The blog is here to stay

I'm anxious to catch everyone up on what I've been doing with myself the past few weeks, (months, years), because I've been hearing rumours that I'm off the bloggin' tip. Here's the scoop. My inspiration for the past few weeks, (months, years), has been Sara Smile. You can read about our courtship within the comments pages. Basically, we took our bloggin' relationship to the next step. Ahoy! Actual human contact! Muy! She's been my pride and joy ever since we unplatonized our relationship, (and ever since I graduated from University, I've been pretty unplatonic myself). Sara has been able to hear some of my ideas, or 'bits', in comedic terms, but now I'll share some of them with all of you.

1. Moulin Rouge! would have been a much better movie if Baz Luhrrman had disrearded the whole 'Satine is dying' subplot and had Christian and Satine live happily ever after...as a struggling writer and a prostitute, with Toulouse-Lautwec occasionally droppin' by to get in on the fun. Hi-larious!

2. Paul Simon's entire time spent with Art Garfunkel consisted of him writin' and recordin' songs about how much he hated Art Garfunkel. The evidence is right there in the songs: 'Bridge Over Troubled Water', 'I Am a Rock', 'Sound of Silence', they're all songs about how he wishes that the jewfroed Garfunkel would jump over the 59th street bridge. This is why when Simon went solo, he finally decided to do away with the two part harmony, and record songs based on whatever his whim dictated, be it playin' with some Mexican dude: 'Me and Julio down by the Schoolyard', weird, kinky nicknames: 'You Can Call Me Al', or songs about the future Larry David: 'Still Crazy After All These Years'. I guess the real question that Paul Simon should be asking is: Where have you gone Art Garfunkel? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo.

3. The All-Star home run derby is one ginat jack-off contest. This is why sluggers try to jerk as many pitches possible over the fence, trying to get a home run every time, disregarding singles and doubles. Also, the sluggers are warned not to expend themselves in the first round, lest they leave themselves impotent by the end of the 'contest'. Afterwards they receive a trophy for many balls they jacked. I'm gettin' excited just thinking about it.

4. Let's leave it at three.

Today I was walkin' down the street just thinkin', "I had some friends earlier in life that I was never really friends with". I'm not talkin' about now, nor those friends that you never like to begin with, but are just friends of convenience, but I was thinkin' back to a time in high school where I hung out with some people I have absolutely no fond memories of, and wonder what brought us together in the first place. My guess is the drugs. And the fact that High School is useless. Good luck with your practica, my friend.

This blog is not goin' anywhere. Also, to my readers in France, I'm glad that you can long distance get caught in the Traps. And don't think that I forgot about NYU. Rob, I'm comprende with the movie version of the blog. Just don't forget to include Vladdy in the closing credits. Until next time, keep on rockin' chair.

Number 150

I hope you don't mind that I wrote down in words. How wonderful life is, now you're in the world.

Go Traps!

I am strongly considering moving away from the whole 'Chas Traps' persona, as I feel more and more like myself every day.

Reason Number One: (this might as well be 1a and 1b), is S.Q.(uire), the eclectic-eel herself. Wowee wow wow wow.

Reason Number Two: I don't really feel like I have so much to prove anymore. I mean, granted, there is plenty more to see or do, but I am no longer have the nagging feelings of failure to 'be something' that plagued me throughout all of High School and some of University. I am happy where I am.

Reason Number Three: I want to change it on facebook, but I don't know how.

Reason number...you know what, if I disregard Chas Traps, it will rock the very foundation that I built my blog upon, (a foundation? Moi?) which is basically to lay out my thoughts and feelings in a decidedly non-LJ way, (though I seem to be failing miserably at that, ne c'est pas?)

Basically, it's like this. I am floating, but floating seems to be quite down to earth to me. Go Traps.

Can't nobody hold me down

I've survived the ten days in a row, (wish it were five, as that has a much better ring to it). Next up: five big days off. During that time, I will: not go anywhere near Greg's, abstain from ice cream as if I was lactose intolerlant, (as opposed to generally intolerant), rest my aching and tired wrist, (I know, hahaha, can we move on?), and constrcut new fantasies involving me and Vladdy starring in a Pepsi commercial of our very own. Run!

In the meantime, check out Christo Blanco ----> as my nearest and dearest when I was two years old has started a blog documenting his travels n Peru. It's quite an interesting read, even if I don't understand half the stuff that's going on, which, not incenditally is a comment I hear very often about my own piece of paradise.. and I've got two tickets.

So make sure to holla at your boy, as he's about to take downtime to a whole new level. Keep on rockin' chair.

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

This has been the most miraculous eight days since the oil burned for eight days. The fact that I, Chas Traps, have been able to hold down a paying job, show up on time, (ummmm...mostly), and do a semi-competent job of what I'm being paid to do is nothing short of a miracle.

Big shout out to my ice cream mentor, (with every step I showed a little improvement) S.Q.(quire), for teaching me all that she knows about mixins, actin' all sadlike to get bigger tips, and mixins. That's kind of all that I do. Oh, and milkshakes. My milkshakes really did bring all the boys to the yard. Thanks to K.P. for your five dollar tip. I guess now that Sevdiddy's back, money and sleep are willingly sacrificed without a care in the world.

And big-ups also to Crabu and to Damian, (and Sammy), and to all the people that drop by and make me feel like pthey actually come to see me, (it's for the free ice cream, durg). And of course, a special shout out to my brother who isn't my brother, for reminding me of the Incredibly Black Obese Man, not Incredibly Obese Black Man. And for the Borat. Great success!

How has this post slowly devolved into an Emmy speech. I'd also like to thank the academy. There were a few other events that happened when I wanted to say "this should be a blog post", but then the moment passed. Some of these include: the full story of what happened on the last night of the C.N.E. (I'm still not sure myself), the woman who complained that her ice cream was both 'too small' and 'feel off the cone', (due to the fact that there was too much), the wonderfulness of Jones Soda and the mysteries of G's convenience Store.

I am opening the store tomorrow, (provided I get up, which is no easy feat). During my five days off, I will come up with answers to the following questions:

1. What team am I cheering for during the play-offs this year. I want to say the Angels, but that's just for Vladdy, really I couldn't give a shit about the twenty-four other dudes on the team.

2. Where I am watching the play-offs. Last year's bar rotation of Pauper's, Rowers, my house, and the Whitney common room worked alright after 2003's O'Grady's disaster, but I need a homebase. Can anybody suggest a place with cheap food, plentiful beer, a giant TV screen, and best of all, no hockey? I've already received a plug from the Firkin, but that will forever be my trivia spot. I guess I did watch Game 7 of the NBA Finals there this year, but who really gave a rat's ass about whether the Spurs won their Third championship in Seven or if the Pistons won back to back, or about basketball, period? Nobody But Anthony. I'm not actually sure if Anthony really cares either, but I liked the acronym.

3. Am I going to start lookin' for a supplementary job. The guys who I turned down for Greg's still want me to help out. But is it worth it? I'm afraid I'll make a promise I can't keep and, wait a minute, am I actually being responsible and lookin' out for other people's interests? Workin' has made me soft, yo!

4. Does seeing every South Park episode, especially the baseball episode, and then writing a fifty page paper comparing the nuances of every season compensate for the fact that I'm not in school this year. Whatever, I do what I want!

5. Should I start adding the names of people I've met once, (or fewer), in order to crack 100 friends on facebook. Maybe I should start introducing myself to people and engaging in ten minute conversations so I'll have an excuse to add them later. Yeah, like I don't already do that. Also, shouldn't there be a sublist to add people who aren't your friends, but know who you are and may say hello to you if you walk by, and then a separate list for people who actually know your name? Just asking.

6. Why is everyone always so concerned 'bout numerical order.

14. Should I come up with some sort of zany sign off whilst saying goodbye to people in real life. Like maybe "Until next time, you've been caught....in the traps that is!" and then I'll just do jazz hands a whole bunch until they slowly skulk away.

15. Maybe a blog send-off might be fitting as well. Something like "Send out the clowns" or "When it rains, Chas Traps". I'll come up with sumpin'

Until next time...Keep on rockin' chair

And the Wandering Jew just got grounded

http://http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jsp?ymd=20050914&content_id=1210004&vkey=news_bos&fext=.jsp&c_id=bos

Injured on a home run, no less. He will wander no longer.

You can do better

My wrist and fourth and fifth digits are really sore right now. I know, hahaha, real funny, guess what? It's hard to scoop ice cream eight days in a row. Now I know what carpal tunnel feels like. By the way, has anybody ever been to the cod? It's fantastic!

So I guess there is no need to reiterate, (by the way, if you walked in late, allow me to reiterate,) after a summer of regroupin', I've decided to plunge headlong into the job world. Though I have heard about this concept of 'days off', I have yet to explore them in great detail. And news to you CH, perhaps I can do better, but I'm happy with what I got.

Workin' for tips is remarkable. I should have pursued that waitering thing a long time ago. If I could somehow combine my love of entertaining with my appreciation of food, (unlike Steve Carell's 'waiter who is disgusted by food'), and somehow overcome my spilliness, I'd have a good thing going. Maybe I can do better!

Wow, does the C.N.E. seem like so many lifetimes ago. For those who came to visit me, I thunk you. For those who didn't, rather than ask why not, (maybe you were out of the city / country), here's me in action. Actually, here I'm inactive, but maybe that's because of my half mullet. Thank you, David.




Why do I look so fat in this picture? It's not like I took Weight Gain 5000 to work at the Ex. I'm so confused.

Ch-ch-ch-staying the same

I'm currently feeling quite odd. All my life, I thought change was forward motion. I fought the advances of friends or others who got too close to me, as I did not want them to be able to see through me. But now, I am starting to realize that changing is actually a holding pattern, and what I am really doing is moving closer towards the center of myself.

The preceding paragraph was sponsored by the Chas Traps' society for total nonsense that probably makes little to no sense at all, except maybe to himself.

what am I really trying to say is: I likes me job, I luvs me friends, and I am happy doing simple things, rather than trying to focus on larger issues, like the nature abnd order of the universe, or why Coldplay has become universally accepted as a great band, rather than decried as whiny little shits.

Oh, and don't think I forgot the significance of today's date. Happy 9/11 everyone. Might I suggest celebrating by watching an encore presentation of Team America.

9/11 times 2,346, why that's...I don't even know what that is.

No one does.

McFrosh Week

I am currently typing from the 'dashboard confessional' of Sara Smile. Admittedly, I am her stalker. We met due to the blogosphere, and this indirectly led me to my current employment at Greg's Ice Cream, where I have been working the past five days, four of them under Sara's tuteledge. She's taught me how to clean, count cash, and scoop ice cream, which means only thing: as soon as I'm on my own next week, I won't have a clue where anything goes, and I'm bound to have a register failure, and have to call in reinforcements, (or suffer ignobly). Damn, I can almost see it happening right now.

Anyhoo, the past four days, I have finisher work rully rully late. This has meant one thing: we had to catch on our drinkin' after work. So basically, I have found myself sober at 1 a.m., and blasted at 2 a.m., (and coming down at 3), and inevitably, this has led to some McDonalds soul searching.

I'm not quite sure how I survived four years of University without a t-t-t-twenty four hour McDonalds, but now I seem to be reaqping the benefits. There is nothing like a cheeseburger at 3 a.m., unless it is staying until 5 a.m. and enjoying the first hash brown of the day.

Every night has featured a different eclectic group, but the main hardcores have been myself, Sara, (save for Thursday when she didn't work with me but I came to bother her in WW anyways), Erik Barkel, who has become my Rez connection with the evacuation of JT, and, well, there has been a different supporting cast every night. But once McFrosh Week is over, poof, this new dynamic vanishes, and the only link we will have will be playoff baseball, and if there are conflicting shifts at Greg's...welll...one of us is quttin' and it sure ain't me, (I need all the scratch I can get).

Today we made 12.50 each in tips, which apparently ties the all-time record. I wouldn't know, having only worked for a grand total of five days, but Sara did a summer in the trenches, and this week, this post-summer, pre-fall week has been a financial windfall of sorts. I sure as hell did not see that coming. Whatever. I do what I want. Jew don't know me.

But yeah, this week following working sixteen out of eighteen days at the Canadian National Exhibition has made for one tired Chas Traps. Currently, I am surviving off of Roasted Marshmallow and Guinness stout, (both the beer and the ice cream), but the batteries are currently running out of juice. Perhaps my first day off, which is scheduled for...next Friday! Gawddamn! will provide me with some sort of respite. But until then, I'm goin' to represent the best that I can, and hope that I can survive off my natural 'charm' and 'ability'. Oh, man, am I ever screwed!!!!!

At least I can take comfort in the fact that most of you have school next week, be it the undergrad or post-graduate level, whilst I, Chas Traps, will get to sleep in next Monday, and wallow in my status as partially employed, and 'taking the year off to find myself', (whatever that means). Basically, I won;t have to be a bum and I'll be able to pay for my own drinks now. Also, you know where to find me, (750 Spadina, though it's actually more like Blur Street). Sara's roomies are chattin' about me in the next room and I can hear them, but I won't let it bother me. Whatever, I do what I want. I don't go to school and I kill people. Whatever, I do what I want.

McFrosh Week 2005 4eva.

(continued)

10. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

Tonight, I am happy to report that I finally understand this movie. It's interesting, I thought that I was a shit disturber. I am just a person that cares way too much.

Let things fall where they may.

P.S. If you haven't heard from me, I'll be there soon.

7 reasons why Mean Girls is fantastic

1. It's freakin' hilarious

2. I'm a plastic

3. Gretchen Weiners celebrates Chanukah

4. It features Lindsay Lohan's last performance before becoming a coke whore

5. The diretor's new film features Mark Ruffalo playing the same role he plays in everything, a ghostly Reese Witherspoon, and Napoleon Dynamite playing a role other than Napoleon Dynamite. I predict a disaster. Yet Mean Girls: perfect cast, perfect script. I haven't liked Rachel McAdams in anything other than MG. She was whiny in The Notebook, just seemed to pout a lot in Wedding Crashers, and was less believable than Rob Schneider as The Hot Chick.

6. I met a real-life version of Damian last night: "Oh my God, Danny Devito, I love your work!"

7. Mathletes.

Wake me up

Between trading up prizes, getting cash boxes stolen, Big Mac attacks, hanging out in the next room, (again!), High Fidelity, Alt frosh week honors and the usual assortment of ballgames and broomsticks, my writing has dwindled quite considerably. I choose to rectify this problem, but first, a word from our sponsor, Cap'n Crunch, (note the time and date of this post carefully).