Unsexiest Female Celebs - #46 Susie Essman

Curb your anger for one second. As Susie Greene, I would let her give me the tour of the house, but I would not let her take me to the bedroom. Susie Essman is going to be forever associated with her character Susie Greene, even though I saw her on Conan and she seemed almost mild-mannered. Once she's in character though, she transforms herself into a real ball-buster. Would you find her sexy? You four-eyed fuck? You fat piece of shit?

If somebody asked me if I found Susie sexy, I would have to respond the same way that Larry David did when he was asked if Susie was his wife: "Uhhh! No!" If I found myself in any sort of close circumstances with Susie, I would throw myself off a balcony, and I hope that I had twelve sponge cakes to land on. I rather have a dog bite...you get the picture.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #47 Stacy 'Fergie' Ferguson

Now speaking of strange faces, we've got The Dutchess, (but not the Duchess of York), coming in at #47. Tad Hamilton, (aka Josh howeveryoupronouncehislastname) doesn't seem to mind, but I believe that is fairly evident to everyone with eyes that Fergie is a man. Now don't let those breast implants and her 'hot' body fool you. If you look at Fergie from the neck up, man, oh man'. I feel like I used that 'joke' on another female celeb a while back. I guess that's the advantage of not writing in a while. But seriously, Fergie is a drag queen at best, dude at worst.

I cannot figure out whether this a recent development or not. I checked out a young Fergie on the show Kids Incorporated http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UWD1YaBZkk, and she seemed, perhaps, a little boyish, but just a little bit. Maybe she was pre-pubescent, and that's how she did a good job of hiding it. By the way, while the song Fergie performs is pretty terrible, the Kids Incorporated theme song is amazing, and will be stuck in my head for weeks. K! I! D! S! Yeah! Oh, and yes, it is that Mario Lopez, but I'll be damned if I could find him in this clip.

For further research, the next clip I found was an almost grown Fergie performing the national anthem at a hockey game in 1997. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXOp9J2eRpg. There are three things that immediately jump out at you. Number one is how does anybody think to keep footage like this? I certainly wouldn't of thought of it at the time. The second thing is that Fergie really belts it out. She's not necessarily good, but she's certainly better than when she did that Pretenders song as a kid. The third noticeable detail is that at this point she's about fifty-fifty man / woman. Her too blonde hair looks like a wig and she definitely seems to be showing signs of plastic surgery. By the way, she's 22 at the time.

The rest of Fergie's story is pretty well-known. Addiction to crystal meth yada yada yada gets a bunch of ugly piercings dot dot dot Joins the Black Eyed Peas etc. etc. Removes her Adam's Apple di dah di dah di dah pisses herself on stage, (you make your own inference here) blah blah blah Fergielicious! http://youtube.com/watch?v=pkuC8_pMvXY. She's now a man, and a slutty gay man at that. Never mind that she just said 'I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy', all of a sudden it's 'boys come and go like seasons'. Poor Josh. Oh who am I kidding? As if Fergie wrote her own lyrics! Thanks Will.I.am.

So yeah, Fergie's a man now, and if she proved that she had a voice in that hockey clip, now she's about as musically inclined as when she was ten. It may be delicious, but it definitely ain't ladyfingers!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #48 Missi Pyle

It was just my luck to catch a certain Lindsay Lohan movie on The Movie Network today, and let me tell you, it was kind of disappointing. True, the scene where LL makes out with random guys was a riot, (it must have been quite a stretch for her, I'm sure), but the movie just seemed to pander too much to the audience. wow, a fat black music producer, what a clever and original character! A crazy fortune teller who can actually predict the truth, now there's a fresh idea!

It just seemed as though I could see every joke coming from a mile away, and the idea that all 'unlucky' or 'nerdy' characters wear glasses is demeaning. I don't even wear glasses and I feel this way, so you can imagine the strength of my conviction. Also, what was with the extended cameo by undiscovered band McFly playing undiscovered band McFly? Besides ripping off the last name of a character in a good movie, the band just plain sucked. It's a good thing this movie got them exposure, and uhhh, whoops!

The real reason that I'm mentioning this crapfest in the first place is that LL's boss, the bitchy idea-stealer, (another never before done character), just happened to be played by ubiquitous Andrea Kay 'Missi' Pyle. Who's Missi Pyle, you ask? Well, she seems to be the foremost character actress in Hollywood, because every time I see a movie or just happen to flip by a movie, there's Missi. In Bringing Down the House, she's having a catfight, in Dodgeball, she's that creepy Eastern European character, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I forget what she played in that, the episode of Friends where Ross bleaches his teeth, (I mean, I've never seen Friends. Or even heard of it. Could I be any more busted?) In Soul Plane she was Tom Arnold's cuckolding wife, I think she was in Anchorman, Big Fish, TBS favorite Galaxy Quest and on and on and on.

Now here's the interesting thing. Last night, I happened to be watching Extreme Makeover on the new Slice network. They had this L.A. plastic surgeon http://www.perlmanmd.com/Index.html who seemed to give everybody five different surgeries. Afterwards, he would smile and pretended to care while the patient blubbered on about how he changed their life. I am fairly curious what this doctor would have done had Missi Pyle waltzer into his office as a patient on the show. Hell, she's popping up everywhere else, she might as well be on Extreme Makeover.

However, I just cannot figure out what the doctor would change about Missi Pyle. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, aside from the fact that she looks like an alien. I know this is akin to asking "Aside from your husband getting shot, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln?", but check out her photo, and you'll see what I mean. Her face just seems...wide. It doesn't seem like a human face. She is by no means unattractive, but she's just kind of unsexy. She's like the 48th unsexiest female celeb. It would be just my luck if she read this post, and I gave more business that the Hollywood plastic surgeon, but I'm not sure if he has a surgery that can fix her. Anti-Alien agent? Alien Reduction? Alienoscopy?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #49 Ashley Johnson

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. when I first started writing this list, I admit that I was at least partly inspired by a TBS showing of What Women Want. Now here we are, almost one year later and three months removed from my last post, and here we go again.

So where has the time gone? I admit that getting slammed by the CW for my Fantasia post hurt a little bit. Being dissed by an entire network does tend to keep a guy away from bloggin' for a while. Especially since Fantasia has returned to American Idol this season....whoops that's not Fantasia, it's LaKisha. My mistake. Please do not slam me CW. I love Tyra Banks.

So speaking of networks, (and segues, and I'm not talking about the scooters), back to What Women Want. That movie seems to be what Chas Traps wants...to see. Because every time it's on TV, I see it. This must be my fourth time through, but even on TBS, (no swears, far too many commercials), it still holds up. Yes, this is in spite of the horrible casting choices: Helen the giant Hunt, (#100 on this list) Alan Alda, (who I saw on Broadway as Shelley Levine) having no discernible reason to be in the film, and of course, the passionate Mel Gibson. At least in this movie Mel is supposed to be playing a jerk.

Now I can add another name to this list - Ashley Johnson. She seems to have suffered some Growing Pains. So adorable as Chrissy Seaver, who went from being one to being seven overnight, A.J. had clearly transformed from child actress into adult rolls.

On a side note, who would you rather have as a wacko Christian relative? Kirk Cameron, or Melle Mel Gibson? I wonder how many times her co-stars tried to get her to see the light.

At the end of What women want, Mel Gibson can no longer read female minds, but he reconnects with the women in his life and becomes a more sensitive guy. However, since those women were Helen Hunt and Ashley Johnson, he understandably became crazy, and regrettably blamed the Jews. Oh, and have you heard about Mel's new craziness? I hadn't either, so I'll make you look it up yourself. Needless to say, he is clearly Mad.

I can't think of way to transition away from Mel, so let me return by stating that Ashley Johnson is not sexy. But at least she survived a montage of trying on prom dresses for Mel Gibson, without once being called 'Sugartits'. Or maybe TBS just did a good job of editing it out. They shouldn't be such ----ers.