Unsexiest Female Celebs - #7 Rosie O'Donnell

Wow, Chas. You started a blog to state that Rosie O'Donnell is unsexy. what are you going to tell us next? Maybe that water is wet? Or that fire is hot? You dare say what nobody else has the guts to say. I commend you, dear friend.

Alright, now that we got that out of the way, Gimme a Break! I am so tired of seeing Rosie's face, (among other things), every time she goes out of the way to say something controversial. Which is a lot. Whether it is making fun of Chinese people, calling Kelly Ripa homophobic about Clay Aiken's hand, 9/11 conspiracies, arguing with the 'Survivor' about the war in Iraq, and the issue that Trumps them all, Rosie O'Donnell's ugly contorted face always shows up on news feeds. And I am tired of seeing it.

She is in a league of her own when it comes to saying wacky things just because she can. I wonder if The View is going to be cancelled when she leaves, as her talk show could not survive amidst the presence of Caroline Rhea. I couldn't really understand, as it was the same exact show, except Caroline Rhea didn't pretend to have a crush on Tom Cruise. It's funny, because Rosie was in the closet at the time, and so was Tom. Now that she's fully out, she has a chance to market her lesbian pleasure cruise, (which I imagine is not as much fun as Boat Trip), and appear on episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm for no reason whatsoever. Even if Larry is a friend to the lesbian community, I don't think that the lesbian community's ambassador is Rosie O'Donnell.

Listen, Rosie, I'm all for you doing your thing, be it Broadway musicals, (emphasis on Broad), talk shows, (which you and Greg Behrendt seem to corner the market on, I'm just not that into you), horrible movies, (Exit to Eden? Really?), or getting into fights with Magnum P.I. about gun control, but just do it quietly. I don't want to hear you. And even more than that, I don't want to look at you anymore. Even Chris O'Donnell is sexier than the Queen of Nice. Just because you are leaving the View, I somehow doubt that you will be out of the view of the public. The promise of an O'Donnell-free future does not look Rosie.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #8 Ivanka Trump

I was recently thinking about this list was missing, and then I was saved by the bell. I got it! It needs more daughters of celebrities that look way too much like their famous fathers. And quite in the way I thought about the episode where Zack goes out with Slater's sister and keeps picturing Slater in a dress. Right away, that led me to Ivanka Trump. She looks like Donald, (the scrunched-up face), she acts like Donald, (I heard that she's on his show, but I wouldn't know, as I haven't watched it in five seasons) and she's one botched hairstyle away from being Donald Trump in a dress and a push-up bra. And that my friends, is the definition of somebody who deserves to be on this list.

Ivanka Trump, You're Unsexy!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #9 Celine Dion

I was recently thinking about what this list has been missing, and then it all came back to me - French Canadians. And who is the most famous French Canadian woman of all? Well, it doesn't surprise me that the most famous is also the least sexy. I'm talking, of course, about Celine Dion, the youngest of fourteen children. No wonder she made the list. Her parents tried so hard to produce and unsexy child, and it finally worked.

How about some call and response with Celine:

The Titanic song? It s(t)unk

The Roy Orbison song / Chrysler commercial? It left me Cryin' / I wanted to drive it off a cliff

Beauty and the Beast? One of them describes Celine. Guess which one.

Celine in Vegas? Crap(s)

Because You Loved Me? I loathed you.

A New Day Has Come? And yet, you sound as bad as you always have.

Where Does My Heart Beat Now? I wish it wouldn't.

Winner of the Eurovision song contest? I'm Blind.

That's the Way It Is? At least you accept it.

The 'Misled' dance remix? Yes it was.

If You Asked Me To? Okay. Please Stop.

The Sleepless in Seattle song? No wonder they're Sleepless in Seattle. It isn't the coffee, it's your horrible voice.

The pointless cover of All by Myself? Good, stay by yourself, and don't come near me.

I'm Your Angel, a duet with R. Kelly. Now we're talking. I bet that R. looked to Rene's husband / manager / creepy old dude / infirmary patient for inspiration.

Apparently, they met when she was twelve, and they have a twenty-six year age difference. That's creepy, even for me. Apparently, she once said that their relationship was the same, except that the bedtime kisses changed. That's so gross, that I'm just going to leave it there. Celine Dion, non, Merci.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #11 and #10 Renee Zellweger and Sarah Jessica Parker

Let's get down the edge of reason here. For starters, let's throw out all of their other roles of SJP and RZ. Goodbye The Family Stone, and Failure to Launch. See ya later, Footloose and L.A. Story and Honeymoon in Vegas. Sayanora Dudley Do-Right. Now let's chuck Cold Mountain and Chicago and Cinderella Man, jettison Jerry Maguire, move aside Me, Myself and Irene, nose out Nurse Betty and bury The Bachelor. Down With Love.

What are we left with? Well, two unsexy actresses, for one thing, but basically the same character. Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones. Yes, these two women are probably the most popular fictional characters with which females identify themselves. Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones are the same, just with different home countries - both journalists, (if you count diaries), both single and unlucky and love, both having problems with too much smoking and drinking and fashionable purchases, and both falling for the wrong men.

Except it's a lie.

Even though Carrie Bradshaw is supposedly based on a real person who wrote a sex column, (Candace Bushnell, and check out the similarity of the names), Carrie Bradshaw is a gay man. Check it out, the creator of the show is gay, she hangs out with the same three friends who bitch about men over cocktails, (cocktales?), and the whole time she insists on how fabulous she is, whilst meanwhile ruining every chance that she has with a man, cheating on them and otherwise driving them away seemingly on purpose.

But I've never watched the show before.

Oh, and one other reason why Carrie Bradshaw is a gay man. There is no way that interesting characters like Mike Logan, that male ballerina the Northern Exposure actor, and the dude from Office Space ever find Sarah Jessica Parker, (whoops, I mean Carrie Bradshaw), to be that fascinating. She's really just whiny and narcissistic and self-obsessed, while the men in her life obviously come back for reasons other than her looks and personality. It's because she's a nymphette. Face it, while the show tries to turn Samantha into the stereotypical gay man character who screws all the time, (note the part where she experimented with a relationship with a woman, very gay man), but it's really Carrie that's the gay man-whore. She writes a sex column, for gawd's sake! Look, she can't hold down a relationship, hangs out with her 'platonic' gay male friend Stanford Blatch and is obsessed with fashion. Also, she lives in New York City, drinks girly drinks and is trying to make the wrong man fall in love with her. Gay. Man.

Plus, she's ugly.

Look at me, picking on another lefty and another Jew. I didn't do this on purpose I swear. Good luck, Sarah Jessica Parker. At least you've got fellow lefty and Jew Ferris Bueller at home. Let's hope he takes a day off for you.

Oh, and what's the lie behind Bridget Jones? It's that she's a fat British woman played by an anorexic American-Norwegian (!) woman. It seems that Bridget Jones has the same problem as Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie can never decide who she likes - the guy who treats her well, as represented by Aidan the furniture guy, or the guy who treats her like crap - Mr. Big, who we don't really know what he does. In the end, well, you know, and if you don't I'm not going to ruin it for you. As for Bridget Jones, well, I'm not going to ruin that either, but she's also got a choice between her jerk of a boss played by Hugh Grant, Daniel Cleaver, (ohh, wonder if that name was intentional), and her sweet childhood friend, (ditto). It's no wonder that Bridget Jones is so neurotic, as these two interesting characters like Bridget for no discernible reason whatsoever! It's like they are competing over the most unlikeable character in the world, and then tell her that she's great the way she is? What kind of bollocks is that?

I admit that I never read the book or saw the sequel, but Bridget Jones, like Carrie Bradshaw, is neither attractive nor interesting. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she's unattractive because she's large, as Renee Zellweger looked better as Bridget than she ever did in real life, (funny how she tried so hard to take the weight off after shooting both films). I think that Bridget Jones is unattractive solely because she is played by the unattractive Renee Zellweger. The manatees who write for Family Guy hit the nail on the head both times. Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6l-5-cBp0s and http://youtube.com/watch?v=m4Fdrnuak1g, though the second one is kind of random.

Moreover about Bridget Jones' Diary. It was great to see Hugh Grant playing against type, not always bumbling and stumbling, though I hope to finally catch the end of Music and Lyrics, where he does just that. But Colin Firth didn't really do anything except scowl. and don't think I've missed the joke that he plays Mark Darcy, and previously played Mr. Darcy in the BBC mini-series Pride and Prejudice. Hi-larious! However, what I can't seem to figure out is the appeal of this kind of character. While supposedly the foil in Bridge Jones, he too is like Daniel Cleaver, as he never opens himself up to Bridget Jones, quite like Mr Big with Carrie. So these women have to spend so much time getting these emotionally fragile men to give them the slightest bit of commitment before they are able to really appreciate their own lives. And we are supposed to sympathize with them? I'm sure that there is a reason that every girl watched Pride and Prejudice in residence and it probably had less to do with Jane Austen than that it is a story about pursuing an emotionally bankrupt man.

This is a fairy tale?

I guess that they did cast the right actress, because isn't that what the real Renee Zellweger is trying to do with Kenny Chesney, Jim Carrey, Jack White etc. I don't know much about the psyche of these men, but they seem to be completely emotionally cut off, and here comes Renee Zellweger to get them to open up. Too bad it doesn't work.

Also, did you know that Renee Zellweger is almost forty? Damn. She's seems to be twenty-eight, but I don't want this in any way to sound like a compliment. I just wanted to point out that she doesn't seem old. Maybe that makes her even more unsexy, as she seems like should be better-looking.

Look, I'm all for escapist fare, but it would have been far more believable if we didn't have to believe that these men got involved with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker and Renee Zellweger. Because neither one is nothing to write home about.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #12 Dita Von Teese

Speaking of women who wouldn't place in a ninety pound beauty contest, here's Marilyn Manson's ex-wife, burlesque dancer and corset wearer Dita Von Teese.

I don't have anything clever to say about her. I just find her incredibly unattractive.

Okay, here's one. When Marilyn Manson, possibly sporting those prosthetic breasts featured in the video for 'The Dope Show' is the attractive one in the relationship, it's probably best that the relationship ends. Also, you're supposed to be a throwback performer to the 1940s, but with your overly dyed hair, implants and weird skin, you look like a throwback to last Thursday. But hey, at least Dita called out the Pussycat Dolls for being 'fake burlesque'. Ooohhh, way to expose a serious hard-hitting act as something that it's not. Plus, you are fake. Brrrrrrlesque.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #13 Most of Missy Elliott with a little Nicole Richie thrown in

I don't care if she lost 'a few pounds', I will never consider Missy Elliott sexy. I don't care if asks me to hand her a person of Netherlandic origin. I don't care if she asks me to let my outrageousness show through. I don't care if she discusses guys that cannot last for more than sixty seconds, (ewww, by the way). I don't care if she requests that I abandon my motor functions. I don't care if she ruminates on the fact that she does not appreciate vapor from the sky, (I think it's super duper). I don't care if she asks me to employ the object. There will be no convincing me Missy Elliott. You do not look like a Halle Berry poster, and despite your high opinion of yourself, you're not especially attractive.

But hey, it's cool that you had lesbian relationships with he/she Ciara, the winner of ANTM Cycle 3, Tweet, and most likely the late Aaliyah, (too soon), who you memorialize in every single one of your videos. Oh, and what is with the special effects, Missy? Are you afraid that we'll see what you really look like and 'run for cover'? 'Hoo dee hoo'! Oh, and don't think that I forgot your involvement in Lady Marmalade, meaning that of the five singers, only Mya and Christina Aguilera escaped inclusion on this list, (though it might be a stretch to call Mya a celebrity, and X-Tina is saved by her hot orange skin). Oh, and the less said about your Gap ads, (not to mention your gap), the better. Missy Elliott, you are so unsexy, that it's a misdemeanor.

Since you probably lost the equivalent of a Nicole Richie, so this seems like the simple place to include her. The truth about Nicole Richie is that even if there was a beauty contest for ninety pound women, Nicole Richie would not place. That's so not hot. Hello? It's not her I'm looking for. She's a straw house.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #14 Jennifer Garner

One JG deserves another. Jennifer Garner is probably most famous for starring in the show Alias, but it should have been called Alien, as that is what she looks like. In fact, the real bomb of the movie Pearl Harbor was in fact, her face. Jennifer Garner is also a funny actress, but more funny strange, and not so much funny ha-ha. Dude, Where's her Char...isma?

Jennifer Garner, like Jaslene Gonzalez, has a very strange voice and sounds like she is constantly whining. I Dare any Devil to spend more than ten minutes with her. Trust me, I wouldn't catch Jennifer Garner even if I could. I would probably release her. Jennifer supposedly has a great body because of her commitment to kickboxing, but if her body was near me, I would probably kick her in the box.

Jennifer Garner is perhaps most famous for marrying some Bostonian celebrity that used to be famous, (and come September 28th, he will be Back, Baby, Back). However, it sucks for Jennifer and her husband, who apparently is named 'Ben', because they are now known as 'Bennifer 2'. I just found out that Ben was dating some other celebrity named Jennifer who used to be famous. I am not surprised that I hadn't heard about it, since it didn't get much coverage in the press. I guess the couple decided not to Elopez. So Jennifer had to be sloppy seconds to a woman with her same first name. Too bad. She doesn't Garner any sympathy from me though, because she wants to keep her relationships private, and keep a J-Lo profile. If that's the case, then don't marry a Hollywood celebrity who is most famous for his relationship with Hollywood celebrity Matt Damon. Got all that? Good, because I do not want to get Violet.

Wow, I didn't imagine that when writing about Jennifer Garner that I would include so many puns. I figured to include 13, but I am now going on 30. She's Elektra, can I NOT be Elektra too?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #15 Jaslene Gonzalez

I can't really find anything interesting about America's Next Top Deaf Model Jaslene, so instead, here is some trivia about Natasha Galinka, copied directly from wikipedia.

Natasha made her own fake teeth out of gum wrapper for a drag photo shoot

Natasha's nickname for her baby is "Doggy".

Natasha wasn't able to become a model until she moved to America as she has stated there are no opportunities in Russia.

Natasha married her American husband when she was 18 and he was 40.

Oh yeah, and she's a mail order bride. But she still should have won. Jaslene has a crescent moon face, twig arms, and of course, the voice of a deaf person. This is not because she's Spanish, but because she can't talk. I will say this, when the models had to showcase four sides of their personality, Jaslene chose Sentimental, Drag Queen, ChaCha Diva and Modelesque, and guess what? Forget the fancy names, they were all the exact same pose! Oh and by the way, I'm straight.

Good luck Jaslene, because the only model I hated more than you was Jael, as she thought she was all high and mighty with her anarchy, but really she was just a poseur. Also, she is too light to really be a model. I swear that I am straight.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #16 Chyna

I would rather NOT be in Chyna. This is just a train wreck all around. I kind of feel bad for Chyna, but then again, I really don't. Why not? Let me take you back to High School.

I always used to go to Danny C's for bootlegged wrestling Pay Per Views. He had a lot of food - Fruit by the Foot, Dunkaroos, licorice, Oreos, Special K - and one night between bites, I announced that Chyna was kind of attractive. Now this grew a chuckle from the room, as, let's face it, Chyna is Chyna. Now I only kind of said that to be facetious, but months later, what happens? Chyna makes the cover of Playboy. And what did I do? Well, I bought it, of course. To this day, it is the only issue that I have ever bought.

And what did I find in it? Uhhhh. It was pretty bad. Obviously, there was major retouching, but still, Chyna had an overly muscular body. Apparently, she underwent jaw surgery to make her more feminine, but these pictures still revealed a mannish woman. Her breasts are obviously fake, she has a weird belly tattoo, and of course, her body is like no other woman's. She is a total drag queen, no question.

Now she is trying to prolong her career. It's Surreal. I actually stuck up for her when she was wrestling, at least when she fought men because she was an amusing character. Now it's just sad. There was a show where her best friend showed up, and even though she wasn't a wrestler, she looked just like Chyna, with major plastic surgery, to the point where you know its fake. And I'm not talking Janice Dickinson either, where it almost suits her, but these women looked bad. There was another episode where X-Pac, her angry boyfriend showed up, and revealed how trashy they both are. Besides, how can she date X-Pac, when she once dated his best friend Triple H? Tacky, Chyna, very tacky.

Oh, and even if some shows pretend to call her 'Chyna Doll', (a ridiculous name if you ask me, but the WWE probably owned the rights), for me she will always be Chyna, even if she will never wrestle again. She will always be a reminder that if you want to be a wrestling superstar, you can either be semi-girly with an enormous fake chest and hair extensions and not very effective at all. Or you could be Chyna, not even remotely girly, with an enormous fake chest and hair extensions, and actually be a good wrestler, (whatever that means), and only have fifteen famous women in the world be less sexy than you. Actually, it would probably be more if you were the least bit relevant.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #17 Kelly Osbourne

I wanted originally to write about Kelly Osbourne's friend, British singer Amy Winehouse, (another Jew!), who grosses me out with her tattoos and weird facial piercings. But sorry Amy, whinehouse all you want, but you're just not famous enough. You tried to make me go and add you, but I said no, no, no. Call me in five years. Or better yet, don't.

But oh boy, does Kelly qualify and more. You can argue that she's not famous enough, but boy does she qualify on the unsexy side. as for her fame, she did star on a reality show before reality shows were popular. I'm sorry, I mean this popular. Plus, Papa Don't Preach was a hot crossover tune, and she did date a guy called Bert McCracken. And Kelly Osbourne has inspired me to definitely overuse italics.

During Kelly Osbourne's feud with Christina Aguilera, X-Tina called Kelly a fat cow, which is really an insult to fat cows, who probably produce delicious steaks and milk. You must be going off the rails on a cray train to think that Kelly Osbourne is attractive. No, I'm not being paranoid.

To be fair to Kelly, when you consider what her parents and brother look like, she doesn't lack for company regarding branches of the ugly tree. But man, is she hideous, and its not her family's fault that she also got a bunch of tattoos. Her sister Aimee, who didn't appear on the show, doesn't look too gross, (there I go again), and Kelly has set a high standard for herself, since she sometimes works as a model. Crazy. But that's how it goes.

However, until I found out that Kelly is friends with a popular musician, there was some hope left that her music career was finished, and we would probably never have to see her again. Her last album sold 9,000 copies, peaking at #119 on Billboard, though it did come out on a wonderful day, (June 7, 2005). I'm sure that Kelly will find some way to get back into the spotlight, like randomly filming her trip to Japan for an MTV show. Wait, that already happened.

In any case, good luck Kelly. You may be really ugly, but at least your father like you. Then again, he's been out of it for about forty years now. Oh and Kelly, you might be related to a famous singer, but nobody wants to hear from you. So Shut Up!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #18 Kate Hudson

Hopefully nobody will be raising hell about this post, but here's another actress, another lefty, and another Jew, (well, Buddhist-Jew, a Boo. Or perhaps a Judist.) Well, anyways, when I was originally thinking of names for this list, I never really considered Kate Hudson for this list. Now, not only does she make the list, but appropriately, gets a really chai number. I guess that this is a surprise to me, but when you think about it, Kate Hudson hasn't really done anything to dissuade me from considering her unsexy. Kate Hudson? Even Rock Hudson is sexier. Too soon?

Maybe it's the fact that Kate Hudson looks a little too much like mother. Maybe it's because she got married really young to that creepy-looking Black Crowes dude and had a kid. Maybe it's because Nomah gave her a couple of souvenir balls, (who wants to bat behind Nomah?), but for whatever reason, Kate Hudson is not even remotely sexy. In fact, when you consider the number of movies she's been in, it's amazing that she is famous, when she should be almost famous. Hold me less close, Kate Hudson.

Let's see - Alex and Emma, (or is it Alex & Emma?), didn't see it. Le Divorce, didn't see it. You, Me and Dupree, never even thought about it. The Skeleton Key, I don't think anybody saw it. Raising Helen I saw two months ago, and Kate Hudson has long been eclipsed in fame by her adopted children Abigail Breslin, Abigail Breslin's brother, and that girl from Heroes, (her again!) The last Kate Hudson movie I remember watching before that was 200 Cigarettes, which I think was also on TV. Kate Hudson is now the third cast member from that film to make this list, (but who are the others?) Oh wait, I saw How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on the Movie Network. It should have been called 'How to Lose an Audience in 10 Minutes'. Seriously, it was a bad romantic comedy, and I usually like romantic comedies, (I mean, what's a rom-com?)

Oh, and I didn't even mention Owen Wilson. Not only did Kate Hudson star in a rom-com with his brother, (awkward!), but Kate and Owen also look more like siblings than Luke and Owen do. And perhaps that's the reason that I find Kate Hudson so unsexy. she wasn't dating Owen at the time I thought of this list, but since then I have begun to think of her a a female Owen Wilson. and anytime you see the phrase 'female Owen Wilson', you know that you are charting high on this list. "I'm, like, 98% excited, and maybe 2% scared. Or maybe it's backwards. Maybe I'm 98% scared, and, like, 2% excited. But that's what makes it so great... I'm so confused!"

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #19 Eve, Erykah Badu, Alicia Keys, Raven-Symone, Pink (tie)

This blog post is a bit of a cheat. The women in this particular entry haven't exactly been keeping things up on the celebrity end of the bargain, but their unsexiness does not warrant any doubt. Since they are probably all not worthy of this high, (low?) a spot on their own, I've decided to group them all together. That way, I can pretend that I didn't forget to list them earlier. My loose theme is 'R & B', but feel free to make up your own, and enjoy!

The first woman is Eve. The only reason that I even thought about her in the first place was because of her recent trouble with drunk driving. She was said to have been visited in prison by Sean Penn. WTF? Before you go on about how Eve is a rapper, not an R & B songstress, Eve herself claims to be 'hip-pop', and that's good enough for me. Probably the things I find unsexiest about Eve are her short pink hair, her paw boob tattoos, her two duets with Gwen Stefani, including the completely unnecessary cover of a song from Fiddler on the Roof, the fact that she's in horrible action movies, her supposed sex tape, her music, her age, (28? Damn she's been around!), and last, but certainly not least, her album named Eve-Olution. Even I wouldn't make a pun that bad. However, if she calls a future album Eve 6, all is forgiven.

Next, we have Erykah Bad. Whoops, I mean Erykah Badu. She changed her name from Erica Wright, and I certainly do not understand why. That was a Badu move. She once had a bunch of semi-hits, got knocked up by Andre 3000, and named the baby 'Seven', (thanks, George Costanza), and she sported a giant Afro, which I believe was fake. She's Badu news.

Following that, Alicia Keys also has a fake name, and thank god, because it was just too cute for a piano prodigy to be named 'Keys'. Strangely enough, I also hate the name of one of Alicia Keys' albums, that being Songs in A Minor, which she wrote when she was mostly underage. As for her music, it was mostly tolerable until it became co-opted by American Idol contestants and Indian 'women' who thought they were black. So now they are pretty much unlistenable, as some of her songs were in the first place, such as Jew Don't Know My Name, which I think had a different title. Little known fact: Alicia Keys once appeared on the Cosby Show.

Wow, what a great segue into Raven-Symone. Raven suffers from Mary Kate and Ashleyitis, but even worse, since she's not a coke whore. Basically, it's like this - she will always be four. Therefore, as a full grown adult, she can never be sexy. I'm sure there's some Peter Pan or Sigmund Freud angle I could take here, but like Raven-Symone, I'm not touching it. There may always be room for Jell-O, but there's no room for Olivia to be sexy. That's so NOT Raven.

And just in case you thought I was just writing about black women...Pink, who I am not sure is black, or even a woman. Following the them, Pink was once known as Alecia Moore, and in a few years is probably going to remembered no Moore. Pink makes me sick. She gets this party ended. Like with Lil' Kim, I wouldn't voulez-vous couchez avec toi, ce soir or any other soir.

So there you have it. They all relate somehow, and this way, I can now concentrate on the unsexiest of the unsexiest. It's really going to get ugly.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #21 and #20 Rachel Bilson and Kristin Cavallari

It's a cruel summer, as you can easily access my archive and see that I once called Rachel Bilson attractive. I don't know why anybody would do that, but there you go. However, let me just say that I wrote that piece in Autumn, and it was a long time ago. Her show was still on the air! Marissa was still alive! She was still dating Adam Brody. O.C. what I mean? Hey Rachel Bilson, Welcome to the Unsexiest Female Celebs list, bitch.

Strangely enough, a spin-off of Rachel's show sprouted up about a year later. its title was Laguna beach, but more curiously, the subheading was The Real Orange County. Yet it's star, Kristin Cavallari is completely fake. Fake blonde hair, fake tan, fake teeth, and I assume that her personality is fake too, but I have never watched the show, (really). I heard that it is a 'scripted reality show', whatever that means, which is probably that the reality is as real as the leading actress. She's exactly one place unsexier than the fictionalized O.C. star Rachel Bilson, (funny how that worked out).

Rachel Bilson has a really small face, which seems to be scrunched too close together. However, she wins points because her father wrote The Rocketeer, and for having a sister twenty years younger than her, (two blog posts in a row!) and because her ex-bf, (Seth Cohen), seems much less of a douche, (yet still somewhat of a douche), than Kristin Cavallari's ex-bf, (Stephen Colletti). Seriously, look at a picture of the guy, what a tool! They deserve each other. Oh, and by the way, after Kristin Cavallari, this Stephen guy moved on to Hayden Panettiere. She couldn't even qualify for my list, due to the fact that she's five! We could be pedos, if just for one day. In my opinion, she's still better looking than Kristin Cavallari, who looks like a drag queen. Plus she's really old. 1987? Please! Of course, Rachel Bilson is ancient, as she is born in 1981.

I do realize that I'm the age of Ryan and Seth's parents. I guess I'm in charge of the Chrismukkah decorations this year. It will be Real...ly Exciting.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #22 Tracee Ellis Ross

I seem to have a recent fixation with unsexy celebs on the CW network. The merger of UPN and WB has really opened my eyes as to the unsexiness on the fifth television station. However, I feel like I have been neglecting the roots of The CW, as my analysis itself has been CW, (completely white). I have been like the most recent episode of One Tree Hill, as my main plot did not include a single black person, (seeing as Skills was not on the last episode, as if he didn't go the prom!) Take a look at the CW show Girlfriends, as its the only one they've got, da duh da da. This is the kind of show that WB and UPN used to be famous for - shows for black audiences. Seeing as these kind of shows were no longer aired on any of the other networks, they found a home on the upstart networks, and one of the most popular was Girlfriends, produced by actor Kelsey Grammer (!) Girlfriends has been on the air for seven years!

In truth, I don't really watch the show very often, (I think I saw half an episode on Omni12), but apparently its about four black women trying to make it in Los Angeles. But what caught my attention more than the forgettable storylines was the lead actress, Tracee Ellis Ross. The first thing I noticed were her buggy eyes. The second thing I noticed is the she looks very familiar. And guess where that 'Ross' comes from? That's right, from her mother, Diana Ross. Tracee Ellis Ross' older sister is Rhonda Ross Kendrick, the love child between Diana Ross and Berry Gordy, who inspired the song 'Love Child'. Her younger brother, sixteen years younger than her, is Evan Olaf Ross, an up and coming actor, and the son of Diana Ross and a Norwegian mountaineer (! again)

So back to Tracee Ellis Ross. If her mother was supposed to be the 'hot' supreme, how come her daughter is supremely unsexy? The other siblings do not seem to share in her bug-eye condition, so maybe it was a trait shared by her father, of whom I can't seem to find a picture. Don't say that it's a 'biracial' thing, as her younger brother, the Norwegian mountain guy, doesn't seem to have it. So I'm sorry Tracee Ellis Ross, but I don't want you as a girlfriend, and I do believe that there is a mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you. It's called you.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #23 Debra Messing

Debra Messing. Born to Jewish parents yada yada yada Ned & Stacey, Lowell is much hotter than she is yada yada yada that other show, no wonder they were all gay yada yada yada Hollywood Ending, no wonder that Woody Allen went blind yada yada yada The Wedding Date. I would have seen in theatres, but I was sick that day yada yada yada the guy who she's married to, Unlucky You yada yada yada Similar to Lucille Ball, more like Lucille Appal, also, more like Debra Messed-up yada yada yada. Anti-Dentite.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #24 Kristin Kreuk

Kristin doesn't know that I'm online, and I'm writing this blog post about her. I wish I watched Smallville, but then again, I'm glad that I don't. Anybody who does is supernerdy. Still, it's on TV, and Kristin doesn't know. Kristin doesn't know. Kristin does ads for Neutrogena, still, she's nowhere near as hot as X-Tina (uhhh), and Kristin doesn't know. I hope that Kristin doesn't end up in porn, and I hate that she's a Capricorn. Kristin Kreuk is another mutt, a mix of Dutch and Chinese. If she wanted to go out with me, I'd be like 'Chutch, please!' Go get high and then have some more pork fried rice. I'm so glad that Kristin doesn't know. Kirstin Kreuk is from BC. If I knew her, I'd be like BC ya! Go get rained on. We don't even speak the same Lana Language. Nice alliteration for your real and fake names. Charles chooses somebody other than you. Kristin doesn't know. All these magazines find you sexy. But to me you look like a typical Rogers spokesmodel, a young Native boy. Kristen doesn't know, Kristen doesn't know and Jen doesn't know.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #25 Carmit Bachar

Apparently, I do research for my blog posts. While nobody has come out with a list like mine, there is apparently a lot of talk about 'celebrity buttafaces'. Topping that list is always Stacy 'Fergie' Ferguson', who I have already touched on, (ewww). The second most popular, and the one I have stolen for this list, is Carmit Bachar. Who the heck is Carmit Bachar? Well, she makes her living standing around, looking 'sexy' and pretending to sing, (much like Fergie), but along with five, (now six) other girls. that's right Carmit Bachar is the red-haired Pussycat Doll, nicknamed 'foxy doll'.

I wish that this fox would crawl back into her hole. I admit that I haven't really seen much of Carmit, as she is barely shown in her own videos. But unlike the other members of the 'group', Carmit has been a PCD from the beginning,back when they were a terrible burlesque troupe, and not a terrible pop group. I don't know what is ore amazing. The fact that this buttaface has been a Pussy since Day One, (as if you look at her face, and truth be told, her body, she really is unattractive), or the fact that the rest of the band, not just Nicole hardtoprouncelastname, were hired as singers, but do little to no actual singing.

So Carmit Bachar is a triple threat: dancer, singer, paint-melter, she really deserves the number twenty-five spot. Wait a minute, how does a Dutch, Indonesian, Israeli, Chinese woman end up looking like her anyways? Don'tCha wish you hadn't seen her picture? I don't need a (wo)man who looks like Carmit. Don't push my buttons, Carmit. Beep.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #26 Rumer Willis

I want to put all the gossip aside, and set the record straight. Rumer Willis looks a lot like one of her parents. Sadly, it's not her mother, Demi Moore, (who in truth, is no great shakes herself), but her father. Imagine a female Bruce Willis. Wish you hadn't? Sorry, but that's what Rumer Willis looks like. Even her stepfather, (and how creepy is that?), Ashton Kutcher probably stays away from her. I'm scouting out some younger female celebs, (since most of the last ones are old), and Rumer qualifies, as she is already 19 (!)

Rumer Willis is now and then an actress, though I want never want to see her do a striptease. If somebody took her hostage, I wouldn't go the whole nine yards to get her back. She did Tsunami aid, but it's really her looks that needing aiding. You;re a fashion designer? Does that make me a bashin' designer? Yippee kai nay, Rumer Willis!