Coldplame

"Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?"

Is this supposed to Chris Martin and others, (are there others?) able to best express 'anguish', now that he's a mutli-gazallionaire, married to Gwen, provider of an apple seed, and generally acknowledged as the number two band in the world, behind only U2, (oh, they're the number two band alright...)

Are you lost. Are you incomplete. At least they're not tryin' to fool us by say I anymore. Now that Coldlay's no longer anguished, why do we feel the need to be anguished ourselves. That band aqualung does angst much better, so did Richard Ashcroft, (who, ironically, they're touring with), and that Arctic Monkeys band has much catchier songs, ("They sound British, so they must be good" said my brother). I didn't know that Coldplay could get Really Amamingly Profounder.

I listened to Flow at work today because I was sick of the Edge and the same twelve songs that they play. Weirdly, it wasn't COldplay that set me off, but Pearl Jam's Alive. Since they've been playin' it non-stop for fifteen years, it got a little bit annoyin'. Maybe everybody will finally get sick of Coldplay, even if it takes fifteen damn years, at which time apple will have gone rotten, (from listening to her father so damn much, of course).

Time to March forth into spring. Happy Mardi Gras, y'all.

Switzerland defeats Canada. Headline reads:

"Swiss Beatz Canada", (for hip-hop headz only)

"Switzerland Clocks Canada", (Kind of lame, bonus points for the Coldplay reference, though)

"Canada needs Red Cross after Swiss beating", (extremely lame)

"Switzerland remains in neutral zone, yet beats Canada on the offensive", (too overtly political)

"Canadians on slippery slope after Switzerland reaches new heights", (a little too ski focused)

"Swiss revel in cheesy victory", (too biased, and besides Canada always produces fine dairy products as well)

"Watch out! Here come the Swiss" (at least it's timely. Damn, that's another one!)

"Swiss go cuckoo for Olympic hockey win", (sounds a little too much like they acquired outfielder Coco Crisp)

"Canada loses to Swiss, who would have bet on that?", (too Canada-focused)

"Switzerland 2, Canada 0. You can take it to the bank", (too shady.)

"N'oh Canada!" (Would only work if I knew the Swiss national anthem and could compare)

"Swiss (can't) Miss!" (I like the need for extra punctuation)

"The Deeeeee Switzer, assclowns" (Just for ex-Gargoyle staff members)

"The Switzer has Landed" (Does the Swiss even have a space program?)

"Canadian Players go into psychoanalysis lookin' for answers in loss to Swiss", (I really hope that this comes true)

"A Matterhorn of National Pride", (now I'm just stretching)

If the Swiss go on to win the Gold, I'll have an even larger array of headlines, but for now, I'll leave with my favorite, oh, and by the way, these are all Chas Traps originals, if you see any of these in tomorrow's papers, you'll know who came up with them first.

"Swiss Melt Canadian Bacon"

That's the Gold Standard.

One Thin Dime

I was craving a Big Mac combo in the worst way after work today, and I counted all the change in my pocket, only to discover that I possessed exactly $4.17 in a various combination of nickels, quarters, dimes, and loonies. Lucky me! I was exactly ten cents short of a delicious, delicious Big Mac, fries, and some sugary beverage, which today felt like Fruitopia.

Being as I was ten cents short, I started to think of ways to accumulate the missing dime. My first thought was that I work at a place with lots of change available, (a little too much change if you ask me). Should I:

A. Take the money from my register, seeing as it's a measly dime? I couldn't pull myself to do it, as I feel kind of iffy giving myself a 'loan', plus I kept a perfect cash today, and I didn't feel like destroying that high and replacing it with a ten cent underage. So veto Plan A. There's always

B. Take the money from the other register and pay it back first thing tomorrow, before the cash-out, no problem. This option seemed even worse, as the other cash isn't even mine, and the missing dime would weigh heavy on my mind for the entire rest of the night and most of tomorrow. Once I actually deposited my tip, and couldn't stop thinkin' about it for the entire time between shifts. Five crappy bucks almost drove me to the brink of insanity. Cancel option B.

C. I could just take my $4.17 to McD's, and ask somebody in line if they have a dime. This was the worst idea so far, as I hate hate hate askin' people for money, even if it's a dime, even if it's in line for food. The new form of bumming seems to be telling an elaborate story about being a buck fifty short for gas, (I swear, I've heard this story from three different people, all of whom didn't really fit the bum persona, but I didn't believe it a single time). Also, the direct approach kind of bugs me too, as instead of asking for change, the request is for, say eighty cents. Let me decide how much I will give you. So, yeah, the short version is no way.

D. I could scour the floor for a dime. Though I find mostly pennies, (from heaven?) on the ground, maybe the dime fairy will pay me a visit. Wait, that sounds gay. Maybe the dime is at hand. That's better. But I like to think of money as appearing on the ground rather than having to look for it. What's the best amount of money you've ever found on the ground? I found a ten dollar bill when I first started at Greg's, but I saw the guy who dropped it and tried to chase after him to give it back, (I swear). I then kept it safe 'til the next day in case the guy returned. He never did. I took it, and immediately forget about it. Until now. This other time I found a shiny toonie. That was a bit less memorable.

E. The cashier at McDonalds seems to be the same every night. I could just ask her to let me be a dime short, or perhaps somehow trick her into believing that I have paid the proper amount. She always looks kind of tired, or stoned, but maybe I would be too if I worked at McDonalds every night. I haven't seen the large black woman who works there who got ragged on by Ashlee Simpson in a while. She seemed cool, and plus, her blurred out face is the latest Maxim Blender! I sure wish that I had a camera phone and had gone to McDonalds on that Tuesday night. It was Big Mac day anyways, and Ashlee Simpson, is, like, totally rockin'! (I'm nice!) I heard that the person who took the video of her made like seventy-five grand from the tabloids. It coulda been me. Granted, I have no purpose for a camera phone, seeing as how I accidentally call people all the time, I would probably take a whole bunch of pictures of my ear or the inside of my pocket. Gawd, I'm helpless. Bargaining and conniving is out of the question.

At the end of all of this consideration, I found a five dollar bill in my pocket. I guess I could have also gotten money out of the bank, but takin' out a twenty when I was ten cents short just felt kind of dirty.

I heard a rumor that Eddie Vedder wrote a song called 'A Dollar Short', but found it kind of lame, so he changed it to 'Alive'. I prefer the first version. From this episode, I kind of believe that everything in life, the so-called 'tough decisions', are not in fact decided by careful planning, or foresight on our parts, rather all of our life changing events come about as the result of being a dime short, or a dollar over. Think of what would have happened if I had decided, say, to take out a twenty, and I would have run into someone I knew, who told me about something that was going on somewhere, and I went, and there...see, all of that came down to being a dime short. Of course, it works in negative ways too, like what if I went into the McDonalds at a certain time because I didn't have to go for money, and ran into someone I didn't like, who I purposely avoided and then I ate too fast, and then I got run over by a car on my way out. Okay, that's a little extreme, but you can see where I am going with this. Every decision in life comes down to being a dime short.

While I was eating my delicious delicious Big Mac, I came across a brief in the Toronto Star Sports section that said because of the Hamas victory, this Israeli Ice Hockey federation were forced to move an upcoming hockey tournament from Israel to Romania. This was incredible news. There's an Israeli Ice Hockey federation? Do they pronounce it chockey? Are the players allowed to fight, but forbidden from removing their helmets? Do teams doven during the intermissions? Is the ice surface blessed by a rabbi before the game, and is the ice made of sand? Do Kibbutz league teams promote balanced scoring, encouraging teammates to score an equal number of goals? Are the players with the most assists deemed the biggest mensches?

Will somebody find these things out for me? If you do it, I'll give you a dime.