Unsexiest Female Celebs - #68 Claire Danes

My so-called blog post this evening was a long time in the making. I've been trying to be all inclusive as to the unsexy women - Canadians, Europeans, Americans, and then I realized that I was forgetting somebody - Danes! Keeping with this internatioanl flavour, this post is in part dedicated to Claire Danes' Aussie ex-boyfriend Ben Lee. His new song is catchy, but boy, is he one weird looking dude. Ig guess that's why he became a musician at such a young age.

But Clairly, this series, (hopefully not short-lived) is about the ladies, not the fellas. And this lady certainly represents the standard of unsexiness. Ever wonder who turned Rickie gay? Or Jared Leto, (briefly?) Now you know. I certainly wouldn't have chased after Claire Danes. I can only assume that Brian was on Krakow.

Now, if I judged Claire Danes' sexiness only on the merits of her cult TV show, this blog would probably cost me about 25 to life. So let's just say that her weirdlookingness, (yeah, that's a word) extended into her adulthood. Sadly, looking through her filmography, I realized that I haven't seen a single one of her movies since The Rainmaker, (not even on The Movie Network). Damn. But I have one more source in which to render this actress unsexy. And that source is Baz Luhrmann's semi-enjoyable Romeo + Juliet. It was okay I guess, but Clairly no Moulin Rouge! (yeah, I made the same joke twice, whatever! Also, what's with Luhrmann's overuse of punctuation?????????)

From what Shakespeare has taught me, Juliet is supposed to be gorgeous. Olivia Hussey in the Zeffirelli movie had it down. But Danes? She looked average at best. Certainly not worth killing yourself or others over, perhaps not even maiming self or others for. In fact, I found Leonardo DiCaprio to be better lookin' in that movie, and I in no way shape or form find Leo to be attractive. So he really was fortune's fool. C'mon, Romeo on Student Bodies got better looking chicks than Claire Danes! Now Romeo Carter, there was a sexy man. Wherefore art thou, the actor who played Romeo Carter?

Oh, and if you think Claire Danes was too young in that movie to yet be considered sexy, it is based on a Shakespeare play. So it's definitely okay + necessary to have judged Claire Danes based solely on that film. I hoped that this is suitable Clarfication. For never was there a tale of more woe, than this of Claire Danes and I gotta go.

N Sync's Lance Bass comes out

Now I realize why he wanted to go to space - it was to get to Uranus.

It's funny that he came out as gay. I always thought he was bi bi bi.

He came out Justin time to steal the thunder from his ex-bandmate.

They did always stick Lance in the back of the N Sync videos.

Now, did he figure out he was gay right away, or did he have to Lancealot?

Wait, you mean all there were people around who thought he wasn't gay?

This gives hope to seeing a sequel to On the Line called On the Manline.

Wonder if he told Nelly about this. Rather than Nelly guesting in Girlfriend, Lance could have dueted on Batter up. Now batting in front of Lance Bass...

Your move, Joey Fatone.

What really surprised me the most about this: seeing Lance Bass alone on the cover of a magazine. Enjoy it while you can, Lance! Pretty soon it will be gone.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #69 The Spice Girls

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. Somebody to explain to me how five English birds can come out of nowhere, (the poor part of England that nobody ever wants to talk about), and just become the biggest entity ever. Millions of albums sold, music videos, that ridiculous 'Stop' dance, trading cards, breakfast cereals, dolls, t-shirts, concerts, that SNL appearance where they used their own voices instead of lip-synching and sounded horrible, (hello Ashlee Simpson!), the uncanny ability to record catchy pop songs, and of course, Spice World the movie, (which I saw opening day in the theatre, completely inexcusable, but in my defense I was plastered). It all came together so quickly, and they seemed poised to stay top forever, (Viva Forever?) Then Ginger left the group, they had one lame album, and that was all she wrote. Too much of something, or not enough?

Of course, this rags to riches to rags story is written countless times throughout music history. The difference in this story is that though they are all still alive and well, (except for Posh, more on that later), and could still achieve success as solo artists. The problem is that for all the post-Spice Girls singles, not a single one has been even remotely as popular as Wannabe, or even Say You'll be There. The closest any one of them has ever come to a single is a damn cover, Ginger's remarkably superfluous version of 'It's Raining Men'. Of course, it's not uncommon for a group to break up and have limited success in the solo vein, for a group to be that big and to have so little post-group success is astounding.

But ultimately, the single greatest aspect of the Spice Girls legacy that I just cannot fathom is just how unsexy each one of them really is / was. Let's face it, they were five young, fit girls from England. Though their 'music' was targeted towards teenage girls, without pervy old men they never would have zigazigahhed even once. They used their sexy image to their advantage, wearing hoochie outfits and skanky make-up as part of the teen-pop craze, (which is now called 'emo'). For all of this posturing, the sexy moves cleverly disguised as 'girl power', there was very little cream on these English tarts. They were all sugar, and no spice.

Let's start with Baby Spice. She was cute, maybe, if you squinted hard enough, but she was also named 'Baby Spice'. Once they put her (fake) blonde hair into pigtails, it was all over. Even pervy old men weren't that pervy.

Then you had Scary Spice. She sure was scary. The tongue ring, the 'devil horned' hair, the strange accent, and the curly afro, and the over the top even for them leopard catsuit, better suited Scary Spice to be 'the quirky one'.

Next there was Sporty Spice. She was the one group member who could actually sing. Therefore, you knew she would be the ugly one, (see Club 7, S). The barbed wire tattoo and nose ring didn't help matters, and 'sporty' can easily be misconstrued as 'lesbian'. Hands up if you find the Indigo Girls sexy. I thought so.

The most famous Spice Girl, then and now, had to be Posh Spice. I love how every song gave Posh one line, and then she went back to pretending to sing the chorus. She really did not know how to sing. Yet she was the most famous. Why? Because she's a damn groupie. David Beckham must do something important, because the English tabloids wouldn't be focusing this obsessively on Posh and Craig David, (whatever happened to him?) If you held a gun to my head in 1997 and asked me to pick the sexiest spice girl, it would be Posh in a walk. However, she's now a bag of bones with aviator sunglasses on, the British Nicole Richie, and only sexy in that museum of Egyptology sort of way. So now if you asked me to pick the sexiest Spice Girl, I would have to say the one they kicked out of the group. No, I don't mean the famous one they kicked out of the group, I mean the one they kicked out at the beginning because she didn't 'gel' with the other girls. And I say that she's the sexiest in part because I have no idea what she looks like, and because she's not a has-been at thirty. She's a never-was, which is far sexier. This is why Pete Best is a bigger icon than Ringo Starr.

But oh, what the famous Spice Girl that got away. This is of course, Ginger Spice, or Sexy Spice as she was called until she objected on the grounds that she's not sexy. Ginger, you epitomize everything trashy about the Spice Girls. From those nude photos that came out, where we discovered that, hey, you're not Ginger Spice after all, to being named a United Nations goodwill ambassador, to her Union Jack outfits and flashing peace signs, Ginger seemed to be the only Spice Girl to be 'in the know'. She was the only one to wink at the camera in the Olde English style of Benny Hill or Monty Python. She's probably the only one who could have been a solo star, but she left the group too early to capitalize. Of course, once the Spice Rack lost Ginger, the rest just didn't taste the same. Perhaps if Ginger hadn't unveiled her new body, completely free of curves and gasp! blonde hair! in the video that ripped off Flashdance, she might have had a chance. I believe that Ginger without boobs spilling out of her gaudy outfit and red hair is essentially Baby Spice. Had she stayed Ginger, we would have loved her. After all, she was the survivor! Ultimately, I believe that Ginger got shoved aside by another quintessentially English woman with red hair, and America wasn't big enough for the both of them. Say it with me now: You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

Hasta Manana, Spice Girls. Even Ginger Spice, the one who could have been famous sans spice, wasn't sexy for a second. Five unsexy English lasses: Emma Bunton, Melanie Brown, Melanie Chisholm, Victoria Beckham and Geri Halliwell, for a few brief shining years, got to tell the colours of the world to spice up their lives. Hi Ci Ya Hold Tight.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #70 Joan Rivers

After all the disagreement with my last few choices, here's an unsexy female celeb that everyone can agree on! It's not just that she's old, irritating and clueless. Nor is it that she's totally hideous from any number of plastic surgeries. What really makes Joan Rivers unsexy is the fact that she turned her daughter Melissa onto fake journalism, 'what are you wearing' and hideously disfiguring plastic surgery. So now they look like carbon copies of each other. Thanks, Mom!

Can we talk about Joan Rivers? No, let's just move on! We've got many Rivers to cross. Not that I would ever cross her. Eh! Eh!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #72 and #71 Hilarys Duff and Swank

I will give you a million dollars, baby, if you can explain how the star of The Next Karate Kid and Beverly Hills 90210, (the sucky years) has two academy awards, for best not supporting actress, and the cover of Vanity fair this week. The vanity Fair cover can be explained by the fact that she went into detail about how Chad Lowe used to be a basehead, (how Lowe can that family get?) But as for the two academy awards, it's certainly not because she's pretty. The 'sexy' shots in vanity Fair were anything but. She looked better as a boy. That just makes me want to cry. I'd say more like Hilary Skank, but good luck with that. Think about it. Two best actress oscars, and I dare you to name another movie she's been in. Just one. Okay, there was one that was set in Alaska from Robin Williams' 'creepy' phase. I remember seeing that movie, and I think it cured my insomnia. Hoo-ah!

And as for you Ms. Duff, wake up! You lived a pretty good life marketing yourself as the anti-Britney, all sweet and bubblegum and wholesome, with your 'Stuff by Duff' clothing line, and your show on the Disney Channel which I know nothing about. But let's face it, Duffer, you're almost nineteen now. That cute as a button shtick might have worked at sixteen, but now you're at the age when I could ogle you and not feel sleazy about it. Besides, your boyfriend Joel, you know the dork from Good Charlotte who you pretended to be just friends with until you turned eighteen is two years older than I am. You're basically Fez and Lindsay Lohan, (why does it always come back to Fez), and my guess is that you're a skank underneath it all. And you're a fake blonde. And your less famous sister was in Napoleon Dynamite, while the best you've done was either Agent Cody Banks or Cheaper by the Dozen 2 . So yesterday you were the face of T-Mobile and tomorrow you'll be living in a mobile home wearing t-shirts. And your shitty music will no longer liked by twelve year old girls. I hope that your lips stay sealed.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #73 Rosario Dawson

You're not off the hook yet Mr Kevin Smith. For your latest film, you decided to sex it up, (as if Dante and Randal aren't sexy enough), by bringing in Rosario Dawson.

No offense to Miss Dawson, (yeah, right!), but personally, I found the transexual in Rent to be much sexier than her Mimi. I know that's not saying a lot coming from me, but okay...there's this subway ad for Clerks II which I tend to have seen a lot lately. In it, are the five principals from the film. And I gotta say that Rosario looks like a fifteen year old Mexican boy in it, who has one of those in-between haircuts and shave his mustache for the first time. I mean, if you are thinking of how good Kevin Smith looks in the poster, well, your eyes are definitely in the wrong place.

Besides, how is it sexing up a movie when you bring in an actress whose big break was describing how many ways she's been violated in Kids. Come to think of it, Kevin Smith's train of thought becomes a lot clearer when you think about it this way. Who else is a better fit for a sequel to a movie about snowballing and 37, than an actress who starred in possibly the only film of the era with filthier dialogue? This does not change the fact that Rosario Dawson has a really large head.

Huhhhh. Head.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #74 Shannon Elizabeth

Hmmm. Shannon Elizabeth. I wouldn't even do her at band camp.

maybe if she hadn't dropped her ethnic sounding last name, gotten breast implants, always looked like she has something weird going on with her eyes, and generally not be able to act at all, (oh, and not been from Texas), I might have liked her better.

But really, has her material been all good?

American Pie - C'mon, 'Nadia', the sexy foreign exchange student. Who's fooling who? I saw a lot of foreign exchange students at U of T, but none of them looked anything remotely like Nadia. They did have something funny about their eyes, though.

Scary Movie - Much as I like the Wayans brothers, and do like them a little, man, she couldn't really handle parody. I know that horror movie actresses are supposed to be bad, but she didn't really seem to be parodying bad, but just was bad. Scary.

That 70's Show - Oh, that 70s show! I just saw an episode tonight, (I blame my brother), where she played the mother of Kelso's child. I can't really remember what happened to this plotline. I think they just dropped it entirely . Ashton Kutcher with a woman his own age? Yeah right! Then the show resorted to stunt casting like having Wilmer's underage hottie girlfriend Lindsay play a girl who had a crush on Fez. That was so daring. Anyways, Shannon Elizabeth did this entire episode on the phone, i.e. away from the other actors probably because she was being filmed separately. Maybe she didn't 'gel' with the other actors, and this was a way to include her in the show without actually including her. Anyways, if you are being acted circles around by Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderamma, then that's a good sign that you're probably elizabeth inept at what you do. Shann, oh shann.

Tomcats - I saw this movie on The Movie Network one (late) night. It was of those pass the time movies. I still can't decide whether it's so bad as to be good, or if it was just godawful and I feel sorry for it. Anyways, this little piece of cinematic heaven featured an auto-pilot Jerry O'Connell, who in my opinion peaked with Stand By Me. Jerry was probably also a little bit sad that Sliders got cancelled, there never was a Joe's Apartment 2, and that Mariah Carey dumped ice on his lap. This movie features one of the most unsympathetic leading characters, played by Jake Busey. His character is supposed to be irritating, but I couldn't even tolerate a single minute that Lil' Busey was on screen. So why did I like this movie so much, (I think)? Simple. The gross jokes are fast and furious, (and comfortably predictable), and the interchanges between Jerry and Shannon Elizabeth, as his love interest, is so unbelievably awful as to be awesome. Shannon elizabeth is so wooden in this movie, she has to be seen to believed. Tomcats is also notable for featuring a seven year old named Dakota Fanning, who was already acting rings around Shannon Elizabeth. Dakota is still going strong at twelve, and Shannon Elizabeth seems to be fanning.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - Shannon Elizabeth looked like she was going to throw up every time she had to get close to Jason Mewes. I don't blame her. Still, anybody could have played Justice. And what was with the glasses? Clerks Part Deux had better be good, Kevin Smith. Great, now I'm the loser that he makes fun of in all of his movies. Ha-hoy!

Gee, Shannon Elizabeth seems to have a high profile for someone who hasn't really been in anything. I guess there's something to be said for all that stuff I made fun of her about in the beginning. Or maybe it's because she got naked a bunch of time early in her career. Yeah, that seems to be the one. I guess that's the Kevin Smith theory from American Pie all over again. Now...I have to...go...

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #75 Mauro / Maura Camoranesi

I couldn't be happier about Italy winning the World Cup. It's not that I care about soccer, far from it. In fact, I still can't figure out offsides, penalties and substitutions. For such a 'beautiful game', it sure is complicated.

No, the reason I'm happy that Italy won is that it was such a triumph for women. Though she's not very pretty, midfielder Maura Camoranesi played a full contact game, and still managed to keep her hair tied neatly in a ponytail. In fact, I'm surprised that more coverage wasn't devoted to this first, a woman playing in the World Cup finals. She brought joy to her country, and especially for Italy, such a masculine nation and...wait a second, Mauro, not Maura Camoranesi? THAT WAS A MAN?

Italia something, that was one girly haircut Mauro was sporting. At least number sixteen happens to be a good ball handler.

Gooooooaaallll!!!!!!!!!!!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #76 Oprah Winfrey

Even though I planned to save her for much later, (earlier?), with all the talk of her similarity to Star Jones. I guess that there aren't that many other famous fat black women in Hollywood. Mandisa? That Phat Girl from the movie Phat Girlz? Barry Bonds dressing in drag? Anyways, they're all nasty as well. While Oprah Winfrey isn't much of a 'looker', just think of all the great things Oprah has brought to the world:

1. Free cars. (taxes not included, of course)
2. The phrase "You go, girl"
3. Dr. Phil, or as I like to call him, Dad. (I wish!)
4. Tom Cruise's 'shark' moment.
5. O Magazine, now featuring on the cover...Oprah!
6. Stephen J. Towelie and A Million Little Fibers. And her talking minge.
7. A sole reason to watch The Late Show with David Letterman. Have you seen it lately? It's become The Lame Show with David Letterman. Yesssss!
8. That creepy interview with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, where she talked about being 'the teacher'. Ewwww. I didn't know that Tony Parker was a point guardener. Damn. I shoulda quit with the lead.
9. The invention of Oprah's Book Club, where middle-aged women could pretend to have read Life of Pi.
10. The final 'Stand Up and Win' question: "Oprah, what's up with her?" The answer, said by Dana Carvey as Jerry Seinfeld: "She's fat, she's thin, she's fat, she's thin, pick a body and stick with it!"
11. The mother of a teenage lesbian, who dealt with her daughter coming out by
'ignoring it'.
12. An all new exclusive with the cast of Will and Grace!
13. The least appealing swimsuit models ever.
14. A leading role in The Color Purple, of which I asked, why isn't it called The Color Black? Really, I said this.
15. The greatest reason to stay home during the day...after The Price is Right! of course.
16. The invention of Oprah's Classic Book Club, where middle-aged women could pretend to have read Anna Karenina.
17. The world's greatest jump hook. At least, she could if she tried.
18. Maya Angelou. At least, I think Oprah created her. She certainly perfected her.
19. That in no way creepy Michael Jackson special.
20. Her 'beef' with Texas beef farmers. You can't write that.
21. A whole lot of f'in cash.
22. The chance to get Steadman on the rebound.
23. Ellen: The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Can you say rip off?
24. Tears, the good kind.
25. The knowledge that if I just be myself, people will love me. That is, if I can lose twenty-five pounds and this blubber butt.

Forgive me for harping on the point, but I just thought of another famous fat black woman: Big Momma in Big Momma's House 2. You know what, I would still take her him over Oprah any day. You go, boy.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #77 Star Jones

Just think of how much better the view will be without Star.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #79 and #78 Ana Gasteyer and Amy Poehler

My 'sources' have been telling me that Lindsay Lohan, (who has just turned twenty), has a new friend in Madonna Ciccone, (who will turn eighty in August). I guess that since Madonna is happily married to that Snatch guy, she has to befriend young girls instead of seducing young boys. Now that Gwenny is so busy making Applesauce with the most talented man in the world, and Brit-Brit is all preggers again and married to the sexiest man in the world, she's left with the only slightly used up Lindsay Lohan. It's a real May-December friendship, but I'm sure Lindsay Lohan has done just as much nose candy as her new bff Madge.

I was tempted, really tempted to put Lindsay Lohan and her creepy new body on this list, but I just can't do that. It's not that she's all that sexy, I just wouldn't put her in the bottom hundred. After all, Fez seems to like her, and if Wilmer's a fan, then that's good enough for me. Besides, she's twenty years old. If she keeps getting hospitalized for 'exhaustion', banging Colin Farrell and dancing on tables when she's thirty, then I'll admit to horrible error in judgment.

Look at me, I'm being such a mean girl. Hey, look at that, that was LiLo's greatest movie, and perhaps one of the greatest films ever made. Seriously. From the time I saw it in the theatre with Conor, and an obvious closet case called us gay for going to see it, to the six or seven times I've watched it on TMN, Mean Girls has never failed to deliver the laughs. Be it "She doesn't even go here", or "I'm from Michigan" to "Nigga, please!" and "I have a fifth sense", to Tim Meadows' twin classics "I did not leave the south side for this!" and "I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee", the movie makes me laugh every single time. Seriously, Tim Meadows is funny?!? Why couldn't Tina Fey have been involved in The Ladies Man?

Also, the character of Damien is hilarious, and unlike this other guy I knew who was too gay to function, he wasn't such a tight ass, I mean...um...let's just move on.

"Oh my God, Danny Devito, I love your work!"

There. That's better.

Lest we forget, Mean Girls was the coming out party for the hottest young female star in Hollywood. No sillies, not Lindsay, but the queen bee herself, Rachel Mcwhatsherface. And Although the only performing she seems to do now is on Ryan Gosling's lap in public places, (thanks for the scoop, Sara), she still has a bright future in Hollywood, and will continue to be a big star. You can make a note of that in your book. That was lame. I just wanna die. Wait, what was I talking about again?

Noyeah! Rachel McAdams busted out in Mean Girls, (Lindsay Lohan had busted out, too). Great performances as well from the other plastics as well, (Party of four were all good), as well as Coach Carr, who I met at Food Depot, the Asian Mathlete, Kevin Gnapoor, Janitor from Scrubs, the Asian Mathlete, the girl with the wide set vagina and Tina Fey as well.

HOWEVER, the movie was marred by Ms. Fey bringing her friends on board. Of course, I'm talking about Ana Gasteyer and Amy Poehler. Let's deal with Ana first. I guess she did an okay job in Mean Girls as Lindsay's mother, despite the fact she looks nothing like her. I liked the way she delivered her line about the 'fertility vase of the Ndbelli tribe' and I also liked her parody of Celine Dion on SNL. Shana Twan! Yet despite being funny, she's just not sexy. Not even a little bit. She looks like she's ninety. And not in a good way. Just gross. I still find her funny, like in those singing skits with Will Ferrell, but she's just too unattractive not to make this list.

Amy Poehler has got almost the exact opposite problem. She was hilarious in Mean Girls, "You guys want anything, some snacks, a condom?", but perhaps this was because she played an old woman. She's not in real life. In fact, she's five years older than her 'daughter' Rachel McDonalds. Maybe it's because the overall quality of the show has dropped dramatically, but I don't find her the least bit funny on SNL. Yet there she is in almost every skit. And all she ever plays is variations on her one semi-funny character, the 'rocking one leg' one. And even that one got old. Almost all of her impressions sound the same, her 'Rick' skit with Horatio Sanz in a mullet was one of the worst to come along in a long time, but every other one she's in is almost as bad. At least Tina Fey does the news, the occasional fake ad and not much else, but Amy's in everything! And as for the aforementioned news, let's just say that I didn't realize how funny Jimmy Fallon was at the time. And that's saying a lot, as I still want to punch him.

I don't think that Amy Poehler has received one laugh on Weekend Update, and that's the one part of the show you can still count on to be somewhat consistently funny. Maybe it's something about her delivery, or that fact she uses her 'funny' voice too much, (kind of a 'jivey' thing), but every time she messes up the delivery of a joke, I tune right out. I would be the biggest fan in the world of a sketch comedy show that made me laugh, but I believe that without canning Amy Poehler,(and, truth be told, about eight to ten other cast members), SNL can never again reach the heights of 'adequate'. And for trying to be funny when she's not, Amy Poehler is unsexy. Plus, she kind of has a big hairline. Gawd, I really am a mean girl!