How to cook like a pro

The only true recipe for success is to learn from the best, so with that in mind, I've decided to take a page from the J-Ha Cookbook

First you take one social butterfly (medium size), add a dash of spice, (because she's small), garnish 'liberally' with pleasantries. Make sure to dress it up next to some Bach Choy to make it more attractive and surround with an AEPie crust. Rub its shoulders to marinate and then flamebroil with an I.nfaR.ed cooker, (or a well-positioned candle will do, really). Poof! You've got yourself one popular, (if somewhat bland), dish that will be sure to please everybody, (or will at least try to).

UC how easy that was? Oh, and to guarantee success, be sure to take a picture.


What's cooking, buddy?

Roger....Dodger

The show is well on its way, as long the kitchen sink cast can pull together and co-exist.

Let's see, we've got:

Me. The totalitarian leader, and even though I've got the power, (I've got the power), I would rather sit back and let everyone else come together, (right now. over me.)

T.B. So kind, so sweet. We'll have to change that throughout the course of the rehearsals. She's a sparkplug...

Friend of T.B. Up in the air. Can't tell a thing just yet.

J.A. Hellavu good writer, doesn't want to perform this year. We'll see about that.

Little Chas. The wild card. Great chops, let's see if he can keep his eyez on the prize.

S.I swimsuit edition. He seems to be the rock of the group. He's a Jimmy Fallon for sure, but without the cracking up. Maybe he's more of a Seth Meyers, but not as

H. Potter This one really troubles me. I don't know what to make of it. Could be a great gamble.

Clarkey. Top notch performer, once she's in her element. Kind of like me, (and no, not because we have the same birthday, well maybe a little bit. Okay, a lot.)
NEWSFLASH She's out the door.

Eboniks. I know you're probably reading this, so I'll keep my comments to myself.

The Riz. The big no show. Whither Riz?

Pay the man. He could be a great fit. Or he could be hilarious in rehearsal, and flat on stage. Or he might not even be aware I gave him a poster. Time will tell.

The American Stoner Club. Come back!

The subject of this post. He did a Paul Lynde impression 'Nuff said. Hope he wasn't offended when I said he looked like he was thirty-five. Because he does. This is the one to watch kids, because he we come around, he's going to be seen in an entirely different light. Right know he's a shadow. Still, a prominent shadow.

The Future. A blast from the past becomes the building block of the franchise. Even he doesn't perform this year, he's setting up shop for next year. The eighteen year old Adrian Beltre of the comedy circuit, (Mike, I'm sorry that you won't get that)

Potential wild-cards. The local comic. Also, the facebook comic. No, not that one. The one from Columbia University. Good call to whoever sent me that E-mail. I'm sure gonna fly a guy in once to perform stand-up with a rehearsed troupe. Sigh!

But R.C. Cola. He's a star in the making, and I can say that I've been there before he makes it. That is, I hope that when I say 'makes it', I'm not referring to a letter bomb.

Big-ups!

Big-ups to Kaspar for following in my footsteps (ahem!) and creating his own blog. While it may not create as much a stir in the blogging community as my slice of heaven, I'm anxious to see what the friendly ghost has in store. Stay tuned for the linkage.

Big-ups of course to J.P. His lecture today was concise, and featured two classic J.P. moments. The first of which consisted of him trying to remember the name of a woman at the University who had written on trauma. Having forgotten her name, he made some sort of high-pitched hummingbird-like sound, then said that the name slipped his mind, and that this was a part of his trauma. It was a strange moment, uncanny even. The second of the J.P.isms occured when he described how modern romance novels descended from gothic fiction. He then recalled how a woman across from him on the subway was reading a book called "The Time Traveller's Wife" and he surmised that perhaps the time-traveller went back in time in order to leave his wife, and then gave the class a knowing wink. Good show, J.P. He also told us that he has a recurring fantasy, one that is 'short and boring', but he wouldn't go on to describe it in detail. Damn!

Big-ups to C.B. and R.R., even though they haven't updated recently. Also to M.A. (or is it still M.B.?) who can't post comments for some reason, and basically took me to task in the football play-off pool. I can't believe that I didn't pick a single game winner! Maybe I can get a job in Vegas a la William Macy in that movie The Cooler, which I originally thought was about Willy and Alec Baldwin playing competing icebox salesmen in a nod to Glengarry Glen Ross, which, come to think of it, would be a fantastic movie. Fuck the gambling then, I am going to be a screenwriter! I'll dust off the career-making Czechmate becomes a Stalemate and finally make that U of T all-porno that has been in the works since second year. Also, Siamese Connection is now a go, since I picked up the title card from that worksite, and M.A. is flush from his play-off winnings and can now easily fund the film. Big-ups! Though I'm still sad he didn't find any conjoined honeys in the West Bank. How about this? Siamese twins on either side of the border...at the same time! That's Oscar material right there.

Speaking of...Big-ups for Clive Owen and Natalie Portmanteau getting nominated for Closer, the best movie I saw all of last year that didn't feature Girls who were Mean. I hope that Natalie and Clive win big, but personally I think that Owen has the better shot, because N.P. hasn't really been in any great movies. My friend Karthig is having a seizure right now, as he thinks that she is fantastic and gorgeous, (the subject for a future post), but really, how many great movies has she been in other than Closer...umm...that would be none. Sure, she was wonderfully cast as a Kabuki doll in the shitty cash-grabs known as Star Wars 1 and 2, but other than that, what? Mars Attacks? Oh, and before you get on me and say Garden State, let me sheepishly admit that I haven't seen it yet. I have receieved wildly mixed reviews and my brother judged it to be a 'chick flick', (Zack Braff backlash, perhaps?) I heard from others who enjoyed its Indie Rock soundtrack, (except for Coldplay...boo!) and still others who said it was a modern day The Graduate. I think that I'll be firing up the Rogers on Demand for this one, a feature that I have only used in the past for such fine films as The Butterfly Effect, (which I will devote an entire post to the future, let's just say for now that it had great potential), The Girl Next Door, which I have forgotten already, Super Size Me, which made me hungry for a Big Mac, and The Stepford Wives, which was okay I guess, because Christopher Walken played himself.

Where was I, again? Oh yeah, Clive Owen. Well, he hasn't been really been in any mainstreamers, save for King Arthur, which I dismissed on principle for being an Antoine Fuqua 'film' and I still rmeember the suckage that was The Replacement Killers, (which I guess wasn't any worse with that film that had Jet Li and Stifler. Anyways, King Arthur featured Keira Knightly as Guinevere, which will probably work for Owen's advantage, since she looks EXACTLY LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN. Plus, Owen's got that disaffected Birt thing going on, and it was made clear in the strip club scene that Clive Owen was the soul, (or lack of one) in the film. How it missed out not only on Best Picture but on Screenplay as well, is a mystery I will never solve. Also, I like Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine, but only because she'll probably keep doing these quirky movies where she takes her clothes off for no reason, while Hilary Swank will have one of the least distinguished film careers ever for someone who has won two Oscars for leading roles. Really, if you create the pantheon of great actresses, will Hilary Swank even be allowed to see the exhibit? Please, she was Beverly Hills 90210...in the years when it started to suck. Where's Joe E. Tata been lately? Or Brain Austin Green? Or Luke Perry, other than on Oz, which was creepy. Meanwhile, Kate is great, and she'll probably lose to Hilary Stank. Oh well. Maybe my Oscar picks will be as successful as my Super Bowl picks.

There is one more Big-Up that I wanted to address earlier, and that's mid-90s dubbed Jackie Chan sock-a-thons. Did an actor's stock ever fall so far and so fast? I remember going to see Rumble in the Bronx in the Hyland Theatre, (now there's a piece of history) and everyone was going nuts in the audience. Every fight scene, every badly dubbed piece of dialogue, the crowd ate it up! That and Mortal Kombat are the two greatest memories I have of audience participation in the theatre. Wow, I feel old. First Strike and Mr. Nice Guy were also pleasant diversions, but the formula got a little stale. So they, (and by they, I am referring to the movie gods, bear with me, will ya?) flew Jackie to Hollywood, put him in a formula movie with Chris Tucker, and then what? Shitty action comedies with Luke Wilson and J.L.H. have put Jackie firmly into coast mode. He's got so much talent, but what's Hollywood done with him? Nada. Here's an idea. Why not pair Jackie with Sam Jackson, and leave the direction to McG and cast some generic European to play the baddie. Strap in Franka Potente as the love interest for either actor, add a slamming techno/nu metal soundtrack and some sort of ridiculous plot point, (e.g. Jackie is a retired criminal now posing as a janitor or is Sam is blind, but somehow gets his sight back for ten seconds a day) and bam! you've got your new franchise wherein so much talent is wasted, but the coast is clear. Are you listening, Joel Silver?

Big-ups!

Behold, the ultimate compliment

J.P. said that despite this class being much larger than the two others, therefore my participation decreased, that I was 'lookin' good'. Aww yeah!

Stay tuned for my details of my psycho-socio-analysis of Bob Dylan's 'Blonde on Blonde', which will unofficially serve as my undergraduate thesis at U of T. I've come a long way, baby.

By the way, Huey, Louie and Dewey as precursors of Blanket Jackson? Brilliant observation.

Scrooge McDuck

I mean, is it that he did not trust banks, or did he just enjoy diving into large piles of money?

That quacks me up

Apologies to all...

Okay, the facebook referral was kind of self-serving, and I guess the hip-hop lyrics were written just for me. I guess it's time to go back to Dr. Pat

I have to admit that I was a little out of it on Thursday, but he did pull off a great story about how cell phones are little fetishes. He went on to talk about how his office is really dreary, (but just the outside of it), and how he heard someone talking really loudly outside his office. He poked his head outside the door, (a funny image itself), and to his chagrin he found some guy talking on his cell phone. Then he went on to talk about how nice it is that everybody carries around their fetishes with them, and how he wished that he had a device like that when he was growing up that he could get himself off with.

Oh, that Professor P.


Still, Soup Club. You don't talk about Soup Club? Try the veal?

Soup Club

Check my brand new facebook entry for the story behind Soup Club.

Should I, Chas Traps, shake it like...

1. A polaroid picture
or
2. A salt shaker.

I wanted to say Salt Shaker, but due to the slang translation that I found, I think that it's only for girls:

Shawty crunk on the floor wide open
Skeet so much they call her Billy Ocean
Roll like a 18-wheeler
That hoe fine, but this hoe a killa'
She leakin', she soakin' wet
She leakin', soakin' wet
Shake it like a Salt Shaker!

What does that mean, you ask? Thanks, translation website:

Shawty - attractive girl
Crunk - wild: this word comes from crazy + drunk
Skeet - normally used for male ejaculate, but since it's used about a woman here, it means vaginal wetness and indicates (as do the following words) that she is sexually excited
Billy Ocean - (play on words) a pop star of the 80s. There's no connection with his music - it just means her vagina is as wet as the ocean
18-wheeler - a big truck
That hoe fine, but this hoe a killa' - that woman is attractive but this one is super attractive
She leakin', she soakin' wet - she's very sexually excited
Shake it like a salt shaker! - Shake your hips

If only I knew this when I heard the song played like six times on the way from Buffalo to Toronto. Stay tuned tomorrow for part two of the translations.

The Uncanny Professor

J.P. was in fine form today discussing his favorite subject.

This is my favorite anecdote from today, (and there were quite a few) : "I realize that I have two first names. You know the age that boys are the same age as girls, but the girls are much older? You know, Grade 8, 6, 7? The girls are much smarter than the boys, and are always looking for older men. The boys eventually catch up to them, (smiles, chuckles to himself, shaks his head). Anyways, there was this real asshole on the playground. He used to break my name up into four words; he was a sort of playground deconstructionist, (smiles, titters from the class). He used to call me Julie Ann Pat and Ricky. He would completely feminize my name. Talk about being castrated!"

Okay, how about one more:

"Look at the person next to you. No, go on, really look at them, (I glance at the girl next to me. She looks mortified). Imagine that they are not themselves, that they are a clone. Now, you might have known them your life, (as I think that I've 'known' her a few seconds), but they are not really theselves. They have been taken over by an invasion of the body snatchers! (he really shouted those last few words)." I believe that this was his defintion of the uncanny.

Also, there was a somewhat confusing story about his daughter who is not clingy seeing the movie Signs with him on account of someone in his class telling him to see it. He said that he wouldn't see any more movies by that asshole actor. What's his name? Mel Gibson, (agreed, but let's move on). Anyways, his seven year old daughter became traumatized by this movie, (while his older son, who is clingy, had a riot), and she could not sleep alone at night for two years. This was somehow related to her listening to Harry Potter on CD, becoming deaf when she got the flu, and something about Shaun of the Dead, which he asked everyone, well not everyone, but specific people if they had seen, and then he proceeded to walk like a zombie, (or at least, I think he did. I haven't seen the movie) Maybe that's why I din't undertsand the story.

Oh, there are probably more that will come to me. I saw him before class walking up the stairs, and he asked me where my friend was. In truth, she hasn't shown up all semester, but I met her in his class, as she kept trying to resist Freud, (oh did I mention that it's a Freud class. Cause it is), and I kept affirming Freud, (cause he's awesome). He said that she must have done poorly on the exam, an exam that he will likely never return to us.

J.P. is just a fascinating Professor, and I could fill many an entry with his musings. I should start bringing a tape recorder to class, and maybe setting up some sound files of him lecturing. These moments are few, and they must be preserved!

He concluded by saying that reading is uncanny. I am not really sure what uncanny means, despite his brilliant lecture, (he really was in top form). I assume it has something to do with the Body Snatches, but I guess I'll find out on Tuesday.

Tomorrow is Adele's first class with me and Kundera. I hope I steered her in the right direction by insisting that she take this course.

Boy, the days of suffering through Contemporary Continental Philosophy and the Professor's Postmodern Post-feminist Post-Interesting bullshit seems likes another time.

It was a different time, actually.

We're off the see the Wizard in an entirely new light

Who is Dorothy searching for in The Wizard of Oz?

Her father, of course. But he turns out to be a deadbeat dad. Also, Miss Gulch is her slutty mother, and Toto is her hymen. Eventually, Dorothy Gale will go crazy and quite possibly kill herself. Either way she will go over the rainbow and see The Dark Side of the Moon.

It's all in the text, people!

The inevitable blog posting that will make me sound all emo and shit, but really I am a happy guy and have no desire to drown myself in my feelings

Due to events of the past few days, (revisiting my past and whatnot, through e-mail and surprise visits and chance meetings, I feel like I'm transitioning into a new life. However, I don't yet know what that new life is. I'll let you know when I'm there. Alls I know is that I am happy, but happiness is not acquired, mostly just felt.

Damn, that was kind of emo.

Re-view

Man, I wish I had some sort of camera that I could turn on myself at all times.

I always think that I look fabulous, (except for the times when I feel shitty), and then I see the pictures which tell a remarkably different story.

Oh, and my Freud class is wonderful, my professor awesome, saying the most random things, day after day, in a sort of muttering fashion. Today's gem, other than "My friend was embarassed that he had five siblings. The idea of his parents copulating six times disgusted him. He had no idea of human normalcy", which in itself is fantastic, was "People still argue about the existence of fossils at the dinner table in Canada. At least, I do". Where to go from there?

Although his comment about being a baby's mother still cannot be topped for its weirdness. He said it so definatly, as if to challenge us in our postmodern film class. Boy, was that a long silence.

Really makes you think about what is important in life

I think that it is very kind and sweet for the world to partake in a national day of mourning for Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. It is a shock to all of us, and I offer my condolences to anybody that was affected by the tragedy. If only there was a way to donate money to ensure that such a cataclysmic event will never occur again.

Acquiantance to Many, Friend to None

Who does he roll with?

And Guest Starring Chas Traps as 'Himself'

So normally I love these hour-long legal dramas, but not really legal dramas. My two favorites are CSI, (I know, that makes me incredibly commonplace, but it's just good storytelling!) and Law and Order: SVU, (the original has waaay too many episodes about the mob. Plus I miss Mr. Big).

As luck would have it, I was able to catch Law and Order: SVU at seven on Omni 1, (is that even a channel?) and then I watched CSI at eleven on Showcase, (still very much a channel). I hadn't seen either episode before, which is rare, because they air on CTV, and then on CTV Calgary, and CTV Victoria etc. they are repeated some twenty times more on speciality channels. So imagine my surprise when I saw my favorite confused heartthrob Paul Denton from Rules of Attaction featured on both episodes!

Of course, Ian Somerhalder now stars on the show Lost, which I assume is about Gilligan or something, only sexier! But in TV Land, he was fresh off his stint as Paul Denton and played two very dissimliar characters on both shows, yet they were both essentially variations of the Paul Denton character, (his blue eyes and dark hair make for a very convincing creep).

Though here is the problem with both shows, and all of these crime shows in general. Anytime you cast Somerhalder, or Adam Goldberg or Kyle MacLachlan or French Stewartor basically anybody that is 1. recognizable 2. kind of creepy or especially 3. recognizable as creepy, you are basically giving away whodunnit, thereby negating the suspense of the show. For example, SVU cast MacLachlan in what appeared to be a small role, but the minute I saw Trey MacDougal, (jeez, I'm really on a Sex and the City kick today), you know that the central plot is going to revolve around him. Every time these shows cast guest stars with a pulse, they obviously intend for them to flex their acting chops.

My suggestion of these two venerable franchises is not to dispense with the stunt casting, but to throw us a curveball now and then. Perhaps CSI could make do with a Tim Curry guest spot, but have him play a corpse, (or better yet, the corpse of a sweet transvestite). Maybe Law and Order can feature Tom Sizemore, but in a completely anticlimatic red herring role, (perhaps as a guy who helps out and then is not seen again). C'mon people! You constrcut all of these completely original suspense-filled episodes, (or work from some sort of template) and then cast Jason Ritter 'incidentally'. Of course the tension is going to wear off!

Oh and fun fact! After Ian Somerhalder's appearance on SVU, Shannyn Sossamon, the lovely Lauren Hynde from Rules of Attraction took her turn on the show, and thnakfully did not play the prime suspect, although she basically played a knock-off of here movie role. And the NYU film student who seduces her in the movie is played by Eric Szmanda, who plays the lab tech Greg on CSI! And they will probably soon be joined by Kevin Bacon!

What is this, Six Degrees of Creepiness or something?

Where in the World?

I will never watch Carmen Sandiego again, as answers are verified by National Geographic World, (National Geographic World). I sure wish I could have gotten that set of encylopedias though.

I don't know whether I endorse this or not, but it is sure is interesting: http://www.arabian-gulf.tk/

The Book of Laughter and For Getting

What course should I take next semester?

Option one: A fourth year Kundera seminar, which is bound to be educational, deep, and all that other nonsense. Also, this course will feature: a profound amount of work, surly, know-it-all grad students, and the impossibility of receiving an A.

Option two: I dunno. A course in nose-pickin' or something.

Suggestions?