Cubspiracy

2000 - New York Yankees finish cementing their run of winning four World Series in five years, (seems like ages ago, doesn't it?) As of right now, I would say that the New York Yankees are the most popular baseball team in the world - legendary stadium, popular players, mystique, etc, etc. Aside from the Red Sox, the team that perhaps best captures the attention of casual fans - The Chicago Cubs. There is one big difference between the Cubs and Yankees of course - the Yankees have won twenty-six World Series champions - by far the most in history. The Cubs? Well, they won the World Series in 1907, behind the strength of pitcher Mordecai 'three finger' Brown. Heck, they decided the liked it so much, they decided to do it again, winning again in 1908. Since then...uh, not so much. The Cubs haven't even been to the World Series since 1945. Yes, that is a long time. Oh, and who did the Cubs beat in '07 and '08. That's right, same team that lost the World Series in '06(20), the Detroit Tigers. If the Cubs had gone on to win, say five more World Series Championships, is it fair to say that they would be as popular as the New York Yankees?

2001 - The Yankees lose the World Series, in perhaps the one year that everybody wanted them to win. The upstart team that beat the Yankees in dramatic fashion, off the greatest closer of all time? The freakin' Diamondbacks. Their manager was Bob Brenly, a former catcher and broadcaster, who after being fired by the Diamondbacks when they started playing like the Diamondbacks went back to the broadcast booth, where he could brag endlessly about winning the World Series. What team does Bob Brenly manage? You better believe it - the Cubs.

2002 - The San Francisco Giants are leading the Anaheim Angels, (yes, that was their name) 5-0 in the seventh inning of Game 6, with a 3-2 lead in the Series. After a couple of home runs and some errors, the Giants go on to lose 6-5. They then go on to lose Game 7. Cubs management, watching intently, figure that they can go out and hire the guy who managed to lose the World Series - Dusty Baker. Hey, at least he got to the World Series.

2003 - The plan almost works. The Cubs, so bad in 2003, make the play-offs behind some savvy trades, (and one would even say unfair, consider the Pirates trading Kenny lofton and Aramis Ramirez to the Cubs for a bag of balls deal). Also, for some reason, this is the only year that potential twenty game winners Mark Prior and Kerry Wood stay healthy. Couple them with the still fearsome Carlos Zambrano and the once-talented Matt Clement, and you've got yourself a hell of a rotation.

Oh wait a second, this is the Cubs we're talking about. They blew it. They didn't even make it into the world Series. They got beat by the freaking Marlins, who came up against a really weak Yankees team in the World Series and fluked out a victory, behind Yankee-killer Josh Beckett. The Cubs pissed away their chance. I don't blame Steve Bartman - that was one close play they might not have caught no matter who interfered with the ball. The truth of the matter is, the Cubs were up 3-0 in the eighth inning of Game Six, up 3-2 in the series, and thir Dusty Baker managed team botched it. Forget Steve Bartman. IS he responsible for the eight (!) runs the Cubs gave up that inning. What about Alex Gonzalez? The no-hit good glove former Blue Jay heartthrob botched an easy grounder that would have gotten them out of the inning. The Cubs are not cursed, they're just bad.

2004 - Reverse the Curse. There were two eigth inning LCS collapses in 2003, the Cubs were one, the Red Sox were the other. The Red Sox learned from their mistake and fired Grady Little, (why was he managing in the first place?) The Cubs did nothing. well, they did nothing manager-wise at least. They did sign Greg Maddux, giving them an even fiercer rotation, (are you kidding me? A healthy Clement, Prior, Wood, Zambrano, and Maddux as your fifth starter?), and the Cubs didn't even make the play-offs, losing the Wild Card in the final week of the season. Look, Dusty Baker, I don't hate you. I think you're a pretty good guy. It's just...well, you should have won at least one of those years. Maybe all three. But you didn't, and I'm just going by the numbers.

As for those Red Sox, with Terry Francona replacing the still unexplainable Grady Little, and having added Idiots! to their book of catchprases, (which still contained 2003's Cowboy Up!), at least Cubs fans slept easy knowing that the AL's Cubs fell behind 3-0 to the Yankees...and then won eight games in a row. Two of the Red Sox post-season heroes are Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkiewicz, acquired in a four team trade with the...Cubs. But hey, the Cubs did get 105 glorious games out of a season and a half from Nomar!

Sorry Cubs fans, you're now the most cursed team of them all. Although, you do still have the cross-town White Sox, who haven't won the World Series since 1917.

2005 - Okay, you don't have that either. The White Sox, who are acknowledged by almost everyone to be Chicago's second most popular team, delight Bernie Mac, Steve Perry, and perhaps some other people by winning the World Series. The Cubs finish under .500. I watched the Yankees beat the Cubs at Yankee Stadium on Father's Day. The Yankees, who had been struggling all year, realize that beating the Cubs is just what they need to turn their season around. They sweep the series. And it's not even close. The Cubs looked terrible, especially their centre fielder Corey Patterson. The guys behind me were giving it to him the emtire game.

2006 - St Louis Cardinals win the World Series. The St Louis Cardinals biggest rival? Why that would be the Chicago Cubs, of course! In a year where five teams come out of the gate strong, the National League Central is won by the Cardinals, winner of a platry 83 games. teh Cubs had 88 wins in 2004, the year they didn't make it to the World Series. Who was the National League's representative that year, who didn't manage to win a single game? Oh yeah. The Cardinals, who lost the World Series two years to the day that they won it in 2006. Oh, and just for curiosity's sake, who finished last in the NL Central? That's right, The Chcago Cubs, behind even the perennial losers the Pittsburgh Pirates. Oh, and Corey patterson turns in a great season with Baltimore. Sigh!

So the Cubs will go forward in 2007, having finally fired Dusty Baker in favor of Lou Pinella, (a good move? Time will tell), and amid rumours of acquiring Alex Rodriguez to replace Aramis Ramirez. Total World Series, heck, forget wins, appearances for A-Rod, considered one of the best players in the game: zero. Hey, the Cubs should pick up A-Rod, as he'd be a perfect fit on the team! They haven't had a star that big since Sammy Sosa, and looked at how revered he is!

Message to the Cubs: You must have really pissed off that guy with a goat.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #52 Andrea Bendewald

Why not complete the Suddenly Susan trifecta? I never did like that Maddy Piper anyways. She was always scheming behind Susan's back, trying to get the next big story. Who would ever work that hard to impress Judd Nelson, anyways?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #53 Kathy Griffin

To the surprise of nobody...here's Brooke Shields' co-star in Suddenly Susan, and surprise, the first redhead to make the list! Of course, kathy Griffin is unsexy for many reasons, and the redheadedness is not even a factor. She's unsexy for Suddenly Susan, of course, but more for this:

What are the most entertaining shows of the past ten years? You might include:

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Seinfeld
The Simpsons
Sex and The City
Mad About You
Ellen
Caroline in The City
Ned and Stacey
Dr Katz: Professional Therapist
Whose Line is it Anyway? (the crappy American version, but still...)
Mad TV
America's Funniest Home Videos
Crank Yankers
VH1/Vogue Fashion Awards (you know, for Zoolander)
The Weakest Link, (goodbye!)
Rock and Roll Jeopardy! (far greater than regular Jeopardy!)
Hollywood Squares
Game Show Marathon
The Mole (It had its moments!)
Celebrity Poker Showdown, (hey, it's the best of all the poker shows)
World Poker Tour (hey, it's the second best of all the poker shows)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last Call with Carson Daly
The View
The Rosie O'Donnell Show
The Howard Stern Radio Show
The Wayne Brady Show
The Sharon Osbourne Show
The Tyra Banks Show
The Anna Nicole Show
The Drew Carey Show
The Man Show
ER
The X-Files
Days of Our Lives

Kathy Griffin was in all of them! Look at that list, again. You've got Sitcoms, Improvisational Sitcoms, Sketch shows, Animated shows, shows with Muppets, Game Shows, Reality shows, (of course), Talk Shows, Dramas (!), home video shows, soap operas, you name it, and Kathy Griffin has been it. Alll of those programs, and sure some of them are stupid, but a lot of them aren't...have featured Kathy Griffin. Where has she found the time? And most important, why??? She's not that funny!

Oh, and let's not forget a million award shows, the movie Pulp Fiction, and perhaps the greatest acheivement of all, a role in It's Pat: The Movie. Or maybe a role in Beethoven's 5th. They were both cinematic acheivements.

Seriously, Kathy Griffin has done all of that? I guess you don't need talent, looks, charm or even humour to be famous.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #54 Brooke Shields

For some reason, Thomas Mapother, (ahem...the third) has exerted a great deal of influence on this list. In fact, the last person on this list was his wife, and now I bring to you his rival, the babbling Brooke Shields.

Now I really hope that she does not read this list, and get another case of post-partum depression. However, Brooke, you didn't make this list because of your addiction to prescription drugs, or your feud with Tom Cruise. A chick who pops Paxil like it's candy and refutes the claims of Scientologists, (while having a baby at the same time), is a-ok in my books. However, there are a few unsexy inexcusabilities that Brooke could not be shielded from.

- Her eyebrows. They deserve a spot of their own. Two, actually.

- That Calvin Klein ad she made when she was, like, seven. All these years later and it's still creepy. You know what I find sexy about that ad? Nothing.

- Hooking up with that dorky blond guy on the blue lagoon. Sure they were the only people around for miles, but he still somehow managed to get between Brooke and her Calvins. Also, there were too many scenes of Brooke swimming with hair covering her chest. Just make her wear a deserted shirt or something. More like pue lagoon.

-My unexpected bias against tall actresses. Brooke's six feet!

- Andre Agassi.

- The fact that Andre Agassi dumped her for noted looker Steffi Graf. No love!

-Her guest-starring role on Quantum Leap. On one of my favorite shows of all time, Brooke was on my least favorite episode. I wish I could go back in time and erase the memory of 'The Leaping of the Shrew' from my memory.

- The fact that Brooke's been acting for years, but has never topped on the success she had when she was ten.

- That 70s Show. Sure, it's a fine program, but her role as Donna's stepmother would have been much more clever if she was played by Farrah Fawcett. And yes, I realize what a loser I am.

- Again, her eyebrows. How truly heinous were the eighties that the bushy look was considered to be the height of hotness? Those things looked like wet mops.

-Her greatest atrocity of all, but I am sure you know what I am talking about. I really feel as though the warning signs came at the beginning. The show's original theme song, and yes, I know that there were two, the first one, sung by Shawn Colvin (!) started with the line 'no, I don't tell jokes'. Kind of a bad choice for a sitcom starring Brooke Shields. No wonder that one guy offed himself.

Look, I'm back in enemy territory, but let's just say this: The funniest thing on the show was either that guy who pronounced the name 'Todd' with a funny accent, or Judd Nelson trying (and failing) to look like he wasn't doing coke. Also, suddenly we were supposed to believe that four people worked at some trendy magazine, an editor, a photographer, a journalist, a rival journalist oh wait, I think one of them worked in the mail room...and wait, what the hell did everyone else do? They didn't even go to staff meetings. In fact, even the actual cast seemed like they just hung around the office trading 'quips'. Even Susan's nana seemed to do more at that magazine, whatever it was called! But of course, the greatest atrocity on that show wasn't that Brooke Shields' comic timing was as natural as the always guffawing audience. It was...I'll save that for my next entry. It will suddenly make sense why I made this a two-parter when you read that one.

R.I.P. Cory Lidle

What, I'm supposed to make a joke about this thing? Frankly I don't see any comic possibilities in the whole incident. It's just a time to take comfort in...oh, who am I kidding, here's a joke I just thought of, no punchline necessary:

What's Black and White and Red all over?


Too soon?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #56 and #55 Rachael Leigh Cook and Katie Holmes

Even though I have a bunch of TV channels, I end up watching the same things every night - horrible, horrible movies I would be much too embarrassed to rent. Wednesday night it was She's All That on TBS, and last night I watched First Daughter on TMN. So that makes two consecutive nights, with two consecutive horrible movies, (but, to be fair, I probably watched about twenty minutes of each 'film'), and two consecutive nights of wondering why I found both leading ladies to be so nnattractive, and also wondering to what happened to each of their careers. I also wondered what happened to my masculinity, as I watched She's All That and First Daughter on consecutive nights.

She's All That seemed very familiar, as it should, since it's the template for Not Another Teen Movie. This film really does feature the bland jock, (Freddie Prinze Jr. (!)), the blond asshole, (a pre-fame Paul Walker), the token black guy, (who knows), the bitchy ex-girlfriend, (Again, I don't know, but there seemed to be some weird sub-plot where she was dating Matthew Lilliard, who was pretending to be Puck from The Real World), annoying younger brother, (one of the Culkins, Rory, maybe?)and the helpful younger sister, (Anna Paquin, who apparently is no longer an Aussie). Also, the film's plot is ripped off by NATM, but itself rips off Pygmalion, Hello, Dolly, anad every other sroy involving turning an ugly girl into a pretty one. So on a bet Freddie transforms the ugliest girl at school into the prom queen. Along the way, she transforms from ugly duckling into a swan, they start to like each other, she finds out that it was a bet, some drama, they end up falling in love, the end. Sorry if I ruined it for you. But along the way, Rachael Leigh Cook looked much better as a long-haired bespectacled nerd than whatever they turned her into at the end. She's one of those weird people, along with Rachael Ray, (coincidence?), who manage to look both really fat and grossly skinny at the same time. Oh, and what happened top Rachael Leigh Cook's career. One minute there was She's All That and Josie and the Pussycats, and the next minute, well, have you heard from her lately? I guess that's she's not all that.

Oh, and Katie Holmes? The less said about First Daughter, the better. Sadly, this was the first (or is it second?) of two movies to feature the President's daughter going off to college and dating, with the other one starring fellow unhottie Mandy Moore. In this one, the president is noted soccer player Michael Keaton, and I wish that the movie featured a paper bag, because I am curious to see whether Katie Holmes could act her way out of one. She is all bug eyes and sheepish smiles. Strangely, I don't remember her being this clueless in Dawson's Creek, (or this unsexy), and I really wanted her to be this bad in that show. At least then I wouldn't feel as disgusted that a semi-attactive woman, (two if you count Micheele Williams), would go for guys as creepy as Dawson and that dork from the Mighty Ducks. And I don't mean Emilio Estevez. In First Daughter, Katie Holmes, (or as she calls herself now, 'Kate Holmes), really is the Last Daughter.

And what to say Katie Holmes' career in stark contrast to Rachael Leigh Cook's. Katie Holmes is probably more famous now than she ever was, but it's for all the wrong reasons. In truth, the last daughter I would want to be is Suri, because that means that my father would be psychiatric medicine hating Thomas Mapother, or as he is called in the industry, wrll, if you don't know by now, you should probably read some sort of magazine or something. Or at least my blog AND a magazine.

Sadly, tonight I didn't see a horrible movie, but, on the subject of the last topic, I did meet a girl who had never heard of Deal or No Deal. She was completely unfamiliar with the concept of the show entirely. Yet she very familiar with the show Prison Break. What's the Deal with that? Also, Howie Mandel mentioned that his daughter is over nineteen, and hopefully, she is stalkable. Although she will probably go on to star in some gawdawful movie and a creep like me will write about how she is unsexy. We can only hope. At least she'll be germ free.

Chinese Take me Out to the Ballgame

I've got another unsexy post on the way, but before I do that I just wanted to mention the baseball play-offs. Spefically, that I've been disappointed with the outcome of every game so far. It's a good thing that I didn't make my play-off picks this year, because so far in the first round, I would have picked Minnesota, San Diego and Los Angeles. The only series that I picked the winner was the Yankees, and it's not like I'm happy that they won. Still, it's not like the series' are over yet, and especially in Oakland's case, they've been here before, up 2-0 and losing.

Before it stale-dates, I just wanted to mention the starting pitching match-up of yesterday's Mets-Yankees game. It was Derek Lowe versus John Maine. Did anybody else notice that it's the Chinese Take-out match?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #57 Gwen Stefani

Hey Baby! There was no doubt that Gwen was going to be on this list. Though I'm writing on a Monday Night, and not Sunday Morning, I'm still confident that Gwen's probably not going to Hollaback, Girl, when she reads this. Much more than Just a Girl, Gwen Stefani said It's My Life, and decided to kick those three creepy guys who hung out with her back to the curb. In effect, she was telling them "Don't Speak". Luckily for Gwen, her solo career has been Hella Good, so I'm sure she was probably thinking to herself What You Waiting For? So Let Me Blow Your Mind with a theory of mine. I suspect that Underneath It All, Gwen Stefani is a money hungry performer, willing to adapt to any genre that is currently popular. How else to explain her transition from Indian-dotted Ska-Punk princess, into aslangin' street tough R & B diva. Guest appearances on Snoop Dogg and Pharrell tracks? What about your dream to front a Madnessesque band? Oh Gwen, that's Tragic, Kingdom.

Personally, I would prefer Gwen Stefani if I spied her in webs, (Instant Star reference?), as she is really quite plain. She did some video where she didn't wear make-up in order to show just how cool she is, but sadly she looked much worse in that other videos in which she had pink hair. Ex-girlfriend, indeed. Even though Gwen may moved forward with her life, her husband Gavin remains completely stuck in the 1990s. Everything Zen? I don't think so.

So Gavin may no longer be in Bush, (snicker), but Gwen Stefani's career is so high as a solo artist. She can afford to buy her husband all kinds of luxurious purchases. Now when is she going to get around to breaking up with that English square and start dating someone like Xhibit or Chingy. Take a chance, you stupid ho.