A partial list of UnsEXy things

- Mean people
- Cigarettes
- Cigarillos
- Mullets (often seen traveling in pairs)
- Shaggy hair on boys (is that making a comeback?)
- Big huge arm tattoos
- Little elaborate tattoos
- Cool Asians
- Nerdy Asians
- Families that travel in packs of sixteen
- Those baeards that are just like little thin lines
- A surprising amount of Jays hats. That is one ugly logo.
- Yankees hats. Yankees anything. As my brother said today upon returning from England, "The Yankess are a brand". Apparently Yankess stuff is popular there too.
- Stickers on hats. I don't give a shit whether your hat is authentic or not.
- Oh, and if you are going to keep the brim flat, at least keep it shielded over your eyes, rather than backwards to the side. Otherwise, what's the point?
- Those stupid black hats with the outline of a logo. why even bother with a logo in the first place is nobody is going to see it?
- Hats featuring every team in a league, or worse, the logo of the league. I remember that Fat Joe sported an 'NBA' cap in the video for "What's Luv?" a few years back, and it made me laugh. At least it made me appreciate Fat Joe.
- I did see this one hat I really liked. It had all of the Cleveland Indians logo from over the years, all around the cap, and then said Indians on the front. I was impressed, and would like to see this for teams other than the Indians.
- Polo shirts with the collars popped. why do we all suddenly want to look like James Spader in Pretty in Pink? I always thought that poppin' your collar with a pink shirt meant that it was a signal that you were available for male attention, or at least would consider it. Just because Three 6 Mafia does something, that doesn't mean that the rest of us should do it as well.
- I kind of feel bad for thse kids becuase they probably can't afford any better, but those generic Toronto basketball jerseys that vaguely match the color scheme, but don't say 'Raptors' anywhere, and just feature the number 4 and not Chris Bosh's last name. I figure either spring for the real jersey or just make one yourself!
- Jerseys of a player who is no longer on the team, such a Vince Carter jerseys from the same Toronto Raptors. Unless that player is retired, or they are returing to their former stadium for the first time that night, if you are wearing this jersey you end up either looking woefulyl behind the times, or just cheap.
- Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant jerseys. I figure that AI's time has passed, and a Kobe jersey just invites thoughts of Colorado. Also, retro jerseys with current players is kind of lame. They seem to be selling a lot of those retro Lakers jerseys with Kobe's number 8, but if you found a real Minneapolis Laker player, I would be much more impressed. The best basketball jersey I've seen is a New Orleans Jazz jersey with Pistol Pete Maravich on the back. It was probably stitched in 2003, but it still looked really, really good.
- In fact, if you have any jersey that you really have to think about the player having only seen the front and the number, I would say that it's successful. Steve Nash jerseys? Boring. That goes double for Nash Mavericks jerseys.
- What is with those Mecca jerseys? They look Wal-Martish
- I'm not really a fan on Enyce clothing either, especially on white guys.
- For girls, booty shorts and giant hoop earrings are still kind of nasty looking, and probably always will be.
- Girls should probably also reconsider bad dye jobs, those piercings that are off-center between the nose and lips, hair extensions, shirts that say 'Princess', (especially if you are thirty-five!), overplucked eyebrows, giant aviator sunglasses if you are not a licensed aviator, (those weren't even hot two years ago), Tattoos that are people's names, (why?), body glitter, three inch heels, (or pretty much any sort of heels), fake eyelashes and any sort of perfume that lingers long after you have walked away. Also, pink cellphones. I get it, you're a girl and use a cellphone. You don't need to emphasize that fact.
- You know what is sexy on women? Burkas.
- I don't get those little white clumps of hair that Sikh / Hindu children wear. I am all for headscarves, turbans, beards, any other sort of religious covering, but why only cover some of the hair and not all? It makes no sense to me.
- Underwear as outerwear.
- The combination of low-slung jeans and a big ol' belly.
- Neck tattoos
- People who walk as if they don't care who is watching them, but really, really care who is watching them.
- Loudly swearing in front of children. Let the kids learn swearing on their own.
- Groups of three or more guys all wearing basically the same outfit.
- Wacros.

Dharmageddon

So I got this Dharma and Greg Season One DVD in the mail. And I gotta say, it's really a wonderful show. The episode where Dharma and Greg want to have public sex while everyone else is watching the last episdoe of Seinfeld, is to me a classic episode. Remarks Greg and others: "Oh, that Kramer!" I have already said my piece about Jenna Elfman, but in retrospect, especialyl after tonight's episode of Criminal Minds, I realized that Thomas Gibson is the real star of the show. Plus, L.A. Law's Alan Rachins is hilarious as Dharma's burned-out hippie father. All this, and the phrase 'duck block'. I would have to say that Season One of Dharma and Greg is worth every penny. What took you so long?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #64 Macy Gray

Id like to clarify my selection process. Sometimes, my order is not determined solely by unsexiness. Sometimes, there are minor celebrities that I would like to include on the list, but they are so minor that they do not even qualify. You see, it is the 'celebrity' designation that they fail, not the unsexy.

Macy Gray sort of fits in with this group. I try to think of another one of her hit songs. There was that Sexual Revolution song a few years ago, (ewwww), and well, that's about it. Basically, she had one left field hit about six years ago, and that's the extent of her celebritiness. Oh wait, there was also the dress she wore to the MTV Music Video Awards in September of 2001. That was the real tragedy. And, like I've said before, I'm not gonna find the picture for you. That's what google / yahoo is for. I believe that it was the same awards where an in-depth discussion was started about her bush. Maybe there are those who like her hair, but I think that it is as nasty as the rest of her. I would do more than try to walk away. I would run.

But still, is this enough to qualify Macy Gray as a celebrity? Well, she was in a commerical for Motorola with Madonna, ?uestlove, Iggy Pop and an actor playing the Notorious B.I.G. So that's something. Also, I just found out that she is trying her luck in movies, like the long delayed Idlewild. oh, and she had a completely inconsequential role in Scary Movie 3, (even by Scary Movie 3 standards). Plus, for some reason, she has a high recognition factor.

So therefore, as the unsexiness was never a question, (her looks, her voice, everything about Macy Gray is gross), I deem her fit to be considered a celebrity. Thus, she is my #64. Just think, if her second album had made it, (and don't give me the September 11th theory, as Jay-Z's The Blueprint, released around the same time, was a huge success), Macy Gray would have probably made it into the top 25. Alas, she will probably never make it into any format's top 25, but still somehow qualifies as a celebrity. We try to say goodbye to Macy Gray, and we choke.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #65 Uma Thurman

Let's be cool and get her over with now, and kill the suspense. Some fun facts (and opinions) about Uma Thurman.

- Even she thinks she's unsexy: "Tall, sandy blonde, with sort of blue eyes, skinny in places, fat in others. An average gal."

- Her dad, Robert Thurman teaches Buddhist philosophy, thus her strange name. He was also the inspiration for the highly overrated film I heart Huckabees

- Some people do seem to find her sexy: my Dad, Quentin Tarantino, the talentless Ethan Hawke, Gary Oldman, some hotel guy, Bill, whoever thought My Super-Ex Girfriend had a chance in hell of making any money, Henry Miller, Quentin Tarantino a second time, Maxim, FHM, Empire, big and tall dress stores, (I can imagine), and Quentin Tarantino yet again.

- Uma is what is known as a 'butter face'

- David Letterman introduced Uma to Oprah at the Oscars, (as did I, on this list). Letterman later introduced Oprah and Uma to Keanu, but I'm sure that Uma and Keanu already knew each other, having both starred in Even Cowgirls get the Blues. Oprah, I hear that Oprah later gave her a picture of herself.

- Uma replaced Nicole Kidman in the movie version of The Producers, which makes sense as her character's name is 'Ulla'. Still, I would have preferred to see Cady Huffman play the movie Ulla. Maybe her pro-Bush views cost her the role.

- The truth about Cats and Dogs? At the time, I thought that Janeane Garafalo was much better-looking. Now? A draw, or maybe Uma. Janeane Garafalo did not age well. Still, if they were to remake the movie, Ben Chaplin would be lucky to get either one of them. Whatever happened to that guy? I want the truth.

- The Kill Bills were quite entertaining, but seemed a little too foot fetishy for me. Wiggle your toes? Sorry QT, you should keep it hush hush.

- Also, the Fox Force Five: Uma, Vivaca A. Fox, Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, and Michael Madsen? Ummm, I think that I'll take Madsen. Or whoever played Sofie Fatale. The one that Quentin was rumored to have a secret affair with. She was hotter than all of them, even with her arm chopped off.

- The movie where Uma was blind was hella funny. Too bad it wasn't a comedy.

- I wonder if Ethan Hawke cheated on Uma because he felt emasculated with Uma being taller than him. I imagine that this is how Tom Cruise also felt with Nicole Kidman, but rather than cheat on her, he took the graceful route and broke it off with her a month before their ten year anniversary. Oh, and he became a crazy person.

- In 1988, two movies based on Les Liaisons Dangereuses came out. The role of Cecile, the young innocent was played by the eighteen year old Uma in Dangerous Liasons. Who played that role in Valmont? The fourteen year old Fairuza Balk. Yikes. I would rather take Uma. Fairuza Balk would have definitely made the list, but she is not really famous enough.

- That Prime movie looked really creepy.

- I can imagine that in Hollywood, which is filled with short leading men, there is a conspiracy going to prevent Uma from getting nominated for an Academy Award after losing for Pulp Fiction. I imagine that this has something to with these short men not wanting to sit behind her at the awards, and being unable to see the stage. This theory explains why Uma didn't win her deserved best actress Oscar for playing Emma Peel in the movie version of The Avengers.

- In the movie Gattaca, Uma met somebody very important. No, not Ethan Hawke. The important person was actress Una Damon. I can just imagine. Uma...Una. Una...Uma. Take that, Letterman.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #66 The Woman in the Ashley Madison Commercials

If I was considering cheating on my spouse, constantly seeing the big-headed buck-teeth woman from the tv ad certainly would have me reconsider. After all, what if everybody that you found on the website looked like her?

You know what? It's probably like 98% guys anyways. Single guys, at that. Can somebody find this out for me? It's affair request.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #67 Sandra Oh

Oh no you didn't!

Oh yes I did!

I wouldn't even give her a Sideways glance. I don't want to explore any part of her Grey's Anatomy. I'm not missin' 'er, even at night. Um, something involving the show Arli$$, reconstituted to sound kind of pervy.

Oh yeah!