Caught in the Traps

I had a dream

2008-04-01T02:06:00.005-04:00

A pale white man dark-haired man appears alone in a garish set. This is an informercial-type seeting, but with no audience. The man is wearing a garish argyle cape. He laughs and then speaks.

"Hello friends. My name is Vladimir. But unlike the Vladimir who swings a bat, I am famous for turning into a bat. I am here to talk to you about a problem that I have been having lately. You see, I like to think of myself as a pretty healthy guy. I've been on earth for a long time. I get plenty of sleep during the day, and I am active during the night. I make sure to avoid garlic and steaks, and I drink plenty of water, as long as its not holy. But I had been feeling pretty rundown. I felt undead inside. I've been coffin a lot too. Maybe drinking blood just isn't as invigorating as it was 400 years ago. So I've invented a subsitute, a plasma energy drink, if you will. It's called Blood Red Bull. It will instill you with new energy, satisfy your craving for flesh, (no bull, it is made of bull) and most importantly Blood Red Bull will give you wings. Order in the next thirty minutes, and you will receieve a customized gold-plated Magic Bullet. I can't stand Silver Bullets. Make sure to set up an online acCount, as I can ship an order anywhere from Transylvania to Pennsylvania to Great Neck."

An offscreen voice says "This ad will be airing all night, as part of a series of Vampire Weekend Infomercials. Stay tuned for other new products like Nosferatuna - extremely high in mercury! "

Stiller Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

2008-03-14T22:13:00.003-04:00

So there's these two guys, and they need to make a porno version of Meet the Fockers. I don't know why, but they want to capitalize on its growing popularity. So they film it, and it basically looks like Meet the Fockers - only pornier. So now all they have to do is think of a porn title. Now porn titles ripping off movies should sound like the movie, only a little bit different. So they think and think, and one guy says "I've got it - it's similar, but more graphic", and he tells the other guy, and the other guy says "That's brilliant, it's almost the same but different".

So the movie comes out and is a big hit, and everyone thanks the guy who came up with "Meat the Fockers". The end.

Writing is hard. I actually posted first on my fake lj before doing this one. I'm dry.

The Imperfect Storm

2007-12-17T22:57:00.001-05:00

Geez, I haven't written in so long that all of my previous post's links are dead. I haven't written in so long that when I last posted the Red Sox hadn't won a World Series in almost three years! I haven't written in so long, that the last time I wrote, the Patriots were undefeated. Ummmm, that's the same. But everything else is different. Well, not really.

I know what I am going to do with my life. Needless to say, it was the role that I was born to play. Perhaps I'll talk about it more in the future, and perhaps I won't. It's good. I got an offer to work at Gen Academy over Christmas Break. They still want me to work there? It's good to know that I am still wanted in a job where I couldn't stand commuting. Considering that now I go to almost all corners of the city, and I am still not sick of that....well, talk to me in four months time.

It's funny. I (we) spend all of winter, (November, early December and April included), looking forward to summer. In the meantime, we give ourselves winter highlights to look forward to, (Olympics, Super Bowl, Oscars, Valentine's Day, Sara's Birthday, One Tree Hill season premiere, MLB trades, Groundhog Day, the movie Groundhog Day, ANTM Cycle ten). Okay, perhaps your list is a little bit different. But when summer finally rolls around, all we hear about is hockey playoffs, movies that end in 'three' or 'the third' or 'Ultimatum' that I don't see and reality shows starring washed-up tennis stars. Then we're like, 'we waited six months for this'? Then winter starts again, and we're once again looking forward to summer, or looking back to summer.

Actually, that's a lie. Summer rules. And no, I am not talking about the character on the O.C. because she went from foxy Adam Brody to Hayden not the girl from Heroes. Did I just call Adam Brody foxy? Ugh. Maybe I was thinking that his show was on Fox. Yeah, that must be it. Where was I? Oh yeah, summer rules and winter drools. And even though I want to pretend otherwise, there is no contest. Although it was nice that the bus driver stopped right in front of my street because the stop was overrun with snow. Still, did you see the football stadiums on Sunday? And there are people who look forward to this season? Bah, humbug.

Blah Blah Blog

2007-08-16T23:44:00.000-04:00

I want to go back to school, (or should I say 'I went too go back, to school', nah, that's lame.) However, I am having a hard time deciding where to go, and for what. Today, I scratched Centennial College off the list. There is no particular reason why, as Centennial was very helpful and they had a well-maintained website, but I just wasn't getting a good vibe from the whole experience. They might be a wonderful school, and I am missing out, but I am willing to take that risk and explore other things. Really, Centennial, it's not you, it's me.

Also, I am trying to find another job to do in the interim. So basically it's like this - I am right back to square one, (and I don't mean the mall or the children's TV show, look 'em up if you have to). I don't mind being at square one, I just wish that some time soon I can be at square two. Or perhaps even square one point five. I guess that I could say [-] 1.5, but I don't want to. Besides, that looks more like a Rubik's Cube than a square, and really, who digs the decimals? Not me.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Conor sent me a YouTube clip of Alec Baldwin parodying Glengarry Glen Ross on Saturday Night Live. I dug it, and it led me to this one. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Z4vpT4UrY1M I normally think that the digital shorts are way overrated, and the ending kind of doesn't support the skit, but it makes me laugh so hard for some reason. Watch it and tell me why. And also, tell me what I should do. Or better yet, suggest lightly what I should do. Would you say that you are the highly suggestible type? Yes, I would say that. It's like poker, and I am looking for tells. William Tells. Telluride. Penn and Tell(er)s. Go Tells it on the Mountain. Tel(l)us.

Return of the Traps

2007-08-09T17:29:00.000-04:00

I'm ready to start on a new tangent, but I am not sure that I am ready to make this a baseball blog. So I'm going back to my bread and butter - me. I'll blog about myself, and that's all.

Today's entry - I'm not into fighting with people, even though I was always sure that I was.

Tomorrow's entry - I'm going to taste the Danforth.

Saturday's entry - baseball game?

Sunday's entry - More tasting of the Danforth, even if my students don't come with me.

Monday's entry - We'll see.

Unsexiest Female Celebs #1! - Pamela Anderson

2007-06-30T16:20:00.001-04:00

I'm living on the run, and looking out for number one. I guess that there is a theme, so Pamela Anderson doesn't have to feel as though she is alone. I suppose that it could have been any of the Barbie Girls. If you really don't enjoy the Pamela Principle, then how about Jenna Jameson? Or perhaps Anna Nicole Smith, who would have topped the list as the first dead celebrity? Or maybe even Barbie herself, as her proportions have repeatedly been tried to be replicated by real woman, to the effect that they become unreal women. In any case, Pamela Anderson serves to embody the Human Barbie Doll Syndrome, HBDS, as well as anyone else, as she is an excellent choice for number one. Don't believe me, look here: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/tlg/361050593.html

I guess that it's a bunch of things that makes Pamela Anderson the perfect choice. Let's start with her looks. when she was discovered at a B.C. Lions game (!) wearing a Labatt's t-shirt. I don't think that I am necessarily the best judge of this, but a young Pamela Anderson was not bad-looking. Yet, she only became famous when she puffed up her breasts, dyed her dark hair blonde, got a bunch of other plastic surgery, took her clothes off, starred in a sex tape, spoke in a comically high voice and slept with a bunch of celebrities. The last few traits aren't exactly 'Barbie'like, but it confirms that Pamela Anderson is essentially, a human doll, perhaps of the blow-up variety.

Because really, when it comes to actually doing anything, is there anything that Pamela Anderson can be proud of? Home Improvement? She didn't do anything on the show, and still got replaced. Baywatch? Only achieved cult-like status because of the 'Hoff. well, maybe Pam had something to do with it. V.I.P.? N.O. The Nanny? Okay, perhaps. Barb Wire? I'd rather get electrocuted. Stacked? Pamela Anderson working in a bookstore? As if. Apparently, she wrote a book, but I doubt that she ever put pen to page. Scary Movie 3? She played a joke version of herself. And did that badly, too. Borat? Apparently, she was in the joke, but the joke only succeeded because she is such a horrible actress.

I don't know how I got to talking about Pamela Anderson's acting merits. Don't you see? What she actually does for a career is irrelevant. She is only famous for two reasons: Pancho and Lefty. And really, who wants to even look at those anymore? Plus, even her humanitarian work turns me off. How can somebody so famous for being a piece of meat be against people eating meat? It doesn't make sense. Then there's the fact that she got Hepatitis from sharing tattoo needles. Then there's the fact that she has tattoos in the first place, specifically a barb wire tattoo, (now the movie title make sense!) I don't know what is grosser: Hepatitis or tattoos. Probably the latter. Oh yeah, and she married Kid Rock for like, a week. Only God Knows Why.

But the real reason why Pamela Anderson deserves this title is because of the timeliness of this blog post. See, that's why I stretched out this list. I had a plan all along! Tomorrow is Canada Day. It is birthday number 140 for our country. This was Pamela Anderson's first claim to fame. She was born on the Centennial of July 1, 1967, and she was reported to be the first baby born on the Centennial in Canada, (since proven false). That's right, ladies and gentlemen Tomorrow, Pamela Anderson, or what is left of Pamela Anderson turns forty, and she will be the first ever forty-year-old Human Barbie Doll, (Anna Nicole Smith died at thirty-nine, but was five months younger than Pam.) That's right, it is a time of rebirth in our country, (and I guess in America as well, as Pam is now an American citizen). Either Pam continues to embody the desire for fake-looking women, with unreal chests, hair and god knows what else, or we move on to women who actually look like women. The Barbie Doll has been around for almost fifty years, and we still think women who change themselves to look like a three-dimensional plastic doll are sexy. it's time to change the paradigm. Sadly, I am sure that new Human Dolls will come along to take the place of the Human Barbie Dolls, like Human Bratz Dolls or Human Pussycat Dolls. Sadly, this will not be a step forward. Don'tCha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? No, actually I don't. The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll yielded a sassy, (which is a polite word for bitchy) eighteen year old mother, who looked like she was wearing her older sister's clothes. Asia was in all senses of a words, a true pussycat doll.

So that's the list, and as always, if you disagree, make your case, and I'll see if I can fit in a runner-up slot for your choice. But until then, I am going to have to find something else to write about. Have a happy Canada Day / Pamela Anderson's birthday. C'mon Barbie, Let's go party.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - More Runners-Up

2007-06-18T22:36:00.002-04:00

The stars of Look Who's Talking - Kirstie Alley makes it on as a natural woman, or at least, what is left of her. It's amazing that she seemed to be more attractive as a fat woman than what she looks like now. She just looks evil. As for John Travolta, well, have you seen the previews for Hairspray? She / He looks awful, and that's enough to qualify him / her as an unsexy female celebrity. At least, it almost qualifies him. To be a man and make the unsexy female celebrities list, you have to be an Italian soccer player.

Harisu - This is an interesting one. Harisu is a transgendered Korean pop singer / model /actress. She changed her name to Harisu because it sounds like 'hot issue'. Everybody at my school thinks that she is absolutely disgusting, (students, administrators, everyone). I think that he / she looks not entirely terrible for a woman who used to be a man, and either I am more liberal than the people that disagree, or this really says something about me. I'll go with the former.

Venus / Serena Williams - Personally I think that they are both pretty gross, with their masculine bodies, but they are actually much better looking than Amelie Mauresmo, a French tennis player, and yes, a lesbian. Somehow I feel wrong for saying this, but it's true. Amelie Mauresmo is in no way sexy, and just because she's a lesbian, I don't think that I should give her a 'let'. Yes, that was a tennis 'joke'. Clearly, I have no 'love' for Amelie Mauresmo, even though she came 'out'. Advantage - Me.

Every WNBA player - I can think of only one arenas where alliteration is the norm- the WNBA, (Lisa Leslie, Sheryl Swoopes, Tina Thompson, Cynthia Cooper to name but a few). The WNBA is filled with giant athletic women, who (surprise!) are not hot. Even Juwanna Mann looked better than these female ballers. I know what you are thinking - Amazonian black and white women grunting and fighting over loose balls, how can that not be awesome? Yet, it somehow isn't. However, I commend Sheryl Swoopes for coming out, basically making her the biggest name athlete in team sports to come out, (at least until Alex Rodriguez decides that he is tired of living a lie).

Maybe I will stop with five(ish) today - boy, do I sense a theme in these posts? maybe I should scrap my whole concept, and instead write philosophical blog posts about the nature of humanity, and what it truly means to be male and female, straight and gay. Or perhaps not.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - The Runners-Up

2007-06-17T23:49:00.001-04:00

When making a list (and checking it twice), having to count backwards is difficult. So there are many times when I have considered a celebrity for the list, and reconsidered them to be not famous or unsexy enough. There were other times when I forgot a celebrity entirely, and by the time I thought of them, I was already too high to put them in a lofty spot that they didn't deserve. So here is a partial list of unsexy celebs that could have easily made the list but didn't. You know what? I stand by my choices, but if there is anybody you think deserves to be bumped from the list by any of these unlovelies, make your case to me and I might reconsider.

Julia Roberts - Really, isn't that just kicking a woman while she's down. After going through men like they were accessories, she's finally settled down and had some kids. So she's not really in the public eye anymore. Plus, she hasn't been a movie that I can remember since Closer, (and no, Ocean's Twelve doesn't count). However, she is a friend of George Clooney's, but I just picked on him in the Angelina post. Still Julia, I think that your brother Eric is much hotter. Sorry. Where are you going? Don't runaway!

Jennifer Wilbanks - Who the f is she? The real runaway bride! Remember the infamous mugshot? For those who don't remember, Jennifer Wilbanks disappeared before her wedding, and pretended that she was abducted by a Hispanic man. Police realized that she was lying because after reviewing the evidence, they remembered that Hispanic men rock, and white people suck. Oh wait, that just applies to baseball players. Anyways, she lied about being kidnapped to delay her wedding, which is pretty sleazy. But still, I don't want to glorify her celebrity, even if she is unsexy. Pass.

Tyra Banks - I told you long ago that I fear for my life if I ever called Tyra unsexy. Still, she looks like a Pirate. Or Homer Simpson. there, I said it. Please don't hurt me.

Women who look really old (Famke Janssen, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith and Maggie Gyllenhaal) - Let's play guess your age! Famke, you may have just turned 42 on November 5th, (neat birthday, said BoA, Bill Walton, Peter Noone, Art Garfunkel, Ike Turner, Tatum O'Neal, Sam Rockwell, Ryan Adams and Bryan Adams, [I did not make this up!], Jonny Greenwood, Jerry Stackhouse, Javy Lopez, Johnny Damon and a ton of others), but you still look 420. Maybe you can use some of your X-Men powers to make yourself look younger. You are no Dutch Treat. Sorry Kevin Smith, I know that a hot woman likes you, but she seems to be a lot older than 36. Maybe she aged prematurely when you convinced her to name your daughter after a Batman villain, or when you directed her to make out with Dante in Clerks II, or maybe when you got on top. Hey, I'm mean! I like Kevin Smith! But seriously, your wife is 63. Maggie, my dear, I didn't realize that you came from such a noble Swedish family. But there is nothing Sweetish or noble about your appearance. You look sixty, you act sixty, and even your first name is sixty. Plus your political activism doesn't fool me, as I know that you wouldn't actually attend an anti-war demonstration, as your walker would probably get trampled on. Do you want to know what is stranger than fiction? The fact that you get cast as young love interests. Casting you in the Batman movie makes sense, as Batman has always been something of a closet case. Secretary? More like Retirement Party! At the risk of making World Trade Centre jokes, I will say this - Your face collapsed a long time ago. Mona Lisa Smile? More like Mona Lisa frown. Sadly, this means that every single credited star of that movie either made the list or was a runner-up. No wonder they didn't put capital letters on the movie poster.

Winona Ryder - Somebody must have stolen her spot.

Leah Miller - MuchMusic VJ. Does VJ stand for Very Jagged? As in her Jagged face? Check it out, it seems like you would cut yourself on it. Her boyfriend Dallas Green, (and what kind of name is that), is the lead singer of Alexisonfire. It looks like Leah Miller would be more attractive if she was on fire. Literally.

Janet Jackson - ABsolutely disgusting. I would say that the reason Janet Jackson didn't make the list, is that compared to the rest of her family, she looks average. Compared to the rest of the world, though, Miss Jackson is nasty, and not in the good sense. Wardrobe malfunction? Don't forget your face and body malfunction as well. Next!

Sandra Bullock - Mandra Bullock. Even Craig Bullock is sexier than you are, (note - the preceding joke will only be funny to Sara Quinn. And perhaps not even to her.) On a completely unrelated note, I just wanted to write down that Sara Quinn is very attractive. Hot. Whereas Sandra Bullock is Not. The Lake House? More like the Ache House. As in, that movie made me ache, and not just because of the convoluted plot. It was because I had to look at you and Keanu, and it made my eyes ache. And no, this wasn't because it was a Chinatown DVD. Have you ever noticed that so many of Sandra Bullock's movies involve vehicles crashing or people getting run over? The Lake House of course, (whoops! Hope you saw it!), but also While You were Sleeping, Speed, Speed 2: Cruise Control, (I assume) Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, (I hope!), Forces of Nature, (thanks for letting me know, Sara!) and of course, Crash. Add this to the fact that her husband makes motorcycles for a living, and this furthers my speculation that Sandra Bullock will involved in some sort of automobile or similar accident in the next few years. Hey, at least it wouldn't make her look any worse...

So yeah, in conclusion, I am a mean girl. But no Rachel McAdams on this list either. Ryan Gosling will have to be content with the fact that ex-girlfriend Sandra Bullock made the list. What was he, ten and she fifty when they started going out? Sounds like a psychology experiment dealing with sexual peaks. Gross, I just thought about Ryan Gosling and Sandra Bullock in regards to sexual peaks. I am going to runner (over there and throw) up my dinner.

Stay tuned for number one.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #2 Angelina Jolie

2007-06-17T13:03:00.000-04:00

How much do I hate Angelina Jolie? Well, let's just say that I am not feeling very jolly about her. In fact, it seems to be the noble lie in society that if anybody is constructing a list of the hottest women, that Angelina Jolie's name has to be on the list. She is loved by straight men, gay women, straight women, and let's assume that gay men like her too. she is universally acknowledged as attractive by almost everyone except for Chas Traps, (and Jennifer Aniston. And Sara Quinn. And I'm guessing George Clooney, more on that later).

What is it about Angelina Jolie that everybody finds so fresh and exciting? Is it the fact that she does not get along with her father? Ooohhhh rebellious! Her thirteen exotic tattoos? Oooohhhh rebellious...and yet rather conformist. Is it the fact that she wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood in a vial? Oooohhhhh disgusting! Or the fact that she had that interview where they admitted that they just had sex on the limo? Oooohhhhh Willy Rob! Is it the fact that she might be bisexual? Oooohhhh experimental! Or is it her towering height? Ooohhhh, she's only 5'8'! Ooooohhhh, let's get away from this Ooohhhh format.

Here are some other reasons why people might consider Angelina Jolie attractive: Her position a as Goodwill Ambassador to the United Nations, (isn't that the same position that Ginger Spice had?), her many adopted children, (is she sexy because she adopted Cambodian and Vietnamese children? That seems strange.) Maybe it is because of her charity work, (did people find Mother Teresa sexy?), or because of her unique appearance, (personally I think that she looks exactly like her brother James, and there is nothing sexy about him. Remember when they made out at the Oscars? Yeah, everybody seems to forget about that now. That was a creepy moment.) Maybe she is sexy because her children have unique names, just like their mother. (Is a strange name sexy? Hey, it worked for Conan!) Perhaps Angelina is sexy because she revealed that she is into S & M. (That works for me. If I saw Angleina Jolie, I would slap her too.)

Wait a minute. Doesn't Angelina Jolie have a real job? Isn't she, you know, like an actress or something, (also a model, but try explaining that to me.) Quick, name three Angelina Jolie movies that didn't suck! Name three Angelina Jolie movies period! I thought so. Alexander?
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider? The Good Shepherd? Those are probably the most famous, but I haven't seen 'em, nor have I ever wanted to see 'em. Also, for somebody so into 'humanitarian' causes, she has been in a lot of movies not fit for humans. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Shark Tale, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Original Sin, and a bunch of others that I've never heard of? This is our most famous living actress? Plus she was in a bunch of other movies I've never heard of, and I don't really want to figure out why. Maybe the movies that she met her boyfriends / husbands were so amazing, that they dwarf all the others. Let's see - Hackers, Pushing Tin, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. No, no and no. Hackers, air traffic controllers and assassins. Oh my!

As far as I can see, there are above all, two reasons why Angelina Jolie is considered attractive: Her lips, and Brad Pitt. But those are both gross reasons.

As for the first one, I get it, she has giant, bee-stung lips, and every women in the world wants to get collagen injections to look like Angelina Jolie. I get it, big lips are sexy. But Canadian Hurdler Perdita Felicien also possesses large lips, (plus she has a unique name, taken from a contestant on The Price is Right. Is she considered to be the height of beauty? I think not. And why is that? Why is something sexy in one case, but not in the other?) I also feel that Angelina Jolie's lips are far too disproportionate, and couple with her angular face, creating a weird looking woman. She is almost witchlike in her appearance. No, I am not bewitched by her.

Oh, and as for Brad Pitt. Well, I think I said it best when I was watching Thelma and Louise. More like Bad Pitt! Yes, it took me forty minutes to come up with that line. It's strange that for somebody who has such a unique appearance, she is famous for her relationship with such a normal, (read, boring) celebrity. Maybe her weirdness and his boringness cancel each other out, and they meet somewhere in the middle. But i can't figure it out. If they are so in love, then why did they deny even being together for so long? Was this to protect Jennifer Aniston's feelings? Or was this as to not offend Brad Pitt's real love interest - George Clooney. I bet that George is really sad about Brad leaving him for another woman, and a political one at that! I bet This love triangle probably made Ocean's 13 bittersweet. At least George still has Matt Damon - sort of. But yeah, Angelina, I preferred William Robert Thornton to William Bradley Pitt. Plus, Angelina, you are only six years older than me, and when did Brad Pitt become seventy? You are going to need those big lips to give him mouth to mouth, after he has a heart attack trying to chase after one of your seven children. This will probably be brought on by Brad screaming 'Shiloh', and the baby won't understand, as Shiloh is not a name. Was that too Shiloh?

So that's Angelina Jolie, who also made it to Number two on the hot list chosen by lesbians. As far as I'm concerned, that's what Angelina Jolie is and will always be. Number two.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #3 Dr. Sue Johanson

2007-06-17T02:16:00.000-04:00

I figured that since I previously talked about a sex expert in Paris Hilton, that I should consult a professional. But oh lordy, this sex expert, or 'sexpert', is certainly not sex...y. In fact, you don't have to be an expert to see the unsexiness of Dr. Sue Johanson.

Let's throw a disclaimer out there before I start this post. I am not declaiming Sue Johanson and the work that she does, educating students and adults alike about condom use and safe sex. Good for her! Nor I am going to talk about claims from the gay community that Dr. Sue is 'heterosexist', a term that I don't even understand, because she refers to man's partner as she, and a female's partner as he. As I said, that's fodder for a blog that is far more concerned with 'issues' than this one. I only want to say one thing about Dr. Sue Johanson - she kind of grosses me out.

The concept of an older woman talking about sex is not unique - let's look at Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who I once saw on a New York street corner. For some reason, Dr. Ruth does not gross me out. She looks all small and cute, and doesn't disgust me when she talks about orgasms. Dr Sue, on the other hand, makes me wince when she talks about erections and vibrators, just because she looks and sounds so graphic when she is doing it. There is nothing small and cute about it, it's just so in your face and out there that her discussion of sperm makes me squirm.

For that, I blame the TV show. When she was a radio host, you couldn't put a face to the discussion of the g-spot. But once she got on TV, her image just turned me right off anything that she was saying. And it wasn't just her appearance, but her manner, which grossed me out to the point that I am right now still making a face like I ate some sort of food that I hate, and I am still tasting it. The image of Dr. Sue Johanson discussing STDs has given me PTSD.

Perhaps I would feel more sympathetic towards Dr. Sue if she ever revealed her true age. Wikipedia has her listed as being born in 1946, which I cannot believe. If that is the case, then she looks pretty old for s sixty-two year old. at least if she was older, I would feel a little worse for being so disgusted by her. As it is, I am happy for Sue Johanson for appearing on American talk shows and receiving the order of Canada, but couldn't she have been the been the behind the scenes person, while a younger, hotter, or at least a less physically repulsive person discussed the clitoris?

Sex with Sue? More like sex with Ewwwwwww.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #4 Paris Hilton

2007-06-13T01:06:00.001-04:00

Remember when Paris Hilton was famous for being famous? That seems like a long time ago, as she has pretty much conquered every medium imaginable, and been conquered herself by pretty much every medium, small and large imaginable.

Music:

Even though the Stars Are Blind, they aren't tone-deaf. Through some miracle of recording, or perhaps she's just good at things involving her mouth, the Paris Hilton album is actually pretty good. I absolutely mean this. Through some miracle, she sounds good on the album, and created some very fun, poppy songs. Or did she steal them? http://youtube.com/watch?v=gvneOtIK38w

Either way, the songs are still catchy, (much like Paris herself)Except the dance remixes suck. And her cover of Do Ya Think I'm Sexy blows. But everything else, pure pop gold!

Television:

The Simple Life never really appealed to me, because it seemed to be a one-joke show. Paris and Nicole do not know how to handle themselves in any aspect of life, and that's funny, so let's all laugh at them. Surprisingly, Nicole Ritchie seemed to come off as the bigger slut. That's....confusing. Paris just seemed bored, but that's pretty much how she always looks.

Like Lucy Liu, Paris Hilton has guested on an inordinate number of TV shows, such as The O.C. Does anybody want to tell me what she did on that episode? Anyone at all?

Books:

Paris 'wrote' Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose. I haven't read it, but move over Tolstoy, because I am sure that it's the next Anna Karenina.

Business Ventures:

Well, she is a Hilton. So that will pretty much guarantee that she will be a business success when she is handed the reins. But she also designs her own purses, (I hear that they have a lot of room to put your stuff in), jewelry, (pearl necklaces?), perfume, (ever wanted to smell like Paris?) and nightclubs, (I'm sure that there are long lines to get into Club Paris). For some reason , her nightclub is in Orlando, which is like the Etobicoke of Florida. Seriously, Walt Disney World and nightclubs do not mix. Also, she created the Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset, which includes a night vision filter, fake money, losable cell phone, and 16 hits of ecstasy! Yes, I copied and pasted that entire last quote. Jealous?

Modeling:

This is a surprise, as she is in absolutely no way attractive. I mean it. Hair extensions, fake tans and color contacts do not change the fact that Paris Hilton is actually quite unnatural looking. There, I said it.

Movies:

House of Wax was totally awesome, and that was even before I started watching One Tree Hill. I bet that The Hitcher isn't quite as exciting. Your move, Brooke. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Paris Hilton was in the movie for exactly 6.8 seconds, had a stripping scene and a violent death which everybody at the theatre cheered, (did I say theatre? I meant I didn't see it ), and of course, Paris broke up Chad Michael Murray's marriage to his co-star, which meant that filming his hit show is probably a real treat for him. Yes, I would say that this was a success all around. Paris was marketed as one of the film's stars, which was a complete fabrication, yet strangely necessary.

Paris had a tough time on the set of her first film, as she had trouble capturing the essence of her character in the movie Zoolander, which made her feel sad. And yes, she played herself.

Also, she was in some other films, including Raising Helen, but who the hell cares???

Internet:

The sex tape(s). Having her Sidekick hacked. The website with all of her personals stuff. Flashing the camera. Videos making fun of Lindsay Lohan. Yes, Paris took this new medium and ran with it. Honestly, is their a bigger Internet celebrity than Paris Hilton? Maybe William Sledd. Or this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQibs3albtM Or me. No comment.

Men:

Here's a partial list of Paris' hook-ups and their jobs, in no particular order - Jason Shaw (model), Deryck Whibley ('musician'), Paris Latsis, (Greek shipping heir), Nick Carter, ('singer', reality TV star), Oscar de la Hoya, (boxer, singer), Rick Salomon, (entrepreneur), Leonardo DiCaprio, (sitcom star, activist), Brian Urlacher, (football player), Jose Theodore, (hockey player), Jamie Kennedy, (a bunch of stuff), Simon Rex, (actor, former MTV VJ), Robert Evans (producer, dirty old man), Rob Mills, (Australian Idol), Ingrid Casares, (nightclub owner, technically not a man), Edward Furlong, (actor, music video star), Stavros Niarchos III, (Greek shipping heir, professional kiteboarder), Mark Philippoussis, (tennis player, future reality tv star), Nick Lachey, ('singer', reality TV star, commercial pitchman), Brandon Davis, (I'm not sure that he has a job), Christina Aguilera, (singer, also not technically a man), Tom Sizemore, (actor, dirty old man), Andy Roddick, (tennis player), Travis Barker, (drummer, notice I didn't say musician, reality TV star), Joe Francis, (entrepreneur, salesman), James Neate, (model, guy with neat last name) and on and on and on.

Notice that she has had a man, (or woman), in pretty much every field, (or they have been in her field) imaginable, with very few doubles, perhaps maybe with the exception of two dirty old men, two Greek heirs, too many reality TV stars, too many ex boy-banders, and too many men, period. And keep in mind that this is just the names I could drudge up in twenty minutes. There are more, I'm sure. No baseball players, though. Surprising, as she spends so much time at third base. Remember when she said that she was celibate. I didn't.

Animal Activist:

She basically invented the act of keeping a dog in a purse! Humanitarian of the millennium!

Media Whore:

Aside from basically keeping late night talk shows and celebutainment shows in business, this latest story just doesn't seem to be going away. And I don't get why. It's not that newsworthy. Basically she drove drunk and without a license a bunch of times, and had to go to prison. Big deal. If she wasn't a celeb, she would have been locked up a long time ago. There is one interesting aspect of this story. On the day of my birthday, she got released from jail for some unknown reason, but possibly because she had a full-body rash, (are you even surprised?) Paris was then allowed to continue her sentence under house arrest, or maybe she is in a medical hospital, but really, does it even matter? As long as she in the public eye, or the public is in her eye, no matter what she does, for good or for awesome, people will write about, talk about, create naked sculptures of, http://www.caplakesting.com/parishiltonautopsy/index.htm, make fun of, and generally continue to acknowledge the existence of Paris Hilton for years to come. Heh-heh. Come.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #5 Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Demi Moore (tie)

2007-06-10T00:20:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in my Beyonce post, a majority of her songs seem to be about how guys suck. In that spirit, I decided to segue into her song which seems most to about the suckitude of men. This is, of course, the song Independent Women, (I believe it was Part One, and I never did see a Part Two), off of the Charlie's Angels soundtrack. You remember the song, of course. It's about all of the ladies being independent, and throwing their hands in the air or something. Yeah, men suck. But more relevant, is that the song was about women who suck...due to their unsexiness. And of course, this is a subject very close to me, because I am Charlie, and these were some sorry ass angels. If these are the angels, then send me to hell.

Lucy Liu

The only angel to be mentioned by her full name. Coincidentally or not, her name also mentioned alongside Beyonce's in the Outkast song Hey Ya. I think it was something along the lines of Beyonces and Lucy Lius get on the floor. Well, if they are getting on the floor, then I am getting off it. Here are some fun facts about Lucy Liu:

She has a tattoo on her lower back, (a tramp stamp, if you will), of a tiger. Roar or bore?

She speaks Chinese, Italian, Spanish and Japanese. Yet I wouldn't want to speak one word to her.

Lucy Liu is possibly bisexual. Upon reading this, I was like Ewwwcy Ewww.

She is also the first Asian-American woman to host Saturday Night Live. She will probably also be the unsexiest woman, period, to host SNL. Wait, that's actually not true. You'll see.

I guess that I have to talk about Lucy Liu and her career. Let's clear one thing up right away. Lucy Liu is not Lisa Ling. And it's a good thing too, because I also find Lisa Ling to be unsexy. But hooray! Lisa Ling is not famous anymore. To have to put both of them on this list would have taken way too much space, (keep in kind that Lucy Liu is tied for fifth). Besides, I already have two former cast members of The View, so I guess that in a way I am happy that they have similar names, so that I could bring this up.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Ally McBeal. Can I make a joke about Lucy Liu's attractiveness compared to that of the dancing baby? Or would that get me kicked off of blogger? Ooooh Gaaa Chukkk Ahhhh.

Kill Bill. No, I would rather Boo Liu. That's clever. Yeah, real clever.

Shanghai Noon. Guess who saw this movie, Lucy Liu? Shanghai Noone.

On that note, Lucy Liu probably holds the record for most shows and movies that I had no idea thta she was in before I searched wikipedia. Tell me if you knew that she was in Jerry Maguire, Chicago, Domino, Mulan II, (yes that's right, there was a Mulan II. Got a problem with that?) and episodes of ER, Joey, (which makes sense as Matt LeBlanc played her BF in CA), Futurama, Sex and the City, (to think, that I don't know that), and Ugly Betty. More like Ugly...well, you can see where this is going. I'm such a Liuser.

My Girl Drew

See, I told you that is was an honor to get your full name in the song. My girl Drew? Please! You think that the unsexy Beyonce and Drew Barrymore 'hang'? They probably have never even been in a room together. Anyways, where should I start with Drew Barrymore? Maybe where she started her career? Rehab. Too soon? Let's do a Drew Barrymore greatest hits instead. Go!

How about the fact that she has been in the spotlight forever. She is six years older than me! Explain to me how that is possible. I thought that she was at least in her mid-4os!

One of her first roles was as a cute little alien in the movie E.T. Oh wait. She didn't play the title role. Oh well. I thought that it was her, and that way Steven Spielberg didn't have to spend money on make-up. Question: is it right to make fun of a seven year old girl, even this long after the fact? Discuss.

Everyone Says I Love You. Not to Drew. I hate her.

Mad Love. Even Chris O'Donnell's career right now is hotter than Drew in that movie.

Boys on the Side. Even co-star Whoopi Goldberg is hotter than Drew in that movie.

Flashing David Letterman. The worst birthday present ever.

Scream. They did the right thing by killing her off at the beginning. Scream is what i want to do every time I see her face.

Ever After. More like N'Ever After.

Donnie Darko. No wonder Jake Gyllenhaal turned gay.

Tom Green. Who was the attractive one in that relationship? No wonder he lost a testicle.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. I don't know who I like less - George Clooney, or the idea that Drew Barrymore is a sexpot.

The Wedding Singer. Adam Sandler, even with his eighties bad hair, still looked better than Drew. In the spirit of the movie, Drew Barrymore looks eighty.

Never Been Kissed. Where should I go with this? A joke about the movie's title, leading into another rehab joke. Nah! I'm sure that it will Never be Missed.

Duplex. Puplex.

Fifty First Dates. Is there any way that I can get amnesia in regards to this movie.

Lucky You. I already used up my joke about this movie in the Debra Messing post. So I'll just say this. Drew Barrymore plus Las Vegas = bad idea.

Music and Lyrics I hope to see the ending one day. I'm sure that there is some great twist, like Drew and Hugh turn out to be wrong for each other. Hey, it's happened. Hugh Grant used to date the much more attractive than Drew Elizabeth Hurley and cheated on her with a dirty street prostitute. Who knows how much lower he can sink with Drew.

Fever Pitch. This is more directed to the Farrelly brothers than Drew. Why bother making a movie filled with so many real events, and then put in a bunch of fictional events? Fine, I know that the Red Sox didn't have a woman run onto the field in the Eighth Inning of Game Four, but don't intercut it with footage from the real game, and feature a lengthy lay-off where the crowd is just sitting around waiting for something to happen. And then, why bother flying Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon to St. Louis, so that when the Red Sox won, they got to run out onto the field. If you are going for historical accuracy, it just doesn't make sense. There was no reason to make this movie. as far as I'm concerned, it should be destroyed. Oh, and also, they should have just made Jimmy Fallon gay and done away with the relationship part of the movie.

My Date with Drew and Curious George. I would rather date the monkey. Yes, I am running out of ideas. So let's move on.

Cameron D

Way to leave off the last part of her name, Destiny's Child. How hip. Instead of launching into a greatest hits for Cameron Diaz, (Justin Timberlake. I don't know how he could stand to put his dick in your box!) let me just point out something that scares me. Cameron Diaz seems to star in an inordinate number of films about disfigurement. Seriously. The Mask featured Jim Carrey changing his appearance into a green slimy guy. Shrek is also about a green slimy guy. Vanilla Sky is all about a disfigured Tom Cruise, (kind of redundant, n'est pas?). Being John Malkovich had her unrecognizable under layers of bad hair, which was probably not a bad thing. There's Something About Mary had more bad hair day jokes, (come on!), and also featured her disgustingly disfigured roommate Magda, and the plot of Very Bad Things revolves around burying a dead hooker in the desert. Sadly, it wasn't Cameron Diaz.

I probably can't get any worse than that, so let's end this here by stating that Cameron Diaz is supposed to be so bubbly and funny, but she just comes off as annoying. Oh, and blonde, brunette, or whatever other color that she dyes her hair, Cameron Diaz is extremely unsexy. Plus, isn't Cameron a boy's name? They say that the camera adds ten pounds, but this Cameron adds one hundred and thirty pounds of unsexiness to whatever disfiguring movie that she stars in. And she turned Jared Leto gay. And Justin Timberlake...well, he was in a band with Lance Bass. Lance was probably N'Him. Still better than Cameron Diaz.

And even though, she's not in the song, I just wanted to say that co-star of CA2 Demi Moore is way unsexy as well. I don't care if she does feel like a twenty-five year old inside, she still looks like a fifty-five year old on the outside, no matter how many plastic surgeries she gets. And sadly, she is only forty-five. Demi Moore? How about we see Demi Less. The fact that she is so famous is Vanity Unfair. Hooray! Demi and Rumer are the first mother and daughter to make the list. They are multi-generational unsexy. It's no Rumer, it's the truth.

And Destiny

Notice that I never actually talked about the movie Charlie Angel's or the sequel. what can be said, really? They are just a bunch so set pieces set to music, a full-length music video, not surprising when you consider that the director, McG, is a glorified music video director. I can't really remember anything memorable about either movie, other than the all of the songs. and if the songs are the most memorable thing to come out of a movie and a sequel, especially ones featuring of this eye candy, you know that these angels have lost their wings. Charlie, how your angels get down like that? They didn't get down. These four got up to number four, and if these are the angles of the morning, then I don't want to wake up.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #6 Beyonce featuring Shakira

2007-06-03T16:36:00.000-04:00

I would be a beautiful liar if I said that either of these two artists would make it onto this list on their own. I was probably leaning more towards Beyonce, due to her pre-fabricated image, her constant wavering between solo success and performing with the other two Children, downplayed relationship with Jay-Z, and above all, her plastic persona. But plastic enough does not make it to the top of this list. I wasn't going to say her name. Shakira was more difficult. True, there is her mangled English, her line about her breasts being small and humble, as not to confuse them with mountains, the other line that underneath your clothes, there's an endless story, and finally, her album title being referenced for jokes about laundry, but all of this too place in 2001! So really, what has Shakira done in the last six years to deserve a spot on this list, besides being orally fixated. Regarding her place, I just thought to myself, don't bother.

But then came Beautiful Liar. Suddenly, Beyonce and Shakira both deserve a spot on this list, even if the have to share it, just like they are presumably sharing the man of the title. Have you seen the video? It's a train wreck. For one thing, half of the song consists of Beyonce and Shakira saying "Beyonce, Beyonce, Shakira, Shakira" a bunch of times, (is this pop music or homeroom class?). The rest of the song consists of them telling a man that he's not worth it. Is this every song that Beyonce has ever recorded? Let's see, there was Say My Name, Ring the Alarm, Me Myself & I, Irreplaceable, (to the left, to the left), I guess Survivor, (about women instead), plus more that I am going to talk about in my next point. Listen Beyonce, if you have so many issues, deal with them, instead of a recording a song about it all the time. If it's real, then manage, and if its fake, then sing about something else for a change.

Moving on, I said I was going to talk about the video, but I have only mentioned the song. The video really did it for me, (and be did it, I mean think about adding Beyonce and Shakira to this list). I have come to realize that they are the same person, only with different nationalities. All that they do is this video is wear very little clothing and gyrate. This would be fine, except it just seems so fake. There is no passion in it, and instead of singing a duet, they just seem to be trying to top each other. First they appear solo, and sometimes Beyonce is wearing some sort of classy outfit which makes her look strange. Finally, they appear together in the rain and on top of a neon sign, but there's nothing in it. They are just carbon copies of each other. They've both got blonde weaves, and gym-toned bodies, and of course, their writhing, which just looks soulless.

If you want to make a megastar collaboration video, go ahead, but try to look like you are having a little fun. Speaking of fun, the reason that I hate this song / video so much is for the line, 'Can we laugh about it?" followed by these ladies producing the fakest, weirdest laugh I have ever heard, a sort of dry heave set to a beat. Heh. Heh. Heh. Also, when they laugh, they sort of just face each other and raise their shoulders three times. Heh heh heh. Beautiful Liar? More like terrible actors. Is this song worth my time? No, yet I can't look away. It's a beautiful disaster.

Still, I can't Shakira the feeling that this sort of collaboration will become the norm. Take two successful boring singers, add some Middle Easternish song, and have them squirm a lot and you've got a hit. Pardon me, while I Beyonslay myself. You ain't beautiful, it's true.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #7 Rosie O'Donnell

2007-05-30T11:59:00.001-04:00

Wow, Chas. You started a blog to state that Rosie O'Donnell is unsexy. what are you going to tell us next? Maybe that water is wet? Or that fire is hot? You dare say what nobody else has the guts to say. I commend you, dear friend.

Alright, now that we got that out of the way, Gimme a Break! I am so tired of seeing Rosie's face, (among other things), every time she goes out of the way to say something controversial. Which is a lot. Whether it is making fun of Chinese people, calling Kelly Ripa homophobic about Clay Aiken's hand, 9/11 conspiracies, arguing with the 'Survivor' about the war in Iraq, and the issue that Trumps them all, Rosie O'Donnell's ugly contorted face always shows up on news feeds. And I am tired of seeing it.

She is in a league of her own when it comes to saying wacky things just because she can. I wonder if The View is going to be cancelled when she leaves, as her talk show could not survive amidst the presence of Caroline Rhea. I couldn't really understand, as it was the same exact show, except Caroline Rhea didn't pretend to have a crush on Tom Cruise. It's funny, because Rosie was in the closet at the time, and so was Tom. Now that she's fully out, she has a chance to market her lesbian pleasure cruise, (which I imagine is not as much fun as Boat Trip), and appear on episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm for no reason whatsoever. Even if Larry is a friend to the lesbian community, I don't think that the lesbian community's ambassador is Rosie O'Donnell.

Listen, Rosie, I'm all for you doing your thing, be it Broadway musicals, (emphasis on Broad), talk shows, (which you and Greg Behrendt seem to corner the market on, I'm just not that into you), horrible movies, (Exit to Eden? Really?), or getting into fights with Magnum P.I. about gun control, but just do it quietly. I don't want to hear you. And even more than that, I don't want to look at you anymore. Even Chris O'Donnell is sexier than the Queen of Nice. Just because you are leaving the View, I somehow doubt that you will be out of the view of the public. The promise of an O'Donnell-free future does not look Rosie.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #8 Ivanka Trump

2007-05-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

I was recently thinking about this list was missing, and then I was saved by the bell. I got it! It needs more daughters of celebrities that look way too much like their famous fathers. And quite in the way I thought about the episode where Zack goes out with Slater's sister and keeps picturing Slater in a dress. Right away, that led me to Ivanka Trump. She looks like Donald, (the scrunched-up face), she acts like Donald, (I heard that she's on his show, but I wouldn't know, as I haven't watched it in five seasons) and she's one botched hairstyle away from being Donald Trump in a dress and a push-up bra. And that my friends, is the definition of somebody who deserves to be on this list.

Ivanka Trump, You're Unsexy!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #9 Celine Dion

2007-05-27T17:30:00.000-04:00

I was recently thinking about what this list has been missing, and then it all came back to me - French Canadians. And who is the most famous French Canadian woman of all? Well, it doesn't surprise me that the most famous is also the least sexy. I'm talking, of course, about Celine Dion, the youngest of fourteen children. No wonder she made the list. Her parents tried so hard to produce and unsexy child, and it finally worked.

How about some call and response with Celine:

The Titanic song? It s(t)unk

The Roy Orbison song / Chrysler commercial? It left me Cryin' / I wanted to drive it off a cliff

Beauty and the Beast? One of them describes Celine. Guess which one.

Celine in Vegas? Crap(s)

Because You Loved Me? I loathed you.

A New Day Has Come? And yet, you sound as bad as you always have.

Where Does My Heart Beat Now? I wish it wouldn't.

Winner of the Eurovision song contest? I'm Blind.

That's the Way It Is? At least you accept it.

The 'Misled' dance remix? Yes it was.

If You Asked Me To? Okay. Please Stop.

The Sleepless in Seattle song? No wonder they're Sleepless in Seattle. It isn't the coffee, it's your horrible voice.

The pointless cover of All by Myself? Good, stay by yourself, and don't come near me.

I'm Your Angel, a duet with R. Kelly. Now we're talking. I bet that R. looked to Rene's husband / manager / creepy old dude / infirmary patient for inspiration.

Apparently, they met when she was twelve, and they have a twenty-six year age difference. That's creepy, even for me. Apparently, she once said that their relationship was the same, except that the bedtime kisses changed. That's so gross, that I'm just going to leave it there. Celine Dion, non, Merci.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #11 and #10 Renee Zellweger and Sarah Jessica Parker

2007-05-25T23:40:00.000-04:00

Let's get down the edge of reason here. For starters, let's throw out all of their other roles of SJP and RZ. Goodbye The Family Stone, and Failure to Launch. See ya later, Footloose and L.A. Story and Honeymoon in Vegas. Sayanora Dudley Do-Right. Now let's chuck Cold Mountain and Chicago and Cinderella Man, jettison Jerry Maguire, move aside Me, Myself and Irene, nose out Nurse Betty and bury The Bachelor. Down With Love.

What are we left with? Well, two unsexy actresses, for one thing, but basically the same character. Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones. Yes, these two women are probably the most popular fictional characters with which females identify themselves. Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones are the same, just with different home countries - both journalists, (if you count diaries), both single and unlucky and love, both having problems with too much smoking and drinking and fashionable purchases, and both falling for the wrong men.

Except it's a lie.

Even though Carrie Bradshaw is supposedly based on a real person who wrote a sex column, (Candace Bushnell, and check out the similarity of the names), Carrie Bradshaw is a gay man. Check it out, the creator of the show is gay, she hangs out with the same three friends who bitch about men over cocktails, (cocktales?), and the whole time she insists on how fabulous she is, whilst meanwhile ruining every chance that she has with a man, cheating on them and otherwise driving them away seemingly on purpose.

But I've never watched the show before.

Oh, and one other reason why Carrie Bradshaw is a gay man. There is no way that interesting characters like Mike Logan, that male ballerina the Northern Exposure actor, and the dude from Office Space ever find Sarah Jessica Parker, (whoops, I mean Carrie Bradshaw), to be that fascinating. She's really just whiny and narcissistic and self-obsessed, while the men in her life obviously come back for reasons other than her looks and personality. It's because she's a nymphette. Face it, while the show tries to turn Samantha into the stereotypical gay man character who screws all the time, (note the part where she experimented with a relationship with a woman, very gay man), but it's really Carrie that's the gay man-whore. She writes a sex column, for gawd's sake! Look, she can't hold down a relationship, hangs out with her 'platonic' gay male friend Stanford Blatch and is obsessed with fashion. Also, she lives in New York City, drinks girly drinks and is trying to make the wrong man fall in love with her. Gay. Man.

Plus, she's ugly.

Look at me, picking on another lefty and another Jew. I didn't do this on purpose I swear. Good luck, Sarah Jessica Parker. At least you've got fellow lefty and Jew Ferris Bueller at home. Let's hope he takes a day off for you.

Oh, and what's the lie behind Bridget Jones? It's that she's a fat British woman played by an anorexic American-Norwegian (!) woman. It seems that Bridget Jones has the same problem as Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie can never decide who she likes - the guy who treats her well, as represented by Aidan the furniture guy, or the guy who treats her like crap - Mr. Big, who we don't really know what he does. In the end, well, you know, and if you don't I'm not going to ruin it for you. As for Bridget Jones, well, I'm not going to ruin that either, but she's also got a choice between her jerk of a boss played by Hugh Grant, Daniel Cleaver, (ohh, wonder if that name was intentional), and her sweet childhood friend, (ditto). It's no wonder that Bridget Jones is so neurotic, as these two interesting characters like Bridget for no discernible reason whatsoever! It's like they are competing over the most unlikeable character in the world, and then tell her that she's great the way she is? What kind of bollocks is that?

I admit that I never read the book or saw the sequel, but Bridget Jones, like Carrie Bradshaw, is neither attractive nor interesting. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she's unattractive because she's large, as Renee Zellweger looked better as Bridget than she ever did in real life, (funny how she tried so hard to take the weight off after shooting both films). I think that Bridget Jones is unattractive solely because she is played by the unattractive Renee Zellweger. The manatees who write for Family Guy hit the nail on the head both times. Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6l-5-cBp0s and http://youtube.com/watch?v=m4Fdrnuak1g, though the second one is kind of random.

Moreover about Bridget Jones' Diary. It was great to see Hugh Grant playing against type, not always bumbling and stumbling, though I hope to finally catch the end of Music and Lyrics, where he does just that. But Colin Firth didn't really do anything except scowl. and don't think I've missed the joke that he plays Mark Darcy, and previously played Mr. Darcy in the BBC mini-series Pride and Prejudice. Hi-larious! However, what I can't seem to figure out is the appeal of this kind of character. While supposedly the foil in Bridge Jones, he too is like Daniel Cleaver, as he never opens himself up to Bridget Jones, quite like Mr Big with Carrie. So these women have to spend so much time getting these emotionally fragile men to give them the slightest bit of commitment before they are able to really appreciate their own lives. And we are supposed to sympathize with them? I'm sure that there is a reason that every girl watched Pride and Prejudice in residence and it probably had less to do with Jane Austen than that it is a story about pursuing an emotionally bankrupt man.

This is a fairy tale?

I guess that they did cast the right actress, because isn't that what the real Renee Zellweger is trying to do with Kenny Chesney, Jim Carrey, Jack White etc. I don't know much about the psyche of these men, but they seem to be completely emotionally cut off, and here comes Renee Zellweger to get them to open up. Too bad it doesn't work.

Also, did you know that Renee Zellweger is almost forty? Damn. She's seems to be twenty-eight, but I don't want this in any way to sound like a compliment. I just wanted to point out that she doesn't seem old. Maybe that makes her even more unsexy, as she seems like should be better-looking.

Look, I'm all for escapist fare, but it would have been far more believable if we didn't have to believe that these men got involved with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker and Renee Zellweger. Because neither one is nothing to write home about.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #12 Dita Von Teese

2007-05-24T13:02:00.000-04:00

Speaking of women who wouldn't place in a ninety pound beauty contest, here's Marilyn Manson's ex-wife, burlesque dancer and corset wearer Dita Von Teese.

I don't have anything clever to say about her. I just find her incredibly unattractive.

Okay, here's one. When Marilyn Manson, possibly sporting those prosthetic breasts featured in the video for 'The Dope Show' is the attractive one in the relationship, it's probably best that the relationship ends. Also, you're supposed to be a throwback performer to the 1940s, but with your overly dyed hair, implants and weird skin, you look like a throwback to last Thursday. But hey, at least Dita called out the Pussycat Dolls for being 'fake burlesque'. Ooohhh, way to expose a serious hard-hitting act as something that it's not. Plus, you are fake. Brrrrrrlesque.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #13 Most of Missy Elliott with a little Nicole Richie thrown in

2007-05-24T12:23:00.000-04:00

I don't care if she lost 'a few pounds', I will never consider Missy Elliott sexy. I don't care if asks me to hand her a person of Netherlandic origin. I don't care if she asks me to let my outrageousness show through. I don't care if she discusses guys that cannot last for more than sixty seconds, (ewww, by the way). I don't care if she requests that I abandon my motor functions. I don't care if she ruminates on the fact that she does not appreciate vapor from the sky, (I think it's super duper). I don't care if she asks me to employ the object. There will be no convincing me Missy Elliott. You do not look like a Halle Berry poster, and despite your high opinion of yourself, you're not especially attractive.

But hey, it's cool that you had lesbian relationships with he/she Ciara, the winner of ANTM Cycle 3, Tweet, and most likely the late Aaliyah, (too soon), who you memorialize in every single one of your videos. Oh, and what is with the special effects, Missy? Are you afraid that we'll see what you really look like and 'run for cover'? 'Hoo dee hoo'! Oh, and don't think that I forgot your involvement in Lady Marmalade, meaning that of the five singers, only Mya and Christina Aguilera escaped inclusion on this list, (though it might be a stretch to call Mya a celebrity, and X-Tina is saved by her hot orange skin). Oh, and the less said about your Gap ads, (not to mention your gap), the better. Missy Elliott, you are so unsexy, that it's a misdemeanor.

Since you probably lost the equivalent of a Nicole Richie, so this seems like the simple place to include her. The truth about Nicole Richie is that even if there was a beauty contest for ninety pound women, Nicole Richie would not place. That's so not hot. Hello? It's not her I'm looking for. She's a straw house.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #14 Jennifer Garner

2007-05-17T15:30:00.000-04:00

One JG deserves another. Jennifer Garner is probably most famous for starring in the show Alias, but it should have been called Alien, as that is what she looks like. In fact, the real bomb of the movie Pearl Harbor was in fact, her face. Jennifer Garner is also a funny actress, but more funny strange, and not so much funny ha-ha. Dude, Where's her Char...isma?

Jennifer Garner, like Jaslene Gonzalez, has a very strange voice and sounds like she is constantly whining. I Dare any Devil to spend more than ten minutes with her. Trust me, I wouldn't catch Jennifer Garner even if I could. I would probably release her. Jennifer supposedly has a great body because of her commitment to kickboxing, but if her body was near me, I would probably kick her in the box.

Jennifer Garner is perhaps most famous for marrying some Bostonian celebrity that used to be famous, (and come September 28th, he will be Back, Baby, Back). However, it sucks for Jennifer and her husband, who apparently is named 'Ben', because they are now known as 'Bennifer 2'. I just found out that Ben was dating some other celebrity named Jennifer who used to be famous. I am not surprised that I hadn't heard about it, since it didn't get much coverage in the press. I guess the couple decided not to Elopez. So Jennifer had to be sloppy seconds to a woman with her same first name. Too bad. She doesn't Garner any sympathy from me though, because she wants to keep her relationships private, and keep a J-Lo profile. If that's the case, then don't marry a Hollywood celebrity who is most famous for his relationship with Hollywood celebrity Matt Damon. Got all that? Good, because I do not want to get Violet.

Wow, I didn't imagine that when writing about Jennifer Garner that I would include so many puns. I figured to include 13, but I am now going on 30. She's Elektra, can I NOT be Elektra too?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #15 Jaslene Gonzalez

2007-05-17T04:26:00.000-04:00

I can't really find anything interesting about America's Next Top Deaf Model Jaslene, so instead, here is some trivia about Natasha Galinka, copied directly from wikipedia.

Natasha made her own fake teeth out of gum wrapper for a drag photo shoot

Natasha's nickname for her baby is "Doggy".

Natasha wasn't able to become a model until she moved to America as she has stated there are no opportunities in Russia.

Natasha married her American husband when she was 18 and he was 40.

Oh yeah, and she's a mail order bride. But she still should have won. Jaslene has a crescent moon face, twig arms, and of course, the voice of a deaf person. This is not because she's Spanish, but because she can't talk. I will say this, when the models had to showcase four sides of their personality, Jaslene chose Sentimental, Drag Queen, ChaCha Diva and Modelesque, and guess what? Forget the fancy names, they were all the exact same pose! Oh and by the way, I'm straight.

Good luck Jaslene, because the only model I hated more than you was Jael, as she thought she was all high and mighty with her anarchy, but really she was just a poseur. Also, she is too light to really be a model. I swear that I am straight.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #16 Chyna

2007-05-14T01:09:00.000-04:00

I would rather NOT be in Chyna. This is just a train wreck all around. I kind of feel bad for Chyna, but then again, I really don't. Why not? Let me take you back to High School.

I always used to go to Danny C's for bootlegged wrestling Pay Per Views. He had a lot of food - Fruit by the Foot, Dunkaroos, licorice, Oreos, Special K - and one night between bites, I announced that Chyna was kind of attractive. Now this grew a chuckle from the room, as, let's face it, Chyna is Chyna. Now I only kind of said that to be facetious, but months later, what happens? Chyna makes the cover of Playboy. And what did I do? Well, I bought it, of course. To this day, it is the only issue that I have ever bought.

And what did I find in it? Uhhhh. It was pretty bad. Obviously, there was major retouching, but still, Chyna had an overly muscular body. Apparently, she underwent jaw surgery to make her more feminine, but these pictures still revealed a mannish woman. Her breasts are obviously fake, she has a weird belly tattoo, and of course, her body is like no other woman's. She is a total drag queen, no question.

Now she is trying to prolong her career. It's Surreal. I actually stuck up for her when she was wrestling, at least when she fought men because she was an amusing character. Now it's just sad. There was a show where her best friend showed up, and even though she wasn't a wrestler, she looked just like Chyna, with major plastic surgery, to the point where you know its fake. And I'm not talking Janice Dickinson either, where it almost suits her, but these women looked bad. There was another episode where X-Pac, her angry boyfriend showed up, and revealed how trashy they both are. Besides, how can she date X-Pac, when she once dated his best friend Triple H? Tacky, Chyna, very tacky.

Oh, and even if some shows pretend to call her 'Chyna Doll', (a ridiculous name if you ask me, but the WWE probably owned the rights), for me she will always be Chyna, even if she will never wrestle again. She will always be a reminder that if you want to be a wrestling superstar, you can either be semi-girly with an enormous fake chest and hair extensions and not very effective at all. Or you could be Chyna, not even remotely girly, with an enormous fake chest and hair extensions, and actually be a good wrestler, (whatever that means), and only have fifteen famous women in the world be less sexy than you. Actually, it would probably be more if you were the least bit relevant.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #17 Kelly Osbourne

2007-05-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

I wanted originally to write about Kelly Osbourne's friend, British singer Amy Winehouse, (another Jew!), who grosses me out with her tattoos and weird facial piercings. But sorry Amy, whinehouse all you want, but you're just not famous enough. You tried to make me go and add you, but I said no, no, no. Call me in five years. Or better yet, don't.

But oh boy, does Kelly qualify and more. You can argue that she's not famous enough, but boy does she qualify on the unsexy side. as for her fame, she did star on a reality show before reality shows were popular. I'm sorry, I mean this popular. Plus, Papa Don't Preach was a hot crossover tune, and she did date a guy called Bert McCracken. And Kelly Osbourne has inspired me to definitely overuse italics.

During Kelly Osbourne's feud with Christina Aguilera, X-Tina called Kelly a fat cow, which is really an insult to fat cows, who probably produce delicious steaks and milk. You must be going off the rails on a cray train to think that Kelly Osbourne is attractive. No, I'm not being paranoid.

To be fair to Kelly, when you consider what her parents and brother look like, she doesn't lack for company regarding branches of the ugly tree. But man, is she hideous, and its not her family's fault that she also got a bunch of tattoos. Her sister Aimee, who didn't appear on the show, doesn't look too gross, (there I go again), and Kelly has set a high standard for herself, since she sometimes works as a model. Crazy. But that's how it goes.

However, until I found out that Kelly is friends with a popular musician, there was some hope left that her music career was finished, and we would probably never have to see her again. Her last album sold 9,000 copies, peaking at #119 on Billboard, though it did come out on a wonderful day, (June 7, 2005). I'm sure that Kelly will find some way to get back into the spotlight, like randomly filming her trip to Japan for an MTV show. Wait, that already happened.

In any case, good luck Kelly. You may be really ugly, but at least your father like you. Then again, he's been out of it for about forty years now. Oh and Kelly, you might be related to a famous singer, but nobody wants to hear from you. So Shut Up!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #18 Kate Hudson

2007-05-13T19:33:00.000-04:00

Hopefully nobody will be raising hell about this post, but here's another actress, another lefty, and another Jew, (well, Buddhist-Jew, a Boo. Or perhaps a Judist.) Well, anyways, when I was originally thinking of names for this list, I never really considered Kate Hudson for this list. Now, not only does she make the list, but appropriately, gets a really chai number. I guess that this is a surprise to me, but when you think about it, Kate Hudson hasn't really done anything to dissuade me from considering her unsexy. Kate Hudson? Even Rock Hudson is sexier. Too soon?

Maybe it's the fact that Kate Hudson looks a little too much like mother. Maybe it's because she got married really young to that creepy-looking Black Crowes dude and had a kid. Maybe it's because Nomah gave her a couple of souvenir balls, (who wants to bat behind Nomah?), but for whatever reason, Kate Hudson is not even remotely sexy. In fact, when you consider the number of movies she's been in, it's amazing that she is famous, when she should be almost famous. Hold me less close, Kate Hudson.

Let's see - Alex and Emma, (or is it Alex & Emma?), didn't see it. Le Divorce, didn't see it. You, Me and Dupree, never even thought about it. The Skeleton Key, I don't think anybody saw it. Raising Helen I saw two months ago, and Kate Hudson has long been eclipsed in fame by her adopted children Abigail Breslin, Abigail Breslin's brother, and that girl from Heroes, (her again!) The last Kate Hudson movie I remember watching before that was 200 Cigarettes, which I think was also on TV. Kate Hudson is now the third cast member from that film to make this list, (but who are the others?) Oh wait, I saw How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on the Movie Network. It should have been called 'How to Lose an Audience in 10 Minutes'. Seriously, it was a bad romantic comedy, and I usually like romantic comedies, (I mean, what's a rom-com?)

Oh, and I didn't even mention Owen Wilson. Not only did Kate Hudson star in a rom-com with his brother, (awkward!), but Kate and Owen also look more like siblings than Luke and Owen do. And perhaps that's the reason that I find Kate Hudson so unsexy. she wasn't dating Owen at the time I thought of this list, but since then I have begun to think of her a a female Owen Wilson. and anytime you see the phrase 'female Owen Wilson', you know that you are charting high on this list. "I'm, like, 98% excited, and maybe 2% scared. Or maybe it's backwards. Maybe I'm 98% scared, and, like, 2% excited. But that's what makes it so great... I'm so confused!"

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #19 Eve, Erykah Badu, Alicia Keys, Raven-Symone, Pink (tie)

2007-05-07T20:54:00.000-04:00

This blog post is a bit of a cheat. The women in this particular entry haven't exactly been keeping things up on the celebrity end of the bargain, but their unsexiness does not warrant any doubt. Since they are probably all not worthy of this high, (low?) a spot on their own, I've decided to group them all together. That way, I can pretend that I didn't forget to list them earlier. My loose theme is 'R & B', but feel free to make up your own, and enjoy!

The first woman is Eve. The only reason that I even thought about her in the first place was because of her recent trouble with drunk driving. She was said to have been visited in prison by Sean Penn. WTF? Before you go on about how Eve is a rapper, not an R & B songstress, Eve herself claims to be 'hip-pop', and that's good enough for me. Probably the things I find unsexiest about Eve are her short pink hair, her paw boob tattoos, her two duets with Gwen Stefani, including the completely unnecessary cover of a song from Fiddler on the Roof, the fact that she's in horrible action movies, her supposed sex tape, her music, her age, (28? Damn she's been around!), and last, but certainly not least, her album named Eve-Olution. Even I wouldn't make a pun that bad. However, if she calls a future album Eve 6, all is forgiven.

Next, we have Erykah Bad. Whoops, I mean Erykah Badu. She changed her name from Erica Wright, and I certainly do not understand why. That was a Badu move. She once had a bunch of semi-hits, got knocked up by Andre 3000, and named the baby 'Seven', (thanks, George Costanza), and she sported a giant Afro, which I believe was fake. She's Badu news.

Following that, Alicia Keys also has a fake name, and thank god, because it was just too cute for a piano prodigy to be named 'Keys'. Strangely enough, I also hate the name of one of Alicia Keys' albums, that being Songs in A Minor, which she wrote when she was mostly underage. As for her music, it was mostly tolerable until it became co-opted by American Idol contestants and Indian 'women' who thought they were black. So now they are pretty much unlistenable, as some of her songs were in the first place, such as Jew Don't Know My Name, which I think had a different title. Little known fact: Alicia Keys once appeared on the Cosby Show.

Wow, what a great segue into Raven-Symone. Raven suffers from Mary Kate and Ashleyitis, but even worse, since she's not a coke whore. Basically, it's like this - she will always be four. Therefore, as a full grown adult, she can never be sexy. I'm sure there's some Peter Pan or Sigmund Freud angle I could take here, but like Raven-Symone, I'm not touching it. There may always be room for Jell-O, but there's no room for Olivia to be sexy. That's so NOT Raven.

And just in case you thought I was just writing about black women...Pink, who I am not sure is black, or even a woman. Following the them, Pink was once known as Alecia Moore, and in a few years is probably going to remembered no Moore. Pink makes me sick. She gets this party ended. Like with Lil' Kim, I wouldn't voulez-vous couchez avec toi, ce soir or any other soir.

So there you have it. They all relate somehow, and this way, I can now concentrate on the unsexiest of the unsexiest. It's really going to get ugly.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #21 and #20 Rachel Bilson and Kristin Cavallari

2007-05-06T00:41:00.000-04:00

It's a cruel summer, as you can easily access my archive and see that I once called Rachel Bilson attractive. I don't know why anybody would do that, but there you go. However, let me just say that I wrote that piece in Autumn, and it was a long time ago. Her show was still on the air! Marissa was still alive! She was still dating Adam Brody. O.C. what I mean? Hey Rachel Bilson, Welcome to the Unsexiest Female Celebs list, bitch.

Strangely enough, a spin-off of Rachel's show sprouted up about a year later. its title was Laguna beach, but more curiously, the subheading was The Real Orange County. Yet it's star, Kristin Cavallari is completely fake. Fake blonde hair, fake tan, fake teeth, and I assume that her personality is fake too, but I have never watched the show, (really). I heard that it is a 'scripted reality show', whatever that means, which is probably that the reality is as real as the leading actress. She's exactly one place unsexier than the fictionalized O.C. star Rachel Bilson, (funny how that worked out).

Rachel Bilson has a really small face, which seems to be scrunched too close together. However, she wins points because her father wrote The Rocketeer, and for having a sister twenty years younger than her, (two blog posts in a row!) and because her ex-bf, (Seth Cohen), seems much less of a douche, (yet still somewhat of a douche), than Kristin Cavallari's ex-bf, (Stephen Colletti). Seriously, look at a picture of the guy, what a tool! They deserve each other. Oh, and by the way, after Kristin Cavallari, this Stephen guy moved on to Hayden Panettiere. She couldn't even qualify for my list, due to the fact that she's five! We could be pedos, if just for one day. In my opinion, she's still better looking than Kristin Cavallari, who looks like a drag queen. Plus she's really old. 1987? Please! Of course, Rachel Bilson is ancient, as she is born in 1981.

I do realize that I'm the age of Ryan and Seth's parents. I guess I'm in charge of the Chrismukkah decorations this year. It will be Real...ly Exciting.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #22 Tracee Ellis Ross

2007-05-04T14:36:00.001-04:00

I seem to have a recent fixation with unsexy celebs on the CW network. The merger of UPN and WB has really opened my eyes as to the unsexiness on the fifth television station. However, I feel like I have been neglecting the roots of The CW, as my analysis itself has been CW, (completely white). I have been like the most recent episode of One Tree Hill, as my main plot did not include a single black person, (seeing as Skills was not on the last episode, as if he didn't go the prom!) Take a look at the CW show Girlfriends, as its the only one they've got, da duh da da. This is the kind of show that WB and UPN used to be famous for - shows for black audiences. Seeing as these kind of shows were no longer aired on any of the other networks, they found a home on the upstart networks, and one of the most popular was Girlfriends, produced by actor Kelsey Grammer (!) Girlfriends has been on the air for seven years!

In truth, I don't really watch the show very often, (I think I saw half an episode on Omni12), but apparently its about four black women trying to make it in Los Angeles. But what caught my attention more than the forgettable storylines was the lead actress, Tracee Ellis Ross. The first thing I noticed were her buggy eyes. The second thing I noticed is the she looks very familiar. And guess where that 'Ross' comes from? That's right, from her mother, Diana Ross. Tracee Ellis Ross' older sister is Rhonda Ross Kendrick, the love child between Diana Ross and Berry Gordy, who inspired the song 'Love Child'. Her younger brother, sixteen years younger than her, is Evan Olaf Ross, an up and coming actor, and the son of Diana Ross and a Norwegian mountaineer (! again)

So back to Tracee Ellis Ross. If her mother was supposed to be the 'hot' supreme, how come her daughter is supremely unsexy? The other siblings do not seem to share in her bug-eye condition, so maybe it was a trait shared by her father, of whom I can't seem to find a picture. Don't say that it's a 'biracial' thing, as her younger brother, the Norwegian mountain guy, doesn't seem to have it. So I'm sorry Tracee Ellis Ross, but I don't want you as a girlfriend, and I do believe that there is a mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you. It's called you.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #23 Debra Messing

2007-05-04T03:27:00.000-04:00

Debra Messing. Born to Jewish parents yada yada yada Ned & Stacey, Lowell is much hotter than she is yada yada yada that other show, no wonder they were all gay yada yada yada Hollywood Ending, no wonder that Woody Allen went blind yada yada yada The Wedding Date. I would have seen in theatres, but I was sick that day yada yada yada the guy who she's married to, Unlucky You yada yada yada Similar to Lucille Ball, more like Lucille Appal, also, more like Debra Messed-up yada yada yada. Anti-Dentite.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #24 Kristin Kreuk

2007-05-04T03:05:00.000-04:00

Kristin doesn't know that I'm online, and I'm writing this blog post about her. I wish I watched Smallville, but then again, I'm glad that I don't. Anybody who does is supernerdy. Still, it's on TV, and Kristin doesn't know. Kristin doesn't know. Kristin does ads for Neutrogena, still, she's nowhere near as hot as X-Tina (uhhh), and Kristin doesn't know. I hope that Kristin doesn't end up in porn, and I hate that she's a Capricorn. Kristin Kreuk is another mutt, a mix of Dutch and Chinese. If she wanted to go out with me, I'd be like 'Chutch, please!' Go get high and then have some more pork fried rice. I'm so glad that Kristin doesn't know. Kirstin Kreuk is from BC. If I knew her, I'd be like BC ya! Go get rained on. We don't even speak the same Lana Language. Nice alliteration for your real and fake names. Charles chooses somebody other than you. Kristin doesn't know. All these magazines find you sexy. But to me you look like a typical Rogers spokesmodel, a young Native boy. Kristen doesn't know, Kristen doesn't know and Jen doesn't know.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #25 Carmit Bachar

2007-05-04T02:43:00.001-04:00

Apparently, I do research for my blog posts. While nobody has come out with a list like mine, there is apparently a lot of talk about 'celebrity buttafaces'. Topping that list is always Stacy 'Fergie' Ferguson', who I have already touched on, (ewww). The second most popular, and the one I have stolen for this list, is Carmit Bachar. Who the heck is Carmit Bachar? Well, she makes her living standing around, looking 'sexy' and pretending to sing, (much like Fergie), but along with five, (now six) other girls. that's right Carmit Bachar is the red-haired Pussycat Doll, nicknamed 'foxy doll'.

I wish that this fox would crawl back into her hole. I admit that I haven't really seen much of Carmit, as she is barely shown in her own videos. But unlike the other members of the 'group', Carmit has been a PCD from the beginning,back when they were a terrible burlesque troupe, and not a terrible pop group. I don't know what is ore amazing. The fact that this buttaface has been a Pussy since Day One, (as if you look at her face, and truth be told, her body, she really is unattractive), or the fact that the rest of the band, not just Nicole hardtoprouncelastname, were hired as singers, but do little to no actual singing.

So Carmit Bachar is a triple threat: dancer, singer, paint-melter, she really deserves the number twenty-five spot. Wait a minute, how does a Dutch, Indonesian, Israeli, Chinese woman end up looking like her anyways? Don'tCha wish you hadn't seen her picture? I don't need a (wo)man who looks like Carmit. Don't push my buttons, Carmit. Beep.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #26 Rumer Willis

2007-05-04T02:32:00.001-04:00

I want to put all the gossip aside, and set the record straight. Rumer Willis looks a lot like one of her parents. Sadly, it's not her mother, Demi Moore, (who in truth, is no great shakes herself), but her father. Imagine a female Bruce Willis. Wish you hadn't? Sorry, but that's what Rumer Willis looks like. Even her stepfather, (and how creepy is that?), Ashton Kutcher probably stays away from her. I'm scouting out some younger female celebs, (since most of the last ones are old), and Rumer qualifies, as she is already 19 (!)

Rumer Willis is now and then an actress, though I want never want to see her do a striptease. If somebody took her hostage, I wouldn't go the whole nine yards to get her back. She did Tsunami aid, but it's really her looks that needing aiding. You;re a fashion designer? Does that make me a bashin' designer? Yippee kai nay, Rumer Willis!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #27 Queen Latifah

2007-04-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

Queen Latifah? How big is the land mass? Breast reduction surgery? Maybe you should have tried body reduction surgery! Chicago? More like the size of Chicago! Bringing Down the House? You are the house! Beauty Shop? You could have fooled me! Is it just me, or are my posts getting meaner and meaner the close I get to #1?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #28 Brittany Murphy

2007-04-28T22:38:00.000-04:00

What do you we have here? A nice segue from Cher to an actress who got her start playing Cher...'s makeover project Tai, In Clueless. And speaking of makeovers, boy have the years been kind to Brittany Murphy. In this shot of the three stars of Clueless. let's play Where's Waldo?, but in this case, it's Where's Brittany?

http://images.chron.com/content/news/photos/05/08/12/clueless.jpg

Yeah, she looked kind of different then. But it's a little scary how different she looks. From downtown dumpy to uptown girl should not be this drastic. This is the same girl who once starred on Almost Home. At that age, I'm sure that she turned men Almost Homo. Even Mouth wouldn't have given her Mouth to Mouth, (side notes, yes I am aware that this is my second straight One Tree Hill reference. Yes, I am also aware that for the first time in my life, I have called Lee Norris 'Mouth' and not 'Mincus'. Thanks a lot, Sara)

Oh, and if Brittany Murphy still looked the way that she used to, I am sure that Ashton Kutcher would have stayed Just Friends with her Eminem would never have gone down her 8 mile road, and her talent manager wouldn't have managed her talent, (it was the best I could do). She also went to the prom with the late Jonathan Brandis, but this was before she 'transformed', and I don't want to insult the dead, (plus, he starred in The Neverending Story II, which is a joke of a different color). Where was I? Oh yeah, nobody would have got with ugly Brittany Murphy, perhaps not even 'co-star' Mark McGrath, who I assume is just back from trip to Asia, which is a vast continent. Brittany Murphy also performed with the Pussy Dolls. Coincidence...or conspiracy?

What else? Oh yeah, nobody would have put ugly Brittany Murphy's number in their Little Black Book, nobody would have tried to be the King of her Hill, and (why didn't I use this one earlier), nobody would have tried to get to Almost home with her. Yet, after her makeover, (more like like makeunder...yes!), everybody's been trying to Summer Catch Brittany Murphy. But I liked her better before. However, I am probably just saying that since I found out that her father is a criminal. Don't say a word.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #29 Cher

2007-04-27T02:15:00.000-04:00

Before, I was talking about celebrities who only go by one name. Excluding Madonna, who I have already written about, the most famous is probably Cher. There are a lot of good things about Cher. For example, "I Got You Babe", both the Sonny and the Beavis and Butt-head versions. Also, the scene in Stuck on You with Cher in bed with Frankie Muniz was genius. Lastly, Cher's style of singing paved the way for Pearl Jam, Creed, Nickelback, Live, Staind, and Daughtry. Wait, maybe that's a bad thing about Cher. I know there's an "If I can turn back time" joke there somewhere, but I can't find. Oh, and I don't know if this is about Cher, but I'm sure that she is somewhat responsible "What's the last thing that went through Sonny's Mind?" Answer "The Tree". Too soon?

Oh, but Cher, I believe that you are responsible for so many bad things. For example, you were getting tattoos before they were popular, and now look at what has happened. You were exposing your belly and straightening your hair, before those trends were popular. Oh, and the plastic surgeries, now everybody is getting them. The dating younger guys trend, that's old hat by now, (or is it?), and being a celebrity who is all into politics, that's a cliche already. So there you go, trendsetter Cher. You innovated all these new things, and now everybody else has made them ubiquitous. At least nobody tried to copy your Oscar hat. However, your worst trend that has become mainstream is that Believe album. Cher, your biggest hit album featured crappy dance songs featuring manipulated vocals. Sound familiar, Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani, Hilary Duff, Pink, Nelly Furtado, Beyoncé, Pussycat Dolls? Farewell, Cher.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #30 Chantal Hébert

2007-04-27T01:51:00.000-04:00

Finally, a fellow journalist makes this list. Emphasis on fellow. I don't know much about this guy, erm woman, other than that I was flipping channels, and this uh, it was on a panel on The National. I don't know what they were talking about, I don't know what Chantal Hébert writes about for the Toronto Star, (I assume that it's something political), but the dude looked like a lady. Or the other way around. In either case, man, oh, man. Yet, I could tell it was a woman, even though I am more feminine than she is. Here. see for yourself:

http://static.voir.ca/_images/montreal/2112/texte/ac_chebert_2112.jpg

Guy yi yi!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #31 Björk

2007-04-26T01:37:00.000-04:00

Speaking of people who used to go by one name, here's a person who still goes by one name, albeit one with a weird thing on the third letter - Björk, or phonetically - Beeyork. Although I would certainly go by one name too, is my last name was Guðmundsdóttir. That's just a string of letters and symbols. It reminds me if the old joke: "Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?" Answer: "You'd kill yourself too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop" Other good Helen Keller jokes include: "Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?" Answer: "Because she's a woman", "What's Helen Keller's favorite color?" Answer: "Corduroy" Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?" Answer: "So she can moan with the other". Yes, I am going to hell(en Keller).

So where was I? Oh yeah, Beeyork's fruity last name. I guess that can be explained by her heritage. Still, her children have this misfortune to be named Ísadóra Bjarkardóttir Barney, (at least she has a normal last name), and Sindri Eldon Þórsson. WTF? I can't even begin to pronounce that last name. It's like an emoticon of a tongue hanging out. As 'Alex Trebek' on 'Celebrity Jeopardy!' asked, "Are you Icelandic or Retarded?" Yes, I know that I used that reference for Minnie Driver, but bear with me.

What can be made of Beeyork's weirdness? Does her Icelandicism explain why she recorded an entire album without instruments? Plus, why didn't she think to invite Rockapella to guest-star? Tragic. Also, why are her most recent albums almost completely unlistenable, yet even rock journalist in the world goes crazy heaping praise on her? The only songs of hers that I know are "Army of Me", "It's Nice and Quiet", (shhh shhh), and that song with Thom Yorke, (who is trying to pull a Beeyork of his own) from Dancing in the Dark. I know that these are her 'safe' songs, but if this is thr work of a musical genius, like the guy in the beer commercial, I must be oblivious to everything. But hey, if you dig Bujork, enjoy the Timbaland produced (!) 'Volta', coming May 7th. I'll stick with Gavin DeGraw.

Seriously, is this sexy?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/08/Bjork_-_Homogenic_album_cover.jpg

Is this?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/98/Medulla.jpg

I know that this is.
http://news.softpedia.com/images/news2/Bjork-s-Swan-Dress-Will-Be-Auctioned-For-Charity-2.jpg

At least it's clear that she doesn't wanna be anything other than her. Clearly, there are those who see past the swan dresses and sees Björk's Skills. Everything in Its Right Place, Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye. Guðmundsdóttir, everybody!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #32 Roseanne Barr

2007-04-25T23:06:00.000-04:00

And yes, I made sure that she is back to 'Barr'. As I said before, there are no 'gimmies' on this list. what this is that even the women that no man, (or bi-curious woman), would find attractive still makes it on to this list. And hey, some people must have found her attractive: some guy named Bill Pentland, the hilarious Tom Arnold, her security guard, her parents, whoops, let's not talk about that last one.

So don't tell me that nobody finds her attractive. Plus, Roseanne is soon to be the newest Desperate Housewife, which means that I don't have to write blog-length posts about any of the other Housewives. So let's just say there was a five way tie for Unseixest Female Celeb #101, and I'll let you know what I would say about all of them.

Teri Hatcher looks like a mummy, the Egyptian kind, and mysteriously went out with 'metrosexual' Ryan Seacrest. also, she smells like Dean Cain.

Felicity Huffman has kind of a droopy-looking face, feels that she herself is not pretty and worst of all, she was way too convincing as a he/she in Transamerica.

Marcia Cross has kind of a wide face, and I'm going to stop there, because if I say anything about her hair or skin, then I'll be a Desperate HouseChas.

Nicollette Sheridan seems really old, but more than that, she voluntaily goes home to Michael Bolton. She said 'I Love you'....and she didn't lie!

Eva Longoria does have a rockin' birthday, but beware her ides as well. She was my favorite housewife, until I realized that she's a midget with a lower-back cross tattoo, seems to be more 'make-up' hot than anything, and is making it with a foreign exchange baller who plays for Le Spurs. Now I would like to Spur(n) Eva Longoria.

But alas, none of these ladies made the list, (and neither did Alfre Woodard or that woman who narrates), but soon-to-be permanent cast-member Roseanne did. but hey, what doesn't kill her is making her stronger. So in honor of Roseanne making this list, let's belt out the national anthem, put on a Halloween costume, play poker around a table, buy a lottery ticket, eat a loose-meat sandwich, ogle a mulleted George Clooney, (eww), replace one of our sisters with another, and pretend that this post didn't actually exist.

Oh, and let's not talk about gay activism, though I do know some people who act like Roseanne described (Chas! Chas!) Here's to you 'Grossanne'. In each life some rain falls, but you also get some sun. Eh ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #33 Jann Arden

2007-04-25T14:33:00.000-04:00

Hey, the CanCon regulations actually work! Call me insensitive if you like, but sometimes, you have to go for the gimmes on this list. Oh my lord! Even though Jann Arden has recently lost fifty (!) pounds, as you can see in this picture, http://www.whatsonwinnipeg.com/promotions/jannarden/index.php I still would not die for her. The combination of her overly made-up face, and the fact that every single time you turn on a mainstream Canadian radio station, they happen to be playing one of her songs, ensures that she doesn't fall fifty spots on this list. Also, in my head, she will always be large. Even though, that's something of a mixed metaphor, it's true. MuchMusic played her video like a million times a day. This is no time for Mercy, Jann Arden.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #34 Julia Stiles

2007-04-25T01:56:00.000-04:00

Here are 10 Things I Hate About Julia Stiles:

1. I actually like that movie. I like the way the characters are real. I like the way t makes me feel etc.

2. She's a child actor turned adult actor, which seems like a successful formula to get on this list (see Dunst, Kirsten, her co-star in Mona Lisa Smile et al)

3. The expression 'moon-face' suits Julia Stiles perfectly

4. She's not related to improv superstar Ryan Stiles

5. She supports John Kerry and is all political. There is nothing wrong with John Kerry, but she's all political.

6. Julia dated 'Tommy' from 3rd Rock and 'Pacey' from Dawson's Creek. She cannot compare to the awesomeness of those shows and actors.

7. I saw about ten minutes of A Guy Thing on TMN and had to turn it off. I love shitty romantic comedies, and this was a shitty romantic comedy, but a better title for it would have been A Burning my Eyes Thing.

8. Once again, her moon-face.

9. All of her other stupid Shakespeare inspired films. O? More like O No! Damn, I'm on today.

10. She was completely unconvincing as 'hood' in Save the Last Dance, makes a horrible-looking pair with Matt Damon in the Bourne movies, (plus she's no Franka Potente, and I feel nothing for Franka Potente), I hate that The Omen came out on 6/6/06, (the next day is much better), and she looked all old in the commercials. So basically I blame Julia Stiles for the suckiness, and very rarely, the non-suckiness of her movies. She should have stayed in school.

10a. Did I mention her moon-face?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #35 Andie MacDowell

2007-04-24T16:22:00.000-04:00

Andie MacDowell would fit a little better into yesterday's theme, which is actresses that seem to be in a lot of movies, but really haven't been in that many movies, as embodied by Minnie Driver, and sort of Gwyneth Paltrow. I guess that Andie MacDowell's most famous roles are in sex, lies and videotape, (pretentious title plus early work of Steven Soderbergh equals strike one). Her other famous starring role is in Groundhog Day, but if I remember that movie correctly, Bill Murray only gets into her after Day 476. Whoa! Deja vu! Strike Two. Perhaps Andie MacDowell is best known for those Clairol ads, where she admits to dying her hair. Sorry Andie, you are so not worth it. Strike three, you're sexy. Oh, and your name is Andie. Strike four?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #36 Courtney Love

2007-04-24T16:19:00.000-04:00

Too easy. I hate her.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #38 and #37 Minnie Driver and Gwyneth Paltrow

2007-04-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

Keeping with the unofficial theme of the day, (Baaaaston). How about the ex-girlfriends of the two dorks who wrote that touchy-feely movie with Mork from Ork. And how funny is it that Matt Damon would get his future girlfriend to play his ex-girlfriend in the film. Though I don't really have an opinion about Skylar Satenstein, (except for her wicked cool name), the actress that Matt or Gus or whoever got to play her is one weird-looking, and weird-acting chick, (as 'Alex Trebek' asked 'Minnie Driver' on Celebrity Jeopardy! Are you English or retarded?)

For example, what's up with the fact that other than that Phantom movie, (it should have been her under the mask) she hasn't been seen in a well-known movie since 1997? What's up with the fact that Grosse Point Blank and Good Will Hunting have the same title, and the fact that she dated both of her costars? Why was she on Will and Grace? What's up with her music career? And I guess the best question of all is...why is she so unsexy? Will Hunting must have taken too many blows to the head, or perhaps he saw Skylar as his beard, when in reality he had the hots for Chuckie. How do you like dem Affles?

As for Chuckie, when he making Good Will Hunting, all of his famous future relationships were still a twinkle in his eye, (except for his gay relationship with Matt, they are from Cambridge after all). GWH was filmed almost a decade before Garfleck and little Violet, a half-decade before Bennifer, (wait, they dated?), and it was even before Ben's most irritating relationship of all, (and yes, I am aware of the magnitude of that statement). I'm talking, of course, about Ben and Gwen, who didn't even have a cool nickname.

How much do I loathe Gwyneth Paltrow? Let me count the ways. There's her current husband, Chris, the Really Amazingly Profound singer in some band. There's her kids names, Apple and Moses. There's her name. There's her faux Briitsh accent and friendship with the also faux British Madonna, (maybe she should have befriended Minnie Driver). There's her mostly sucky movie career. Let's see, how many Gwyneth movies did I like? Shakespeare in Love was alright. In Shallow Hal I liked her better fat. Se7en would have been better if we had seen her head in the box, (oh yeah, and she dated Brad Pitt, too. Yuck.) Sliding Doors was okay, but only for the Aqua song. It was irritating to see her pretend to be British again. So I guess I only liked her S movies.

Now for the Gwen movies that I hated - The Royal Tenenbaums with that whole incest angle, and did you know that she dated Luke Wilson in real life too? Ewww. I didn't see Duets, but I'm sure it lives up to its alternate title of Don't Duets, even with Huey Lewis playing her father or boyfriend or something. I saw about five minutes of Bounce, and that was enough. As for her other S movies, Sky Captain etc. was just her in front of a green screen for two hours, and Sylvia made me want to commit suicide. Actually, I made that last part up entirely, but it fit, so don't tell. Oh yeah, she had that completely unnecessary cameo in Goldmember, and was in this godawful movie with Austin Powers where she played a flight attendant. Geez, she really hasn't been in that many movies.

On a completely random tangent, I like her mother's work, (despite having just dissed two films she co-starred with Gwyneth in, and despite the fact that she probably named Gwyneth), and it's cool that she's all into her Jewish heritage, but these factors are completely negated by the fact that she's married to the dude from Coldplay, her relationship with Bad Pitt, her friendship with Affleck, not marrying the ketchup guy and becoming John Kerry's daughter-in-law, and I just found out that she once went out with that Canadian guy from Felicity, and get this, Canadian rocker Bryan Adams. Gwyan Padams? Don't Duet!

Plus, is Gwyneth Paltrow sexy? Sure, if you like women who are not even thirty-five but give off the vibe of being eighty. She seems really old. Oh, and speaking of old, I hope that this list continues for another twenty years, so then I can take a bite out of Apple.

Yes, Matt and Ben have moved on to other projects, (each other), but we can never forget their most famous relationships: a British woman who got dumped on Oprah, and a non-British woman who said on Oprah of her daughter's name: "I just thought it sounded so lovely and...clean!" That's weird. Since these relationships, the number of movies that Matt and Ben have co-written amounts to...zero, probably because every time they are together, they look to each other for 'sympathy' at having such unsexy girlfriends.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #39 Rachel Dratch

2007-04-23T23:30:00.000-04:00

I don't think that I'm queeh or retahded to think that rachel drtach is unsexy. Though it might be a bit of a Downer, I find that rachel Dratch just comes up short in the sexy department. In fact, I think that she looks better as Qterplix, the lovechild of Angelina Jolie and her brother.

Oh my gawd, Tommy, tell me you got this in writin' And I thank you.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #40 Ashley Papelbon

2007-04-23T23:26:00.000-04:00

I must really dislike a player to call his non-celebrity wife unsexy . Let's get one thing straight, Jonny Paps is an incredible pitcher, and he is almost singlehandedly carrying my fantasy team (s) right now. But he lost a lot of points when he was mean to Sara. So I now don't feel so bad smearing Ashley Papelbon. She's dark, like shoe leather, but remember, she's baked, not fried.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #42 and #41 Lil' Kim and New York

2007-04-22T13:49:00.000-04:00

To settle this clash of the titans, we will have to do a head to head showdown, with the unsexiest the one receiving the most points.

Slept with a rapper - both, (Notorious B.I.G. vs. Flavor Flav)

Reality TV shows - 4-2 New York (Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll and Lil Kim: Countdown to Lockdown vs. Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love 2, Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School and I Love New York). Although, to be fair, New York only cameoed on Charm School, and Lil' Kim's Lockdown show has a second season. Why that show not picked up by a Canadian carrier makes no sense to me.

Unmarried Parents - (Kim's parents are separated 1, while New York's were never married 2)

Breast Implants - both

Tit tattoos - New York

Jail Time - Just Kim, (presumably)

Appearances in movie masterpiece You Got Served - Kim, playing exactly the same role as she plays on the Pussycat Dolls show, since when did she become an expert in all things pseudo-Hip-Hop?

Appearances in the movie masterpiece Juwanna Mann - Kim, playing herself. And yes, I now this first-hand. I suck.

Better known by nickname - both, duh!

Duets and feuds with 5o Cent - 2-0 Kim, (50 Cent refused to make a video for Magic Stick, which nonetheless became a huge success)

Famous feuds with other women - like 9-2 New York (Deelishis, Buckwild, Pumkin, Bootz, Hottie, Krazy, Rain etc. etc. vs. Foxy Brown and Eve)

Mother who inexplicably is a minister - New York, though she seems to be as amoral as her daughter.

Guest appearances in remakes of crappy Disco songs featuring the word 'Lady'- 2-0 Kim, (Ladies Night and Lady Marmalade)

Remakes of Phil Collins songs - Kim. (In the Air Tonite. yes, I am aware of the spelling)

Under five feet tall - Kim.

Too much make-up - both

General bitchiness - Major advantage to New York, but that could just be Reality TV editing, as Lil' Kim is the 'nice judge' on Pussycat Dolls, and a big Asia supporter. I bet that in real life she hates them all, especially Asia.

Crappy New York hometown - Again, advantage to New York (Utica vs. Brooklyn)

Crappy reason to go to prison - Kim. (Perjury? Isn't that just lying?)

Winner - Too close to call. I guess the winner is us.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #43 Alanis Morissette

2007-04-06T17:38:00.000-04:00

You oughta have known that I was going to put Ottawa's finest female singer on this list. Believe it or not, Alanis is only thirty-two, but has gone through a lifetime of career successes, without once being even remotely sexy. let's go through a few of my favorites:

You Can't Do That on Television. This was one of my favorite shows growing up. I used to watch it on YTV every chance that I would get. Even though the show ran for more than ten years, Alanis was only on one season. Still, even then, she looked better covered in slime.

Alanis - Dance Pop sensation. I love that video where she flirted with a hot dude, played by the yet unknown Matt Leblanc. I think that they played her video once every ten minutes on MuchMusic, and her videos were regularly featured on Electric Circus. After Alanis hit it big in the U.S. it was said that she came out of nowhere. Yet in Canada, they played her dancey stuff as much as, and maybe more than her 'serious' stuff.

Just One of the Girls. This movie is an absolute classic. For some reason, Corey Haim has to dress like a woman for a cheerleading competition. Though he looks absolutely nothing like a woman, this big steroided-up dude tries to go out with him. Also, there is a scene where he reveals his deception to his teachers, the girl he is lusting after, the steroid dude, etc. and yet everybody forgives him. Dance Alanis has a brief (uncredited!) spot in the movie, playing...Dance Alanis. It's her name in the movie and everything. Unbelievable!

Going down on Uncle Joey in a Theatre. I wonder if it was a full house.

Jagged Little Pill. why did everybody in the world own this album, yet nobody bought her follow-up albums? This was a huge seller. And let me amend my previous comment, the videos were played all the freakin' time. I didn't really understand the You Oughta Know video, (it seemed like she was rockin' out on a rock. Alanis looked really bad in Hand in my Pocket video, (the black and white did not help her). The You Learn video where she walked around a lot and looked edgy, was replaced by a live version of the song, and subsequent video, where she walked around a lot, and looked even edgier, on stage, in the bath, outside in the cold, and throwing snowballs at the guy who would become the drummer for the Foo Fighters. And of course, who could forget the song....

Ironic. I am not going to mention the misuse of the word, or the brilliant lyric about 10,000 spoons, but instead I will talk about the video. I couldn't understand the irony of having four different Alanises (Alanisi?) in a car wearing different clothes and featuring different hairstyles. Also, it looked cold in the car, and her crackers looked gross.

Head over Feet. The video which just featured a close-up of Alanis' weird looking face for four minutes. Yuck.

The Wesley Willis song Alanis Morissette. The video features an Alanis lookalike, who is much hotter than the real Alanis.

Thank U. Finally, India gets the gratitude it so greatly deserves, but what's with the hip-hop spelling. Also, this was a naked video. A nude Alanis, (with light and hair obscuring all the important things), walks around the city looking all godlike, and people come up in touch her. She also rides the bus naked, and goes to a clothing optional convenience store. I'm sure there was a message in the video / song, but I didn't get it.

Uninvited. The first Alanis 'un' song. It is from the movie City of Angels, which I didn't see. i guess the song wasn't bad, and at least there was no video. Or maybe there was, and MuchMusic no longer cared about her by that point.

Unsent. That song where she she just said a bunch of guys names and tried to fit in a lot of words. Said to have inspired Panic! At the Disco. Just kidding. But this song is bad even for Alanis standards, and Panic! at the Disco are terrible even by emo standards. More like Alanis! at the Disco. I wouldn't go.

Playing God in the movie Dogma. I feel like Kevin Smith is dyslexic, and meant to offer her the role of Dog. Oh snap!

Playing herself on Curb Your Enthusiasm. That neck-brace scene was hella funny. Howeevr, this episode pretended that the identity of the guy in the You Oughta Know song is a secret, but everybody knows that it's funnyman Dave Coulier. Cut it out! Also, she was supposedly on an episode of Sex and the City, but I wouldn't know because I've never seen that show in my life.

Hands Clean. Oooh, Alanis is seduced and discarded by an older man. You Oughta Know Alanis, that you've done this song already. Next!

Everything. The song was more adult contemporary (read - boring) then ever. The video featured Alanis with short hair, yet as unsexy as ever. Next!

Eight Easy Steps. A video in which Alanis ruined all her old videos by adding fake lips to images of herself pretending to be singing this song. The one good thing is that it featured clips of her from YCDTOTV whilst being slimed, and from her home movies as a child. However, this is ruined by a shot of the baby Alanis, (obviously shot just that day), being born and pretending to sing this song. Lame!

Dating Berg. Even though I think that Ryan Reynolds is really sleazy looking, (except, of course, in Just Friends), I believe that this is called 'dating up'. Still, they would have had a the grossest children ever. Alanis should have stuck to lesbian affairs, as she later revealed to have had. On a side note, whatever happened to the pizza place?

Breaking up with Berg. Even though I knew it would fail, it still made me sad. If two former Canadians turned L.A. celebrities couldn't make it, then who stands a chance?

Covering the Seal song Crazy. Alanis had officially become M.O.R.

My Humps. Her best work in years. Alanis slowed down the song from Fergie, (who I have already discussed), and revealed just how profound the lyrics of the song really are. Also, the video just features Alanis pretending to punch guys in slow motion, and pretending she has a body. It's actually quite good. Watch it on Youtube.

Well, this was a long post, but You Learn something new every day. Thank U.

Unseixest Female Celebs - #44 Megan Hauserman

2007-04-05T01:51:00.000-04:00

Tale as old as time....

Get on me all you like about how Megan Hauserman is not a celebrity, but she did win a lot of money, solely because she 'changed' more than some other bimbo. I don't know what it is that the Beautyful Megan changed, (her implants, perhaps?) but winning Beauty and the Geek has made her just famous enough to be on this list. Her hair is fake, her breasts are fake, her smile seemed fake, but Megan Hauserman is really unsexy. I'd take Scooter over Megan. well, maybe that Paio guy instead. It would be his first time with a girl...or a guy.

I realize that this post is at least a month too late, but if you can still find Megan's Playboy pictures online, I say that she qualifies. She's a beauty and a beast.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #45 Gisele Bündchen

2007-04-01T19:09:00.000-04:00

Top Ten Reasons to hate Gisele Bündchen

1. Taxi

2. Dated Leonardo DiCaprio

3. The thing on the 'u' in her name. What is the name of that thing and what does it mean?

4. Owns a Yorkshire Terrier. That's like the gayest dog ever.

5. Breast Implants

6. German

7. She's in a Mac commercial. I hate Macs

8. Has a twin, but it's a fraternal twin, (identical twins are much cooler).

9. Less than a year older than me, but way richer.

10. Supposedly discovered at a McDonalds. Like a Brazilian future model would ever be spotted at a McDonalds. Maybe in the washroom throwing up, and not from the food.

10 a. Not sexy

Top Ten Reasons Not to Hate Gisele Bündchen

1. Along with Bridget Moynahan, is supposedly also carrying Tom Brady's child. Two women having little football players at the same time? That's bigger than K-Fed!

2. That's it, really.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #46 Susie Essman

2007-03-30T02:36:00.000-04:00

Curb your anger for one second. As Susie Greene, I would let her give me the tour of the house, but I would not let her take me to the bedroom. Susie Essman is going to be forever associated with her character Susie Greene, even though I saw her on Conan and she seemed almost mild-mannered. Once she's in character though, she transforms herself into a real ball-buster. Would you find her sexy? You four-eyed fuck? You fat piece of shit?

If somebody asked me if I found Susie sexy, I would have to respond the same way that Larry David did when he was asked if Susie was his wife: "Uhhh! No!" If I found myself in any sort of close circumstances with Susie, I would throw myself off a balcony, and I hope that I had twelve sponge cakes to land on. I rather have a dog bite...you get the picture.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #47 Stacy 'Fergie' Ferguson

2007-03-28T13:50:00.000-04:00

Now speaking of strange faces, we've got The Dutchess, (but not the Duchess of York), coming in at #47. Tad Hamilton, (aka Josh howeveryoupronouncehislastname) doesn't seem to mind, but I believe that is fairly evident to everyone with eyes that Fergie is a man. Now don't let those breast implants and her 'hot' body fool you. If you look at Fergie from the neck up, man, oh man'. I feel like I used that 'joke' on another female celeb a while back. I guess that's the advantage of not writing in a while. But seriously, Fergie is a drag queen at best, dude at worst.

I cannot figure out whether this a recent development or not. I checked out a young Fergie on the show Kids Incorporated http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UWD1YaBZkk, and she seemed, perhaps, a little boyish, but just a little bit. Maybe she was pre-pubescent, and that's how she did a good job of hiding it. By the way, while the song Fergie performs is pretty terrible, the Kids Incorporated theme song is amazing, and will be stuck in my head for weeks. K! I! D! S! Yeah! Oh, and yes, it is that Mario Lopez, but I'll be damned if I could find him in this clip.

For further research, the next clip I found was an almost grown Fergie performing the national anthem at a hockey game in 1997. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXOp9J2eRpg. There are three things that immediately jump out at you. Number one is how does anybody think to keep footage like this? I certainly wouldn't of thought of it at the time. The second thing is that Fergie really belts it out. She's not necessarily good, but she's certainly better than when she did that Pretenders song as a kid. The third noticeable detail is that at this point she's about fifty-fifty man / woman. Her too blonde hair looks like a wig and she definitely seems to be showing signs of plastic surgery. By the way, she's 22 at the time.

The rest of Fergie's story is pretty well-known. Addiction to crystal meth yada yada yada gets a bunch of ugly piercings dot dot dot Joins the Black Eyed Peas etc. etc. Removes her Adam's Apple di dah di dah di dah pisses herself on stage, (you make your own inference here) blah blah blah Fergielicious! http://youtube.com/watch?v=pkuC8_pMvXY. She's now a man, and a slutty gay man at that. Never mind that she just said 'I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy', all of a sudden it's 'boys come and go like seasons'. Poor Josh. Oh who am I kidding? As if Fergie wrote her own lyrics! Thanks Will.I.am.

So yeah, Fergie's a man now, and if she proved that she had a voice in that hockey clip, now she's about as musically inclined as when she was ten. It may be delicious, but it definitely ain't ladyfingers!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #48 Missi Pyle

2007-03-27T23:10:00.000-04:00

It was just my luck to catch a certain Lindsay Lohan movie on The Movie Network today, and let me tell you, it was kind of disappointing. True, the scene where LL makes out with random guys was a riot, (it must have been quite a stretch for her, I'm sure), but the movie just seemed to pander too much to the audience. wow, a fat black music producer, what a clever and original character! A crazy fortune teller who can actually predict the truth, now there's a fresh idea!

It just seemed as though I could see every joke coming from a mile away, and the idea that all 'unlucky' or 'nerdy' characters wear glasses is demeaning. I don't even wear glasses and I feel this way, so you can imagine the strength of my conviction. Also, what was with the extended cameo by undiscovered band McFly playing undiscovered band McFly? Besides ripping off the last name of a character in a good movie, the band just plain sucked. It's a good thing this movie got them exposure, and uhhh, whoops!

The real reason that I'm mentioning this crapfest in the first place is that LL's boss, the bitchy idea-stealer, (another never before done character), just happened to be played by ubiquitous Andrea Kay 'Missi' Pyle. Who's Missi Pyle, you ask? Well, she seems to be the foremost character actress in Hollywood, because every time I see a movie or just happen to flip by a movie, there's Missi. In Bringing Down the House, she's having a catfight, in Dodgeball, she's that creepy Eastern European character, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I forget what she played in that, the episode of Friends where Ross bleaches his teeth, (I mean, I've never seen Friends. Or even heard of it. Could I be any more busted?) In Soul Plane she was Tom Arnold's cuckolding wife, I think she was in Anchorman, Big Fish, TBS favorite Galaxy Quest and on and on and on.

Now here's the interesting thing. Last night, I happened to be watching Extreme Makeover on the new Slice network. They had this L.A. plastic surgeon http://www.perlmanmd.com/Index.html who seemed to give everybody five different surgeries. Afterwards, he would smile and pretended to care while the patient blubbered on about how he changed their life. I am fairly curious what this doctor would have done had Missi Pyle waltzer into his office as a patient on the show. Hell, she's popping up everywhere else, she might as well be on Extreme Makeover.

However, I just cannot figure out what the doctor would change about Missi Pyle. There's nothing wrong with the way she looks, aside from the fact that she looks like an alien. I know this is akin to asking "Aside from your husband getting shot, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln?", but check out her photo, and you'll see what I mean. Her face just seems...wide. It doesn't seem like a human face. She is by no means unattractive, but she's just kind of unsexy. She's like the 48th unsexiest female celeb. It would be just my luck if she read this post, and I gave more business that the Hollywood plastic surgeon, but I'm not sure if he has a surgery that can fix her. Anti-Alien agent? Alien Reduction? Alienoscopy?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #49 Ashley Johnson

2007-03-26T01:57:00.000-04:00

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. when I first started writing this list, I admit that I was at least partly inspired by a TBS showing of What Women Want. Now here we are, almost one year later and three months removed from my last post, and here we go again.

So where has the time gone? I admit that getting slammed by the CW for my Fantasia post hurt a little bit. Being dissed by an entire network does tend to keep a guy away from bloggin' for a while. Especially since Fantasia has returned to American Idol this season....whoops that's not Fantasia, it's LaKisha. My mistake. Please do not slam me CW. I love Tyra Banks.

So speaking of networks, (and segues, and I'm not talking about the scooters), back to What Women Want. That movie seems to be what Chas Traps wants...to see. Because every time it's on TV, I see it. This must be my fourth time through, but even on TBS, (no swears, far too many commercials), it still holds up. Yes, this is in spite of the horrible casting choices: Helen the giant Hunt, (#100 on this list) Alan Alda, (who I saw on Broadway as Shelley Levine) having no discernible reason to be in the film, and of course, the passionate Mel Gibson. At least in this movie Mel is supposed to be playing a jerk.

Now I can add another name to this list - Ashley Johnson. She seems to have suffered some Growing Pains. So adorable as Chrissy Seaver, who went from being one to being seven overnight, A.J. had clearly transformed from child actress into adult rolls.

On a side note, who would you rather have as a wacko Christian relative? Kirk Cameron, or Melle Mel Gibson? I wonder how many times her co-stars tried to get her to see the light.

At the end of What women want, Mel Gibson can no longer read female minds, but he reconnects with the women in his life and becomes a more sensitive guy. However, since those women were Helen Hunt and Ashley Johnson, he understandably became crazy, and regrettably blamed the Jews. Oh, and have you heard about Mel's new craziness? I hadn't either, so I'll make you look it up yourself. Needless to say, he is clearly Mad.

I can't think of way to transition away from Mel, so let me return by stating that Ashley Johnson is not sexy. But at least she survived a montage of trying on prom dresses for Mel Gibson, without once being called 'Sugartits'. Or maybe TBS just did a good job of editing it out. They shouldn't be such ----ers.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #50 Fantasia Barrino

2006-12-21T23:34:00.000-05:00

I know I have been idle for a while now. It's almost like I can't read. I've been as busy as a young single mother. Ummm, sorcerer's apprentice. Short hair, big nose. Seacrest out.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #51 Kathy Bates

2006-11-21T00:10:00.000-05:00

Let's get back on track with an easy one - Kathy Bates. she puts me in Misery. I wouldn't Fry her Green Tomatoes. Her nude scene in About Schmidt was About my eyes burning. I wouldn't go within Six Feet Under her. Kathy Bates is...Titanic.

However, she is excellent in the film Primary Colors. I quite enjoyed the film and her performance in it. But yeah, Kathy Bates, not sexy.

Two Years Later...Boy did I let myself go

2006-11-07T00:04:00.000-05:00

However, I am much happier. And warmer.

Cubspiracy

2006-10-28T00:16:00.000-04:00

2000 - New York Yankees finish cementing their run of winning four World Series in five years, (seems like ages ago, doesn't it?) As of right now, I would say that the New York Yankees are the most popular baseball team in the world - legendary stadium, popular players, mystique, etc, etc. Aside from the Red Sox, the team that perhaps best captures the attention of casual fans - The Chicago Cubs. There is one big difference between the Cubs and Yankees of course - the Yankees have won twenty-six World Series champions - by far the most in history. The Cubs? Well, they won the World Series in 1907, behind the strength of pitcher Mordecai 'three finger' Brown. Heck, they decided the liked it so much, they decided to do it again, winning again in 1908. Since then...uh, not so much. The Cubs haven't even been to the World Series since 1945. Yes, that is a long time. Oh, and who did the Cubs beat in '07 and '08. That's right, same team that lost the World Series in '06(20), the Detroit Tigers. If the Cubs had gone on to win, say five more World Series Championships, is it fair to say that they would be as popular as the New York Yankees?

2001 - The Yankees lose the World Series, in perhaps the one year that everybody wanted them to win. The upstart team that beat the Yankees in dramatic fashion, off the greatest closer of all time? The freakin' Diamondbacks. Their manager was Bob Brenly, a former catcher and broadcaster, who after being fired by the Diamondbacks when they started playing like the Diamondbacks went back to the broadcast booth, where he could brag endlessly about winning the World Series. What team does Bob Brenly manage? You better believe it - the Cubs.

2002 - The San Francisco Giants are leading the Anaheim Angels, (yes, that was their name) 5-0 in the seventh inning of Game 6, with a 3-2 lead in the Series. After a couple of home runs and some errors, the Giants go on to lose 6-5. They then go on to lose Game 7. Cubs management, watching intently, figure that they can go out and hire the guy who managed to lose the World Series - Dusty Baker. Hey, at least he got to the World Series.

2003 - The plan almost works. The Cubs, so bad in 2003, make the play-offs behind some savvy trades, (and one would even say unfair, consider the Pirates trading Kenny lofton and Aramis Ramirez to the Cubs for a bag of balls deal). Also, for some reason, this is the only year that potential twenty game winners Mark Prior and Kerry Wood stay healthy. Couple them with the still fearsome Carlos Zambrano and the once-talented Matt Clement, and you've got yourself a hell of a rotation.

Oh wait a second, this is the Cubs we're talking about. They blew it. They didn't even make it into the world Series. They got beat by the freaking Marlins, who came up against a really weak Yankees team in the World Series and fluked out a victory, behind Yankee-killer Josh Beckett. The Cubs pissed away their chance. I don't blame Steve Bartman - that was one close play they might not have caught no matter who interfered with the ball. The truth of the matter is, the Cubs were up 3-0 in the eighth inning of Game Six, up 3-2 in the series, and thir Dusty Baker managed team botched it. Forget Steve Bartman. IS he responsible for the eight (!) runs the Cubs gave up that inning. What about Alex Gonzalez? The no-hit good glove former Blue Jay heartthrob botched an easy grounder that would have gotten them out of the inning. The Cubs are not cursed, they're just bad.

2004 - Reverse the Curse. There were two eigth inning LCS collapses in 2003, the Cubs were one, the Red Sox were the other. The Red Sox learned from their mistake and fired Grady Little, (why was he managing in the first place?) The Cubs did nothing. well, they did nothing manager-wise at least. They did sign Greg Maddux, giving them an even fiercer rotation, (are you kidding me? A healthy Clement, Prior, Wood, Zambrano, and Maddux as your fifth starter?), and the Cubs didn't even make the play-offs, losing the Wild Card in the final week of the season. Look, Dusty Baker, I don't hate you. I think you're a pretty good guy. It's just...well, you should have won at least one of those years. Maybe all three. But you didn't, and I'm just going by the numbers.

As for those Red Sox, with Terry Francona replacing the still unexplainable Grady Little, and having added Idiots! to their book of catchprases, (which still contained 2003's Cowboy Up!), at least Cubs fans slept easy knowing that the AL's Cubs fell behind 3-0 to the Yankees...and then won eight games in a row. Two of the Red Sox post-season heroes are Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkiewicz, acquired in a four team trade with the...Cubs. But hey, the Cubs did get 105 glorious games out of a season and a half from Nomar!

Sorry Cubs fans, you're now the most cursed team of them all. Although, you do still have the cross-town White Sox, who haven't won the World Series since 1917.

2005 - Okay, you don't have that either. The White Sox, who are acknowledged by almost everyone to be Chicago's second most popular team, delight Bernie Mac, Steve Perry, and perhaps some other people by winning the World Series. The Cubs finish under .500. I watched the Yankees beat the Cubs at Yankee Stadium on Father's Day. The Yankees, who had been struggling all year, realize that beating the Cubs is just what they need to turn their season around. They sweep the series. And it's not even close. The Cubs looked terrible, especially their centre fielder Corey Patterson. The guys behind me were giving it to him the emtire game.

2006 - St Louis Cardinals win the World Series. The St Louis Cardinals biggest rival? Why that would be the Chicago Cubs, of course! In a year where five teams come out of the gate strong, the National League Central is won by the Cardinals, winner of a platry 83 games. teh Cubs had 88 wins in 2004, the year they didn't make it to the World Series. Who was the National League's representative that year, who didn't manage to win a single game? Oh yeah. The Cardinals, who lost the World Series two years to the day that they won it in 2006. Oh, and just for curiosity's sake, who finished last in the NL Central? That's right, The Chcago Cubs, behind even the perennial losers the Pittsburgh Pirates. Oh, and Corey patterson turns in a great season with Baltimore. Sigh!

So the Cubs will go forward in 2007, having finally fired Dusty Baker in favor of Lou Pinella, (a good move? Time will tell), and amid rumours of acquiring Alex Rodriguez to replace Aramis Ramirez. Total World Series, heck, forget wins, appearances for A-Rod, considered one of the best players in the game: zero. Hey, the Cubs should pick up A-Rod, as he'd be a perfect fit on the team! They haven't had a star that big since Sammy Sosa, and looked at how revered he is!

Message to the Cubs: You must have really pissed off that guy with a goat.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #52 Andrea Bendewald

2006-10-19T15:28:00.000-04:00

Why not complete the Suddenly Susan trifecta? I never did like that Maddy Piper anyways. She was always scheming behind Susan's back, trying to get the next big story. Who would ever work that hard to impress Judd Nelson, anyways?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #53 Kathy Griffin

2006-10-18T15:03:00.000-04:00

To the surprise of nobody...here's Brooke Shields' co-star in Suddenly Susan, and surprise, the first redhead to make the list! Of course, kathy Griffin is unsexy for many reasons, and the redheadedness is not even a factor. She's unsexy for Suddenly Susan, of course, but more for this:

What are the most entertaining shows of the past ten years? You might include:

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Seinfeld
The Simpsons
Sex and The City
Mad About You
Ellen
Caroline in The City
Ned and Stacey
Dr Katz: Professional Therapist
Whose Line is it Anyway? (the crappy American version, but still...)
Mad TV
America's Funniest Home Videos
Crank Yankers
VH1/Vogue Fashion Awards (you know, for Zoolander)
The Weakest Link, (goodbye!)
Rock and Roll Jeopardy! (far greater than regular Jeopardy!)
Hollywood Squares
Game Show Marathon
The Mole (It had its moments!)
Celebrity Poker Showdown, (hey, it's the best of all the poker shows)
World Poker Tour (hey, it's the second best of all the poker shows)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last Call with Carson Daly
The View
The Rosie O'Donnell Show
The Howard Stern Radio Show
The Wayne Brady Show
The Sharon Osbourne Show
The Tyra Banks Show
The Anna Nicole Show
The Drew Carey Show
The Man Show
ER
The X-Files
Days of Our Lives

Kathy Griffin was in all of them! Look at that list, again. You've got Sitcoms, Improvisational Sitcoms, Sketch shows, Animated shows, shows with Muppets, Game Shows, Reality shows, (of course), Talk Shows, Dramas (!), home video shows, soap operas, you name it, and Kathy Griffin has been it. Alll of those programs, and sure some of them are stupid, but a lot of them aren't...have featured Kathy Griffin. Where has she found the time? And most important, why??? She's not that funny!

Oh, and let's not forget a million award shows, the movie Pulp Fiction, and perhaps the greatest acheivement of all, a role in It's Pat: The Movie. Or maybe a role in Beethoven's 5th. They were both cinematic acheivements.

Seriously, Kathy Griffin has done all of that? I guess you don't need talent, looks, charm or even humour to be famous.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #54 Brooke Shields

2006-10-16T00:19:00.000-04:00

For some reason, Thomas Mapother, (ahem...the third) has exerted a great deal of influence on this list. In fact, the last person on this list was his wife, and now I bring to you his rival, the babbling Brooke Shields.

Now I really hope that she does not read this list, and get another case of post-partum depression. However, Brooke, you didn't make this list because of your addiction to prescription drugs, or your feud with Tom Cruise. A chick who pops Paxil like it's candy and refutes the claims of Scientologists, (while having a baby at the same time), is a-ok in my books. However, there are a few unsexy inexcusabilities that Brooke could not be shielded from.

- Her eyebrows. They deserve a spot of their own. Two, actually.

- That Calvin Klein ad she made when she was, like, seven. All these years later and it's still creepy. You know what I find sexy about that ad? Nothing.

- Hooking up with that dorky blond guy on the blue lagoon. Sure they were the only people around for miles, but he still somehow managed to get between Brooke and her Calvins. Also, there were too many scenes of Brooke swimming with hair covering her chest. Just make her wear a deserted shirt or something. More like pue lagoon.

-My unexpected bias against tall actresses. Brooke's six feet!

- Andre Agassi.

- The fact that Andre Agassi dumped her for noted looker Steffi Graf. No love!

-Her guest-starring role on Quantum Leap. On one of my favorite shows of all time, Brooke was on my least favorite episode. I wish I could go back in time and erase the memory of 'The Leaping of the Shrew' from my memory.

- The fact that Brooke's been acting for years, but has never topped on the success she had when she was ten.

- That 70s Show. Sure, it's a fine program, but her role as Donna's stepmother would have been much more clever if she was played by Farrah Fawcett. And yes, I realize what a loser I am.

- Again, her eyebrows. How truly heinous were the eighties that the bushy look was considered to be the height of hotness? Those things looked like wet mops.

-Her greatest atrocity of all, but I am sure you know what I am talking about. I really feel as though the warning signs came at the beginning. The show's original theme song, and yes, I know that there were two, the first one, sung by Shawn Colvin (!) started with the line 'no, I don't tell jokes'. Kind of a bad choice for a sitcom starring Brooke Shields. No wonder that one guy offed himself.

Look, I'm back in enemy territory, but let's just say this: The funniest thing on the show was either that guy who pronounced the name 'Todd' with a funny accent, or Judd Nelson trying (and failing) to look like he wasn't doing coke. Also, suddenly we were supposed to believe that four people worked at some trendy magazine, an editor, a photographer, a journalist, a rival journalist oh wait, I think one of them worked in the mail room...and wait, what the hell did everyone else do? They didn't even go to staff meetings. In fact, even the actual cast seemed like they just hung around the office trading 'quips'. Even Susan's nana seemed to do more at that magazine, whatever it was called! But of course, the greatest atrocity on that show wasn't that Brooke Shields' comic timing was as natural as the always guffawing audience. It was...I'll save that for my next entry. It will suddenly make sense why I made this a two-parter when you read that one.

R.I.P. Cory Lidle

2006-10-12T23:17:00.000-04:00

What, I'm supposed to make a joke about this thing? Frankly I don't see any comic possibilities in the whole incident. It's just a time to take comfort in...oh, who am I kidding, here's a joke I just thought of, no punchline necessary:

What's Black and White and Red all over?

Too soon?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #56 and #55 Rachael Leigh Cook and Katie Holmes

2006-10-07T00:41:00.000-04:00

Even though I have a bunch of TV channels, I end up watching the same things every night - horrible, horrible movies I would be much too embarrassed to rent. Wednesday night it was She's All That on TBS, and last night I watched First Daughter on TMN. So that makes two consecutive nights, with two consecutive horrible movies, (but, to be fair, I probably watched about twenty minutes of each 'film'), and two consecutive nights of wondering why I found both leading ladies to be so nnattractive, and also wondering to what happened to each of their careers. I also wondered what happened to my masculinity, as I watched She's All That and First Daughter on consecutive nights.

She's All That seemed very familiar, as it should, since it's the template for Not Another Teen Movie. This film really does feature the bland jock, (Freddie Prinze Jr. (!)), the blond asshole, (a pre-fame Paul Walker), the token black guy, (who knows), the bitchy ex-girlfriend, (Again, I don't know, but there seemed to be some weird sub-plot where she was dating Matthew Lilliard, who was pretending to be Puck from The Real World), annoying younger brother, (one of the Culkins, Rory, maybe?)and the helpful younger sister, (Anna Paquin, who apparently is no longer an Aussie). Also, the film's plot is ripped off by NATM, but itself rips off Pygmalion, Hello, Dolly, anad every other sroy involving turning an ugly girl into a pretty one. So on a bet Freddie transforms the ugliest girl at school into the prom queen. Along the way, she transforms from ugly duckling into a swan, they start to like each other, she finds out that it was a bet, some drama, they end up falling in love, the end. Sorry if I ruined it for you. But along the way, Rachael Leigh Cook looked much better as a long-haired bespectacled nerd than whatever they turned her into at the end. She's one of those weird people, along with Rachael Ray, (coincidence?), who manage to look both really fat and grossly skinny at the same time. Oh, and what happened top Rachael Leigh Cook's career. One minute there was She's All That and Josie and the Pussycats, and the next minute, well, have you heard from her lately? I guess that's she's not all that.

Oh, and Katie Holmes? The less said about First Daughter, the better. Sadly, this was the first (or is it second?) of two movies to feature the President's daughter going off to college and dating, with the other one starring fellow unhottie Mandy Moore. In this one, the president is noted soccer player Michael Keaton, and I wish that the movie featured a paper bag, because I am curious to see whether Katie Holmes could act her way out of one. She is all bug eyes and sheepish smiles. Strangely, I don't remember her being this clueless in Dawson's Creek, (or this unsexy), and I really wanted her to be this bad in that show. At least then I wouldn't feel as disgusted that a semi-attactive woman, (two if you count Micheele Williams), would go for guys as creepy as Dawson and that dork from the Mighty Ducks. And I don't mean Emilio Estevez. In First Daughter, Katie Holmes, (or as she calls herself now, 'Kate Holmes), really is the Last Daughter.

And what to say Katie Holmes' career in stark contrast to Rachael Leigh Cook's. Katie Holmes is probably more famous now than she ever was, but it's for all the wrong reasons. In truth, the last daughter I would want to be is Suri, because that means that my father would be psychiatric medicine hating Thomas Mapother, or as he is called in the industry, wrll, if you don't know by now, you should probably read some sort of magazine or something. Or at least my blog AND a magazine.

Sadly, tonight I didn't see a horrible movie, but, on the subject of the last topic, I did meet a girl who had never heard of Deal or No Deal. She was completely unfamiliar with the concept of the show entirely. Yet she very familiar with the show Prison Break. What's the Deal with that? Also, Howie Mandel mentioned that his daughter is over nineteen, and hopefully, she is stalkable. Although she will probably go on to star in some gawdawful movie and a creep like me will write about how she is unsexy. We can only hope. At least she'll be germ free.

Chinese Take me Out to the Ballgame

2006-10-05T13:47:00.000-04:00

I've got another unsexy post on the way, but before I do that I just wanted to mention the baseball play-offs. Spefically, that I've been disappointed with the outcome of every game so far. It's a good thing that I didn't make my play-off picks this year, because so far in the first round, I would have picked Minnesota, San Diego and Los Angeles. The only series that I picked the winner was the Yankees, and it's not like I'm happy that they won. Still, it's not like the series' are over yet, and especially in Oakland's case, they've been here before, up 2-0 and losing.

Before it stale-dates, I just wanted to mention the starting pitching match-up of yesterday's Mets-Yankees game. It was Derek Lowe versus John Maine. Did anybody else notice that it's the Chinese Take-out match?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #57 Gwen Stefani

2006-10-02T23:14:00.000-04:00

Hey Baby! There was no doubt that Gwen was going to be on this list. Though I'm writing on a Monday Night, and not Sunday Morning, I'm still confident that Gwen's probably not going to Hollaback, Girl, when she reads this. Much more than Just a Girl, Gwen Stefani said It's My Life, and decided to kick those three creepy guys who hung out with her back to the curb. In effect, she was telling them "Don't Speak". Luckily for Gwen, her solo career has been Hella Good, so I'm sure she was probably thinking to herself What You Waiting For? So Let Me Blow Your Mind with a theory of mine. I suspect that Underneath It All, Gwen Stefani is a money hungry performer, willing to adapt to any genre that is currently popular. How else to explain her transition from Indian-dotted Ska-Punk princess, into aslangin' street tough R & B diva. Guest appearances on Snoop Dogg and Pharrell tracks? What about your dream to front a Madnessesque band? Oh Gwen, that's Tragic, Kingdom.

Personally, I would prefer Gwen Stefani if I spied her in webs, (Instant Star reference?), as she is really quite plain. She did some video where she didn't wear make-up in order to show just how cool she is, but sadly she looked much worse in that other videos in which she had pink hair. Ex-girlfriend, indeed. Even though Gwen may moved forward with her life, her husband Gavin remains completely stuck in the 1990s. Everything Zen? I don't think so.

So Gavin may no longer be in Bush, (snicker), but Gwen Stefani's career is so high as a solo artist. She can afford to buy her husband all kinds of luxurious purchases. Now when is she going to get around to breaking up with that English square and start dating someone like Xhibit or Chingy. Take a chance, you stupid ho.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #58 Ellen DeGeneres

2006-09-29T02:00:00.000-04:00

And now back to our business. Has it been that long since I last selected a female celeb as unsexy? Well, this should bring us right back, and with a twist! Ellen, I really don't care all that much that you are a lesbian. That still doesn't account for the fact that you are really not all that funny. Oh sure, your sitcom, (whoops, I mean talk show), may be good for a chuckle here and there, (look Ellen dances to black music like a white person! Hi-larious! She knows all the words to the Salt N' Pepa song Shoop! Man that's good stuff!)

Ultimately, her talk show seems just like an extension of Rosie O'Donnell's. Think about it. Unattactive white lesbian / comedienne strikes out in movies / sitcoms, decides to go talk route. Show is bland and inoffensive. Stars come out, and voila, a hit! One thing going for Ellen, At least she doesn't pretend to have a crush on Tom Cruise. What was up with that, Rosie? Sadly, white non-gay men haven't seemed to be able to replicate the formula. Donny Osmond? No Mormon. Danny Bonaduce? Dead Partidge. Tony Danza? Nobody wanted to hold him closer. Hey no, no eh. There's a time for love and time for livin', but no time for Tony's show. It's an Extravagaflopza! Also, Tony didn't do enough of what he does best, that is flipping go-karts, conducting interviews in character, buying Samantha a brassiere and fending off Mona's advances. And something to do with Jonathan.

But back to DeGeneres, (or as Pat Buchanan nicknamed her: Ellen DeGenerate, or as my parents much more cleverly nicknamed her: Ellen DeGenderless), she's been unsexy since long before she came out. Did anybody believe her romance with best friend Adam or any other relationship on her sitcom? I saw much more passion between Ellen and Joely Fisher or between her and that annoying actress that played Audrey. And certainly Ellen has done well for herself in her choice of partners, as Anne Heche was sort of hot before she became all weird, her other ex-girlfriend is cute too and Portia De Rossi is a smokin' hottie. So Ellen must be doin' somethin' right. And it's certainly not makin' me think she's in any way feminine, as that movie where she made out with the also gross Sharon Stone proved. Also, she's a comedienne, right, and future host of the Oscars, but you tell me one of her bits / jokes, any one at all. She's like a female Jerry Seinfeld, but without any of the memorable bits. That in itself is kind of unsexy. Number 58? I'm being DeGenerous!

Red is Best

2006-09-25T03:32:00.001-04:00

Today I bought David Ortiz, Wily Mo Pena, Carlos Pena, and Julian Tavarez a bottle of sake. At least, I think it happened. I may have dreamt it.

Canadian Idol's Chad Doucette and Eva Avila are Dating, Headline Reads:

2006-09-17T15:58:00.000-04:00

- Game, Doucette, Match

- Who Would Have Eva Seen This Coming?

- Chad's Hands Not Idol

- Is This Pairing Temporary or ForEva?

- Regardless of Final Vote, Eva faces problem of a Hanging Chad

- They Really Made That Relationship Their Own

- Eva Hits High Note, Low Note with Chad

- Chantal Kreviazuk Gives The New Couple Advice: Try Not To Be As Obnoxious as Raine and Me

- Chad Feasts on Eva's Blood

- Laid in Canada

- Doucetting the Record Straight

- Ryan Malcolm Realizes That He Missed The Boat With Gary Beals

- I Almost had a Heart AZack When I found Out

- Doucette Cops Avila

- Elena Juatco Reports on The Union, Yet Fails To Add Me on Facebook

- Tony Bennett Offers Chad Some Of His Viagra

- Eva And Chad Do It In The Style Of Melissa and Rex

- Boy, Was Ben Mulroney's Face Red When He Found Out. Wait, He Always Looks Like That

- Eva Says To Chad: That Was Your Best Performance So Far

- It Chad to be You

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #59 Juliette Lewis

2006-09-15T01:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the last one may have been a little obscure, and I'm not talking about Jude. This one is well-known...but still kind of obscure. Why the heck is Juliette Lewis so famous? I can only name about five Juliette Lewis movies off the top of my head. There was Natural Born Killers, where Juliette and hemp-fueled Woody Harrelson shot everything that moved. This film inspired outrage over glorifying violence, though it didn't seem to harm the careers of controversy lovin' director Oliver, the Woodman, (cheers!), or, in an inspired bit of casting, the late Rodney Dangerfield (!) as Juliette Lewis' father. He may have got no respect, but it wasn't because of this film. It is hard to believe that the comic famous for lines like "A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!" could play such a horrible person.

Sadly, the other wacky casting choice was Juliette Lewis. I call the choice wacky because I find her kind of creepy without having to play a serial killer. She just seems kind of unhinged, but in a completely harmless, kind of whiny way. Also, didn't she star in a serial killer movie just like Natural Born Killers the year before, with her then-boyfriend Brad Pitt? I think it was called Kalifornia. Talk about typecasting! Also, dating Brad Pitt, that's kind of lame. I wonder if he was talking about Africa yet, or he was still focused on how he is so awesome? Also, Brad Pitt may be the most average looking guy in the world, but even he's a step up over the 'unconventional' Juliette Lewis.

I think that the role Juliette is best known for is being Owen Wilson's creepy wife, who was always having strange men over for S & M adventures. Oh, that wacky Juliette! Owen was so despondent, that he turned to skanky Dr. Meredith Grey from Seattle Grace for some rebound nookie. Meanwhile, Juliette invited Will Ferrell over for a MMF threesome. Now there's a nasty image. Despite Juliette finally playing to type in Old School, she was in the film, for what, like a minute? Hell, my old classmate and Cyrano de Bergerac director Patrick Adams had a bigger part in Old School, and he didn't even really have a role or a name!

I guess that Juliette may also be famous for her role in fellow hottie Melissa Etheridge's music video, for some song I can't remember, playing, (what else?) a crazy person. I guess the song was "Come to my Window", but who the hell cares? Also, Juliette for some reason was cast in a movie where she was the 'normal' one, alongside an equally miscast 'normal' Johnny Depp, in that movie where Depp has a retarded Leonardo DiCaprio for a brother and a five hundred pound Momma. I still thought the mother was hotter than Juliette. What's eating me?

I think that Juliette was in another movie where she was the retarded one, but alas, it came out way too late for me to care, and that's a feat in itself. I know the names of way too many movies based on their crappy plot. A movie where a blind Agent Mulder falls in love with Minnie Driver for some reason: At First Sight. A film in which Christian Slater has a baboon heart or something and falls in love with Marisa Tomei: Untamed Heart. A film in which Juliette Lewis is retarded and falls in love with...I feel like it was Blossom's alcoholic brother, and some Savage Garden song was in the previews, (see, that I remember!): I have no idea. Can anybody solve this puzzler?

Juliette was also in Strange Days, which is about the futuristic year 1999. I remember seeing this film on video when it came out, and can recall absolutely nothing about it except for the fact that the future is dirty, nobody parties like it's 1999, Ralph Fiennes is in it, (which seemed a big deal at the time, since he'd only been in prestige films, not crap like this), and I was sad that in a post-apocalypltic future Juliette Lewis was considered attractive enough to be spared. Also, the film became instantly dated, due to Y2K being a complete bust, while Demolition Man remains a true harbinger of future events. I'm still anticipating Taco Bell becoming the only restaurant in the entire world. Fuck Yeah!

Oh, but Juliette has acted in so much more, at least according to imdb. I completely forgot that she was the daughter in Cape Fear, and Robert De Niro was the psychopath, schyeah right! Also, she was in the J-Lo smash hit Enough, (news to me!), and Bill Campbell was the psychopath in that one, schyeah right! and apparently Juliette was in an episode of *promo alert* Dharma and Greg, sadly during the show's 'less good' years.

Also, she's been in...well, that's really about it. I am really surprised that for a woman as well-known as Juliette Lewis she really hasn't had a starring role for over ten years. No wonder she seems to have fallen out of acting and is concentrating on her music career, (she's in a band or something). I think they are called Juliette and the Licks. No thanks! But hey, I'm sure that in her band, she's the 'wacky' one onstage. Hey Juliette, you're really quite lucky, how many celebs can lay claim to being really creepy and unsexy in bith music and movies? Just you! And, I guess, Kelly Osbourne. But that's it!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #60 Cobie Smulders

2006-09-13T15:18:00.000-04:00

I know what you're thinking. Cobie Smulders? Who, or what is that? Well, I'm glad that you thought that, (I hope). Cobie Smulders is an actress and model from Canada, ewho stars on that new show with Doogie Howser. I would like to say that I've seen it, though I'm not really sorry that I haven't.

While she's not exactly a household name, that's precisely the reason I thought of looking up Cobie Smulders in the first place. That name is kind of strange. It could be a man, woman, black, white, type of peanut butter, excuse, (sorry, I'd like to go out, but I have to stay home and Cobie Smulders), exotic pet, expression that a crazy person uses, (shouting out 'Cobie Smulders' at passerbys), pretty much anything.

So for a chick that rocks a name like Cobie Smulders, she better make up for it with her looks. Though sadly, looking at her pictures...she doesn't. Actress / model / whatever? Schya right!

Cobie Smulders! See, I'm a crazy person.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #61 Jessica Simpson

2006-09-11T18:41:00.000-04:00

All in all, it has been quite a tough month for the elder Simpson sister. First her younger sister Ashlee finally gets a nose job and quite frankly, looks much less worse than she used to. Then there's her having to avoid Nick Lachey at all kinds of 'major' events, (Teen Choice Awards, MTV Video Music Awards), whilst Nick parades around with his new girlfriend, who apparently is some MTV VJ. Plus, Nick's ex-girlfriend is the star of Laguna Beach, some crappy MTV show. Geez, talk about keeping it in the family. Also, Nick may be at the height of his popularity, more than with his shitty boy band, more than on their reality show. That Axe Clik commercial brings together two of my least favorite things, (Nick Lachey and Axe), and yet I find the commercial to be excellent. Also, his solo career might be taking off, but even if it doesn't, we're still talking about Nick Lachey.

So what's Jessica got going for her? Well, her new song "A Public Affair" sounds just like "Holiday", and in the video she looks kind of terrible. What's worse, is that she is upstaged by Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate, and (sigh!) Andy Dick. Just kind of sad. Oh, and let's see, aside from avoiding Nick Lachey, (I thought that their love was forever, and now they can't even be in the same room as each other?) Jessica has to shoot down rumors of going out with her co-star Dane Cook, a dork who somebody must have decided was funny, because I sure don't. Interestingly enough, while still with Nick, Jessica had to shoot down rumors that she was going out with her co-star Johnny Knoxville, a dork who somebody must have decided was funny. Then there's her latest rumored romance, with of all people, John Mayer. Aside from possibly creating the grossest children alive, with giant heads and boobs, (where were ya on that one, Conan?), I heard that John Mayer dumped Jessica because she was using him for publicity.

Ugly ass kids aside, I figured that 'Johnssica' would have a promising future together due to their parallel lives. In the John Mayer song 'Daughters', sensitive white boy Mayer urges fathers to be good to their daughters, even though John Mayer's sole purpose in life is to write charming ballads that trick women into sleeping with John Mayer, despite his lack of physical attractiveness. In the same vein, Jessica was complimented on her big boobs, by of all people, her father, svengali Joe Simpson. Ick.

So now all that Jessica has is some movie with Dane Cook where they work at Costco, another crappy album, the shame of being dumped by John Mayer, and her 'looks'. Though she was kind of weird looking to begin with, Jessica Simpson seems to be wandering ever closer to nasty cougar territory. Think about it. She's already been married and divorced and is soon to be a has-been at, what, twenty-six? As far as I can see it, all that's left for Jessica is Vegas, porn, Dollywood, or some sort of career as a self-mocking celebrity a la (sigh!) Andy Dick. A public affair? Hopefully Jessica will remain in public long to stay in people's affairs.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #62 Hillary Clinton / Condoleezza Rice

2006-09-09T18:40:00.000-04:00

No matter what side of the American political spectrum you find yourself on, (I am a moderate, according to facebook), it is easy to agree that Condi and Hills are not exactly what you would call sexy. Hillary looked kind of sexy in a bookish way before her makeover, but now she just looks like a Stepford politician. I'm just going to ease inta Condoleezza. Even though she's an accomplished pianist and speaks five languages, there is something too polished about that exterior. What is behind that always unruffled appearance? Besides, what kind of nickname is Condi, especially for Condoleezza. Shouldn't she be called Condo? Make you own joke here.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #63 Trish Stratus

2006-09-09T18:28:00.000-04:00

Boy, where have I been lately? I assure you all that this series is alive and well, and will wrap up whilst everyone is alive and well enough to enjoy it. Envoy!

About a lifetime ago, I worked at the C.N.E. (did it really just wrap up on Monday?) Though I did not have time to blog, (except once), I still thought of future entries in my downtime of being a carnie. Funnily enough, one of the female celebs who was going to appear on my list happened to show up at the C.N.E. Guess what? Seeing her in real life didn't make me any less obliged to place her on this list.

For those of you who have never seen her before, Trish Stratus is a female wrestler. She doesn't just stand around and look pretty, but she's an actual brawler. This was fairly evident by the bruises I saw on her arms, which apparently are glossed over for television. However, it was the bruises that I did not see that earn her a spot on this list, for Trish Stratus has freakishly oversized boobs that someone must find attractive, because I sure don't. Oh, Trish also has faux blonde hair, caked-on make-up, is really kind of short, smelled of gross perfume and blinded me with her orange skin. In short, she's 1. 2. 3. Unsexy. In fact, all female wrestlers seem to be. There must be a demand for this 'look', or maybe the wrestling demographic does not care either way. Just because the wrestling is fake, that doesn't mean that the women have to be as well.

A partial list of UnsEXy things

2006-08-28T21:23:00.000-04:00

- Mean people
- Cigarettes
- Cigarillos
- Mullets (often seen traveling in pairs)
- Shaggy hair on boys (is that making a comeback?)
- Big huge arm tattoos
- Little elaborate tattoos
- Cool Asians
- Nerdy Asians
- Families that travel in packs of sixteen
- Those baeards that are just like little thin lines
- A surprising amount of Jays hats. That is one ugly logo.
- Yankees hats. Yankees anything. As my brother said today upon returning from England, "The Yankess are a brand". Apparently Yankess stuff is popular there too.
- Stickers on hats. I don't give a shit whether your hat is authentic or not.
- Oh, and if you are going to keep the brim flat, at least keep it shielded over your eyes, rather than backwards to the side. Otherwise, what's the point?
- Those stupid black hats with the outline of a logo. why even bother with a logo in the first place is nobody is going to see it?
- Hats featuring every team in a league, or worse, the logo of the league. I remember that Fat Joe sported an 'NBA' cap in the video for "What's Luv?" a few years back, and it made me laugh. At least it made me appreciate Fat Joe.
- I did see this one hat I really liked. It had all of the Cleveland Indians logo from over the years, all around the cap, and then said Indians on the front. I was impressed, and would like to see this for teams other than the Indians.
- Polo shirts with the collars popped. why do we all suddenly want to look like James Spader in Pretty in Pink? I always thought that poppin' your collar with a pink shirt meant that it was a signal that you were available for male attention, or at least would consider it. Just because Three 6 Mafia does something, that doesn't mean that the rest of us should do it as well.
- I kind of feel bad for thse kids becuase they probably can't afford any better, but those generic Toronto basketball jerseys that vaguely match the color scheme, but don't say 'Raptors' anywhere, and just feature the number 4 and not Chris Bosh's last name. I figure either spring for the real jersey or just make one yourself!
- Jerseys of a player who is no longer on the team, such a Vince Carter jerseys from the same Toronto Raptors. Unless that player is retired, or they are returing to their former stadium for the first time that night, if you are wearing this jersey you end up either looking woefulyl behind the times, or just cheap.
- Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant jerseys. I figure that AI's time has passed, and a Kobe jersey just invites thoughts of Colorado. Also, retro jerseys with current players is kind of lame. They seem to be selling a lot of those retro Lakers jerseys with Kobe's number 8, but if you found a real Minneapolis Laker player, I would be much more impressed. The best basketball jersey I've seen is a New Orleans Jazz jersey with Pistol Pete Maravich on the back. It was probably stitched in 2003, but it still looked really, really good.
- In fact, if you have any jersey that you really have to think about the player having only seen the front and the number, I would say that it's successful. Steve Nash jerseys? Boring. That goes double for Nash Mavericks jerseys.
- What is with those Mecca jerseys? They look Wal-Martish
- I'm not really a fan on Enyce clothing either, especially on white guys.
- For girls, booty shorts and giant hoop earrings are still kind of nasty looking, and probably always will be.
- Girls should probably also reconsider bad dye jobs, those piercings that are off-center between the nose and lips, hair extensions, shirts that say 'Princess', (especially if you are thirty-five!), overplucked eyebrows, giant aviator sunglasses if you are not a licensed aviator, (those weren't even hot two years ago), Tattoos that are people's names, (why?), body glitter, three inch heels, (or pretty much any sort of heels), fake eyelashes and any sort of perfume that lingers long after you have walked away. Also, pink cellphones. I get it, you're a girl and use a cellphone. You don't need to emphasize that fact.
- You know what is sexy on women? Burkas.
- I don't get those little white clumps of hair that Sikh / Hindu children wear. I am all for headscarves, turbans, beards, any other sort of religious covering, but why only cover some of the hair and not all? It makes no sense to me.
- Underwear as outerwear.
- The combination of low-slung jeans and a big ol' belly.
- Neck tattoos
- People who walk as if they don't care who is watching them, but really, really care who is watching them.
- Loudly swearing in front of children. Let the kids learn swearing on their own.
- Groups of three or more guys all wearing basically the same outfit.
- Wacros.

Dharmageddon

2006-08-16T00:02:00.000-04:00

So I got this Dharma and Greg Season One DVD in the mail. And I gotta say, it's really a wonderful show. The episode where Dharma and Greg want to have public sex while everyone else is watching the last episdoe of Seinfeld, is to me a classic episode. Remarks Greg and others: "Oh, that Kramer!" I have already said my piece about Jenna Elfman, but in retrospect, especialyl after tonight's episode of Criminal Minds, I realized that Thomas Gibson is the real star of the show. Plus, L.A. Law's Alan Rachins is hilarious as Dharma's burned-out hippie father. All this, and the phrase 'duck block'. I would have to say that Season One of Dharma and Greg is worth every penny. What took you so long?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #64 Macy Gray

2006-08-07T18:14:00.000-04:00

Id like to clarify my selection process. Sometimes, my order is not determined solely by unsexiness. Sometimes, there are minor celebrities that I would like to include on the list, but they are so minor that they do not even qualify. You see, it is the 'celebrity' designation that they fail, not the unsexy.

Macy Gray sort of fits in with this group. I try to think of another one of her hit songs. There was that Sexual Revolution song a few years ago, (ewwww), and well, that's about it. Basically, she had one left field hit about six years ago, and that's the extent of her celebritiness. Oh wait, there was also the dress she wore to the MTV Music Video Awards in September of 2001. That was the real tragedy. And, like I've said before, I'm not gonna find the picture for you. That's what google / yahoo is for. I believe that it was the same awards where an in-depth discussion was started about her bush. Maybe there are those who like her hair, but I think that it is as nasty as the rest of her. I would do more than try to walk away. I would run.

But still, is this enough to qualify Macy Gray as a celebrity? Well, she was in a commerical for Motorola with Madonna, ?uestlove, Iggy Pop and an actor playing the Notorious B.I.G. So that's something. Also, I just found out that she is trying her luck in movies, like the long delayed Idlewild. oh, and she had a completely inconsequential role in Scary Movie 3, (even by Scary Movie 3 standards). Plus, for some reason, she has a high recognition factor.

So therefore, as the unsexiness was never a question, (her looks, her voice, everything about Macy Gray is gross), I deem her fit to be considered a celebrity. Thus, she is my #64. Just think, if her second album had made it, (and don't give me the September 11th theory, as Jay-Z's The Blueprint, released around the same time, was a huge success), Macy Gray would have probably made it into the top 25. Alas, she will probably never make it into any format's top 25, but still somehow qualifies as a celebrity. We try to say goodbye to Macy Gray, and we choke.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #65 Uma Thurman

2006-08-06T18:11:00.000-04:00

Let's be cool and get her over with now, and kill the suspense. Some fun facts (and opinions) about Uma Thurman.

- Even she thinks she's unsexy: "Tall, sandy blonde, with sort of blue eyes, skinny in places, fat in others. An average gal."

- Her dad, Robert Thurman teaches Buddhist philosophy, thus her strange name. He was also the inspiration for the highly overrated film I heart Huckabees

- Some people do seem to find her sexy: my Dad, Quentin Tarantino, the talentless Ethan Hawke, Gary Oldman, some hotel guy, Bill, whoever thought My Super-Ex Girfriend had a chance in hell of making any money, Henry Miller, Quentin Tarantino a second time, Maxim, FHM, Empire, big and tall dress stores, (I can imagine), and Quentin Tarantino yet again.

- Uma is what is known as a 'butter face'

- David Letterman introduced Uma to Oprah at the Oscars, (as did I, on this list). Letterman later introduced Oprah and Uma to Keanu, but I'm sure that Uma and Keanu already knew each other, having both starred in Even Cowgirls get the Blues. Oprah, I hear that Oprah later gave her a picture of herself.

- Uma replaced Nicole Kidman in the movie version of The Producers, which makes sense as her character's name is 'Ulla'. Still, I would have preferred to see Cady Huffman play the movie Ulla. Maybe her pro-Bush views cost her the role.

- The truth about Cats and Dogs? At the time, I thought that Janeane Garafalo was much better-looking. Now? A draw, or maybe Uma. Janeane Garafalo did not age well. Still, if they were to remake the movie, Ben Chaplin would be lucky to get either one of them. Whatever happened to that guy? I want the truth.

- The Kill Bills were quite entertaining, but seemed a little too foot fetishy for me. Wiggle your toes? Sorry QT, you should keep it hush hush.

- Also, the Fox Force Five: Uma, Vivaca A. Fox, Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, and Michael Madsen? Ummm, I think that I'll take Madsen. Or whoever played Sofie Fatale. The one that Quentin was rumored to have a secret affair with. She was hotter than all of them, even with her arm chopped off.

- The movie where Uma was blind was hella funny. Too bad it wasn't a comedy.

- I wonder if Ethan Hawke cheated on Uma because he felt emasculated with Uma being taller than him. I imagine that this is how Tom Cruise also felt with Nicole Kidman, but rather than cheat on her, he took the graceful route and broke it off with her a month before their ten year anniversary. Oh, and he became a crazy person.

- In 1988, two movies based on Les Liaisons Dangereuses came out. The role of Cecile, the young innocent was played by the eighteen year old Uma in Dangerous Liasons. Who played that role in Valmont? The fourteen year old Fairuza Balk. Yikes. I would rather take Uma. Fairuza Balk would have definitely made the list, but she is not really famous enough.

- That Prime movie looked really creepy.

- I can imagine that in Hollywood, which is filled with short leading men, there is a conspiracy going to prevent Uma from getting nominated for an Academy Award after losing for Pulp Fiction. I imagine that this has something to with these short men not wanting to sit behind her at the awards, and being unable to see the stage. This theory explains why Uma didn't win her deserved best actress Oscar for playing Emma Peel in the movie version of The Avengers.

- In the movie Gattaca, Uma met somebody very important. No, not Ethan Hawke. The important person was actress Una Damon. I can just imagine. Uma...Una. Una...Uma. Take that, Letterman.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #66 The Woman in the Ashley Madison Commercials

2006-08-02T13:10:00.000-04:00

If I was considering cheating on my spouse, constantly seeing the big-headed buck-teeth woman from the tv ad certainly would have me reconsider. After all, what if everybody that you found on the website looked like her?

You know what? It's probably like 98% guys anyways. Single guys, at that. Can somebody find this out for me? It's affair request.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #67 Sandra Oh

2006-08-02T13:07:00.000-04:00

Oh no you didn't!

Oh yes I did!

I wouldn't even give her a Sideways glance. I don't want to explore any part of her Grey's Anatomy. I'm not missin' 'er, even at night. Um, something involving the show Arli$$, reconstituted to sound kind of pervy.

Oh yeah!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #68 Claire Danes

2006-07-30T23:16:00.000-04:00

My so-called blog post this evening was a long time in the making. I've been trying to be all inclusive as to the unsexy women - Canadians, Europeans, Americans, and then I realized that I was forgetting somebody - Danes! Keeping with this internatioanl flavour, this post is in part dedicated to Claire Danes' Aussie ex-boyfriend Ben Lee. His new song is catchy, but boy, is he one weird looking dude. Ig guess that's why he became a musician at such a young age.

But Clairly, this series, (hopefully not short-lived) is about the ladies, not the fellas. And this lady certainly represents the standard of unsexiness. Ever wonder who turned Rickie gay? Or Jared Leto, (briefly?) Now you know. I certainly wouldn't have chased after Claire Danes. I can only assume that Brian was on Krakow.

Now, if I judged Claire Danes' sexiness only on the merits of her cult TV show, this blog would probably cost me about 25 to life. So let's just say that her weirdlookingness, (yeah, that's a word) extended into her adulthood. Sadly, looking through her filmography, I realized that I haven't seen a single one of her movies since The Rainmaker, (not even on The Movie Network). Damn. But I have one more source in which to render this actress unsexy. And that source is Baz Luhrmann's semi-enjoyable Romeo + Juliet. It was okay I guess, but Clairly no Moulin Rouge! (yeah, I made the same joke twice, whatever! Also, what's with Luhrmann's overuse of punctuation?????????)

From what Shakespeare has taught me, Juliet is supposed to be gorgeous. Olivia Hussey in the Zeffirelli movie had it down. But Danes? She looked average at best. Certainly not worth killing yourself or others over, perhaps not even maiming self or others for. In fact, I found Leonardo DiCaprio to be better lookin' in that movie, and I in no way shape or form find Leo to be attractive. So he really was fortune's fool. C'mon, Romeo on Student Bodies got better looking chicks than Claire Danes! Now Romeo Carter, there was a sexy man. Wherefore art thou, the actor who played Romeo Carter?

Oh, and if you think Claire Danes was too young in that movie to yet be considered sexy, it is based on a Shakespeare play. So it's definitely okay + necessary to have judged Claire Danes based solely on that film. I hoped that this is suitable Clarfication. For never was there a tale of more woe, than this of Claire Danes and I gotta go.

N Sync's Lance Bass comes out

2006-07-28T03:35:00.000-04:00

Now I realize why he wanted to go to space - it was to get to Uranus.

It's funny that he came out as gay. I always thought he was bi bi bi.

He came out Justin time to steal the thunder from his ex-bandmate.

They did always stick Lance in the back of the N Sync videos.

Now, did he figure out he was gay right away, or did he have to Lancealot?

Wait, you mean all there were people around who thought he wasn't gay?

This gives hope to seeing a sequel to On the Line called On the Manline.

Wonder if he told Nelly about this. Rather than Nelly guesting in Girlfriend, Lance could have dueted on Batter up. Now batting in front of Lance Bass...

Your move, Joey Fatone.

What really surprised me the most about this: seeing Lance Bass alone on the cover of a magazine. Enjoy it while you can, Lance! Pretty soon it will be gone.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #69 The Spice Girls

2006-07-20T21:24:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. Somebody to explain to me how five English birds can come out of nowhere, (the poor part of England that nobody ever wants to talk about), and just become the biggest entity ever. Millions of albums sold, music videos, that ridiculous 'Stop' dance, trading cards, breakfast cereals, dolls, t-shirts, concerts, that SNL appearance where they used their own voices instead of lip-synching and sounded horrible, (hello Ashlee Simpson!), the uncanny ability to record catchy pop songs, and of course, Spice World the movie, (which I saw opening day in the theatre, completely inexcusable, but in my defense I was plastered). It all came together so quickly, and they seemed poised to stay top forever, (Viva Forever?) Then Ginger left the group, they had one lame album, and that was all she wrote. Too much of something, or not enough?

Of course, this rags to riches to rags story is written countless times throughout music history. The difference in this story is that though they are all still alive and well, (except for Posh, more on that later), and could still achieve success as solo artists. The problem is that for all the post-Spice Girls singles, not a single one has been even remotely as popular as Wannabe, or even Say You'll be There. The closest any one of them has ever come to a single is a damn cover, Ginger's remarkably superfluous version of 'It's Raining Men'. Of course, it's not uncommon for a group to break up and have limited success in the solo vein, for a group to be that big and to have so little post-group success is astounding.

But ultimately, the single greatest aspect of the Spice Girls legacy that I just cannot fathom is just how unsexy each one of them really is / was. Let's face it, they were five young, fit girls from England. Though their 'music' was targeted towards teenage girls, without pervy old men they never would have zigazigahhed even once. They used their sexy image to their advantage, wearing hoochie outfits and skanky make-up as part of the teen-pop craze, (which is now called 'emo'). For all of this posturing, the sexy moves cleverly disguised as 'girl power', there was very little cream on these English tarts. They were all sugar, and no spice.

Let's start with Baby Spice. She was cute, maybe, if you squinted hard enough, but she was also named 'Baby Spice'. Once they put her (fake) blonde hair into pigtails, it was all over. Even pervy old men weren't that pervy.

Then you had Scary Spice. She sure was scary. The tongue ring, the 'devil horned' hair, the strange accent, and the curly afro, and the over the top even for them leopard catsuit, better suited Scary Spice to be 'the quirky one'.

Next there was Sporty Spice. She was the one group member who could actually sing. Therefore, you knew she would be the ugly one, (see Club 7, S). The barbed wire tattoo and nose ring didn't help matters, and 'sporty' can easily be misconstrued as 'lesbian'. Hands up if you find the Indigo Girls sexy. I thought so.

The most famous Spice Girl, then and now, had to be Posh Spice. I love how every song gave Posh one line, and then she went back to pretending to sing the chorus. She really did not know how to sing. Yet she was the most famous. Why? Because she's a damn groupie. David Beckham must do something important, because the English tabloids wouldn't be focusing this obsessively on Posh and Craig David, (whatever happened to him?) If you held a gun to my head in 1997 and asked me to pick the sexiest spice girl, it would be Posh in a walk. However, she's now a bag of bones with aviator sunglasses on, the British Nicole Richie, and only sexy in that museum of Egyptology sort of way. So now if you asked me to pick the sexiest Spice Girl, I would have to say the one they kicked out of the group. No, I don't mean the famous one they kicked out of the group, I mean the one they kicked out at the beginning because she didn't 'gel' with the other girls. And I say that she's the sexiest in part because I have no idea what she looks like, and because she's not a has-been at thirty. She's a never-was, which is far sexier. This is why Pete Best is a bigger icon than Ringo Starr.

But oh, what the famous Spice Girl that got away. This is of course, Ginger Spice, or Sexy Spice as she was called until she objected on the grounds that she's not sexy. Ginger, you epitomize everything trashy about the Spice Girls. From those nude photos that came out, where we discovered that, hey, you're not Ginger Spice after all, to being named a United Nations goodwill ambassador, to her Union Jack outfits and flashing peace signs, Ginger seemed to be the only Spice Girl to be 'in the know'. She was the only one to wink at the camera in the Olde English style of Benny Hill or Monty Python. She's probably the only one who could have been a solo star, but she left the group too early to capitalize. Of course, once the Spice Rack lost Ginger, the rest just didn't taste the same. Perhaps if Ginger hadn't unveiled her new body, completely free of curves and gasp! blonde hair! in the video that ripped off Flashdance, she might have had a chance. I believe that Ginger without boobs spilling out of her gaudy outfit and red hair is essentially Baby Spice. Had she stayed Ginger, we would have loved her. After all, she was the survivor! Ultimately, I believe that Ginger got shoved aside by another quintessentially English woman with red hair, and America wasn't big enough for the both of them. Say it with me now: You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

Hasta Manana, Spice Girls. Even Ginger Spice, the one who could have been famous sans spice, wasn't sexy for a second. Five unsexy English lasses: Emma Bunton, Melanie Brown, Melanie Chisholm, Victoria Beckham and Geri Halliwell, for a few brief shining years, got to tell the colours of the world to spice up their lives. Hi Ci Ya Hold Tight.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #70 Joan Rivers

2006-07-20T20:36:00.000-04:00

After all the disagreement with my last few choices, here's an unsexy female celeb that everyone can agree on! It's not just that she's old, irritating and clueless. Nor is it that she's totally hideous from any number of plastic surgeries. What really makes Joan Rivers unsexy is the fact that she turned her daughter Melissa onto fake journalism, 'what are you wearing' and hideously disfiguring plastic surgery. So now they look like carbon copies of each other. Thanks, Mom!

Can we talk about Joan Rivers? No, let's just move on! We've got many Rivers to cross. Not that I would ever cross her. Eh! Eh!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #72 and #71 Hilarys Duff and Swank

2006-07-19T03:07:00.000-04:00

I will give you a million dollars, baby, if you can explain how the star of The Next Karate Kid and Beverly Hills 90210, (the sucky years) has two academy awards, for best not supporting actress, and the cover of Vanity fair this week. The vanity Fair cover can be explained by the fact that she went into detail about how Chad Lowe used to be a basehead, (how Lowe can that family get?) But as for the two academy awards, it's certainly not because she's pretty. The 'sexy' shots in vanity Fair were anything but. She looked better as a boy. That just makes me want to cry. I'd say more like Hilary Skank, but good luck with that. Think about it. Two best actress oscars, and I dare you to name another movie she's been in. Just one. Okay, there was one that was set in Alaska from Robin Williams' 'creepy' phase. I remember seeing that movie, and I think it cured my insomnia. Hoo-ah!

And as for you Ms. Duff, wake up! You lived a pretty good life marketing yourself as the anti-Britney, all sweet and bubblegum and wholesome, with your 'Stuff by Duff' clothing line, and your show on the Disney Channel which I know nothing about. But let's face it, Duffer, you're almost nineteen now. That cute as a button shtick might have worked at sixteen, but now you're at the age when I could ogle you and not feel sleazy about it. Besides, your boyfriend Joel, you know the dork from Good Charlotte who you pretended to be just friends with until you turned eighteen is two years older than I am. You're basically Fez and Lindsay Lohan, (why does it always come back to Fez), and my guess is that you're a skank underneath it all. And you're a fake blonde. And your less famous sister was in Napoleon Dynamite, while the best you've done was either Agent Cody Banks or Cheaper by the Dozen 2 . So yesterday you were the face of T-Mobile and tomorrow you'll be living in a mobile home wearing t-shirts. And your shitty music will no longer liked by twelve year old girls. I hope that your lips stay sealed.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #73 Rosario Dawson

2006-07-17T04:12:00.000-04:00

You're not off the hook yet Mr Kevin Smith. For your latest film, you decided to sex it up, (as if Dante and Randal aren't sexy enough), by bringing in Rosario Dawson.

No offense to Miss Dawson, (yeah, right!), but personally, I found the transexual in Rent to be much sexier than her Mimi. I know that's not saying a lot coming from me, but okay...there's this subway ad for Clerks II which I tend to have seen a lot lately. In it, are the five principals from the film. And I gotta say that Rosario looks like a fifteen year old Mexican boy in it, who has one of those in-between haircuts and shave his mustache for the first time. I mean, if you are thinking of how good Kevin Smith looks in the poster, well, your eyes are definitely in the wrong place.

Besides, how is it sexing up a movie when you bring in an actress whose big break was describing how many ways she's been violated in Kids. Come to think of it, Kevin Smith's train of thought becomes a lot clearer when you think about it this way. Who else is a better fit for a sequel to a movie about snowballing and 37, than an actress who starred in possibly the only film of the era with filthier dialogue? This does not change the fact that Rosario Dawson has a really large head.

Huhhhh. Head.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #74 Shannon Elizabeth

2006-07-12T23:16:00.000-04:00

Hmmm. Shannon Elizabeth. I wouldn't even do her at band camp.

maybe if she hadn't dropped her ethnic sounding last name, gotten breast implants, always looked like she has something weird going on with her eyes, and generally not be able to act at all, (oh, and not been from Texas), I might have liked her better.

But really, has her material been all good?

American Pie - C'mon, 'Nadia', the sexy foreign exchange student. Who's fooling who? I saw a lot of foreign exchange students at U of T, but none of them looked anything remotely like Nadia. They did have something funny about their eyes, though.

Scary Movie - Much as I like the Wayans brothers, and do like them a little, man, she couldn't really handle parody. I know that horror movie actresses are supposed to be bad, but she didn't really seem to be parodying bad, but just was bad. Scary.

That 70's Show - Oh, that 70s show! I just saw an episode tonight, (I blame my brother), where she played the mother of Kelso's child. I can't really remember what happened to this plotline. I think they just dropped it entirely . Ashton Kutcher with a woman his own age? Yeah right! Then the show resorted to stunt casting like having Wilmer's underage hottie girlfriend Lindsay play a girl who had a crush on Fez. That was so daring. Anyways, Shannon Elizabeth did this entire episode on the phone, i.e. away from the other actors probably because she was being filmed separately. Maybe she didn't 'gel' with the other actors, and this was a way to include her in the show without actually including her. Anyways, if you are being acted circles around by Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderamma, then that's a good sign that you're probably elizabeth inept at what you do. Shann, oh shann.

Tomcats - I saw this movie on The Movie Network one (late) night. It was of those pass the time movies. I still can't decide whether it's so bad as to be good, or if it was just godawful and I feel sorry for it. Anyways, this little piece of cinematic heaven featured an auto-pilot Jerry O'Connell, who in my opinion peaked with Stand By Me. Jerry was probably also a little bit sad that Sliders got cancelled, there never was a Joe's Apartment 2, and that Mariah Carey dumped ice on his lap. This movie features one of the most unsympathetic leading characters, played by Jake Busey. His character is supposed to be irritating, but I couldn't even tolerate a single minute that Lil' Busey was on screen. So why did I like this movie so much, (I think)? Simple. The gross jokes are fast and furious, (and comfortably predictable), and the interchanges between Jerry and Shannon Elizabeth, as his love interest, is so unbelievably awful as to be awesome. Shannon elizabeth is so wooden in this movie, she has to be seen to believed. Tomcats is also notable for featuring a seven year old named Dakota Fanning, who was already acting rings around Shannon Elizabeth. Dakota is still going strong at twelve, and Shannon Elizabeth seems to be fanning.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - Shannon Elizabeth looked like she was going to throw up every time she had to get close to Jason Mewes. I don't blame her. Still, anybody could have played Justice. And what was with the glasses? Clerks Part Deux had better be good, Kevin Smith. Great, now I'm the loser that he makes fun of in all of his movies. Ha-hoy!

Gee, Shannon Elizabeth seems to have a high profile for someone who hasn't really been in anything. I guess there's something to be said for all that stuff I made fun of her about in the beginning. Or maybe it's because she got naked a bunch of time early in her career. Yeah, that seems to be the one. I guess that's the Kevin Smith theory from American Pie all over again. Now...I have to...go...

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #75 Mauro / Maura Camoranesi

2006-07-09T23:43:00.000-04:00

I couldn't be happier about Italy winning the World Cup. It's not that I care about soccer, far from it. In fact, I still can't figure out offsides, penalties and substitutions. For such a 'beautiful game', it sure is complicated.

No, the reason I'm happy that Italy won is that it was such a triumph for women. Though she's not very pretty, midfielder Maura Camoranesi played a full contact game, and still managed to keep her hair tied neatly in a ponytail. In fact, I'm surprised that more coverage wasn't devoted to this first, a woman playing in the World Cup finals. She brought joy to her country, and especially for Italy, such a masculine nation and...wait a second, Mauro, not Maura Camoranesi? THAT WAS A MAN?

Italia something, that was one girly haircut Mauro was sporting. At least number sixteen happens to be a good ball handler.

Gooooooaaallll!!!!!!!!!!!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #76 Oprah Winfrey

2006-07-09T19:18:00.000-04:00

Even though I planned to save her for much later, (earlier?), with all the talk of her similarity to Star Jones. I guess that there aren't that many other famous fat black women in Hollywood. Mandisa? That Phat Girl from the movie Phat Girlz? Barry Bonds dressing in drag? Anyways, they're all nasty as well. While Oprah Winfrey isn't much of a 'looker', just think of all the great things Oprah has brought to the world:

1. Free cars. (taxes not included, of course)
2. The phrase "You go, girl"
3. Dr. Phil, or as I like to call him, Dad. (I wish!)
4. Tom Cruise's 'shark' moment.
5. O Magazine, now featuring on the cover...Oprah!
6. Stephen J. Towelie and A Million Little Fibers. And her talking minge.
7. A sole reason to watch The Late Show with David Letterman. Have you seen it lately? It's become The Lame Show with David Letterman. Yesssss!
8. That creepy interview with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, where she talked about being 'the teacher'. Ewwww. I didn't know that Tony Parker was a point guardener. Damn. I shoulda quit with the lead.
9. The invention of Oprah's Book Club, where middle-aged women could pretend to have read Life of Pi.
10. The final 'Stand Up and Win' question: "Oprah, what's up with her?" The answer, said by Dana Carvey as Jerry Seinfeld: "She's fat, she's thin, she's fat, she's thin, pick a body and stick with it!"
11. The mother of a teenage lesbian, who dealt with her daughter coming out by
'ignoring it'.
12. An all new exclusive with the cast of Will and Grace!
13. The least appealing swimsuit models ever.
14. A leading role in The Color Purple, of which I asked, why isn't it called The Color Black? Really, I said this.
15. The greatest reason to stay home during the day...after The Price is Right! of course.
16. The invention of Oprah's Classic Book Club, where middle-aged women could pretend to have read Anna Karenina.
17. The world's greatest jump hook. At least, she could if she tried.
18. Maya Angelou. At least, I think Oprah created her. She certainly perfected her.
19. That in no way creepy Michael Jackson special.
20. Her 'beef' with Texas beef farmers. You can't write that.
21. A whole lot of f'in cash.
22. The chance to get Steadman on the rebound.
23. Ellen: The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Can you say rip off?
24. Tears, the good kind.
25. The knowledge that if I just be myself, people will love me. That is, if I can lose twenty-five pounds and this blubber butt.

Forgive me for harping on the point, but I just thought of another famous fat black woman: Big Momma in Big Momma's House 2. You know what, I would still take her him over Oprah any day. You go, boy.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #77 Star Jones

2006-07-06T00:50:00.000-04:00

Just think of how much better the view will be without Star.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #79 and #78 Ana Gasteyer and Amy Poehler

2006-07-05T23:45:00.000-04:00

My 'sources' have been telling me that Lindsay Lohan, (who has just turned twenty), has a new friend in Madonna Ciccone, (who will turn eighty in August). I guess that since Madonna is happily married to that Snatch guy, she has to befriend young girls instead of seducing young boys. Now that Gwenny is so busy making Applesauce with the most talented man in the world, and Brit-Brit is all preggers again and married to the sexiest man in the world, she's left with the only slightly used up Lindsay Lohan. It's a real May-December friendship, but I'm sure Lindsay Lohan has done just as much nose candy as her new bff Madge.

I was tempted, really tempted to put Lindsay Lohan and her creepy new body on this list, but I just can't do that. It's not that she's all that sexy, I just wouldn't put her in the bottom hundred. After all, Fez seems to like her, and if Wilmer's a fan, then that's good enough for me. Besides, she's twenty years old. If she keeps getting hospitalized for 'exhaustion', banging Colin Farrell and dancing on tables when she's thirty, then I'll admit to horrible error in judgment.

Look at me, I'm being such a mean girl. Hey, look at that, that was LiLo's greatest movie, and perhaps one of the greatest films ever made. Seriously. From the time I saw it in the theatre with Conor, and an obvious closet case called us gay for going to see it, to the six or seven times I've watched it on TMN, Mean Girls has never failed to deliver the laughs. Be it "She doesn't even go here", or "I'm from Michigan" to "Nigga, please!" and "I have a fifth sense", to Tim Meadows' twin classics "I did not leave the south side for this!" and "I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee", the movie makes me laugh every single time. Seriously, Tim Meadows is funny?!? Why couldn't Tina Fey have been involved in The Ladies Man?

Also, the character of Damien is hilarious, and unlike this other guy I knew who was too gay to function, he wasn't such a tight ass, I mean...um...let's just move on.

"Oh my God, Danny Devito, I love your work!"

There. That's better.

Lest we forget, Mean Girls was the coming out party for the hottest young female star in Hollywood. No sillies, not Lindsay, but the queen bee herself, Rachel Mcwhatsherface. And Although the only performing she seems to do now is on Ryan Gosling's lap in public places, (thanks for the scoop, Sara), she still has a bright future in Hollywood, and will continue to be a big star. You can make a note of that in your book. That was lame. I just wanna die. Wait, what was I talking about again?

Noyeah! Rachel McAdams busted out in Mean Girls, (Lindsay Lohan had busted out, too). Great performances as well from the other plastics as well, (Party of four were all good), as well as Coach Carr, who I met at Food Depot, the Asian Mathlete, Kevin Gnapoor, Janitor from Scrubs, the Asian Mathlete, the girl with the wide set vagina and Tina Fey as well.

HOWEVER, the movie was marred by Ms. Fey bringing her friends on board. Of course, I'm talking about Ana Gasteyer and Amy Poehler. Let's deal with Ana first. I guess she did an okay job in Mean Girls as Lindsay's mother, despite the fact she looks nothing like her. I liked the way she delivered her line about the 'fertility vase of the Ndbelli tribe' and I also liked her parody of Celine Dion on SNL. Shana Twan! Yet despite being funny, she's just not sexy. Not even a little bit. She looks like she's ninety. And not in a good way. Just gross. I still find her funny, like in those singing skits with Will Ferrell, but she's just too unattractive not to make this list.

Amy Poehler has got almost the exact opposite problem. She was hilarious in Mean Girls, "You guys want anything, some snacks, a condom?", but perhaps this was because she played an old woman. She's not in real life. In fact, she's five years older than her 'daughter' Rachel McDonalds. Maybe it's because the overall quality of the show has dropped dramatically, but I don't find her the least bit funny on SNL. Yet there she is in almost every skit. And all she ever plays is variations on her one semi-funny character, the 'rocking one leg' one. And even that one got old. Almost all of her impressions sound the same, her 'Rick' skit with Horatio Sanz in a mullet was one of the worst to come along in a long time, but every other one she's in is almost as bad. At least Tina Fey does the news, the occasional fake ad and not much else, but Amy's in everything! And as for the aforementioned news, let's just say that I didn't realize how funny Jimmy Fallon was at the time. And that's saying a lot, as I still want to punch him.

I don't think that Amy Poehler has received one laugh on Weekend Update, and that's the one part of the show you can still count on to be somewhat consistently funny. Maybe it's something about her delivery, or that fact she uses her 'funny' voice too much, (kind of a 'jivey' thing), but every time she messes up the delivery of a joke, I tune right out. I would be the biggest fan in the world of a sketch comedy show that made me laugh, but I believe that without canning Amy Poehler,(and, truth be told, about eight to ten other cast members), SNL can never again reach the heights of 'adequate'. And for trying to be funny when she's not, Amy Poehler is unsexy. Plus, she kind of has a big hairline. Gawd, I really am a mean girl!

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #80 Madonna

2006-06-29T22:13:00.000-04:00

I made it through the wilderness, and ended up at the (Kabbalah) temple of Madge, Esther, The Material Girl, Madge, and every other name bestowed upon this Lucky Star from Bay City, Michigan, (Bay City, Michigan?)

In the spirit of High Fidelity, here is my top five Madonna songs, in order of awesomeness. These songs are enjoyed entirely non-ironically, and if you have a problem with that, you can desperately seek another more trad blog. Here goes.

1. Like a Virgin.
2. Papa Don't Preach.
3. Borderline.
4. Dress You Up.
5. Material Girl.

The reason for these picks are very non-Madonna related, oddly. Like a Virgin is a classic, classic song. It's also a classic video, what with the tiger and the gondola. However, I also enjoyed Like a Surgeon by 'Weird Al' Yankovic, and the version of the song in Moulin Rouge! So let's just say that's ubiquitous. I don't as much enjoy Papa Don't Preach by Kelly Osbourne, (she's gross), so let's just say it's a classic song about an abortion. Oh, that Madonna's dad is Danny Aiello. Borderline is less familiar to me, but when that woman who couldn't speak English sang it on Superstar USA - classic. Dress You Up is of course for the Gap ad, and Material Girl, well, is for Sesame Street's classic parody Cereal Girl. So there you have it. All of these classic Madonna songs, (and trust me, I just wrote a free form list and though of the reasons why I liked the songs after), are at least fifteen years old. I also like their parodies. Yet for some reason, this makes the original songs much better. I was going to put Holiday as my 5a, but then I realized that I far prefer the Holiday Rap by MC Miker G and Deejay Sven. Go Bar Mitzvahs!

Now for the five worst Madonna songs, also free-form.

1. Ray of Light
2. Music
3. Frozen
4. American Life
5. Like a Prayer

Again, I was going to include a 5a as Hung Up, but let's give that a couple of years to get even more annoying. I hate Ray of Light. Hate it. I hate the video, which gives me Blair Witchesque motion sickness, I hate the song, I hate that she worked with William Orbit, who is some electronica hero or something. Ugh. It's more like Ray of Spite. The Music cover by Out of Your Mouth was pretty awful, but the original sucked pretty bad itself. Music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel. Whaaa??

Oh wait, what was that country song Madonna did? Don't Tell me, it's on the tip of my tongue. I hate that one, too. Frozen, more non-electonica non-sense. American Life, well, I just feel sad picking on that one, but it doesn't make it no less annoying. The one surprise, at number five, is Like a Prayer, the oldest song on this list, from the same album as Papa Don't Preach, which I love. I guess it just seemed a creepy prologue to her weird religious fanaticism. Is she Jewish, is she Catholic, is she English? Also, what was with her humping the Black Jesus statue? Creepy. That video gave me Like a Scare.

Look, I'm not a traditionalist all the time. My message here isn't old Madonna good, new Madonna bad, (though seriously, what's her better movie performance, Dick Tracy or Swept Away?) I think that some performers can age gracefully. Just not one who frenches Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, thus giving both of their careers the kiss of death. That shit was as least entertaining, but kind of gross. It was like watching somebody's slutty aunt playing truth or dare with the young'uns. Madonna was always kind of slutty in her early career, but now that she's old and married for good, it just seems kind of sad. Go on and live in England, Madge, but know that when they played your Hung Up song at the Dance Cave, nobody danced. And it's a Dance Cave. People don't just dance if they want to, they dance to songs about gay bars and nine year olds. And love 'em.

Chas Traps doesn't preach, Madonna, but you used to be slutty sexy. Your cone bras, and daring videos, I guess that they were sexy in their time. I was ten, and didn't really know what sexy was. My first timely Madonna video was that one where she cut herself in the bullfighter's bed. It wasn't hard to figure out that she was on the downswing then, and that was twelve years ago. Madonna, it's time that you hung up...your career. Strike a pose...of retirement. Express yourself...outta here!

Just basically, Madonna make any more songs or videos, or music. That way we can all thank our lucky stars and be touched by you for the very last time.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #81 Lani Billard

2006-06-22T00:19:00.000-04:00

I don't care if she developed before our eyes on a Global scale. I'm still not ready to get Busy with the idea that Lani Billard is sexy. Period.

Eight ball, corner pocket. What would your mother say?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #82 Monica Seles

2006-06-21T23:51:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. All she wanted to do was play tennis, not get judged for her looks, and here I am stabbing her in the back. Seles a new joke!

Seriously though, in recent years woman's tennis has become more and more of a beauty contest. Let's look, (please) at the still very popular Anna Kournikova, who never won anything, save for the affection of a now moleless Wilmer Valderamma. Wait, that's her boyfriend, right, Fez? If you think about, Anna Kournikova and Alex Rodriguez have quite a lot in common: popular Latino following, terrible under pressure, look good in lipstick, sex with a lot of men. That's right, I went there.

Oh yeah, Monica Seles. This former Hungarian / Yugoslavian, now American was never the glamourpuss to begin with, even after she helped her rival Steffi Graf defeat the evil Brooke Shields for the affections of the once-mulleted Andre Agassi. That's what happened, right? Maybe Monica should have considered wearing a Brooke Shield.

Okay, the real reason Monica Seles is unsexy is because she brought grunting back into the sport of tennis. Sure, it's all well and good when a hottie does it, but who wants to hear Rafael Nadal or the freaky deeky Williams sisters emit a guttural moan after every shot? It's a wonder people still fire balls into their court. By the way, Serena Williams and Brett Ratner. Yeah, that's my last stand.

Oh, and for those who think it's too soon to poke fun at Monica Seles, (whoops, there I go again), she appeared on an episode of The Nanny. So if she can 'joke' again, then so can I. Monica Seles on The Nanny I wonder how I managed to Dresch that one up.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #83 Nelly Furtado

2006-06-19T03:14:00.000-04:00

Some people are starting to doubt that I will make it all the way to number one. Keep the faith! Like Jenna Elfman did.

Speaking of things that will not die....that new Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland song. I am not using spell check tonight, so look up the dang name of it yourselves! Needless to say, it features all the things I love in a song / music video. An obligatory cameo by Justin Timberlake! A sing-songy chorus! Beats that were probably jacked from other song! The line 'MVP like Steve Nash'! And most important to this list, a former singer who didn't use her sexy image to sell records, but decided to cash in and use her sexy image to sell records.

Whoa, Nelly. I'm not buying it. You weren't really that sexy to begin with, and just because you expose your navel and show off your post-baby body, I'm not gonna change my mind. I still want to fly away. That is a promise.

Still, this song has become the overplaed hit of the (early) summer, and similar to the band that recored that other summer song, Nelly Furtado makes this Charles Gnarl.
Does that make me crazy?

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #84 Natalie Portman

2006-06-06T22:35:00.000-04:00

Forgive me for Garden Stating the obvious, but Miss Portman is certainly revered in some circles. I believe that Portman love is the Revenge of those who shun the blonde haired big titted bubbleheads, then those who actually believe that Natalie Portman is a Beautiful Girl. It's not like I have a V for Vendetta against the Israeli-born Columbia-educated actress, so don't be giving me the cold shoulder. I just don't find her sexy. That scene in the movie Closer where she reveals herself to be a Plain Jane, while certainly enjoyable to watch knowing the subtext, doesn't really come off as sexy. Natalie Portman a seductress? Sorry, not buying it.

Then again, maybe I should be applauding Portman for being so choosy about her roles. After all, not a single one of her films is about muthafuckin' snakes on a muthafuckin' plane. That being said, she was really whiny in Garden State. I would not have come back for her. I probably would have kicked her in the shins.

Caring about Natalie Portman is creepy.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #85 Audrey Tautou

2006-05-27T22:47:00.000-04:00

Man, you can really come up with some fabulous DVDs in Chinatown! Even though I didn't pick up The Benchwarmers, United 93, or Brokeback Mountain, (though I would like to see somebody mash the three together, that would be sweet), I did pick up the March 3rd opening insta-classic Aquamarine, about a mermaid or something. It stars Joanna 'Jojo' Levesque, of whom I have no comment, as this blog is a public forum. Leave. Get Out.

What interested me about this excursion, though, is that I saw someone with a copy of The Da Vinci Code. Though I read the much overhyped Dan Brown book, (it was a satisfying read, ultimately), I haven't yet seen the movie, though I probably will at some point, (I figure if this last I watched The Ringer, The Animal and Armageddon, I'll probably find time). So Tom Hanks plays Robert Langdon, fine, whatever, who cares, even with his silly hair. But casting Audrey Tautou as Sophie Neveu? Sacre Bleu! There's probably a conspiracy at work here to cast the average Audrey as the sexy Sophie.

The book makes Sophie Neveu out to be a stunner. She's the one who sets Langdon in motion in the first place. Also, in a book so effusive in its praise of women, I figured that Ron Howard would search long and far to find a stunner. Instead, he went for an actress that can best be described as 'cute'. Not only cute, but Tautou went out of her way to discuss how critical she is of Hollywood blockbusters...and then goes on to star in the biggest Hollywood blockbuster of the year. I guess that she realized that crossing over into the mainstream would be easier to do in a Ron Howard movie than in Dirty Pretty Things, (I do like the title though).

So that's the Audrey I know. Small. Cute. Whimsical. And totally unsexy. Code Blah.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #86 Penelope Cruz

2006-05-18T03:09:00.000-04:00

Since we are cruzing right along, I thought I would return to the twin pillars of Scientology and Matthew McConaughey that I touched on briefly in the Jenna Elfman post. For who combines these two noble passions as well as the great Penelope Cruz.

I imagine having the "Madonna of Madrid" star in horrible Hollywood films has its benefits, as she usually ends up bedding the leading men. This may suck for the rest of the cast and crew, but for the leading men, they get to take this supposedly fetching souvenir home from the set. Remember, Cruz starred in the movie Blow.

And blow these two films sure did. I've got to be honest - I've never actually seen the film Sahara. For all I know, it could have been amazing. But it probably wasn't. Still, the pairing of McConaughey and Cruz, and I still can't figure out what the two of them have in common, (stupid accents?), is still going strong. One has not deserted the other.

I would much rather talk about the stinker that I did unfortunately see, that being Vanilla Sky. Look, I know that Penelope Cruz starred in the Spanish, (and from what I hear, far superior) original, but that doesn't give her free reign to star in the English language remake. Shame on you, Cameron Crowe. He was probably too busy 'bonding' with Tom Cruise to even notice how awful Cruz was in this film. She could barely speak English, did nothing in the film but stand around and pout, and looks kind of dull if you ask me. Maybe the reason Cruz was cast is probably because there was some plot point about her having a freckle on her nipple, (couldn't they have just used make-up on another actress). Yet the film's character falls in love with her, and the real life Tommy was smitten too, yet didn't try to convert her to his cult and brainwash her. Maybe she couldn't understand what he was saying, either).

But to be fair to Penelope Cruz, I hated absolutely everything about Vanilla Sky. I love mind-fuck movies, just love 'em, and they don't even have to be very effective. Other notable exception - Eternal Sunshine. This film flat-out sucked. Tommy Boy may be an Oprah-scaring, L Ron Hubbard lovin' nutjob, but normally he's good in these kind of films. Minority Report, for example used Tom Cruise juuuust right. In this film, I couldn't stand to look at him, and not just because of his scary face. Cameron Diaz is horribly miscast as a stalker, (stick to cute and bland, Cameron D), and the delightfully trashy Jason Lee cast as Cruise's yuppie bff was just ridiculous.

For those who haven't seen Vanilla Sky, too damn bad, as I am going to give the condensed version of the plot as I remember it. Please, do not go and see it.

Tom Cruise is a wanky magazine publisher or something, living in a pre 9/11 Manhattan. He sort of pretends to be interested in Cameron Diaz, but finds her boring, as he should. He meets Penelope Cruz at his loft, draws a 'sexy picture of her, (which makes her look angular), and thinks she's top-notch. Cameron Diaz doesn't like this, and drives Tommy off a road, where his face becomes horribly disfigured, (moreso). The Tomster then wears a mask for the rest off the movie. He sees ol' Penelope in a bar and is like "Where's the love, I'm the phantom, now". Penelope blows him off, (or something, I didn't know what she was saying), so Tom is left horribly alone, lying in the gutter. Then Penelope is like "Wait, you are sexy American man", and then they screw and she's got a freckly nipple, so Tom knows he's dreaming. His psychiatrist, Kurt Russell, who has been 'mmm-hmmming' his story this whole time, tells him that he is dreaming, but it's a lucid kind of dream, (whatever that means). Then Tilda Swinton tells Tom he's insane, to which he jumps out of a window, and Radiohead's 'I Might be Wrong' kicks in, and Cameron Crowe ejaculates all over the screen. Miracuslously unharmed, Tom and Penelope fall in love, that is, until they get sick of sharing the same last name, and move on to different parts of tabloids. She hooks up with the Wooder, who sadly, has gotten older, and Tom Cruise brings Jen from Dawson's Creek over to the dark side.

God, I hate that movie.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #87 Jenna Elfman

2006-05-14T18:44:00.000-04:00

There was a time when I thought that Jenna Elfman and Lauren Graham were in fact the same person. I realize now that I was confusing them because they look so similar, and because they co-starred in the short-lived sitcom Townies. The show itself involved something about New England and seafood, whatever, but what is interesting is that the 'star', (Molly Ringwald), found her best roles behind her, and the two newcomers, (Grahamelfman), would lead to must greater success.

Or at least, one half of the twins would. Gilmore Girls took off, (haven't I just talked about this?), but Dharma and Greg may go down as one of the most successful sitcoms ever, (success meaning that it made it to syndication), without any single episode or character registering any sort of emotional memory. By the way, the runner-up in this category is Ted Danson's post-Cheers project Becker. Was he a doctor or something?

I guess that Jenna Elfman was the core of Dharma and Greg. She was the 'wacky' one. I think her friend Jane was actually much wackier and Dharma came off as whiny, which may have been one of the reasons the show didn't really register. Greg was a rich stuck-up prig, and Dharma almost had an affair with Kevin Sorbo, TV's Hercules. When you are cheering for the Fabioesque Kevin Sorbo to break up a successful TV marriage, it's time to ride off into the sunset. Or at least make live-action / animated movies with Brendan Fraser, as Jenna Elfman did.

Oh, and she also played Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend and Woody Harrelson's leftovers in that unsuccessful Truman Show lite movie.

Well, since movies didn't work out for her , Jenna Elfman went back to TV. I know absolutely nothing about her new show, except that she is no longer the 'wacky' character. And that the show may have already been canceled.

As I no longer confuse her with Lauren Graham, I know that in her spare time Jenna Elfman devoted herself to study of Dianetics with her husband, the nephew of Oingo Boingo's Danny Elfman. So, in, essence, the Elfmans are weird scientologists.

This, I imagine, would make a far more entertaining show than Dharma and Greg, Townies, and that new one put together.

Oh, and Jenna Elfman is in no way sexy. She does look exactly like an elfwoman. Even though she's tall. She should have stuck with 'Butala' and perhaps I never would have thought to say that. Or maybe she would be unsexy regardless.

Poor Molly Ringwald. I wonder is she still lives in France, hoping to make Thirty-Eight Candles? At least I have never confused her with Lauren Graham.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #88 Sheryl Crow

2006-05-14T02:05:00.000-04:00

All I wanna do is not have some fun with this former Michael Jackson back-up singer (!) This bird first achieved fame late in her recording career, (comparison) with a ditty about 'Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy or something'. It's hard to believe that that song first became popular when I was gaining music consciousness - 1994. Dear God, that was twelve years ago.

Over every day the winding road of her career, the songs got much less interesting, (lame covers that are unlistenable the first time, duets with Kid Rock, her transition from Mix 9.99 to 9.73 EZ Rock almost complete), and she too, became a lot less attractive. It's not like she was a beauty queen to begin with, her look was described as 'refreshing', which I believe meant JC Penney chic. She tried to sexify herself in the video for 'If It Makes You Happy', but believe me, it did not. It could be that bad. She looked like a mannequin version of herself, and this was perhaps her last song to be played endlessly on TV and non-crap radio stations.

A change might have done Sheryl Corw good, but it was more of the same that flew out of her mouth and into our ears, (though less so recently). Once her relationship with Lance became tired and retired, I figured that I had heard the last of Sheryl Crow, and perhaps I had. Until now, that is. In fact, if the only time you think about some famous person over the past six months is in the context of how unsexy she is, then they are certainly doing something wrong. Perhaps the last cut is the deepest.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #89 Lisa Kudrow

2006-05-13T02:53:00.000-04:00

As far as I know, this former Friend has not been mentioned as being sexy by any of my friends. However, I just realized that Friends makes a nice segue after my rail against hipsters.

Sadly, there will be no Comeback for me ever finding Lisa Kudrow sexy. She has always been my least favorite friend, (yes, even more than Joey), and I blame this entirely on the actress who played Phoebe, and not on the character. She played the ditz just as well on Mad About You, (hey two actresses from the same show!) and still I found her irritating. Maybe Conan O'Brien that French guy know something that I don't, and enjoy eating at this buffet. I guess that I have to Analyze that aspect about myself not being there for her.

Perhaps this is a combination of her fake blonde hair, (dark brown on an episode of Cheers), face that makes her look like a younger Christine Baranski, (which is oddly, not a compliment), and her whiny voice just leave me with a general disinterest in her appearance. At least she has her thriving movie career to fall back on. Oops! There will be no happy ending to this post.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #90 Leslie Feist

2006-05-13T02:32:00.000-04:00

In an odd coincidence, while looking for Reza, I also decided to check up on my old friend David, searchmedavid.blogspot.com, to see who he found sexy. To my shock and awe, his inexplicable crush was Leslie Feist, (or just plain 'Feist'), a Broken Social Scener, and singer in her own right. I wish I had told somebody sooner, but I had already decided that Leslie Feist was going to be the next unsexy female on my list. And here's why.

The Stills concert on Thursday was troubling for two reasons. Okay, one reason split into two, guys and girls who uglify on purpose. I won't even get into tattoos or wardrobe choices, but let's get one thing straight, the unkempt look does not look hot in the slightest. It really doesn't. Ladies, please don't combine those glasses with that bedhead hair. It makes me feel sad. Hey, I know it's not my problem if you choose to uglify yourself, but if given the choice, I would assume that you would want to look your best. This is also how I feel about Feist. Perhaps with a less hip, (read: plainer) haircut, she would look less androgynous, but perhaps I am missing the point. Maybe this sea of look-a-like men and women is what's sexy now, and I am stuck in my old world ways of glamorous women and manly men. Or maybe the hipsters are just fooling themselves.

Also, I find Feist's music to be kind of saccharine and pretentious,as if I am too young to truly enjoy it, which is a feeling that I do not often come by. Her work in BSS is pleasant enough, but on her own...Eh. Or is that I cannot look past the fact she looks boyish. I fear I am also starting to feel this way about Emily Haines, another androgynous looking BSSer. I find that haircut and those used t-shirts to be so played out, as too do I find Feist's vintage find look to be very 1998. I know that you can afford it, so why not glam it up, you drab hipsters. Look good, and then pretend not to care.

Unsexiest Female Celebs - #91 Alexis Bledel

2006-05-13T01:59:00.000-04:00

A little while back, my former friend Reza, (whose blog partly inspired me, but now seems to be down), discussed our conversation over sushi. In it, I commented on his inexpicable crush on Lauren Graham, describing her as a 'doable train wreck'. I'm not sure if I said those exact words, but that's what a blog is for, right? Manipulating things that others have said and either making them sound more clever than they are, or perhaps if they are really clever, passing them off as your own.

So anyways, Reza's point was that Lauren Grham, or if you prefer, Lorelai Graham of Gilmore Girls was both sexy and unappealing at the same time, (a novel conept - more on that soon, I promise). Let's take Reza at his (my) word, since he is no longer around to defend himself. Assume that Lauren Graham really is a 'doable train wreck', and that she manages to be both hot and kind of gross at the same time, (or maybe she's hot and the idea of it is gross). Something must have gone horribly wrong in the gene pool, for her TV daughter, the precocious Rory Gilmore, is both unappealing and unsexy. Actress Alexis Bledel may have once been a model, but in this case, she's a model #91 of the unseixest celebrities.

Now I'm not that familiar with the premise of Gilmore Girls, (yeah right, you scoff), but based on the general pop culture I have picked up, conversations with mothers who do watch it regularly, and the one (1) time I watched an episode all the way through, here's what I do know:

Lorelai got knocked up really young, so her and her daughter are 'buddies'. Lorelai is an innkeeper in some small town called Stars Hollow. Her daughter went to Yale and got involved with a boy and dropped out. The daughter has an Asian best friend with a controlling mother and who started a band that for some reason includes Sebastian Bach of Skid Row. Lorelai is in a relationship with Luke, who wears a lot of flannel shirts which may signify that he is poor. Also, everybody talks a lot and says very clever things, and Lorelai's parents are rich, and she gets along well with her baby daddy, and everything is hunky dory in Stars Hollow.

Stop me if I missed anything else that is important.

Since I have never actually seen an episode with the baby daddy, I assume that he is of a different ethnicity, and thius, his and Lorelai's genes created a strange lloking child. That's seemingly how it is with mixed race children, who either get the best of both parents, or look something like Derek Jeter.

In real life, both of Alexis Bledel's parents are Hispanic, (thanks imdb!) Since she looks not the least bit Mexican or Argentinean, but rather like a 'porcelain doll', (a polite way to suggest that she looks vaguely Asian?), let's assume that her odd features, (blue eyes, dark hair, flat face, big neck, lack or arched eyebrows), means that someone decided that unconventional = sexy. I think it just looks weird, a sort of 'undoable train wreck'.