The 'off' season

Happy Halloween everybody! (side note, a couple of years ago, I was informed by a source that the French had just recently started celebrating Halloween quite recently, like in the last ten years. To quoteth Goldmember: "Isn't that weird?")

Here are some scary thoughts:

- When I told my mom that I was having, quote, 'friend troubles', she came out of nowhere with this monster diss! I didn't know that she had it in her. Normally, she is so kind. I guess I now know why I'm a mean girl.

- The glasses that I am going to wear as Napoleon Dynamite are an old pair of my Dad's. I had no idea that he was completely blind. Seriously, these things are comparable to Nat's glasses on CYE. BTW, I'm not spelling out the acronym for you.

- Talking about my parents.

- The degree to which I crave ice cream, specifically the new chocolate peanut butter pretzel flavor, when I am not at Greg's. I think I've got a problem. Now I know how Giambi feels when he's slumping, or perhaps how A-Rod feels during the off-season. A huge sense of withdrawal. Actually, I imagine they both feel withdrawal during the season as well, what with Giambi withdrawing long syringes from his ass, and A-Rod withdrawing long....

Okay, I never promised that I would completely stop talkin' 'bout baseball!

- The time change. I feel like it's either 1 or 5 p.m. right now. Lousy farmers.

- My inability to grow facial hair.

- My brother's persistence to find him a bowling bag so that he can dress up as 'The Dude'. First of all, I put together his costume singlehandedly. Then he asks me where to find a bowling bag, and I tell him that it's in the basement. Then after he looks there and can't find it, makes me search the entire length of the basement, even though he's found a perfectly good substitute bag. The really scary part? He doesn't even have a place to go on Halloween. He's just goin' to be toolin' around residence. Gawddammit!

- The amount of hate that some people have for me, and feel the need to post about on their grammatically incorrect blogs. Maybe you should deal with your own problems before gettin' all huffy about me. I hope that you have a friend who can dress as a psychiatrist for Halloween.

- Professional recruiters who write about my job, write about my mother, write about almost coming in to see me at work, but of whom I've never met before.

As a public service, here are my hours:

Wednesday nights.
Thursday days.
Every second Friday night.
Sundays alternating days and nights.
Oh, and of course, every shift which I fill in, (or wrestle away from Sara), which this past week included Tuesday and Saturday night.

Basically, I'm not hard to find. Come and knock on my door. I've been waitin' for you. The kisses are hers and his, but I don't know about this other hers.

But aside from tonight, I will be again workin' all by my lonesome. So I guess that one's company for the time being.

-Boy, do I miss trick or treatin'. I went door to door until I was about fifteen.

- I got mugged for my candy one year, late in the game. These guys ran by, tried to grab my bag and ran off. I refused to budge, and my bag of candy exploded. I picked up every damn piece of candy off the ground. I am an addict. Yes, I admit it.

- That year I went as 'the beanstalk', involved a whole lot of prep time, what with paintin' myself green, finding the appropriate leaves and trees, buying the 'magic beans', (they were actually pinto beans), but in the end I looked pretty good. Again, I didn't really have anywhere to go, because the UC party was so-so.

- People who take Rocky Horror waaayyyyy too seriously.

- Some people have never seen Rocky Horror. You haven't lived!

- Late night cravings.

- My phone, which beeps at weird times, sucks at text messages, gets no reception in the house, and worst of all, is a Rogers phone.

- In conclusion, my Halloween, and 'non baseball post', (yeah right), should naturally end with the scariest image imaginable: a haunted house. Boo!

The White Sox are champions...and I miss you

Man, am I underwhelmd by the result of this year's World Series. I mean, I planned to write a long, detailed, complex uoveranalysis of the Series...but I don't really care. I'm sort of glad that the Pale Hose won it, but sort of not glad. It's like the face that's neither happy nor unhappy, just exists a a sort of straight line.

-- --
/
------

That's me.

Every time I think I'm out, They Puley me back in.

Christian: Love is a many splendoured thing, love, lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love.
Satine: Please, don't start that again.

C: All you need is love.
S: A girl has got to eat.

C: All you need is love.
S: Or she'll end up on the streets.

C: All you need is love.
S: Love is just a game.

C: I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me.
S: The only way of loving me baby, is to pay a lovely fee

C: Just one night, give me just one night.
S: There's no way, cause you can't pay.

C: In the name of love, one night in the name of love.
S: You crazy fool, I won't give in to you.

C: Don't leave me this way, I can't survive, without your sweet love, oh baby, don't leave me this way.
S: You'd think that people would have had enough of silly
love songs.

C: I look around me and I see, it isn't so, oh no.
S: Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs.

C: Well what's wrong with that, I'd like to know, cause here I go again!
Love lifts us up where we belong, where the eagles fly, on a mountain high.
S: Love makes us act like we are fools, throw our lives away for one happy day.

C: We could be heroes, just for one day.
S: You, you will be mean.

C: No I won't!
S: And I, I--I'll drink all the time.

C: We should be lovers.
S: We can't do that.

C: We should be lovers, and that's a fact.
S: Though nothing, will keep us together.

C: We could steal time...Just for one day.
Both: We could be heroes, for ever and ever. We could be heroes...
C: Just because I will always love you.

S: I can't help loving
C: you.
S: How wonderful life is...
Both: Now you're in the world.

Although it was very kind to think that I wrote the last verse of this profoundly wonderful tune, Y Our Song was actually Bernie Taupin's gift to Elton John. (my gift is my song). To think that I could actually write a statement of that magnitude. No, my greatest gift to Sara is my 'bits' which I compose for her, and without her sympathetic ear, would probably find their way onto this very site. As she may attest, it's strange to have a steady reader become a steady relater.

Inspiration Point

Many new faces have entered the blog arena in recent weeks. Sammy and Tasha were a nice surprise, but I really felt honored to inspire DM (searchmedavid.blogspot.com), for the better. There's a flip side to this story, but I don;t want to get into it right now. Needless to say, some people don't undertsand the difference between unfunny private jokes, and unfunny public jokes, nor do they know how to repent for these mistakes, even on the Jewish day of Repentance. Douchebag.

But DM, (or anyone else for that matter), without question you can provide a link to my site, as I am quite the egotist, and appreciate the support. One drawback from my redesign, (redasein), is that I am unaware as to how to put my links back up. Needless to say, I will continue to spotlight blogs great and small, but truthfully, if somebody mentions me in them, I am more likely to respond. I'm such a media whore.

I've gotten a few (offline) comments recently that my blog has become a little baseball heavy over the past few weeks. Well folks, it just happens to be that time of the year. I'm sure in the winter months, I'll go back to talking about Fleetloaf, massages, and randomness.

Oh, and a special message to the CH. So far so good at Greg's Ice Cream and Mixins, and I am heartily awaiting your visit so that we can take our relationship into the realm of the face to face. I figure that it's been so far, so good in that realm.

And to Rohab, as much as I'd like to participate in drag queen Halloween, I promised that I would never again go that route, and I believe that your house was the site of my 'look at me' costume in grade ten. Never again. Besides, I'm goin' as ND for Halloween. Anybody have an idea as to where I can pick up some sweet moon boots?

Until next time, Keep on rockin' chair!

Playoff Picks Two: The Reckoning

We're back again after an amazingly fast week, and what have we found out? I was waaayy off base, (get it?) three times, and absolutely freakin' spot on once, bringing' my playoff average to .250, which won't win you many championships, (at least it's better than Bellhorn, says Sara). But if you look even deeper into the picks, you'll see that even if the result was wrong, my analysis was ESPN good.

Let's take a look back, shall we?

My key to the Padres / Cardinals series was Jake Peavy. Good young pitcher, plays in San Diego, gets lost in the shuffle, surely he has the chance to outduel Chris Carpenter, who struggled late in the season. Little did I, (or anyone else), know that Peavy had a broken rib. How did he get the broken rib, you ask? From the locker room celebration over winning the NL West. Un-freakin-believable. Sounded like quite a celebration. Look what happens. As predicted, Carpenter was very average in Game One. Peavy, though, was truly awful pitchin' through the broken rib, givin' up eight earned over four and two thirds. It was pretty much over after that.

Want more? A St. Louis slugger gets a record six rbis in Game One. But it's not Pujols, Edmonds, or Larry Walker, of course. It's the wily veteran Reggie Sanders. Anytime Sanders is burnin' you for six ribs in Game One, you can bet that there's not goin' to be a Game Five. Oh, and one other thing. In my fawning over Peavy, I neglected to mention that San Diego's number two pitching option, (and never was that description more apt), was Pedro Astacio. The same Astacio who was released by the Rangers, perhaps the worst pitchin' team in the Major Leagues. Whoa, before you argue that the Rockies and not the Rangers are the worst pitchin' team in the Majors, the Rockies got rid of Astacio as well.

Naturally, Astacio fools everybody by pitchin' well for half a season, (or sixty total innings), and gets torched in Game Two. Then the Blue Jays cast-off, (oh wait, he was traded for Joey Hamilton), Woody Williams, gets raked over the coals for about an inning and a third in Game Three. Game Over. Series Over. Did it even begin? I know that I thought the Cards would overlook the Padres, but in this situation I figured that the Padres would at least put out the very average Adam Eaton, or perhaps...oh who I am kidding, I loused up this pick, big time!

Let's switch to the Astros and Braves, a series featuring another unforeseeable event, (an eighteen inning game). Remember, I picked the Braves in five. If the Braves hold their 6-1 lead in Game Four, and gotten over their yearly choke in Game Five, I could have nailed this series. Instead, I spent the majority of my pick fawning over Clemens, and guess who nailed down the sixteenth, seventeenth, and eighteenth for the Astros in the dramatic game? That's right, the Rocket! Meanwhile, pitching the ninth for the Braves that day, their closer, uggghhh, Kyle Farnsworth. And pitchin' the eighteenth, and givin' up the home run to Chris Burke, why it's their number one draft pick from THIS year, Joey Devine. When you've got a guy who's not just a rookie, but a recent draft pick dueling against the greatest pitcher of the modern era, I don't care who many consecutive NL Easts you've won, your luck has plum run out.

I picked the Braves to win this series for three reasons. Number one was John Smoltz, who I predicted would 'more than counterbalance Clemens', which is exactly
what happened in Game Two. Roger was shaky, and Smoltz was superb. Number two was Jeff Francouer, and perhaps it was too early to start expectin' much from the Sports illustrated cover boy. However, another Braves rookie, Brian McCann, hit a huge home run off of Clemens in Game Two, and the young Adam Laroche hit the slam in Game Four, so the younger Bravies still contributed. My third key was Jorge Sosa, who pitched just fine in Game Three. almost the equal of twenty game winner Roy Oswalt. But the craptastic Braves bullpen, includin' that Devine guy, again put the game out of reach. I predicted that Clemens and company would get no run support. This held to be reasonably true, as wait, I'll turn it over to you. Name the player who hit the walk-off homer in Game Four. I didn't think so.

I'm goin' to skim over New York versus the Vladangeles Angels of Vladeheim, because I called that series almost completely perfectly. Washburn got the flu, but I couldn't do anything about that. And so what if Jose Molina didn't play, Bengie was incredible. I mentioned Ervin Santana as an intangible, and he was just that. Garrett Anderson came back in a big way, Finley and Cabrera improved on their lackluster seasons, and Vlad didn't do anything spectacular, nor did he need to. He just kept on being Vlad, (and chompin' a huge wad of gum throughout the entire game, what was up with that?) I feel you, dude.

And for the Yankees, Randy Johnson had one poor outing, but made up for it by his dominant showing in Game Five. A-Rod tanked big time, (I wish I had mentioned that he's ringless, but instead I chose to focus on his cheapness). Rivera did everything Rivera is expected to do, and remains the greatest pitcher in Yankees history, (I honestly believe this, and no, I don't count Clemens). Torre is goin' to lose his job, and that's sad because he does all that he can do with a team that has no chemistry. And I can't believe that I slighted Derek Jeter, because he did everything that makes Jeter clutch. I think that the series can be summed up by the ninth inning of Game Five. Jeter stokes a leadoff single, and A-Rod ground into a double play. That was the ballgame. This year's MVP may turn out to be the Yankees LVP. Question: When Alex Rodriguez retires a hall of famer, will he be remembered for his amazing regular season numbers...or his ringless fingers? Discuss.

I don't even want to talk about the Sox and Sox. In my heart of hearts, I had a feeling that the Red Sox would lose. I just didn't want to jinx it.

I truly did not want the Red Sox to repeat, as the celebration of this team feels like a party that I am not invited to. I just can't behind the team and support them. So I cheated and put the White Sox in four, as not to upset Sara, Jack, Misha, and all the other diehard Red Sox fans. My keys to the series were spot on, especially the part about Manny's bat and Papi's bat. Those two did all that they could, save for get on base, field and start games, and these were the three things the Red Sox were missing. It feels like this series ended a month ago, so I'll let it go soon, but I will say this: goodbye Red Sox dynasty. You had your series win, now let's all move on and fete the next team that wins everybody's heart. The romantic comedy ends with the hapless loser getting the girl and overcoming the odds. The Red Sox did just that. It's way too early for a sequel.

I'm goin' to keep my next picks relatively short, seeing as how I've gone into great detail about all four teams already. Let's just say that I can't get behind either the Astros or the White Sox. The Astros had Roger Clemens against Jeff Suppan in Game Seven last year against the Cards and still lost. The difference between this year's series and last year is that the Astros have a healthy Pettitte, and the Cardinals have a healthy Carpenter...and Mark Mulder. The Astros still trot out Brandon Backe in the Fourth Game, and the Cardinals, at the worst will send out everybody's favorite Jason Biggs lookalike: Jason Marquis. LaRussa's still too smart for his own good, but he's not that dumb.

Cards in Five

I'm not quite sure how to call the White Sox / Angels series, so I'll just keep it simple. The Angels won the World Series in 2002, and I believe that this year's team is even stronger than that one. I compared the Chicago White Sox to twenty five Ozzie Guillens, and that's exactly the tenacity they showed against the Red Sox. El Duque's masterful performance out of the 'pen? Money. Podsednik's home run? Pullin' off the successful squeeze in the ninth with your catcher on third, a catcher with no stolen bases all year? Guillen is a lock for manager of the year, but like the last series, I just can't get behind the White Sox. They just don't have the je ne sais quoi of the Red Sox team from last year. There's no Pedro, no Manny, and too many question marks. Is Bobby Jenks for real? Can Podsednik run? Is there a respirator and IV on standby for Ozzie Guillen? How old is El Duque, honestly?

Too many question marks. However, for the Angels, Bartolo Colon is a GIANT question mark. Will he pitch at all this series? The bigger question is, will it matter?

The White Sox have been to one (1) World Series since the gambling scandal. At least the Red Sox got all the way before blowin' it in 1967, 1975 and 1986. Not to mention last year's Red Sox team had flash. They were the Anti-Yankees. Moreso, they faced the Yankees last year. Do the White Sox have the same incentive versus the Angels? Did Vlad call out Konerko and Carl Everett in Spring Training? Of course not. Vlad doesn't speak English. Ozzie Guillen seems to save his vendettas for former teammates like Magglio Ordonez and current players like Frank Thomas.

Plus, I really can't stand the White Sox franchise. At least the Cubs are lovable.

Screw it, I'm voting with my head and heart.

Angels in Six

I'll be wordly in ten days.

What's Black and White and Red's all over?

So I'm wrong about at least one of my playoff predictions. Are you tellin' me that you called the White Sox to win three straight? Who knew that Yankee cast-offs Contreras and El Duque were so good? Not the Yankees, apparently.

Check the comments on Yankeessuck.com for the rest of my thoughts on this matter.

Manic in the streets of London?

That's right, folks. This 'waiter-boy' managed to line up my off days so that I could spend the weekend in that wonderful Canadian city cleverly named after a British city, (did you know that Canadian London also lies on the river Thames? Zowee!) After last weekend's trip to Mount Royal that seemed to revolve around food, this weekend brings with it the chance to 'meet the parents', so to speak, after only two and a half weeks. I'm hyped.

"Larry, why did you bring a sheet to the hotel? It's not even a good sheet, look, it has a hole in it".

Hang the D.J.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

As per the new design of my site, (thanks, cousin Alyssa!) I want to deviate the focus slightly from me me me, and into my my my predictions for the second season. Yes, my friends, these are Chas Traps' first annual baseball play-off picks. Of course, these are for recreational purposes only, which covers my ass if I'm wrong, but I've still got a good feeling in my gut. Or maybe that's the McDonalds. Envoy!

Let's begin with:

San Diego vs. St. Louis

Earlier this week, (maybe it was yesterday, who knows?), I told Sara, "Mark my words, the Padres are going to pull off the upset". Like John Kerry before me, I've already flip-flopped. I believe that the Pods are not going' to pull off the upset...but it's goin' to be really really close. This is a five gamer for sure.

With all the praise heaped upon the formerly mediocre Blue Jays cast-off Chris Carpenter, plus the west coast bias, Jake Peavy has not gotten the respect he deserves. He's a nasty nasty pitcher when he's on, plus Carpenter limped towards the finish line this year. If both pitchers are in fine form, which I fully expect that they will be, Game One will be a beauty. Let's say that Peavy preservers, all of a sudden it's 1-0 Padres, with home field becoming a wash, and the eighteen win differential meanin' absolutely nothin'. So why aren't the Padres goin' to pull it off? Even in their cavernous Petco Park, I predict that Pujols will Foulke up Akinori Otsuka, and not the other way around.

Result: Cardinals in 5 (barely)

Let's stay in the National League, shall we? Atlanta vs. Houston

On paper, it's Houston's series to win. Andy Pettitte's undergone a remarkable turnaround this year, Roy Oswalt is quietly masterful, and the Rocket is the Rocket, (I wonder what Koby's nickname will be when he comes up. Little Rocket? because, he's pretty large). Plus, Houston upset Atlanta and almost Saint Loo last year using Brandon Backe, Pete Munro, and some sort of magic potion. The Braves have a history of chokin' in the playoffs, (they almost blew it in '95 too, the one year they won it all, and who can ever forget Otis Nixon's bunt in '92? Hey, who can ever forget Otis Nixon? So basically, the Braves have to face three great pitchers, who the Astros might roll over for all five games, they have a history of play-off sucking, nobody in Hotlanta goes to games until the Series and Andruw Jones' 51 homers already seems like a fluke.

But the Braves will dominate this series.

Here's why: The Astros offense did not show up for the rocket in the regular season, so why should the play-offs be any different? If the Rocket pitched for any of his former teams this year, including the Blue Jays, he could have won thirty games...no exaggeration. The Rocket had two, maybe three bad starts this year. He got blown out by Pittsburgh and Milwaukee for some reason, let's toss that one out. He gave up five runs, also to Milwaukee in his third worst outing, but still only gave up five hits, and struck out seven. His start against Saint Loo on June 5th was pretty average: 5 innings, 9 hits, 4 runs, but the 'Stros won that game. EVERY SINGLE OTHER START, he gave up 3 earned runs or less, and the 3 earned game only happened once.

If you look at his no-decision starts, say his masterful Pittsburgh performance, eight innings, two hits, nine Ks, no win? That's just gross. Or his run of three straight starts in April. Each time, the Rocket emerged with seven innings of no run ball...and not a single win to show for them. How about his game against Peavy, where the Rocket more than held his own with two earned allowed over eight, seven strikeouts, but of course, the Astros got blanked. This is what is going to happen every single play-off game.

The Astros no longer have Beltran carrying the team, (neither the 'Stros or the Mets seemed to benefit from his free agent signing), Bagwell has one frickin' arm, Biggio has been hit by whole bunch of pitches, Berkman is barely recovered from his flag football injury, and I see them losing a whole lot of 1-0 games. Sure, they gave Oswalt enough support to win 20, Lidge is tremendous, and Morgan Ensberg seems to be the second coming of Mike Schmidt all of a sudden, but the Braves season is characterized by three events: 1. John Smoltz got shellacked on opening day, his first game as a starter in three years, but rebounded to have an incredible year as another ageless wonder. He more than counterbalances Clemens. 2. Scheurholz released Raul Mondesi early in the season even though they had no other option in right. This eventually led to the emergence of Francouer. 3. Jorge Sosa comes out of nowhere, (i.e. Tampa Bay's relief corps) to go 13-3. I argue that this is even more impressive than Aaron Small going 10-0.

Last year was different, as the surprising Astros got by the complacent Braves. This year, one team has been much more resilient and it ain't the Astros. LaRussa vs. Cox in the NLCS.

Braves in 4.

Now to the American League:

New York vs. Vladangeles Angels of Vladeheim

Orlando Cabrera and Steve Finley cannot possibly be as bad as they were during the regular season. Garrett Anderson may have been hurt all year, and still put up decent numbers. Chone Figgins is the best player ever named Chone. The Angels bullpen is absolutely stacked: K-Rod, Shields, Escobar, Donnelly, one of Ervin Santana or Paul Byrd. Colon will win the Cy Young this year. The Molina brothers are both quite good, Lackey can dominate games. Scoscia's been here before. No more Jose Guillen messin' up team chemistry. Jarrod Washburn had a 3.20 E.R.A. The rally monkey.

These are the intangibles which favor the L.A. team that does not play in L.A. Now for the tangible: Vlad Guerrero has carried the Angels on his bad back the entire damn year. Okay, I know that I'm not the most objective person in the whole world, considering that Vlad's my man crush. However, he's kind of a good player. The Yankees will do everything in their power not to be burned by Vlad, and this is when the intangibles will come into play. Except for maybe the damn monkey.

This analysis overlooks one key fact: the New York Yankees are the New York Yankees.

Best player in baseball? Check. (A-Rod will win the M.V.P., purple lips and all).

Best reliever...ever? Check. Mariano Rivera. Watch out for her.

Most dominant lefty pitcher? Big check. RJ's back, baby.

Army of sluggers, each more powerful and hated than the next? Check, check, and check. Giambi, Sheff, Posada, Matsui, even Cano, who may well win rookie of the year, the immortal Bubba Crosby, the seventy-two year old Ruben Sierra, Bernie's last go round, Womack to run off the bench.

They are still the Yankees and they are still stacked.

But they also just seem too happy to be there. If Torre's done this before, why was he so emotional? Maybe because he knew he kept his job by winning the east yet again, (yawn). Steinbrenner might still can him if he doesn't deliver the Yanks first World Series since 2000, (seems like ages ago, don't it?)

The Yanks will look ahead of the Angels and start plannin' for the Red Sox. But they're not goin' to get that far. This series will be a repeat of 2002. No Yankees / Red Sox ALCS this year, folks.

Angels in 5.

What about the other half of the equation? Sox vs. Sox

White: Best record in the league, completely out of nowhere. Aggressive manager. Balanced offense. Podsednik, when healthy, the leadoff hitter the Red Sox sorely lack, (sorry, JD). Three or four top flight starters. A remarkably capable bullpen, considering Ozzie is already on his third closer of the year. The desire to play hard every, notice especially how they didn't quit against the Indians even though they had secured their dance card. A giant chip on their shoulder from being the less popular cursed team in their own damn town. Their last World Series win: 1917. One year before the Red Sox cornered the market on curses. The Pale Hose came out flying in April and May, and late season sagging be damned, they still clinched home field advantage. They could be this year's Red Sox.

Red: A sagging bullpen. A set-up man named Papelbon. A laid-back manager. A struggle just to get into the play-offs. Mike freakin' Timlin as the closer. A knuckleballer for an ace. Porous defense. No bench. The fallback of last year's incredible run. Kevin Millar, formerly a hero, gettin' booed every game. Manny's concentration. Papi's glove. Do you trust David Wells, or Matt Clement for that matter?

The Red Sox only have a few things goin' for them: Manny's bat, Papi's bat, JD and Varitek, the surprising Johnny O, Bill Mueller, idiocy, the home crowd when they get back to Fenway, and oh yeah, they're the champs. Are the Red Sox going to lose to a team that hasn't won a play-off series in eighty-six years? Yeah, right! Sorry, White, this isn't the team that you're goin' to reverse your curse against.

Besides, now they've got a cause. They're gonna win it for Gabe Kapler.

Red Sox in four.

So there you have it, my wholly unscientific method for pickin' the winners. But you know what? I'll be surprised if in a week I'm not pickin; the winners of the Angels / Red Sox and Braves / Cardinals serieses.