in absolutely no way attractive. I mean it. Hair extensions, fake tans and color contacts do not change the fact that Paris Hilton is actually quite unnatural looking. There, I said it.

Movies:

House of Wax was totally awesome, and that was even before I started watching One Tree Hill. I bet that The Hitcher isn't quite as exciting. Your move, Brooke. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Paris Hilton was in the movie for exactly 6.8 seconds, had a stripping scene and a violent death which everybody at the theatre cheered, (did I say theatre? I meant I didn't see it ), and of course, Paris broke up Chad Michael Murray's marriage to his co-star, which meant that filming his hit show is probably a real treat for him. Yes, I would say that this was a success all around. Paris was marketed as one of the film's stars, which was a complete fabrication, yet strangely necessary.

Paris had a tough time on the set of her first film, as she had trouble capturing the essence of her character in the movie Zoolander, which made her feel sad. And yes, she played herself.

Also, she was in some other films, including Raising Helen, but who the hell cares???

Internet:

The sex tape(s). Having her Sidekick hacked. The website with all of her personals stuff. Flashing the camera. Videos making fun of Lindsay Lohan. Yes, Paris took this new medium and ran with it. Honestly, is their a bigger Internet celebrity than Paris Hilton? Maybe William Sledd. Or this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQibs3albtM Or me. No comment.

Men:

Here's a partial list of Paris' hook-ups and their jobs, in no particular order - Jason Shaw (model), Deryck Whibley ('musician'), Paris Latsis, (Greek shipping heir), Nick Carter, ('singer', reality TV star), Oscar de la Hoya, (boxer, singer), Rick Salomon, (entrepreneur), Leonardo DiCaprio, (sitcom star, activist), Brian Urlacher, (football player), Jose Theodore, (hockey player), Jamie Kennedy, (a bunch of stuff), Simon Rex, (actor, former MTV VJ), Robert Evans (producer, dirty old man), Rob Mills, (Australian Idol), Ingrid Casares, (nightclub owner, technically not a man), Edward Furlong, (actor, music video star), Stavros Niarchos III, (Greek shipping heir, professional kiteboarder), Mark Philippoussis, (tennis player, future reality tv star), Nick Lachey, ('singer', reality TV star, commercial pitchman), Brandon Davis, (I'm not sure that he has a job), Christina Aguilera, (singer, also not technically a man), Tom Sizemore, (actor, dirty old man), Andy Roddick, (tennis player), Travis Barker, (drummer, notice I didn't say musician, reality TV star), Joe Francis, (entrepreneur, salesman), James Neate, (model, guy with neat last name) and on and on and on.

Notice that she has had a man, (or woman), in pretty much every field, (or they have been in her field) imaginable, with very few doubles, perhaps maybe with the exception of two dirty old men, two Greek heirs, too many reality TV stars, too many ex boy-banders, and too many men, period. And keep in mind that this is just the names I could drudge up in twenty minutes. There are more, I'm sure. No baseball players, though. Surprising, as she spends so much time at third base. Remember when she said that she was celibate. I didn't.

Animal Activist:

She basically invented the act of keeping a dog in a purse! Humanitarian of the millennium!

Media Whore:

Aside from basically keeping late night talk shows and celebutainment shows in business, this latest story just doesn't seem to be going away. And I don't get why. It's not that newsworthy. Basically she drove drunk and without a license a bunch of times, and had to go to prison. Big deal. If she wasn't a celeb, she would have been locked up a long time ago. There is one interesting aspect of this story. On the day of my birthday, she got released from jail for some unknown reason, but possibly because she had a full-body rash, (are you even surprised?) Paris was then allowed to continue her sentence under house arrest, or maybe she is in a medical hospital, but really, does it even matter? As long as she in the public eye, or the public is in her eye, no matter what she does, for good or for awesome, people will write about, talk about, create naked sculptures of, http://www.caplakesting.com/parishiltonautopsy/index.htm, make fun of, and generally continue to acknowledge the existence of Paris Hilton for years to come. Heh-heh. Come.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #5 Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Demi Moore (tie)

As I mentioned in my Beyonce post, a majority of her songs seem to be about how guys suck. In that spirit, I decided to segue into her song which seems most to about the suckitude of men. This is, of course, the song Independent Women, (I believe it was Part One, and I never did see a Part Two), off of the Charlie's Angels soundtrack. You remember the song, of course. It's about all of the ladies being independent, and throwing their hands in the air or something. Yeah, men suck. But more relevant, is that the song was about women who suck...due to their unsexiness. And of course, this is a subject very close to me, because I am Charlie, and these were some sorry ass angels. If these are the angels, then send me to hell.

Lucy Liu

The only angel to be mentioned by her full name. Coincidentally or not, her name also mentioned alongside Beyonce's in the Outkast song Hey Ya. I think it was something along the lines of Beyonces and Lucy Lius get on the floor. Well, if they are getting on the floor, then I am getting off it. Here are some fun facts about Lucy Liu:

She has a tattoo on her lower back, (a tramp stamp, if you will), of a tiger. Roar or bore?

She speaks Chinese, Italian, Spanish and Japanese. Yet I wouldn't want to speak one word to her.

Lucy Liu is possibly bisexual. Upon reading this, I was like Ewwwcy Ewww.

She is also the first Asian-American woman to host Saturday Night Live. She will probably also be the unsexiest woman, period, to host SNL. Wait, that's actually not true. You'll see.

I guess that I have to talk about Lucy Liu and her career. Let's clear one thing up right away. Lucy Liu is not Lisa Ling. And it's a good thing too, because I also find Lisa Ling to be unsexy. But hooray! Lisa Ling is not famous anymore. To have to put both of them on this list would have taken way too much space, (keep in kind that Lucy Liu is tied for fifth). Besides, I already have two former cast members of The View, so I guess that in a way I am happy that they have similar names, so that I could bring this up.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Ally McBeal. Can I make a joke about Lucy Liu's attractiveness compared to that of the dancing baby? Or would that get me kicked off of blogger? Ooooh Gaaa Chukkk Ahhhh.

Kill Bill. No, I would rather Boo Liu. That's clever. Yeah, real clever.

Shanghai Noon. Guess who saw this movie, Lucy Liu? Shanghai Noone.

On that note, Lucy Liu probably holds the record for most shows and movies that I had no idea thta she was in before I searched wikipedia. Tell me if you knew that she was in Jerry Maguire, Chicago, Domino, Mulan II, (yes that's right, there was a Mulan II. Got a problem with that?) and episodes of ER, Joey, (which makes sense as Matt LeBlanc played her BF in CA), Futurama, Sex and the City, (to think, that I don't know that), and Ugly Betty. More like Ugly...well, you can see where this is going. I'm such a Liuser.

My Girl Drew

See, I told you that is was an honor to get your full name in the song. My girl Drew? Please! You think that the unsexy Beyonce and Drew Barrymore 'hang'? They probably have never even been in a room together. Anyways, where should I start with Drew Barrymore? Maybe where she started her career? Rehab. Too soon? Let's do a Drew Barrymore greatest hits instead. Go!

How about the fact that she has been in the spotlight forever. She is six years older than me! Explain to me how that is possible. I thought that she was at least in her mid-4os!

One of her first roles was as a cute little alien in the movie E.T. Oh wait. She didn't play the title role. Oh well. I thought that it was her, and that way Steven Spielberg didn't have to spend money on make-up. Question: is it right to make fun of a seven year old girl, even this long after the fact? Discuss.

Everyone Says I Love You. Not to Drew. I hate her.

Mad Love. Even Chris O'Donnell's career right now is hotter than Drew in that movie.

Boys on the Side. Even co-star Whoopi Goldberg is hotter than Drew in that movie.

Flashing David Letterman. The worst birthday present ever.

Scream. They did the right thing by killing her off at the beginning. Scream is what i want to do every time I see her face.

Ever After. More like N'Ever After.

Donnie Darko. No wonder Jake Gyllenhaal turned gay.

Tom Green. Who was the attractive one in that relationship? No wonder he lost a testicle.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. I don't know who I like less - George Clooney, or the idea that Drew Barrymore is a sexpot.

The Wedding Singer. Adam Sandler, even with his eighties bad hair, still looked better than Drew. In the spirit of the movie, Drew Barrymore looks eighty.

Never Been Kissed. Where should I go with this? A joke about the movie's title, leading into another rehab joke. Nah! I'm sure that it will Never be Missed.

Duplex. Puplex.

Fifty First Dates. Is there any way that I can get amnesia in regards to this movie.

Lucky You. I already used up my joke about this movie in the Debra Messing post. So I'll just say this. Drew Barrymore plus Las Vegas = bad idea.

Music and Lyrics I hope to see the ending one day. I'm sure that there is some great twist, like Drew and Hugh turn out to be wrong for each other. Hey, it's happened. Hugh Grant used to date the much more attractive than Drew Elizabeth Hurley and cheated on her with a dirty street prostitute. Who knows how much lower he can sink with Drew.

Fever Pitch. This is more directed to the Farrelly brothers than Drew. Why bother making a movie filled with so many real events, and then put in a bunch of fictional events? Fine, I know that the Red Sox didn't have a woman run onto the field in the Eighth Inning of Game Four, but don't intercut it with footage from the real game, and feature a lengthy lay-off where the crowd is just sitting around waiting for something to happen. And then, why bother flying Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon to St. Louis, so that when the Red Sox won, they got to run out onto the field. If you are going for historical accuracy, it just doesn't make sense. There was no reason to make this movie. as far as I'm concerned, it should be destroyed. Oh, and also, they should have just made Jimmy Fallon gay and done away with the relationship part of the movie.

My Date with Drew and Curious George. I would rather date the monkey. Yes, I am running out of ideas. So let's move on.

Cameron D

Way to leave off the last part of her name, Destiny's Child. How hip. Instead of launching into a greatest hits for Cameron Diaz, (Justin Timberlake. I don't know how he could stand to put his dick in your box!) let me just point out something that scares me. Cameron Diaz seems to star in an inordinate number of films about disfigurement. Seriously. The Mask featured Jim Carrey changing his appearance into a green slimy guy. Shrek is also about a green slimy guy. Vanilla Sky is all about a disfigured Tom Cruise, (kind of redundant, n'est pas?). Being John Malkovich had her unrecognizable under layers of bad hair, which was probably not a bad thing. There's Something About Mary had more bad hair day jokes, (come on!), and also featured her disgustingly disfigured roommate Magda, and the plot of Very Bad Things revolves around burying a dead hooker in the desert. Sadly, it wasn't Cameron Diaz.

I probably can't get any worse than that, so let's end this here by stating that Cameron Diaz is supposed to be so bubbly and funny, but she just comes off as annoying. Oh, and blonde, brunette, or whatever other color that she dyes her hair, Cameron Diaz is extremely unsexy. Plus, isn't Cameron a boy's name? They say that the camera adds ten pounds, but this Cameron adds one hundred and thirty pounds of unsexiness to whatever disfiguring movie that she stars in. And she turned Jared Leto gay. And Justin Timberlake...well, he was in a band with Lance Bass. Lance was probably N'Him. Still better than Cameron Diaz.

And even though, she's not in the song, I just wanted to say that co-star of CA2 Demi Moore is way unsexy as well. I don't care if she does feel like a twenty-five year old inside, she still looks like a fifty-five year old on the outside, no matter how many plastic surgeries she gets. And sadly, she is only forty-five. Demi Moore? How about we see Demi Less. The fact that she is so famous is Vanity Unfair. Hooray! Demi and Rumer are the first mother and daughter to make the list. They are multi-generational unsexy. It's no Rumer, it's the truth.

And Destiny

Notice that I never actually talked about the movie Charlie Angel's or the sequel. what can be said, really? They are just a bunch so set pieces set to music, a full-length music video, not surprising when you consider that the director, McG, is a glorified music video director. I can't really remember anything memorable about either movie, other than the all of the songs. and if the songs are the most memorable thing to come out of a movie and a sequel, especially ones featuring of this eye candy, you know that these angels have lost their wings. Charlie, how your angels get down like that? They didn't get down. These four got up to number four, and if these are the angles of the morning, then I don't want to wake up.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #6 Beyonce featuring Shakira

I would be a beautiful liar if I said that either of these two artists would make it onto this list on their own. I was probably leaning more towards Beyonce, due to her pre-fabricated image, her constant wavering between solo success and performing with the other two Children, downplayed relationship with Jay-Z, and above all, her plastic persona. But plastic enough does not make it to the top of this list. I wasn't going to say her name. Shakira was more difficult. True, there is her mangled English, her line about her breasts being small and humble, as not to confuse them with mountains, the other line that underneath your clothes, there's an endless story, and finally, her album title being referenced for jokes about laundry, but all of this too place in 2001! So really, what has Shakira done in the last six years to deserve a spot on this list, besides being orally fixated. Regarding her place, I just thought to myself, don't bother.

But then came Beautiful Liar. Suddenly, Beyonce and Shakira both deserve a spot on this list, even if the have to share it, just like they are presumably sharing the man of the title. Have you seen the video? It's a train wreck. For one thing, half of the song consists of Beyonce and Shakira saying "Beyonce, Beyonce, Shakira, Shakira" a bunch of times, (is this pop music or homeroom class?). The rest of the song consists of them telling a man that he's not worth it. Is this every song that Beyonce has ever recorded? Let's see, there was Say My Name, Ring the Alarm, Me Myself & I, Irreplaceable, (to the left, to the left), I guess Survivor, (about women instead), plus more that I am going to talk about in my next point. Listen Beyonce, if you have so many issues, deal with them, instead of a recording a song about it all the time. If it's real, then manage, and if its fake, then sing about something else for a change.

Moving on, I said I was going to talk about the video, but I have only mentioned the song. The video really did it for me, (and be did it, I mean think about adding Beyonce and Shakira to this list). I have come to realize that they are the same person, only with different nationalities. All that they do is this video is wear very little clothing and gyrate. This would be fine, except it just seems so fake. There is no passion in it, and instead of singing a duet, they just seem to be trying to top each other. First they appear solo, and sometimes Beyonce is wearing some sort of classy outfit which makes her look strange. Finally, they appear together in the rain and on top of a neon sign, but there's nothing in it. They are just carbon copies of each other. They've both got blonde weaves, and gym-toned bodies, and of course, their writhing, which just looks soulless.

If you want to make a megastar collaboration video, go ahead, but try to look like you are having a little fun. Speaking of fun, the reason that I hate this song / video so much is for the line, 'Can we laugh about it?" followed by these ladies producing the fakest, weirdest laugh I have ever heard, a sort of dry heave set to a beat. Heh. Heh. Heh. Also, when they laugh, they sort of just face each other and raise their shoulders three times. Heh heh heh. Beautiful Liar? More like terrible actors. Is this song worth my time? No, yet I can't look away. It's a beautiful disaster.

Still, I can't Shakira the feeling that this sort of collaboration will become the norm. Take two successful boring singers, add some Middle Easternish song, and have them squirm a lot and you've got a hit. Pardon me, while I Beyonslay myself. You ain't beautiful, it's true.