Unsexiest Female Celebs - #80 Madonna

I made it through the wilderness, and ended up at the (Kabbalah) temple of Madge, Esther, The Material Girl, Madge, and every other name bestowed upon this Lucky Star from Bay City, Michigan, (Bay City, Michigan?)

In the spirit of High Fidelity, here is my top five Madonna songs, in order of awesomeness. These songs are enjoyed entirely non-ironically, and if you have a problem with that, you can desperately seek another more trad blog. Here goes.

1. Like a Virgin.
2. Papa Don't Preach.
3. Borderline.
4. Dress You Up.
5. Material Girl.

The reason for these picks are very non-Madonna related, oddly. Like a Virgin is a classic, classic song. It's also a classic video, what with the tiger and the gondola. However, I also enjoyed Like a Surgeon by 'Weird Al' Yankovic, and the version of the song in Moulin Rouge! So let's just say that's ubiquitous. I don't as much enjoy Papa Don't Preach by Kelly Osbourne, (she's gross), so let's just say it's a classic song about an abortion. Oh, that Madonna's dad is Danny Aiello. Borderline is less familiar to me, but when that woman who couldn't speak English sang it on Superstar USA - classic. Dress You Up is of course for the Gap ad, and Material Girl, well, is for Sesame Street's classic parody Cereal Girl. So there you have it. All of these classic Madonna songs, (and trust me, I just wrote a free form list and though of the reasons why I liked the songs after), are at least fifteen years old. I also like their parodies. Yet for some reason, this makes the original songs much better. I was going to put Holiday as my 5a, but then I realized that I far prefer the Holiday Rap by MC Miker G and Deejay Sven. Go Bar Mitzvahs!

Now for the five worst Madonna songs, also free-form.

1. Ray of Light
2. Music
3. Frozen
4. American Life
5. Like a Prayer

Again, I was going to include a 5a as Hung Up, but let's give that a couple of years to get even more annoying. I hate Ray of Light. Hate it. I hate the video, which gives me Blair Witchesque motion sickness, I hate the song, I hate that she worked with William Orbit, who is some electronica hero or something. Ugh. It's more like Ray of Spite. The Music cover by Out of Your Mouth was pretty awful, but the original sucked pretty bad itself. Music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel. Whaaa??

Oh wait, what was that country song Madonna did? Don't Tell me, it's on the tip of my tongue. I hate that one, too. Frozen, more non-electonica non-sense. American Life, well, I just feel sad picking on that one, but it doesn't make it no less annoying. The one surprise, at number five, is Like a Prayer, the oldest song on this list, from the same album as Papa Don't Preach, which I love. I guess it just seemed a creepy prologue to her weird religious fanaticism. Is she Jewish, is she Catholic, is she English? Also, what was with her humping the Black Jesus statue? Creepy. That video gave me Like a Scare.

Look, I'm not a traditionalist all the time. My message here isn't old Madonna good, new Madonna bad, (though seriously, what's her better movie performance, Dick Tracy or Swept Away?) I think that some performers can age gracefully. Just not one who frenches Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, thus giving both of their careers the kiss of death. That shit was as least entertaining, but kind of gross. It was like watching somebody's slutty aunt playing truth or dare with the young'uns. Madonna was always kind of slutty in her early career, but now that she's old and married for good, it just seems kind of sad. Go on and live in England, Madge, but know that when they played your Hung Up song at the Dance Cave, nobody danced. And it's a Dance Cave. People don't just dance if they want to, they dance to songs about gay bars and nine year olds. And love 'em.

Chas Traps doesn't preach, Madonna, but you used to be slutty sexy. Your cone bras, and daring videos, I guess that they were sexy in their time. I was ten, and didn't really know what sexy was. My first timely Madonna video was that one where she cut herself in the bullfighter's bed. It wasn't hard to figure out that she was on the downswing then, and that was twelve years ago. Madonna, it's time that you hung up...your career. Strike a pose...of retirement. Express yourself...outta here!

Just basically, Madonna make any more songs or videos, or music. That way we can all thank our lucky stars and be touched by you for the very last time.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #81 Lani Billard

I don't care if she developed before our eyes on a Global scale. I'm still not ready to get Busy with the idea that Lani Billard is sexy. Period.

Eight ball, corner pocket. What would your mother say?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #82 Monica Seles

I know, I know. All she wanted to do was play tennis, not get judged for her looks, and here I am stabbing her in the back. Seles a new joke!

Seriously though, in recent years woman's tennis has become more and more of a beauty contest. Let's look, (please) at the still very popular Anna Kournikova, who never won anything, save for the affection of a now moleless Wilmer Valderamma. Wait, that's her boyfriend, right, Fez? If you think about, Anna Kournikova and Alex Rodriguez have quite a lot in common: popular Latino following, terrible under pressure, look good in lipstick, sex with a lot of men. That's right, I went there.

Oh yeah, Monica Seles. This former Hungarian / Yugoslavian, now American was never the glamourpuss to begin with, even after she helped her rival Steffi Graf defeat the evil Brooke Shields for the affections of the once-mulleted Andre Agassi. That's what happened, right? Maybe Monica should have considered wearing a Brooke Shield.

Okay, the real reason Monica Seles is unsexy is because she brought grunting back into the sport of tennis. Sure, it's all well and good when a hottie does it, but who wants to hear Rafael Nadal or the freaky deeky Williams sisters emit a guttural moan after every shot? It's a wonder people still fire balls into their court. By the way, Serena Williams and Brett Ratner. Yeah, that's my last stand.

Oh, and for those who think it's too soon to poke fun at Monica Seles, (whoops, there I go again), she appeared on an episode of The Nanny. So if she can 'joke' again, then so can I. Monica Seles on The Nanny I wonder how I managed to Dresch that one up.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #83 Nelly Furtado

Some people are starting to doubt that I will make it all the way to number one. Keep the faith! Like Jenna Elfman did.

Speaking of things that will not die....that new Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland song. I am not using spell check tonight, so look up the dang name of it yourselves! Needless to say, it features all the things I love in a song / music video. An obligatory cameo by Justin Timberlake! A sing-songy chorus! Beats that were probably jacked from other song! The line 'MVP like Steve Nash'! And most important to this list, a former singer who didn't use her sexy image to sell records, but decided to cash in and use her sexy image to sell records.

Whoa, Nelly. I'm not buying it. You weren't really that sexy to begin with, and just because you expose your navel and show off your post-baby body, I'm not gonna change my mind. I still want to fly away. That is a promise.

Still, this song has become the overplaed hit of the (early) summer, and similar to the band that recored that other summer song, Nelly Furtado makes this Charles Gnarl.
Does that make me crazy?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #84 Natalie Portman

Forgive me for Garden Stating the obvious, but Miss Portman is certainly revered in some circles. I believe that Portman love is the Revenge of those who shun the blonde haired big titted bubbleheads, then those who actually believe that Natalie Portman is a Beautiful Girl. It's not like I have a V for Vendetta against the Israeli-born Columbia-educated actress, so don't be giving me the cold shoulder. I just don't find her sexy. That scene in the movie Closer where she reveals herself to be a Plain Jane, while certainly enjoyable to watch knowing the subtext, doesn't really come off as sexy. Natalie Portman a seductress? Sorry, not buying it.

Then again, maybe I should be applauding Portman for being so choosy about her roles. After all, not a single one of her films is about muthafuckin' snakes on a muthafuckin' plane. That being said, she was really whiny in Garden State. I would not have come back for her. I probably would have kicked her in the shins.

Caring about Natalie Portman is creepy.