Unsexiest Female Celebs - #58 Ellen DeGeneres

And now back to our business. Has it been that long since I last selected a female celeb as unsexy? Well, this should bring us right back, and with a twist! Ellen, I really don't care all that much that you are a lesbian. That still doesn't account for the fact that you are really not all that funny. Oh sure, your sitcom, (whoops, I mean talk show), may be good for a chuckle here and there, (look Ellen dances to black music like a white person! Hi-larious! She knows all the words to the Salt N' Pepa song Shoop! Man that's good stuff!)

Ultimately, her talk show seems just like an extension of Rosie O'Donnell's. Think about it. Unattactive white lesbian / comedienne strikes out in movies / sitcoms, decides to go talk route. Show is bland and inoffensive. Stars come out, and voila, a hit! One thing going for Ellen, At least she doesn't pretend to have a crush on Tom Cruise. What was up with that, Rosie? Sadly, white non-gay men haven't seemed to be able to replicate the formula. Donny Osmond? No Mormon. Danny Bonaduce? Dead Partidge. Tony Danza? Nobody wanted to hold him closer. Hey no, no eh. There's a time for love and time for livin', but no time for Tony's show. It's an Extravagaflopza! Also, Tony didn't do enough of what he does best, that is flipping go-karts, conducting interviews in character, buying Samantha a brassiere and fending off Mona's advances. And something to do with Jonathan.

But back to DeGeneres, (or as Pat Buchanan nicknamed her: Ellen DeGenerate, or as my parents much more cleverly nicknamed her: Ellen DeGenderless), she's been unsexy since long before she came out. Did anybody believe her romance with best friend Adam or any other relationship on her sitcom? I saw much more passion between Ellen and Joely Fisher or between her and that annoying actress that played Audrey. And certainly Ellen has done well for herself in her choice of partners, as Anne Heche was sort of hot before she became all weird, her other ex-girlfriend is cute too and Portia De Rossi is a smokin' hottie. So Ellen must be doin' somethin' right. And it's certainly not makin' me think she's in any way feminine, as that movie where she made out with the also gross Sharon Stone proved. Also, she's a comedienne, right, and future host of the Oscars, but you tell me one of her bits / jokes, any one at all. She's like a female Jerry Seinfeld, but without any of the memorable bits. That in itself is kind of unsexy. Number 58? I'm being DeGenerous!

Red is Best

Today I bought David Ortiz, Wily Mo Pena, Carlos Pena, and Julian Tavarez a bottle of sake. At least, I think it happened. I may have dreamt it.

Canadian Idol's Chad Doucette and Eva Avila are Dating, Headline Reads:

- Game, Doucette, Match

- Who Would Have Eva Seen This Coming?

- Chad's Hands Not Idol

- Is This Pairing Temporary or ForEva?

- Regardless of Final Vote, Eva faces problem of a Hanging Chad

- They Really Made That Relationship Their Own

- Eva Hits High Note, Low Note with Chad

- Chantal Kreviazuk Gives The New Couple Advice: Try Not To Be As Obnoxious as Raine and Me

- Chad Feasts on Eva's Blood

- Laid in Canada

- Doucetting the Record Straight

- Ryan Malcolm Realizes That He Missed The Boat With Gary Beals

- I Almost had a Heart AZack When I found Out

- Doucette Cops Avila

- Elena Juatco Reports on The Union, Yet Fails To Add Me on Facebook

- Tony Bennett Offers Chad Some Of His Viagra

- Eva And Chad Do It In The Style Of Melissa and Rex

- Boy, Was Ben Mulroney's Face Red When He Found Out. Wait, He Always Looks Like That

- Eva Says To Chad: That Was Your Best Performance So Far

- It Chad to be You

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #59 Juliette Lewis

Okay, so the last one may have been a little obscure, and I'm not talking about Jude. This one is well-known...but still kind of obscure. Why the heck is Juliette Lewis so famous? I can only name about five Juliette Lewis movies off the top of my head. There was Natural Born Killers, where Juliette and hemp-fueled Woody Harrelson shot everything that moved. This film inspired outrage over glorifying violence, though it didn't seem to harm the careers of controversy lovin' director Oliver, the Woodman, (cheers!), or, in an inspired bit of casting, the late Rodney Dangerfield (!) as Juliette Lewis' father. He may have got no respect, but it wasn't because of this film. It is hard to believe that the comic famous for lines like "A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!" could play such a horrible person.

Sadly, the other wacky casting choice was Juliette Lewis. I call the choice wacky because I find her kind of creepy without having to play a serial killer. She just seems kind of unhinged, but in a completely harmless, kind of whiny way. Also, didn't she star in a serial killer movie just like Natural Born Killers the year before, with her then-boyfriend Brad Pitt? I think it was called Kalifornia. Talk about typecasting! Also, dating Brad Pitt, that's kind of lame. I wonder if he was talking about Africa yet, or he was still focused on how he is so awesome? Also, Brad Pitt may be the most average looking guy in the world, but even he's a step up over the 'unconventional' Juliette Lewis.

I think that the role Juliette is best known for is being Owen Wilson's creepy wife, who was always having strange men over for S & M adventures. Oh, that wacky Juliette! Owen was so despondent, that he turned to skanky Dr. Meredith Grey from Seattle Grace for some rebound nookie. Meanwhile, Juliette invited Will Ferrell over for a MMF threesome. Now there's a nasty image. Despite Juliette finally playing to type in Old School, she was in the film, for what, like a minute? Hell, my old classmate and Cyrano de Bergerac director Patrick Adams had a bigger part in Old School, and he didn't even really have a role or a name!

I guess that Juliette may also be famous for her role in fellow hottie Melissa Etheridge's music video, for some song I can't remember, playing, (what else?) a crazy person. I guess the song was "Come to my Window", but who the hell cares? Also, Juliette for some reason was cast in a movie where she was the 'normal' one, alongside an equally miscast 'normal' Johnny Depp, in that movie where Depp has a retarded Leonardo DiCaprio for a brother and a five hundred pound Momma. I still thought the mother was hotter than Juliette. What's eating me?

I think that Juliette was in another movie where she was the retarded one, but alas, it came out way too late for me to care, and that's a feat in itself. I know the names of way too many movies based on their crappy plot. A movie where a blind Agent Mulder falls in love with Minnie Driver for some reason: At First Sight. A film in which Christian Slater has a baboon heart or something and falls in love with Marisa Tomei: Untamed Heart. A film in which Juliette Lewis is retarded and falls in love with...I feel like it was Blossom's alcoholic brother, and some Savage Garden song was in the previews, (see, that I remember!): I have no idea. Can anybody solve this puzzler?

Juliette was also in Strange Days, which is about the futuristic year 1999. I remember seeing this film on video when it came out, and can recall absolutely nothing about it except for the fact that the future is dirty, nobody parties like it's 1999, Ralph Fiennes is in it, (which seemed a big deal at the time, since he'd only been in prestige films, not crap like this), and I was sad that in a post-apocalypltic future Juliette Lewis was considered attractive enough to be spared. Also, the film became instantly dated, due to Y2K being a complete bust, while Demolition Man remains a true harbinger of future events. I'm still anticipating Taco Bell becoming the only restaurant in the entire world. Fuck Yeah!

Oh, but Juliette has acted in so much more, at least according to imdb. I completely forgot that she was the daughter in Cape Fear, and Robert De Niro was the psychopath, schyeah right! Also, she was in the J-Lo smash hit Enough, (news to me!), and Bill Campbell was the psychopath in that one, schyeah right! and apparently Juliette was in an episode of *promo alert* Dharma and Greg, sadly during the show's 'less good' years.

Also, she's been in...well, that's really about it. I am really surprised that for a woman as well-known as Juliette Lewis she really hasn't had a starring role for over ten years. No wonder she seems to have fallen out of acting and is concentrating on her music career, (she's in a band or something). I think they are called Juliette and the Licks. No thanks! But hey, I'm sure that in her band, she's the 'wacky' one onstage. Hey Juliette, you're really quite lucky, how many celebs can lay claim to being really creepy and unsexy in bith music and movies? Just you! And, I guess, Kelly Osbourne. But that's it!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #60 Cobie Smulders

I know what you're thinking. Cobie Smulders? Who, or what is that? Well, I'm glad that you thought that, (I hope). Cobie Smulders is an actress and model from Canada, ewho stars on that new show with Doogie Howser. I would like to say that I've seen it, though I'm not really sorry that I haven't.

While she's not exactly a household name, that's precisely the reason I thought of looking up Cobie Smulders in the first place. That name is kind of strange. It could be a man, woman, black, white, type of peanut butter, excuse, (sorry, I'd like to go out, but I have to stay home and Cobie Smulders), exotic pet, expression that a crazy person uses, (shouting out 'Cobie Smulders' at passerbys), pretty much anything.

So for a chick that rocks a name like Cobie Smulders, she better make up for it with her looks. Though sadly, looking at her pictures...she doesn't. Actress / model / whatever? Schya right!

Cobie Smulders! See, I'm a crazy person.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #61 Jessica Simpson

All in all, it has been quite a tough month for the elder Simpson sister. First her younger sister Ashlee finally gets a nose job and quite frankly, looks much less worse than she used to. Then there's her having to avoid Nick Lachey at all kinds of 'major' events, (Teen Choice Awards, MTV Video Music Awards), whilst Nick parades around with his new girlfriend, who apparently is some MTV VJ. Plus, Nick's ex-girlfriend is the star of Laguna Beach, some crappy MTV show. Geez, talk about keeping it in the family. Also, Nick may be at the height of his popularity, more than with his shitty boy band, more than on their reality show. That Axe Clik commercial brings together two of my least favorite things, (Nick Lachey and Axe), and yet I find the commercial to be excellent. Also, his solo career might be taking off, but even if it doesn't, we're still talking about Nick Lachey.

So what's Jessica got going for her? Well, her new song "A Public Affair" sounds just like "Holiday", and in the video she looks kind of terrible. What's worse, is that she is upstaged by Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate, and (sigh!) Andy Dick. Just kind of sad. Oh, and let's see, aside from avoiding Nick Lachey, (I thought that their love was forever, and now they can't even be in the same room as each other?) Jessica has to shoot down rumors of going out with her co-star Dane Cook, a dork who somebody must have decided was funny, because I sure don't. Interestingly enough, while still with Nick, Jessica had to shoot down rumors that she was going out with her co-star Johnny Knoxville, a dork who somebody must have decided was funny. Then there's her latest rumored romance, with of all people, John Mayer. Aside from possibly creating the grossest children alive, with giant heads and boobs, (where were ya on that one, Conan?), I heard that John Mayer dumped Jessica because she was using him for publicity.

Ugly ass kids aside, I figured that 'Johnssica' would have a promising future together due to their parallel lives. In the John Mayer song 'Daughters', sensitive white boy Mayer urges fathers to be good to their daughters, even though John Mayer's sole purpose in life is to write charming ballads that trick women into sleeping with John Mayer, despite his lack of physical attractiveness. In the same vein, Jessica was complimented on her big boobs, by of all people, her father, svengali Joe Simpson. Ick.

So now all that Jessica has is some movie with Dane Cook where they work at Costco, another crappy album, the shame of being dumped by John Mayer, and her 'looks'. Though she was kind of weird looking to begin with, Jessica Simpson seems to be wandering ever closer to nasty cougar territory. Think about it. She's already been married and divorced and is soon to be a has-been at, what, twenty-six? As far as I can see it, all that's left for Jessica is Vegas, porn, Dollywood, or some sort of career as a self-mocking celebrity a la (sigh!) Andy Dick. A public affair? Hopefully Jessica will remain in public long to stay in people's affairs.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #62 Hillary Clinton / Condoleezza Rice

No matter what side of the American political spectrum you find yourself on, (I am a moderate, according to facebook), it is easy to agree that Condi and Hills are not exactly what you would call sexy. Hillary looked kind of sexy in a bookish way before her makeover, but now she just looks like a Stepford politician. I'm just going to ease inta Condoleezza. Even though she's an accomplished pianist and speaks five languages, there is something too polished about that exterior. What is behind that always unruffled appearance? Besides, what kind of nickname is Condi, especially for Condoleezza. Shouldn't she be called Condo? Make you own joke here.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #63 Trish Stratus

Boy, where have I been lately? I assure you all that this series is alive and well, and will wrap up whilst everyone is alive and well enough to enjoy it. Envoy!

About a lifetime ago, I worked at the C.N.E. (did it really just wrap up on Monday?) Though I did not have time to blog, (except once), I still thought of future entries in my downtime of being a carnie. Funnily enough, one of the female celebs who was going to appear on my list happened to show up at the C.N.E. Guess what? Seeing her in real life didn't make me any less obliged to place her on this list.

For those of you who have never seen her before, Trish Stratus is a female wrestler. She doesn't just stand around and look pretty, but she's an actual brawler. This was fairly evident by the bruises I saw on her arms, which apparently are glossed over for television. However, it was the bruises that I did not see that earn her a spot on this list, for Trish Stratus has freakishly oversized boobs that someone must find attractive, because I sure don't. Oh, Trish also has faux blonde hair, caked-on make-up, is really kind of short, smelled of gross perfume and blinded me with her orange skin. In short, she's 1. 2. 3. Unsexy. In fact, all female wrestlers seem to be. There must be a demand for this 'look', or maybe the wrestling demographic does not care either way. Just because the wrestling is fake, that doesn't mean that the women have to be as well.