Unsexiest Female Celebs - #85 Audrey Tautou

Man, you can really come up with some fabulous DVDs in Chinatown! Even though I didn't pick up The Benchwarmers, United 93, or Brokeback Mountain, (though I would like to see somebody mash the three together, that would be sweet), I did pick up the March 3rd opening insta-classic Aquamarine, about a mermaid or something. It stars Joanna 'Jojo' Levesque, of whom I have no comment, as this blog is a public forum. Leave. Get Out.

What interested me about this excursion, though, is that I saw someone with a copy of The Da Vinci Code. Though I read the much overhyped Dan Brown book, (it was a satisfying read, ultimately), I haven't yet seen the movie, though I probably will at some point, (I figure if this last I watched The Ringer, The Animal and Armageddon, I'll probably find time). So Tom Hanks plays Robert Langdon, fine, whatever, who cares, even with his silly hair. But casting Audrey Tautou as Sophie Neveu? Sacre Bleu! There's probably a conspiracy at work here to cast the average Audrey as the sexy Sophie.

The book makes Sophie Neveu out to be a stunner. She's the one who sets Langdon in motion in the first place. Also, in a book so effusive in its praise of women, I figured that Ron Howard would search long and far to find a stunner. Instead, he went for an actress that can best be described as 'cute'. Not only cute, but Tautou went out of her way to discuss how critical she is of Hollywood blockbusters...and then goes on to star in the biggest Hollywood blockbuster of the year. I guess that she realized that crossing over into the mainstream would be easier to do in a Ron Howard movie than in Dirty Pretty Things, (I do like the title though).

So that's the Audrey I know. Small. Cute. Whimsical. And totally unsexy. Code Blah.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #86 Penelope Cruz

Since we are cruzing right along, I thought I would return to the twin pillars of Scientology and Matthew McConaughey that I touched on briefly in the Jenna Elfman post. For who combines these two noble passions as well as the great Penelope Cruz.

I imagine having the "Madonna of Madrid" star in horrible Hollywood films has its benefits, as she usually ends up bedding the leading men. This may suck for the rest of the cast and crew, but for the leading men, they get to take this supposedly fetching souvenir home from the set. Remember, Cruz starred in the movie Blow.

And blow these two films sure did. I've got to be honest - I've never actually seen the film Sahara. For all I know, it could have been amazing. But it probably wasn't. Still, the pairing of McConaughey and Cruz, and I still can't figure out what the two of them have in common, (stupid accents?), is still going strong. One has not deserted the other.

I would much rather talk about the stinker that I did unfortunately see, that being Vanilla Sky. Look, I know that Penelope Cruz starred in the Spanish, (and from what I hear, far superior) original, but that doesn't give her free reign to star in the English language remake. Shame on you, Cameron Crowe. He was probably too busy 'bonding' with Tom Cruise to even notice how awful Cruz was in this film. She could barely speak English, did nothing in the film but stand around and pout, and looks kind of dull if you ask me. Maybe the reason Cruz was cast is probably because there was some plot point about her having a freckle on her nipple, (couldn't they have just used make-up on another actress). Yet the film's character falls in love with her, and the real life Tommy was smitten too, yet didn't try to convert her to his cult and brainwash her. Maybe she couldn't understand what he was saying, either).

But to be fair to Penelope Cruz, I hated absolutely everything about Vanilla Sky. I love mind-fuck movies, just love 'em, and they don't even have to be very effective. Other notable exception - Eternal Sunshine. This film flat-out sucked. Tommy Boy may be an Oprah-scaring, L Ron Hubbard lovin' nutjob, but normally he's good in these kind of films. Minority Report, for example used Tom Cruise juuuust right. In this film, I couldn't stand to look at him, and not just because of his scary face. Cameron Diaz is horribly miscast as a stalker, (stick to cute and bland, Cameron D), and the delightfully trashy Jason Lee cast as Cruise's yuppie bff was just ridiculous.

For those who haven't seen Vanilla Sky, too damn bad, as I am going to give the condensed version of the plot as I remember it. Please, do not go and see it.

Tom Cruise is a wanky magazine publisher or something, living in a pre 9/11 Manhattan. He sort of pretends to be interested in Cameron Diaz, but finds her boring, as he should. He meets Penelope Cruz at his loft, draws a 'sexy picture of her, (which makes her look angular), and thinks she's top-notch. Cameron Diaz doesn't like this, and drives Tommy off a road, where his face becomes horribly disfigured, (moreso). The Tomster then wears a mask for the rest off the movie. He sees ol' Penelope in a bar and is like "Where's the love, I'm the phantom, now". Penelope blows him off, (or something, I didn't know what she was saying), so Tom is left horribly alone, lying in the gutter. Then Penelope is like "Wait, you are sexy American man", and then they screw and she's got a freckly nipple, so Tom knows he's dreaming. His psychiatrist, Kurt Russell, who has been 'mmm-hmmming' his story this whole time, tells him that he is dreaming, but it's a lucid kind of dream, (whatever that means). Then Tilda Swinton tells Tom he's insane, to which he jumps out of a window, and Radiohead's 'I Might be Wrong' kicks in, and Cameron Crowe ejaculates all over the screen. Miracuslously unharmed, Tom and Penelope fall in love, that is, until they get sick of sharing the same last name, and move on to different parts of tabloids. She hooks up with the Wooder, who sadly, has gotten older, and Tom Cruise brings Jen from Dawson's Creek over to the dark side.

God, I hate that movie.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #87 Jenna Elfman

There was a time when I thought that Jenna Elfman and Lauren Graham were in fact the same person. I realize now that I was confusing them because they look so similar, and because they co-starred in the short-lived sitcom Townies. The show itself involved something about New England and seafood, whatever, but what is interesting is that the 'star', (Molly Ringwald), found her best roles behind her, and the two newcomers, (Grahamelfman), would lead to must greater success.

Or at least, one half of the twins would. Gilmore Girls took off, (haven't I just talked about this?), but Dharma and Greg may go down as one of the most successful sitcoms ever, (success meaning that it made it to syndication), without any single episode or character registering any sort of emotional memory. By the way, the runner-up in this category is Ted Danson's post-Cheers project Becker. Was he a doctor or something?

I guess that Jenna Elfman was the core of Dharma and Greg. She was the 'wacky' one. I think her friend Jane was actually much wackier and Dharma came off as whiny, which may have been one of the reasons the show didn't really register. Greg was a rich stuck-up prig, and Dharma almost had an affair with Kevin Sorbo, TV's Hercules. When you are cheering for the Fabioesque Kevin Sorbo to break up a successful TV marriage, it's time to ride off into the sunset. Or at least make live-action / animated movies with Brendan Fraser, as Jenna Elfman did.

Oh, and she also played Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend and Woody Harrelson's leftovers in that unsuccessful Truman Show lite movie.

Well, since movies didn't work out for her , Jenna Elfman went back to TV. I know absolutely nothing about her new show, except that she is no longer the 'wacky' character. And that the show may have already been canceled.

As I no longer confuse her with Lauren Graham, I know that in her spare time Jenna Elfman devoted herself to study of Dianetics with her husband, the nephew of Oingo Boingo's Danny Elfman. So, in, essence, the Elfmans are weird scientologists.

This, I imagine, would make a far more entertaining show than Dharma and Greg, Townies, and that new one put together.

Oh, and Jenna Elfman is in no way sexy. She does look exactly like an elfwoman. Even though she's tall. She should have stuck with 'Butala' and perhaps I never would have thought to say that. Or maybe she would be unsexy regardless.

Poor Molly Ringwald. I wonder is she still lives in France, hoping to make Thirty-Eight Candles? At least I have never confused her with Lauren Graham.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #88 Sheryl Crow

All I wanna do is not have some fun with this former Michael Jackson back-up singer (!) This bird first achieved fame late in her recording career, (comparison) with a ditty about 'Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy or something'. It's hard to believe that that song first became popular when I was gaining music consciousness - 1994. Dear God, that was twelve years ago.

Over every day the winding road of her career, the songs got much less interesting, (lame covers that are unlistenable the first time, duets with Kid Rock, her transition from Mix 9.99 to 9.73 EZ Rock almost complete), and she too, became a lot less attractive. It's not like she was a beauty queen to begin with, her look was described as 'refreshing', which I believe meant JC Penney chic. She tried to sexify herself in the video for 'If It Makes You Happy', but believe me, it did not. It could be that bad. She looked like a mannequin version of herself, and this was perhaps her last song to be played endlessly on TV and non-crap radio stations.

A change might have done Sheryl Corw good, but it was more of the same that flew out of her mouth and into our ears, (though less so recently). Once her relationship with Lance became tired and retired, I figured that I had heard the last of Sheryl Crow, and perhaps I had. Until now, that is. In fact, if the only time you think about some famous person over the past six months is in the context of how unsexy she is, then they are certainly doing something wrong. Perhaps the last cut is the deepest.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #89 Lisa Kudrow

As far as I know, this former Friend has not been mentioned as being sexy by any of my friends. However, I just realized that Friends makes a nice segue after my rail against hipsters.

Sadly, there will be no Comeback for me ever finding Lisa Kudrow sexy. She has always been my least favorite friend, (yes, even more than Joey), and I blame this entirely on the actress who played Phoebe, and not on the character. She played the ditz just as well on Mad About You, (hey two actresses from the same show!) and still I found her irritating. Maybe Conan O'Brien that French guy know something that I don't, and enjoy eating at this buffet. I guess that I have to Analyze that aspect about myself not being there for her.

Perhaps this is a combination of her fake blonde hair, (dark brown on an episode of Cheers), face that makes her look like a younger Christine Baranski, (which is oddly, not a compliment), and her whiny voice just leave me with a general disinterest in her appearance. At least she has her thriving movie career to fall back on. Oops! There will be no happy ending to this post.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #90 Leslie Feist

In an odd coincidence, while looking for Reza, I also decided to check up on my old friend David, searchmedavid.blogspot.com, to see who he found sexy. To my shock and awe, his inexplicable crush was Leslie Feist, (or just plain 'Feist'), a Broken Social Scener, and singer in her own right. I wish I had told somebody sooner, but I had already decided that Leslie Feist was going to be the next unsexy female on my list. And here's why.

The Stills concert on Thursday was troubling for two reasons. Okay, one reason split into two, guys and girls who uglify on purpose. I won't even get into tattoos or wardrobe choices, but let's get one thing straight, the unkempt look does not look hot in the slightest. It really doesn't. Ladies, please don't combine those glasses with that bedhead hair. It makes me feel sad. Hey, I know it's not my problem if you choose to uglify yourself, but if given the choice, I would assume that you would want to look your best. This is also how I feel about Feist. Perhaps with a less hip, (read: plainer) haircut, she would look less androgynous, but perhaps I am missing the point. Maybe this sea of look-a-like men and women is what's sexy now, and I am stuck in my old world ways of glamorous women and manly men. Or maybe the hipsters are just fooling themselves.

Also, I find Feist's music to be kind of saccharine and pretentious,as if I am too young to truly enjoy it, which is a feeling that I do not often come by. Her work in BSS is pleasant enough, but on her own...Eh. Or is that I cannot look past the fact she looks boyish. I fear I am also starting to feel this way about Emily Haines, another androgynous looking BSSer. I find that haircut and those used t-shirts to be so played out, as too do I find Feist's vintage find look to be very 1998. I know that you can afford it, so why not glam it up, you drab hipsters. Look good, and then pretend not to care.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #91 Alexis Bledel

A little while back, my former friend Reza, (whose blog partly inspired me, but now seems to be down), discussed our conversation over sushi. In it, I commented on his inexpicable crush on Lauren Graham, describing her as a 'doable train wreck'. I'm not sure if I said those exact words, but that's what a blog is for, right? Manipulating things that others have said and either making them sound more clever than they are, or perhaps if they are really clever, passing them off as your own.

So anyways, Reza's point was that Lauren Grham, or if you prefer, Lorelai Graham of Gilmore Girls was both sexy and unappealing at the same time, (a novel conept - more on that soon, I promise). Let's take Reza at his (my) word, since he is no longer around to defend himself. Assume that Lauren Graham really is a 'doable train wreck', and that she manages to be both hot and kind of gross at the same time, (or maybe she's hot and the idea of it is gross). Something must have gone horribly wrong in the gene pool, for her TV daughter, the precocious Rory Gilmore, is both unappealing and unsexy. Actress Alexis Bledel may have once been a model, but in this case, she's a model #91 of the unseixest celebrities.

Now I'm not that familiar with the premise of Gilmore Girls, (yeah right, you scoff), but based on the general pop culture I have picked up, conversations with mothers who do watch it regularly, and the one (1) time I watched an episode all the way through, here's what I do know:

Lorelai got knocked up really young, so her and her daughter are 'buddies'. Lorelai is an innkeeper in some small town called Stars Hollow. Her daughter went to Yale and got involved with a boy and dropped out. The daughter has an Asian best friend with a controlling mother and who started a band that for some reason includes Sebastian Bach of Skid Row. Lorelai is in a relationship with Luke, who wears a lot of flannel shirts which may signify that he is poor. Also, everybody talks a lot and says very clever things, and Lorelai's parents are rich, and she gets along well with her baby daddy, and everything is hunky dory in Stars Hollow.

Stop me if I missed anything else that is important.

Since I have never actually seen an episode with the baby daddy, I assume that he is of a different ethnicity, and thius, his and Lorelai's genes created a strange lloking child. That's seemingly how it is with mixed race children, who either get the best of both parents, or look something like Derek Jeter.

In real life, both of Alexis Bledel's parents are Hispanic, (thanks imdb!) Since she looks not the least bit Mexican or Argentinean, but rather like a 'porcelain doll', (a polite way to suggest that she looks vaguely Asian?), let's assume that her odd features, (blue eyes, dark hair, flat face, big neck, lack or arched eyebrows), means that someone decided that unconventional = sexy. I think it just looks weird, a sort of 'undoable train wreck'.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #91 Martha Stewart

A couple of years ago, I found myself at a Christmas party with a couple of liberal judges. For some reason, we decided to debate the upcoming prison sentence about to be given to Martha Stewart. The liberal judges defended her, practically labeling her 'Martyr Stewart', as they believed the reason she was being sent to prison is because she is a 'shrill woman'. Why, they wondered, should Martha Stewart get jail time, when heads of Enron and Tyco steal billions of dollars and receieve mere slaps on the wrists in comparison?

Well, aside from the fact that Martha Stewart committed a crime, I think the 'shrill woman' defense is pure nonsense. For one thing, Martha Stewart is not shrill. If anything, she seems kind of sedate. Maybe they meant to say 'powerful' or 'high-profile'. But the main point that I object to is 'woman'.

I mean, sure, Martha makes her living in traditional 'female' avenues, such as baking, flower arranging, making christmas cookies and popcorn necklaces, (Martha desires them), and the like. But rise and shine liberals, men can do those things too! Just as women can commit insider trading like a man, so too can a man create centerpieces and plant begonias and do yoga just like a woman can!

And speaking of women...well Martha, she just seems kind of manly. Maybe it has a little to do with her low voice, maybe it has a lot to do with her low voice, but for somebody to use the 'woman' defense for Martha is clearly grasping for straws. She's gender neutral all the way, and despite being picked by People Magazine as being 'beautiful', (no matter what they say), Martha Stewart seems to be completely sexless, and therefore unsexy.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #92 Rhea Perlman

Hey, whatdya know! Another day, another unsexy TV Carla. That calls for a round of puns!

See-ya Perlman

Jeers!

Danny Deveto

Matilnah

Rhea comes up short

Tortelli her the bad news

She's definitely unsexy, bar none.

I hope she doesn't know my name

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #93 Judy Reyes

Just in the case the name isn't familiar, Judy Reyes is probably best known for playing Nurse Carla on Scrubs. I was watching Scrubs tonight, and thought 'boy that woman who plays Nurse Carla sure isn't sexy' and then 'shouldn't there be some sort of place that I could write about how she's unsexy', and only then I remembered that I have a blog.

So yeah, that's it, I don't have anything else to say about her. Scrubs is still a funny show, though. Zack Braff is still tolerable. I figured he's become something of a diva after Garden State went on to become the most loved movie in the history of time, (right after Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Lord of the Rings, of course). He looks the kind of guy where if you met him at one of those bars on Bathurst and Bloor, (insomnia, or leprosy, or whatever terrible condition they are named after), he would come up to you randomly and start barking about social welfare or Werner Herzog and then you would shoot him in the face, (or something like that). On Scrubs though, it's nice to see Zacky fitting so nicely into the milieu consisting of veterans of Oz, (the unisex Judy Reyes), both versions of Clueless, (Donald Faison), The Drew Carey Show, (Christa Miller) and a million action flicks and dumb comedies, (the immortal John C. McGinley). All this, and Neil Flynn too!

Scrubs is cute and funny. It's not hilarious, but funny. With Family Guy quickly losing steam, South Park becoming far too meta, The Simpsons having already been downgraded from essential to occasionally entertaining, and no other show willing to take the mantel away, Scrubs seems to be the only comedy show left that consistently delivers, (and is definitely going to come back in the fall). All this, and it's not animated, either. Now only if they could write out the unisex Latina nurse, and replace her with some other Scrub.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #94 and #94a Mary Kate Ashley Olsen

Even if they didn't get their start when they were one year old, (combined!), and didn't do blow, or ever in their life had full stomachs, dear God, are they, (it?) ever funny looking! However, Mary-Kate redeems herself with her fine singing career, as her and Jason Mraz 'played' Suffragette City in the 'film' New York Minute. If you are wondering, no, I did not just look that up. I knew it.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #95 Roberta Bondar

Finally, a little Can-con! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Roberta, (kind of the worst first name ever, btw), has definitely rocketed to many public speaking gigs at high schools across the country based on a pretty dodgy claim to fame: being the first Canadian in space. So, let's get this straight: she's not the first woman in space, (some Russian), nor the first North American woman in space, (Sally Ride, and how can you be blue with a name like that?), nor the first Canadian in space, (Marc Garneau?)

I hate having to incessantly refer to The Simpsons, but the episode in which Homer gets sent to space just because he's an average schlub was seemingly inspired by Canada's discovery of Roberta Bondar. Let's see. Average hometown - check. Sault Ste. Marie. Average mission - check, and to be completely morbid: it's not she went to the moon, and aside from Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, (and perhaps Jim Lovell, though I doubt he ever said "Houston, we have a problem"), have you ever heard of another living astronaut? Most importantly, at least to this list, average looking - check, check and check. In all likelihood, she worked with the smartest minds in the world, not one of them couldn't have said, "You're going to be all over TV and revered as a hero, so for your close-ups, here's some make-up and hair extensions."

It would have been like 3. 2. 1. Blast off!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #96 Whoopi Goldberg

You never seem to recognize 'the moment' until long after it happens. I met the former Caryn Johnson in a Toronto hotel at a Bar Mitzvah. Little did I know it at the time, but that was one of 'the moments'.

In town to promote Corrina, Corrina, (critics deemed it to be crappy, crappy), Miss Goldberg inexplicably turned our heckling, (running through the hall of her suite screaming "Sister Act 2"), into a chance to touch some young boys, (not like that!) Miss Goldberg's handlers relented, ushered her into the room of the Bar Mitzvah, and she shook everybody's hands, excusing herself by stating: "I have to pee". At the time, I guess it was pretty cool, but what did I know? I was a thirteen year old boy. I figured random encounters with female celebrities in hotels was commonplace, (and remember, Paris Hilton was thirteen at the time, though sadly not a Bar Mitzvah guest). Looking back though, the combination was kind of amazing. Miss Goldberg, Corrina, Corrina, I have to pee! I mean, Whoopi! Color me Purple!

So call me a square if you like, but this and this alone amounts to the reason that Miss Goldberg ranks in at only #96. That moment, and let me know say it was a moment, drops this week's guest star of Law and Order: CI this low on the list. Because without the moment, Miss Goldberg and her supposedly cavernous vagina would likely end up much higher, (remember, in this list, you want to be ranked lower, or perhaps not at all). Because let's face it, Miss Goldberg is not so much ghostly as she is ghastly. Simpsons did it, but the thought of Miss Goldberg getting naked is bogus, be it with co-stars and real-life lovers Ted Danson, Frank Langella, or even fake-life lover Bruce Vilanch. Actually, that last one is kind of hot. Whoopi would have made it work, indeed.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #97 Carmen Electra

Thumbing through People Magazine's "100 Most Beautiful People", it struck me that the usual suspects just reappear again and again, and nobody I know would ever call them 'beatiful'. George Clooney? Julia Roberts? Reese Withserspoon? Shrug. Plus, make sure to recognize the proper number of blacks, asians, and hispanics, older women, and celebrities who nobody cared about until they resurrected their career, (this year, Patrick Dempsey!) and poof, you've got a best-seller.

This year, People included a feature called "Beauty at every age", featuring women from twenty, (Mischa Barton), to sixty-nine, (who the hell cares). Somewhere in the middle, (again, who the hell cares where), was Carmen Electra. I know when her birthday is, (April 20th, not a good sign), and I know that she is in no way sexy.

This is because:

1. She's Prince's leftovers. When was the last time you fantasized about Apollonia or Sheila E?

2. Breast implants.

3. What does she do and why is she famous? Playboy? Being a one-time Pussycat Doll? Looking like a cartoon character?

4. She goes on and on about how hot Dave Navarro is, when he's just a massive tool. Not has, is.

5. Again, why is she famous? A ten second appearance in Scary Movie? Hangin' with Hef and Pam? Keeping the name 'Carmen Electra'?

6. By the way, how old is she really? She looks about forty-five. Not a good thing when you are a 'sex symbol'.

7. Oh, and Dennis Rodman is more feminine than her. Yeah, that about does it.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #99 and #98 Christina Ricci and Kirsten Dunst

The unsexy Betty and Veronica of kid actors, (do I notice a theme developing here, child stars = unsexy? Quick someone notify Dakota Fanning!) Kirsten Dunst and Christina Ricci made the seamless on-screen transition from awkward teens to awkward adults.

Along the way, be it because they were both famous as teenagers, or because one's got a weird forehead and jaw and one's got boobs and not much else, (I'll leave you to guess which one is which), Dunst and Ricci never made the leap from precocious to sexy. They both just look like more grown-up versions of their teenage selves.

Personally, I blame their parents. Their Hollywood parents. Christina Ricci was borne of the Addams Family, thus seemingly justufying her strange looks. However, this was a large step up from her first role, in Mermaids where her mother was Cher and her older sister Winona Ryder. Ugh, ugh, and ugh. Drown 'em all.

Kirsten didn't really have any movies where she was cast with fake parents, so let's look at the films where she was given surrogate parents: there were vampires in Interview with a Vampire, (duh!), but worse, they were Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, who combine to make gay philandering boring short scientologist vampires. Then Dunst had to suffer the ignomoy of having to share the screen with an elephant and a monkey in Jumanji. Whoops, I mean an elephant and Robin Williams. Dick!

Kirsten Dunst is now known as Kirsten Dunce, (I swear!) I assume this is less for her relationshop with meathead Jakey Gyllenhaal, but for the fact that she appeared on Jeopardy! as a fourteen-year-old, finished in the minuses, was still given a chance to compete in Final Jeopardy! and still botched the question. I can't remember the final question, (answer!), but as this was Celebrity Jeopardy! (and worse, Celebrity Teen Jeopardy!) it was well along the lines of "You have this many ears." Nothing unsexier than a dumb chick.

I'm not sure how smart Christina Ricci is, but starring in movies with names like Monster, Anything Else and Prozac Nation probably didn't help with her career as a sexpot. Plus, she played Joey's sister on the short lived spinoff, and the idea of her being in the same bloodline as Matt Leblanc is an unfirnedly image to say the least.

Granted, Christina Ricci probably cursed herself most as a teenager, when her Now and Then self grew up to become.... Rosie O'Donnell! Talk about fear and loathing! More like Rosie No'Donell!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #100 Helen Hunt

Tell me why. I hate her like I do. Supposedly a dead ringer for Leelee Sobieski, (which, if I'm not mistaken, was the name of Milla Jovovich's character in The Fifth Element), Helen Hunt looks more like Marlon and Shawn Wayans in White Chicks, though darker. Kind of like a beige chick.

She's got these like really squinty eyes, and a bulbous head, and though there are no hideous aspects of Helen Hunt, I don't find her physically attractive in the least, unlike Hank Azaria, who starred with her in both Mad About You and one episode of The Simpsons and also shacked up with her. THankfully, it wasn't his final frontier.

Plus, her name is Helen. What's her competition for sexiest Helen that did not start a war? Helen Reddy? Mount St. Helens? Helen Mirren? Timmy's mother? Helen's Mayonnaise? That nun Susan Sarandon played in Dead Man Walking? Helen Keller? Even Helen Keller could see how unsexy Helen Hunt is.

This is most definitely not a fox hunt.